CRYING! I hate myself!!!!

[1scareddj]

I am so sick of living this way. I am not only afraid of v* but I am afraid that I'm going to be very very sick with something! I sleep all day and now I have called into work AGAIN!!!! I was gone ALL LAST WEEK and 3 days the week before!! They think I am depressed (which I am) and I have been to the doc like 5 times!!! I went to a counselor on Tuesday but it was a first time visit and it wasn't a big help to me as she was just asking me about my background etc. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS!!!!! I am weak cause I am afraid to eat cause I am afraid to v*!! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!! I don't want to lose my job over this whole thing!!!! I am so mad at myself!!!!!! I am afraid to go to work cause I am afraid I will be sick there and no one wil be able to help me!!! I am crying so hard!!! The fill in girl CAN'T work for me tonight cause she has to work at her other job and I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate living like this!!!!!!!!

[rubysoho120]

I understand I hate being called into work today...because then i cant
plan for it and prepare myself Im sorry, hope you feel better soon.

[kristin1980]

I know what you mean, but dont be too hard on yourself. You need help and you can do all this on your own. Trust me i have tried and just gets worse.


I am too in the beggining of counseling and have been going weekly for about 3 months, still not recovered but wehave talked out some good points and things, and i have now been perscribed to antideppresants which honestly has helped quite a bit..


I too also have called in sick to work alot, when i say i alot i mean like atleast once or twice every pay period which is like once ever two weeks. I know people are saying things at work and its really frustrating. My manager approached me and asked if i could get a doctors note about my anxiety and depression and so if i call in i wont get fired since its a mental condition sort of thing.


Its a hard long road but be proud of yourself for going to your first counseling appt. You realize you dont want to live like this and thats the first step! Its not going to happen over night but if you keep up going to the appts you will notice a difference.


I didnt want to take meds but i am glad i did now, i am doing alot better, depression is gone and anxiety has gone down some, only get attacks now every other month or so..


good luck to you


hugs

[1scareddj]

I have been giving them doctor's notes....they can't legally fire me if I provide them with doctor's notes can they???

[michelle01]

I feel just the same, i am so tired everyday all i wanna do is sleep i am a nervous reck. I want a job but i am to scared to! and this makes me feel crap about myself. Its so hard i know.


michelle xxx

[curly wurly]

I am sorry you are feeling sobad. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you can't help feeling this way. I know am not much help, but just to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope you soon feel better.

[1scareddj]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I am now at my mom and dad's again. I was so frantic on the phone with my boss that he was real concerned that he actually called my mom (I work at a very small place so everyone knows everyone else's family). I guess they talked a while but my mom didn't really say a whole lot.....my whole life is falling apart because of my emet. I'm so scared all the time...my boyfriend doesn't deserve to live like this, I am 23 and should be able to take care of myself. I should be able to go to work and I can't. I am afraid of my own shadow these days!!! I can't stop crying. My head hurts from crying all day. I could barely talk to the nurse on the phone cause I was crying so hard. She told me that I am making myself sick (and I KNOW that she is right) and that I don't have the sv so I absolutely WILL NOT v*......but I sure feel like I will.


This is the best job I have ever had and I don't want to screw it up but I feel so guilty....I have worked 2 years straight with NO SICK days and was never ever late and now I have worked 5 days in the last 3 weeks. I have so many bills to pay and I can't even hardly get off the couch to let my dogs out to go potty.


I feel like I am a huge failure to everyone around me. No one really understands what is going on. My boyfriend is worried but he doesn't know what to do. Mom and Dad comfort me and they don't seem to concerned about my job.


Everything just seems to keep snowballing and I can't stop it. I have an emergency appt with my couselor tomorrow afternoon. But this will only be my 2nd appt with her and it's only 30 minutes cause they had to squeeze me in. I have been taking my zoloft like I am supposed to but why am I still freaking out?!?!


I'm sorry this is so long but my mind is going 100 miles per second. I feel like I am losing EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE due to this SUPID STUPID FEAR I HAVE!!!!!


Maybe I should just go make myself v* and maybe it will go away!!!! (yeah right, I would never do that)


I have such a headache.....I'm sorry y'all but I am so frustrated.....I can't stop crying......[img]smileys/smilies_16.gif[/img]

[chicajojobe]

Well if it makes you feel any better, I understand completely what is going on.

Two summers ago I graduated from high school, and on the day of my graduation the only time when I didn't cry was during the ceremony. I cried literally all day before it (the ceremony was at 5 in the afternoon). My dad even had to call from work to clam me down enough that I would get in my damn car and be able to drive there.
Then afterward, when everyone else was out having celebration dinners and going to parties....I went home, and crawled into bed to try to stop crying and get my stomach settled down. I didn't even feel up to eating the pizza that my parents ordered that night.

Trust me you can get through this. There is nothing shameful about going through a hard time. Whether it's brought on my a mental issue like emet, or having cancer, or getting divorced, or losing your job, or drug or alcohol addiction, or having to declare bankruptcy, EVERYONE will eventually go through a hard time in their life.
It doesn't mean you're a failure. You're doing everything you're supposed to. You're getting help to try to get better.

[1scareddj]

That's the worst part....I do feel so ASHAMED.....I mean, everyone in here is understanding and supportive and I wish everyone else in the world was like everyone on this site! LOL...well, I actually ate some real food now and drank a whole bottle of water and took my zoloft. Thanks for the kind words everyone.....and thanks for letting me vent a little bit

[Galadriel]

Aww hey 1scareddj,
I know its hard, you are going through a real stressful time. Sometimes we get to a point where this fear and everything else can just be completely overwhelming.
I can understand your fears bigtime (as can pretty much everyone here), I know it would be easier if everyone else understood too, and to be honest like chicajojobe said everyone goes through times where they struggle a lot.

What may help is just trying to talk to your therapist and set some acheivable goals that you would like to do. Lots of times it helps me when I am feeling overwhelmed to just sit down with a pen and paper and write down what I want to get through and achieve, and break it up so it looks a lot more doable.

Maybe you and your counselor sit down and you tell her what you'd like to acheieve with her/him, like say "I would like to get over emet, at least to the point where it doesn't affect my everyday life so much, and I feel I can deal even if I do get sick, that it won't be the end of the world", and that can be like the BIG goal, then break it up in little steps like "I would like to be able to spell out/say the words v*, p*", thats a real small goal, but its a step in the right direction, and you want to start out small and work your way up. Does your counselor have any experience with handling phobias? Does she know any about yours? You can print out the sheet Sage wrote up about it in the treatments thread and hand it to her, and it will give her a clearer idea of your fear.

Please don't think you are a failure, you are not by any means, just look at this as the starting point. I would be more concerned if you were like this and didnt feel any need to change anything. Its good that you want to change this to make things better, and you can do it, it just takes steps to get there. *hugs*