dirty secret/habit...

[melissarene]

Ok, so I suffer from panic disorder. Many of us do. I wish that my panic attacks were only trigged by my phobia, but unfortunately, mine happen whenever they darn well please. Sucks. I'll be sitting at work in the middle of a meeting or out shopping and BAM -- my throat closes up, my breathing gets shallow, I'm suddenly lightheaded, n* and feel like I'm going to v*. I either proceed to self talk my way out of it (normally at a meeting) or run to the nearest exit (typically when I'm shopping). I hate it.


I have been suffering from these for years, even back before I was a teenager, but really only realized what was going on a few years ago.


I have been on every medication under the sun. Lexapro, paxil, xanax, you name it. I was on it at some point in time. Most of the time, the side effects were too much to bear. And there was also the fear of getting stuck on the stuff (my father has been on paxil probably for as long as it's been out and probably on prozac before that -- he can't not take it...depression sucks). Anyway, I finally stopped taking something earlier this year. I was on Lexapro, which gave me serious sexual side effects and other side effects I just could not deal with one more day.


I've done pretty well, contrary to some people's belief that I wouldn't make it without it. Really, though, I'd probably benefit from taking something just need based or PRN basis. But for awhile, I was unemployed and didn't have health insurance so seeing a doctor to get anything was out of the question.


So....I picked up another habit along the way to help me deal. Cigarettes. The nastiest, foulest thing I could have ever picked up. And I hate it. Mind you, it's only a few a week. At the most, 1a day. 3 on a super incredible god awful, want to die because the anxiety is so bad - day.


I had never even touched one of those until 2005. It was innocent enough, I'd have one at the bar when I went out with the girls, but I never bought my own -- just bummed one. Never even used them for my anxiety. Until a friend of mine saw I was having a bad day some months back at work...Offered to walk around outside with me. Then offered me a nasty stick to take off the edge. So I took it. And was hooked to its effect on me.


I'm not even sure it 's the cigarette itself that I'm hooked on. Especially if I only have a few in a week. I think what helps is that it requires me to take deep breaths, etc, to slow me down. So I'm trying to just BREATH now when having moments and it tends not to work out as I had hoped.


I don't think I'm addicted to the suckers. In fact, when unemployed for four months, I think I only bought 1 pack of them that whole time. I was poor, for one, and I just didn't feel like I needed them. I still don't really feel a NEED for them. I can go weeks before buying anymore. Just scared that I'll get to that point some day.


I don't really think I'm asking for any advice in particular, because I know what it will be.


Think:


- STOP SMOKING, MEL, ARE YOU CRAZY FOR PICKING THEM UP OR WHAT??


Yeah.I know. I'm bad.


But I needed to tell someone. Get it off my chest. Because most of my friends and family have NO clue I do this. I needed to tell someone and I like the anonymity of the internet.


Don't worry, I'm working on getting rid of them altogether. It gets difficult when your two closest friends smoke pretty regularly and you're around them. Not the best influences in the world when going out....


Oh, well....Again, sorry, it's so long...Just wanted to talk it all out and get it off my mind for the night....

[angele803]

Its good to just get everything out sometimes. That is one reason this board is here. I hate smoking and wont ever do it because I lost 2 of my grandparents to the evil things. But that doesnt mean I havent thought about other addictive things to help me get through things. If I wasnt afraidit wouldmake sick, I would probably be drinking a lot of alcohol right now. I also sometimes joke about wanting to do drugs to calm me down and get my mind off of feeling n*. I dont think I would everdo drugs though. I understand the whole addictive thing though.I think addictive behaviour is part of the package with anxiety and phobias.

[HDogg]

As a pack-a-day smoker, I will say this: get out while you still can!


I started smoking about 6 years ago, for the same reasons: thought it relieved anxiety. I bought my first pack, after bumming a few from my sister from time to time. Once I did, I bought more. I started out smoking only a few a day, but I rapidly went to a pack a day. I tried quitting after six months, but I was already hooked. Have tried quitting several times. Found that I don't really want to quit yet. The addictive part is the nictotine. It's not just a habit--nicotine is more addicting than heroin. Or so I've heard.


