Rock Bottom

[izzybee]

Hey everyone. I'm here for a vent!


I feel so down at the moment. Everything is overwhelming me again. I'm still going into school (I didnt go much last year) and went in everyday this week (I've had 90% attendance for the year) But its just ooverwhelming me at the moment. Its making me so tired and feeling awful. I feel really ill in shcool, almost like I'm going to collapse. I need help. I cant cope on my own - but I'm alone in school! I have my friends but I dont want to drag them into this mess. Its horrible. I'm ending up just moping around school looking misrable, and I am misrable.


Its also the 5 year aniversary of my mum moving out 5 YEARS!!! For 5 years now I've been without a proper home! I hate it! 5 years of my life wasted, measured in weeks and with no future. I'm just like in lingo between 2 houses and lives.


Also, with my going to school my therepist is obviously very pleased (and so he should be!) But he doesnt bother about the mantal impact its having on me, its making misrable, and it shouldnt be. Also he thinks that I'm ok now and wants toend contact with me. I HAVE THIS F*ING PHOBIA, I'M NOT CURED! I'M JUT GOING TO SCHOOL AND FELEING MISRABLE! I hate it - why is it that people think as soon as you do well you're fine, or make it through an event without dieing of panic that you're cured and ok. My phobia is awful - I cant live and be me anymore!


grr I hate it - I'm so stressed out by all of this - I jsut want a nice kind person (who isnt a pparent and defenatly not a therpist) to moan and cry to. wa wa wa jfgjkfkjdfklgfdklgfdj!!! Strangely that helped, tapping angrily on my computer. jkfdjkfdjkfdskjfdskjfdgkjfdsgkjgfdskjgfdkjfkjhkjgf dib lautlbe.


Thanks to listening to my cr*p

[jazz]

you can tellus almostanything, i know exactly u how you feel! you're doing SO well taking yourself to school, just don't get hung up on yourself because you're not 100% yet.
you must never ever be disappointed with yourself, and although this must be getting you down, you are definately not a mess, otherwise you wouldn't have the energy for a moan- i do know where you're coming from!
You CAN! live! You have to believe that, get yourself out ther and go to this sleepover, and enjoy every minute of it..you can't let emet drag you back, and if your therapist is that stupid, then i think you should go ahead and defy him, grab a new therapist who knows what they're talking about and get it ALL out of your system.
you're not talking crap hun', because people like us know what it is to feel blind panic every day. we know what it is to have our every move dominated by this effing phobia!!
maybe no-one understands you fully right now, but you're not to blame at all, just as you're not to blame for feeling low and having a vent.
Noy only that, but you're friends are there for you no matter what. You may think they're drifting away, but at the end of the day they'll be concerned for you and they'll WANT to help.


As for your mum, I'm very sorry to hear that you still feel hurt. I can't say that I've ever had an experience which has forced me to be parted from my parents, but if you EVER need to share your feelings, im always on msn to talk to.
you're not the only person who feels defeated because of emet, believe me!
hugs, jazz

[emms]

I here for you! You're therapist is excited because despite all of the anxieties, you are making progress by going. One of these days, you'll be at school and for just one moment you'll forget about the phobia, and you'll find yourself surprised. Gradually, these moments will increase until thinking of the phobia is a passing thought, not an anxiety. I promise you're making more progress than you think and every say that you go, you are a stronger person because of it! Again, I am here for you!

[mbs730]

Yeah you should give yourself more credit than you are,
its very couragous of you to do that.... I know its hard but you will
make it, you have to believe



Miriam

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[sunshine16]

Oh Iz...I'm here for ya hunn.


Things can get really rough around this time of year...school is more or less something that is just plain annyoing although it is the same routine...and for most people school is something that means anxiety. So its perfectly ok for you to be feeling down lately and such...and that things just seem to be very annoying! As for your therapist, he shouldn't be making you feel so down.


Anyways Iz, this will be brighter soon, I promise.


It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow!

[2jo2]

Awww... sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I'm curious if you've talked about your feelings about moving back and forth between parents with your parents? My parents were divorced and I know the feeling of going back and forth, although my mom had custody, so I did the every other weekend thing with my dad and then a long weekend a month when I was older. I always felt resentful about having to uproot my life, when it wasn't me that chose to break them up!!! I'm so sorry you have to go thru that, I totally sympathize with you.


I'm glad you're going to school, don't get so down on yourself, you're doing great just in attending school! Tell your counselor that you're not ready to end going to see him. That's what they're (supposed to be) there for.

[Jenneh]

Izzy, you are such a good friend to me, and i hate to see you this way.


