Im so upset.

[violet]

I need to talk about this and I dont know how im going to explain it but I will try my best.

About 3 hours ago, I think I may have actually cracked, Not in any sense of being funny not at all.

This morning I got my period, and I felt like utter rubbish and to the point I couldnt controll it, so I ate a little and took some paracetomal and I think I didnt eat enough, and it irritated my stomach as i took2 and I only usually take one, then I ate a roll and felt worse, so I took 2 motilium, and freaked out about the fact that its irritated my stomach taking them both at the same time, and have felt n* for a while now.

Then my mother got on my back and started going on about my phobia how im not going to be able to do anything get anywhere, she might as well end her relationship her bf and move back here and help cure me, now that may sounds nice but if you knew what my mothers way or curing was ud think again, she makes fun of it, calls me sick in the head and gets on my back about it all of the time she sees it happening, now she says shes pointing this out because I should know im not going to cope or get anywhere with life while still having this, she just sees the worst of it and plays on it all the time.

So, I snapped back at her and I did this because thats the only way that I seem to be able to react to this situation with me, and it irritates me when she doesnt even try understand what im going through.

She says because of our past together with my father (pretty long story) she isnt really able to be physically loving towards me and she hasnt been for a long time, many years, I dont have hugs and I dont get told that Im loved by her that much but I dont grudge her doing this because she had a hard time as well but growing up with this is pretty hard, now I dont hate her, she mostly frustrates me and how she handles my life, she could be alot of things that I wish her to be in my life for support but with this being something she doesnt understand she cant and most of the time wont, its just the way she has ended up with what has happined.

Alot of the time I dont think that she understands the hurt and pain I am going through and I cant tell you how selfish I feel when I say that, I just want to show her how much I love her, I just want to make sure that she will always know that I love her, she means the world to me and gave me life, I have alot to thank her for, but we clash so much, she doesnt understand me and I harly understand her, I dont know sometimes how we havent either walked away and never spoken again or she hasnt disowned me, I wasnt the best child to live with, and to grow up with.

We do talk sometimes but we spent 90% times arguing.

I walked away from it and just broke down I was crying so much that I couldnt swallow, I couldnt controll my breathing and couldnt stand, so I collapsed, and just lay there shaking, knowing that this has gotten the better of me again.

My OCD, my emet and depression, has just given me the worst time, it has taken over my life, I feel like I have totally cracked, I feel like I have lost everything that I was trying to build up in my life and get through this.

I sit here and worry that im going to get ill, I sit here and worry I havent ate enough to help fight off bugs which I havent, I sit here and worry that ive been the worst daughter in the world and i sit here and feel the whole world on my shoulder.

If have never cried so much in my life about this, all I do is push push push, and people just fall away from me.

My period has just got screwed after having a total break down there, I dont know what to do anymore.

Im sorry for this, this whine and all my moans, I just dont know what to do anymore.

[sweet]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed Violet, we all get like this at times and you know you will come out the other side stronger......

Maybe you should start by taking small steps..... Sit down and write down on paper everything thats upsetting you and that you feel you can't cope with, and then opposite it write down what you could do to try and overcome it.... Say, problem = constant cleaning, solution = each day make a conscious effort to not clean one thing when you get the urge. I find this works for me, it may not seem like alot but you get to realise that the world won't end if you don't clean the floor, or whatever!! Writing things down is very theraputic, I find.

You could do the same with the food, I know you suffer badly from IBS - have you ever made a food diary - write down what you eat and then write down how you feel afterwards. Maybe you will see a pattern forming and be able to avoid those foods that make you feel bloated and n*......

I really think it's all about feeling like you get these parts of your life back under control - you probably just feel like you have lost control of everything and it's all built up.

Personal matters are different though.... Can you take your mother out for a coffee or to the park, somewhere neutral and tell her how you feel.. It may be hard to start the conversation but I bet once you get the ball rolling you'll both feel comfortable to open up slightly. It's always hard to be the one to start these conversations but it sounds like it needs to be done. Could you write your Mother a letter and give it to her one night, and tell her to read it, sleep on it and then chat in the morning... Just a thought!

I don't know if this is of any help but I wish you well and hope you feel better.....

[violet]

Hey sweet,

Thankx for your reply, I have tried writting things down before, but I end up getting annyoed and venting then ripping the paper up lol, but I see where ur coming from, think I may write down in a diary online, cant really rip that up!

As for the food diary yea I have one now, been at it a few weeks, all i know is I cant eat dairy lol, thats one of the worst ideas.

Me and my mum talked a little tonight and it has eased things off slightly, but I know there is a long way to go!

I just ate some breasticks cos I was hungry but it seems to have trapped wind and now i feel n*, what a bloody day

Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply, it really means alot!

[sweet]

Glad you and your Mother talked a little.... An online diary is good but you could still just hit the delete button, and that's not half as satisfying as crazily ripping up a piece of paper into bits, lol!

Breadsticks would make me feel really bloated, anything bready sets me off - but I love it! [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]Ho hum.

Hope things carry on improving.