But no, obviously, I don't think less of you for smoking. I just wish non-smokers wouldn't think of us as the scum of the earth. If they could live one day in our shoes, they'd realize that we are not evil, and we are not trying to kill them with our second-hand smoke. [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]


Anyway, I would encourage you to quit while you still can. Sometimes it really sucks being a pariah smoker.

[melissarene]

But no, obviously, I don't think less of you for smoking. I just wish non-smokers wouldn't think of us as the scum of the earth. If they could live one day in our shoes, they'd realize that we are not evil, and we are not trying to kill them with our second-hand smoke. [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]

He he....it's ok, I don't think you're scum of the earth. I'm kind of one of them. I"m stuck in the middle. I hate them and want to get away from them, but they have been helpful to me. No worries...I plan on quitting asap.

[pianolover]

My grandma died of Alzheimers and of emphysema from smoking. I agree - get out while you can! I think if people who smoke could watch someone die like my grandma did, they would have no trouble quitting. It's really a matter of life and death. Why put your family through that?


Good luck with quitting!!

[suze]

I'm probably going to give you the worst advice ever - and I don't smoke! Yes, ideally you should stop, but it's not excessive, and if you're smoking 3 day at most, and it helps, then why feel bad about it. We all have our vices, I drink most days, a glass of wine or two. When I'm really anxious, I drink more.

Don't be hard on yourself, when you feel ready to stop, I'm sure you will. Perhaps now isn't the right time. If your smoking escalates though, and you start upping your intake, then I'd get out. I know quite a few people who have a few ciggies a day, in the same way as I have a couple of drinks, and I don't have a problem with that.

I hope I don't get a load of comments that I'm being irresponsible here. I know you should stop, but perhaps you need to sort out the other issues in your life first. These are my own views, based on no scientific evidence, and in defiance of medical opinion! Guess most of you will disagree!!

[christianne]

I'm probably going to give you the worst advice ever - and I don't smoke! Yes, ideally you should stop, but it's not excessive, and if you're smoking 3 day at most, and it helps, then why feel bad about it. We all have our vices, I drink most days, a glass of wine or two. When I'm really anxious, I drink more. Don't be hard on yourself, when you feel ready to stop, I'm sure you will. Perhaps now isn't the right time.

Hi there!!!
Okay, I totally agree with suze--you need to quit when you are ready to! I smoke, and I have tried many times to quit just to pick it back up again. I then realized I was not ready (I need my cigarettes!!) and didn't truly want to stop. Alot of times I wanted to quit was because my friends hated it or boyfriends hated it--recently I tried because my husband complains every time I smoke. It never works unless YOU want to quit. Suze is right in saying we all have our vices, even though smoking is awful for you it definitely could be worse.
Still, it is extremely difficult to kick the habit once you start so don't let it get out of hand. When you're ready to give it up, there are tons of helpful things out there to ease you through it.
Take care!

[1scareddj]

Hey Mel -


I am 23 now and I have smoked since I was 17...it has been 16 days since I had my last cig!! I was smoking a pack or more a day! I agree with the get out while you can! I was really sick the last few weeks that I didn't even have the energy to get up and go outside to smoke and when I tried to take a drag of one it tasted so awful I thought I was going to v*!!! So now I am even afraid to light one up....hey maybe this phobia has ONE advantage after all!! The w/d symptoms have kicked my butt, but my grandma smoked for 50 years and just died a month ago from a heart attack...so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I hope you can stop!! I don't think smokers are scum at all!! Some days I wish I could still smoke cause I was so used to it!! LOL but I know that I'm better off this way...I hope I can keep it up! I hope you can get rid of them, Mel!! Good luck to you!


~Melanie (another Mel)Edited by: 1scareddj

[christi0126]

This is going to sound even worse...but I love smoking! How stupid does that sound! Pretty stupid! I started out like you though, I'd have one a day telling myself its okay I would quite in a year. Here I am 6 years later almost a pack a day! I would just quite though while you can, soon your lungs will get used to it and it will be easier for you to smoke and thats when the trouble starts! Wish you luck!!!