&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;hugs&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;


im sorry i wasnt there for you last night, but was having a real bad time of my own and so dont think i cud hav helped you, one tiny bit.


but both you, and me, need to get across to our therpaists that we're not goddamn cured and we're not happy to carry on living like this. im certainly not going to get dismissed like this - having suicidal thoughts every day - managiong school but nothing else cos im so zonked and exhausted from all the anxiety throughtout the day.


sounds like its the same for you. u can always always ALWAYS come to me to moan and cry, i know im not physically there for support, but i will certainly always listen and understand you.


at school, would you feel comfortable talking to a teacher or smthing about how ur struggling? sometimes its nice for them to realise how hard it is for u to get to school. u sed recently ur RE teacher congratulated you? why dont you try having a little chat with her about things so you can get some proper support, not just from ur therapist.


i dunno, maybe im spouting crap. but ur fantastic Izzym, and deserve more in this life.


Jen xxxxxxxxxx

[sarahx]

I hate to see ppl like this (


I just want to take all of the pain away for you and everyone else. Make sure you tell your therapist exactly how ur feeling and where things arent going right, make them listen to you! I wish ther was more i could do for you. ou can always, always moan, cry, vent, swear anything at me! I think you hav my msn addy...? I really hope hings pick up for you soon, and you know what... it will. It did for me when i thought nothing could ever help me again. I thought i was losing my battle and losing the will to live, but you have to hang in there and make it work. u deserve a happy, healthy life so go get it!


Sarah xxx

[izzybee]

aw. thanx for replying. I feel so bad and its nice to know that people out there do care (even if theyare on the other side of a computer)


Today I still feel awful - but I guess its a bit better that its a saturday without school. I have a week off school not next week the week after - and am going to try and do some good things in that week off. I think I deserve it to be honest! grrrr I hate these down moments - you feel so helpless and like theres no way out of it - I know that I will get out of this phase eventually and hopefully be my happy mad self very soon.


thankyou very very very much for replying - i'm going to a sleepover tonight (other post) and hopefully if my emet doesnt get bad I should have a good time. Maybe that will help - jsuthaving a'normal' evning with my friends. Althouhg sometimes its very hard to pretend that i am normal when I'm just hiding my real feelings. Anyway i should be thinking positivly. Lets hope I have a good time!!


thanx!

[Jenneh]

good luck for 2nite Izzy, i really hope its a good nigiht for you -nwhere u can relax and 'let ur hair down' u really deserve one of those.


Jen xxxx

[emmab]

Hi I jus want to say that I know how you feel. I find it a struggle to go out of the house of every day. In September I moved out on my home in the country and moved to london to go to university. I feel lonely in london and it is so busy and I cannot wait until every weekend so that I can just come home to stay in.
Every day I wake up I worry about going to college and how this phobia affects me. I am trying to see living in london as therapy working alongside the cbt therapy I am having but it is really hard. When Monday comes around and I have to leave my dads to go back to london - I hate it but I know I have to do it.
Keep looking forward and positive (I know it is really hard and we cannot always be strong) but we feel so much better then.

[izzybee]

ga. I feel awful!


I went to the sleepover - and had a good time ish (althouhg it didnt shake this mood) It was pretty scarry and it took a couple of texts and calls to people to help calm me down (thanx for being there for me) Everyone ate alot, and one of my friends decided she would show off that she likes to drink alot of milk(attention seeking!) and felt a ill, but it was ok. Plus my fried has an awful cold, so I've probably picked up that which is lovely. But I'm glad I went, I would be even more misrable if I didnt go and gave into this.


I am very tired tho. I was scared to sleep, but managed to get to sleep at about 5.30am (the last person went to sleep at 5am) I came home and slept fro about 10am to 3pm!!! I was so annoyed with myself and I've now had such a short day. grrrrrrr I still feel misrabel - I'm not feeling very well, but I guess thats the physical side of feeling down,and I'm thinking, which is a very dangerous thing to be doing!! Its the end of the week and time to think about moving to differnt house for a week, andschoolwith all the work that I need to do, plus the thaught of a looming mass with people throing upon thursday. I dont kno how I do it, I cant cope with all this!!! ga I think I need to go and throw some books on the floor! they makea nice loud noise and I dont hurt my hands doing it!!


oh well - I have school tomorrow - and staying at home is not an option - I dont want to go back to my old ways, I wantgoing to school being part of a normal routien again. hmmmmm


Ga I hate this all

[Scampi]

Izzy - is there someone at school you feel you could open up to? Not necessarily a teacher - maybe a member of the support staff who you know and trust? If you found someone like that, at least you would have someone to talk to when things are tough. I suggest support staff because lots of people (including school students!) forget they exist. I was a science technician for 13 years and unofficial shoulder-in-chief! There were a few people who struggled at school for lots of different reasons who came to me to talk - maybe you can find someone too. Do you like the SENCO at your school - if so, talk to him/her about your feelings. It is their job to do all they can to help you feel safe and settled at school so that you can do your best academically.


I wish I had some ideas for you to help you with your difficulties at home, but all I can do is suggest you talk to your parents about howyou feel about your split life. And I know that's not necessarily possible, so it's not much help to you. But at least if you can find support at school, you won't dread 5 days out of 7 - that's got be be better than nothing.


Best wishes, Jill xxx