i hate myself.....

[mystikal star]

I'm sorry for coming on to this site and moaning about my problems all the time. I hope you don't mind another post from my selfish self.


As you may or may not know- I had started to take my anti depressants again because of a situation that happened. Well, after four days I stopped taking them. Then I forgot to take my pill one morning and told myself I'd take it tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning came and I told myself I didn't need the anti depressant. Well- now I've been off them for about a week. Tomorrow I'm going to get back on them. I have no exuse to not be taking them. My psychiatrist coroporated with me and handed me pills for nausea and she is trying her hardest to make me panic free and nausea free while being on the medication. Why am I so stubborn? Anyways, on to what else I wanted to say.


Phobia is getting bad once again. I feel nauseous every day. I try to talk myself out of the panic by telling myself it's not real nausea but what if I talk myself out of REAL nausea one day and end up sick? I'm tired of fearing v every day of my life. I feel like emet is smothering me and I'm fighting for the smallest amount of air.


I feel sick right now and I don't know why. I haven't eaten since 3:00PM--that was about five hours ago. My mom brought Dairy Queen home because I asked her to get mea twist cone with sprinkles. Of course when she brought it home I felt sick. And I feel sick now. I'm having a rough evening. I was so happy and out of no where I turned into a mad man and I'm full of anger. I thought a nice bath would help but of course the hot water tank have blew. So in order to not stink I had to wash off with cold water. Didn't get to wash my hair because I'm afraid having cold water on my head will make me sick. Got out of the tub and got dressed. You know how us emets have little safety things? Well I have a new one now and I can't break free. I have to wear a pad every day because if I were to v I don't want to crap all over the place. All the times I've v-ed I have crapped also. Now deep down I know that pad won't do much if I did crap myself while v-ing but having it there makes me feel safe. Well, after the little bath which shouldn't even be called a bath, I forced myself to not put the pad on. And I got another safety thing too. In order to fall asleep at night I must have my Bible in the bed with me. My mom gave me a worry stone. Its basically an angel inside a rounded clear piece of glass. I have to have that worry stone in my pocket. I have to have my cross necklace on my neck. And in order to leave the house I have to have my necklace on and the worry stone in my pocket. I believe those items will protect me from v. How CRAZY am I? I just realized something tonight while I was crying.....I'm NUTS.


And I feel sick right now. I don't know if its because I'm stressed tonight or if I'm going to be sick. I feel hungry and I want that ice cream from Dairy Queen so I must not be sick. I DONT KNOW. I dont want to take any chances. I could cry. Edited by: mystikal star

[terified girl]

Hey Star, hugs sweetie, ok your really not doing too good right now...


The part that you wrote tht your afraid your going to get yourself out of real nausea is a good thing because if you convince yourself that its not real, the nausea will pass, and if it is real and you should v*, which I doubt, then it will have been a surprise to you instead of the imaginable......Plus because you have nausea does not mean you will v for sure, my bf taught me that one, he told me he's got his days where his stomach feels off but he doesn't v* and it doesn't mean he's going to v*.


I think you are stressed out about taking these pills, and I think that if your not ready to take them, then you shouldn't, but by stressing about taking them, your stomach is going crazy and thats why your probably feeling so lousy...


Also not eating for 5 hours does not help, go ahead and make yourself some toast and if you start to feel better then go ahead and have that DQ!!!!!!!Yummy!!!! I want some too now....Mint Oreo....mmmmmmmmm


Ok you see what you've done to me now?! Now I gotta wake up my bf and tell him I want an ice cream, he'll probably go for one himself!!!!


Anyways I've been where you are with the stress and I will tell you, it plays a HUGE role in the way your stomach feels, try not to let it get to you too much, and try to relax, it will help...


Go watch the boob toob and try to eat while you have your mind occupied....


Let me know how your doing!


Sonia

[Jenneh]

your not crazy at all.


i used to do things JUST LKE YOU! and at difficult times i still do. i have a small stone that i always carry around with me to "protect me from v*ing" and i used to wear a small cross all the time as well. before i left the house, i used to always have to say the lords prayer and say over and over again " god, dont let me be sick, God, dont let me be sick". its just the way i was. so ur not crazy and u cant help the way that u are.


i hate waking up and have to analyse how i feel all the time. i hate evry minute of the day me saying to myself " how do i feel, do i feel sick" e.t.c e.t.c e.t.c its so annoying but again, its the way we are. and in a way, we have to feel comfort that we dont HAVE to be lke this. if we work hard enough, with therapy, we can get rid of this thing.


keep talkin to us, ur not selfish and i dont think u need to apologise for moaning to us. its what we're here for.


Jen xxxxxxxxxx

[jazz]

i make a habit of only sleeping with one cuddly toy every night, in fear that sleeping with 2 will make me puke!
Lol- now even I know thats crazy, but i find it kinda funny because it's so irrational.
You have absolutely nothing to worry about, other than the fact your stomach is empty. Have a bite to eat and relax yourself.. Get ingrossed in a tv programme, play a game, get occupied. It DOES help.
I feel nauseated lots too, it's all in my head. I can completely understand how frustrating it is for you, everyone here can, I assure you!
How about trying to go for a day without wearing a pad, and just carrying one around with you, until you feel confident enough to perhaps leave one at home unless you need one obviously.
Next time you experience nausea, see how long you can go for without resorting to using pads, because i can almost guarantee, you wont need one