[crimgoddess]

LOL- it's not stupid at all that you like smoking- I hear that all the time from my friends who smoke. It's very social (ie- all the smokers huddling together outside), they like the feel of it in their hands, the fact that it allows you to get away from everything for a moment, etc. It's unfortunate that it has the nasty by-product of potentially causing cancer or emphysema.


TOTAL word on the quitting when you are ready- if you quit because you feel you should, not because you want to, you will only really be making half-assed attempts, and it can be discouraging. My boyfriend tried to quit recently (mostly because I am a non-smoker, and made the rule of no smoking in the apartment), only to start again 3 weeks later. I think it's sweet that he tried- but knew that it wouldn't happen. Oh well, maybe in the future he will get to the point where he really wants to give it up.


*******MINI-RANT**********


And Heather- TOTALLY agree with you that the non-smokers need to chill out, especially if the person is smoking outside. Last night at the hotel, I see an SUV pull up, and a women come out with two kids. The rule here is smoking is permitted 9 meters away from the entrance- we have ashtrays set up in that area, and that night about 8 guys were out having a smoke. This women proceeds to tell me at the desk that she shouldn't have to walk through their smoke with her kids- I felt like saying "and I shouldn't have my ozone layer jeopardized by you needing to drive that massive beast of a car". For god's sake- theywere outside, away from the door- and it was even windy last night, so it's not like the smoke was hovering. If it bothered her so much she could have held her breath for the 3 seconds it would have taken to walk by them. If they are doing everything they can to follow the rules in regards to their smoking, I dont think they should be shat on.


******END RANT*******


So Mel#1- good luck on quitting when you want to; Mel#2- congrats on deciding to quit- you can DOOOO EEEET!


*amber*

[melissarene]

I want to thank everyone for being so supportive, no matter what their opinion. I appreciate it more than ANYTHING. It's a vice I truly want to get rid of, but I do know it's not something I'm quite ready to just drop tomorrow morning or anything. Thanks suze for making me feel a teeny bit less guilty because I only smoke a few here and there. And crimgoddess, seriously, i think that non-smokers need to chill out a bit, as well. Even when I wasn't smoking, I hated when people freaked out over it. Some people take it just a BIT too far. I'm even more understanding now. There are a lot of people out there that smoke and wish they didn't...but it's amazing how addictive it can become...and I understand for some it's harder to quit than for others. I don't see myself as someone who is completely ignorant on what it can cause for me later in the future. I do know that it can cause cancer and emphesema in some. I think that's what makes me want to quit the most. Because at my new job, one of my coworkers developed emphesema from all the YEARS of pack a day smoking (which, THANK GOD, I am not at that point and vow to NEVER get there. EVER.)


For those smokers out there, as I said before, I have nothing against others who do and don't find others disgusting for doing so. It's so weird. I hate the smell and I hate the taste....That's my BIGGEST reason for stopping it. I don't like doing it....What an oxymoron.... I hate it, yet can't bring myself to stop...


I digress....

[HDogg]

Thank God somebody agrees with me. I waitressed at this "family" restaurant that happened to allow a smoking section. It was in the far back corner of the restaurant, not side-by-side, like the "Debunkify the myth" commericals show. You'd be surprised at how many people would walk in and piss and moan because the "outlaw, heathen, scum-of-the-earth" smokers were way in the back.


As a waitress, I couldn't do a damn thing about the smoking laws, yet, I'd get people literally cuss me out and walk out the door because we had a smoking section! I was just a friggin' waitress--I didn't own the restaurant or make the laws for the county! [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img] But yet, it was my fault anyway, because I was a convenient scapegoat.





I understand the plight of a non-smoker---some have allergies and can't handle it. But the rest of them: sitting in a restaurant with a light tinge of smoke in the air will not immediately kill you. It would take a hell of a long time--day after day, sitting there for hours to have the same effect as a smoker's lungs. Not going out to eat once or twice a month for 30-45 minutes. And walkingpast an OUTSIDEhotel entrance for five seconds with a tiny whiff of smoke into your lungs WILL NOT KILL YOU. For God's sake people! Chill out! Your precious little "babies" will inhale or ingest a heck of a lot worse than the occasional second-hand smoke. 60% of the population is overweight---including children. Heart disease and diabetes anyone? Tell your kids to put down the Twinkie and run outside before you bitch to me about me smoking OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!


Guess what? Several of our mothers all smoked with us while pregnant---and here we are. Alive and well. We grew up with smoking sections and no one batted an eye. And here we are. Not dead yet.


Smoking can eventually lead to cancer and emphesyma. But if scare tactics were enough to make us quit, don't you think we would have by now? Who wants to get cancer? Not me. Even with the Surgeon General's Warning on the label, there are tons of smokers out there. Why do you think that is? Because we're stupid? No. Because we enjoy killing ourselves slowly? NO. Because we are addicted as hell to something that is worse to withdraw from than heroin? Yes. We don't want to see the truth. And even if we do, quitting smoking is a bitch! Until you've tried to quit, you have no idea what it feels like.


Sorry if my puffs of smoke OUTSIDE piss you off. There's a lot of harmful stuff to breathe in out there. But you don't scream at your own school bus drivers that take your precious angels to school for emitting their own harmful fumes, do you?


Hypocrites, hypocrites, hypocrites!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [img]smileys/smilies_07.gif[/img]


DISCLAIMER:


***I didn't direct this to anyone in particular. I'm just ranting and raving. PMSing as well. Sorry******

[melissarene]

Well,this morning had the last cigarette in a pack. I think I'm going to wait awhile to buy any. Maybe I won't get the urge to buy any at all. Here's hoping!

[tootpla]

Although I don't think smokers are the Scum of the earth, I don't advocate smoking either. I suppose I'm a bit biased when it comes to this subject though because my father passed away when I wass 11 from smoking.


*******COULD BE GRAPHIC FOR SOME*******


He was 10 years old when he started smoking, and 69 when he passed away (he was 22 years older than my mother) so that means he had been smoking for 59 years. When the doctors told him he had cancer, they said it was the absolute worst they had seen. His lungs were so black and shrivvled and caked with tar and smoke that they could barely see the cancer. As soon as he found out he had cancer...he quit cold turkey. No questions asked. So I guess it really can be done, it's just a matter of will power and when you want to. Anyway, he had 2/3 of his tounge taken out, all of his teeth pulled (Every last one of them...he had no teeth at all after the surgery) and he had a trach put in his throat. For those of you who don't know what that is, its when they cut a whole in your throat and stick a tube in it so you can breathe. And he would have this for the rest of his life. Since he couldnt eat, drink, or swallow without his tounge, he had a feeding tube put in his stomach.


He was in the hospital for 3 months after the surgery, recovering, all of which I was not allowed to see him because he, my mother, and the doctors felt that he just looked to bad for me to see. I was only 9 at that time. When he came home, he was placed in a hospital bed in my parents bedroom with all kinds of machines hooked up. It really didnt phase me a bit, but it hurt to see him so sick. The nurse tried to feed him through his feeding tube with liquid food, and a few minutes later, he was v*. I ran away and I knew that since this was the first time I had seen my father in months, that image would be ingraved in my head for life.


Over the next few years, my family really started to struggle with money, because of all the hospital bills and my father not able to work. So I was actually pulled out of school, because my mom had to go back to work and I had to take care of my father. Imagine...A 9 year old, changing adult diapers, feeding him, and suctioning out his mouth (Since he could not swallow, all his saliva would build up and we had this little vaccum type machine that would suction it all out into a bucket.) I even had to clean up after he v*, which was quite often....this did wonders for my emetophobia!


Finally, after a long 2 year battle with this. He slipped into a coma and passed away a few days later. It was a bitter-sweet moment. We knew he wasnt in pain anymore, but we missed him so much. I remember the day like it was yesterday...It was a Monday and I had said to my mom that morning that I didnt want to go into school because I didn't feel right. I felt like something was really wrong that day. But she made me go. She said if anything happened my grandparents would come pick me up. Well it was almost the end of the day at school and I was starting to feel better because I thought nothing was going to happen, but then I saw my grandparents standing outside of my classroom. The took me home, but it was too late, my father had already gone. I didn't even get to say goosbye...cliche line I know but it's true. I remember the first thing I said to my mom was..."is he really gone?" and I just broke down.


Dear Lord! I didn't mean to go on and on forever! If any of you are still reading this I'm so sorry I must have bored you to tears! lol. I guess what my point is,is that if you are a smoker...please get out as soon as you can! Especially if your married and have kids! It can be done!I'm not saying that this is GOING to happen to you, but I am saying that the risks are great if you have been smoking for a long time and if you have a history of cancer in your family.


Thanks for listening guys! My dads 6 year death anniversary is coming up this week on the 23rd so I'm just a little down.[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]But

[melissarene]

Wow, thank you tootpla for sharing that story. I'm so sorry you had to see this as a young girl.....

[HDogg]

I am truly sorry to hear about your father's pain and suffering.


The truth is, smokers don't want to quit because the withdrawal symptoms are agony and we think "It will never happen to me." Or we think, "Okay, I can't quit right now, but I'll quit before it gets TOO bad."


Smokers are delusional if we think we really, truly enjoy smoking. Who the hell likes to suck something foul into their lungs? It is just too darn uncomfortable for us not to. The anxiety and restlessness of not having a cigarette is overwhelming. And when you add restlessness, being irritable, and discontent to someone who already suffers from anxiety disorders--it's not a pretty picture. That's why I still smoke. The consequences (cancer, emphesyma or lung disease) seem so far into the future, that we think only of the here and now. Sort of like an instant gratification thing. The withdrawal symptoms seem worse right now, versus the risk of cancer far into the future. Doesn't make sense, but that's the way a smoker thinks. So when we try to quit because someone else wants us to--it doesn't work. Only when we want to quit for ourselves, are we succesful.


I don't want to necessarily defend my smoking--especially to someone who's lost a loved one from it. I just don't want to be treated like I'm the scum of the earth for having an addiction that is really hard to break. We're only human. We are not out to purposely harm you with our smoke.


I try to be very considerate when I do smoke. I won't smoke around non-smokers, unless it's outdoors and I stand a few feet away and don't blow my smoke in their direction. I will definitely not smoke in a non-smoker's home. I will never, ever smoke around kids, period (unless they happen to accidentally cross my path while I'm smoking outdoors). I don't throw my butts on the ground.


I wish we could find common ground. If we be as considerate about our smoking as possible, can you cut us some slack for smoking?


***Once again, not directed at anyone in particular. Just voicing frustrations i've held in for a long time. Not feeling as pissy today, lol. ***

[xxsophiaxx]

you know that smoking lowers ur immune system, rite? you should definitely quit, for someone who fears emet. so much.... geez... if you smoke for two many years, your stomach may become more sensitive as well, making you more likely to v*. And not to mention how much worse your menopause will be later on. Trust me, i know... I've seen it all

[laneyb]

I dont wanna upset anyone or speak out of turn but I think, life is too short somtimes to worry about things like this. We all spend so much time worrying about getting sick so if we can enjoy other things....................why not!!!


I dont smoke, tried forseveral years when I was 15/16 but just didnt like it!! Now as for wine, I love it,I have some mostdays (a glass or 2), if Ive had a particularly bad day I will drink more(but not silly amounts) my dad (who suffers from severe anxiety tellsme I drinbk too much (hes not a drinker) but I think, to hell with it, I like it and if I fancy a couple of glasses of wine I will drink it.


Everyone has their own ways of relaxinbg and altho I dont smoke I dont have a problem when I go out with smokers (dont go out v often).


Sorry didnt add much to this forum, just a bit if waffle really!!!


Laney xx

[HDogg]

Smoking is bad for you? Really???? [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img] Guess I'll quit right now then.


Did I not just spend an entire two posts telling you why smokers smoke and how it's harder to quit than heroin? Oy.


I'm not going to derail this thread further. Sorry it turned into my PMS ranting. To the original poster---good luck staying smoke-free! Seriously, get out while you can, or you'll turn into a crabby pariah like myself. [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[melissarene]

Hdogg...I'm afraid I'll never get out of it, but hey, I agree with laneyb. Life's too short....I know it's bad for me. I'll try to quit when I'm ready. Some people just aren't sensitive, I guess....

[tootpla]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with the story about my father....I just felt I needed to share it for my own personal reasons and to maybe relay the message to smokers that it is a very dangerous game you are playing. I'm sorry...I worded that inccorectly. I reazlise it is not a game at all, it is an addiction. But like any other addiction, it can be broken with support and self-discipline![img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]


Has anyone tried the committ losengez?? My mother-in-law smoked for 30 some years and her doctor told her she had to quit so she went on those lozenges and quit in 1 week! She hasn't smoked in 3 years!

[shiva]

LOL! This post made me laugh because I can relate to both sides of smoking. I have become one of those really annoying ex-smokers so I am annoyingly self rightous about people quitting. On the other hand, I can remember what it is like to be addicted, so I am sympathetic to what you are going through.

I can't count how many packs of cigarettes I threw out of my car window (bad, bad.. litter bug) because I found myself in deep contemplative thought and suddenly had a 'this s*** causes cancer' epiphany. 2 hours later, I would be buying more cigarettes. I was a pack to two pack per day smoker. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night to smoke. I think that quitting smoking is like anything else... people have to come about it on thier own because of something that happens deep inside of them. I think often times it's fear.. Mine was regret.. Whatever the case, it's a personal thing.

My mom quit after 20-some years of smoking after a gall bladder attack. She literally believed she was having a heart attack and she had a 1 year old baby at the time. Even though it wasn't a heart attack, she recalled what was going through her head during the pain and panic and decided she could never smoke again. Mine I guess was kind of the same.

I spent the better part of 10 years as an 'incognito' smoker. Some people knew that I smoked and I thought at the time that others did not. I tried very hard to hide it, but I am sure they were not stupid. And I think I have shared this on this message board before, but we have new ears and it's cathartic for me to talk about it sometimes, so I will share it again....
There are only 2 things in my life that I have done and regret. One of them is starting smoking again after the birth of my daughter. Even though I did not smoke around her- I chose to be ignorant to the fact that that s*** lingered in my car. (I was a big time car smoker). It lingered on my clothes, in my hair, etc. And that residual crap is as bad as the smoke itself, really. Well, my daughter was always sick with respiratory crap and finally at 4 was diagnosed with asthma. The crap we had to go through just so she could breath and I was taking my breathing for granted with cigarettes. It made me sick. The fact that I know that I contributed to my little girl not being able to breath right. It makes me sick. She still struggles with asthma and when she is sick I want to go beat my head against a wall because I am so full of hate for me being so self centered all for what? f***ing cigarettes?

My point is, anyone reading that is probably like 'oh.. drama'. But, because it's my guilt I feel and my new found love of life and my love for my daughter- the feelings are huge to me. And until anyone who smokes has a similar wake up call of their OWN, they will more than likely struggle with quitting. Fortunately, the second I realized my guilt, I was done and have never had another cigarette since. I am not going to lie and say I haven't thought about it, but it's never been strong enough for me to even remotely seriously consider having one.

My wish for anyone who wants to quit is that they will have one of these wake up calls on their own and be able to quit. Until then, I seriously know what you are going through. It's a tough addiction. We wont even get into the angst I have toward the tobacco industry. Ugh.

Edited by: shiva

[kutekim1217]

The Lexapro and Xanax didn't work for you?

[1scareddj]

Xanax has been a god send to me! I just got it a few weeks ago to use while I get used to my zoloft...boy it sure calms me down!! I'm starting to taper off of it now though.....I'm only on .25 mg a day so I should be ok with no wd symptoms..