Sometimes...okay, daily.

[alliecat]

Hey All... I haven't written a post in forever... mostly because I didn't have a computer of my own until this past weekend, and now I have the internet, so I am able to get back on here and get the awesome support that gets provided here.... Anyway... I am posting because lately, I feel like my life is in a downward spiral. I hate my job, its incredibly hard trying to find a new one in my area. I feel undervalued, underpaid for my time (and I have bills and rent to pay!), and disrespected. And because I've felt this way for a while, and all the while still searching for a new job, I now think that I don't deserve any better, and I will always feel like this.


On top of that, I've been sick with some crazy virus that makes me have ZERO energy, and I want to work out so that my back stops hurting, but I'm too tired. When I go to sleep at night, I can't sleep until late late, and then I sleep really lightly, then I have to get up for work. My doctor took me off of Lexapro for anxiety(which he says he thinks I don't even have), after I was in the ER for having suicidal thoughts... He prescribed me Ativan, but I haven't picked it up because I've already spend too much money on prescription drugs and I can't afford it right now. Now that I'm not on any meds, this phobia has gotten worse, again. I feel gaggy all day long, and it does get worse when I'm under stress and at work. I wish that I could stay home and work from home, like online or something... all day long...


Anyway, I don't know how to relieve myself anymore. All I want to do is cry. I feel like I'm some kind of hopeless story. I don't know what to do.

[eyecandi512]

Ativan is wonderful for the anxiety.....I wish I had more.


I am feeling quite depressed too lately. All I do is cry and start fights. I'm not happy, i'm argumentative, lonely, and isolated. I dont talk to anyone anymore and I'm letting my phobias and anxiety get the best of me. I am here for support....I know what it's like. Unfortunately I havent been able to get myself out of it either.

[alliecat]

Hey, do you have an AIM screen name? You sound just like ,me lately.

[faith-marilyn]

hey there *hug* sounds awful! First thing that I would suggest u do is ask your boss 4 a pay rise because u have good reason for this. The only thing he/she can do is say no, but atleast u will have tried. How come ur not on ur meds anymore, may I ask? Have u thought about going back on them?
Hope your feelin okay!
xxxx

[Jenneh]

i sympathise with you. i really do.


today is a day of complete hopelessness for me too.


writing is a gr8 way of relieving urself -- along with crying ... dont be ashamed to do either of those.


it must be hard tryin to function normally with a bug as well -- so try not to be too hard on urself.


Jen xxxxx

[clairethebear]

Sorry you are in a bad place hon. Things sound really tough for you right now. If it makes you feel any better several of us are feeling as bad as you right now including myself so never ever think you are alone cause everyone is here for you.

[mbs730]

I'm sorry you are suffering, I hope things get better for you soon and yes ativan I hear is great...





Miriam

[eyecandi512]

Alliecat, of course, my AIM screen name is also my name here: eyecandi512


IM me anytime, I'm always on.


Hope to hear from you soon, Danielle

[sarahx]

Im sorry ur having such a bad time. It must be hard to have meds and not be able to afford them. I think u should keep on trying to look for another job, one that will be better for u.


I wish i could be of more help, all i can say is u can email me anytime,


[email protected]


Sarah xxx

[alliecat]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Its nice to hear that there are people who care.


Faith, I'm not taking my meds anymore because my doctor took me off of them after I started feeling like I wanted to cut myself. They haven't put me back on anything yet... I don't know if I will. I often wonder why I need meds and I can't just be friggin' normal like everyone else. It upsets me so much. Arg.


I am still looking for a new job. The job market in California for a 19 year old sucks.


I had a horrid panic attack today at work... then I cried at work (again) and I felt okay. It was weird. I felt sick, I had a headache, my heart was pounding, and I felt like I was being choked. I wasn't even producing any spit. It was weird.

[eyecandi512]

Alliecat, I used to cut myself too. I was hospitalized when I was a lot younger for over 200 or so cuts all over my body. I still have the scars. I am still on meds, and have actually requested past psychiatric records bc I feel in inpatient treatment is where I got worse bc of all the drug and horrible treatment I had. Sometimes when I get REALLY upset I want to cut myself, but I do other things like pluck hairs instead-which is not MUCH better. I go off my medicine all the time...I've been on meds for over 10 years now (and I'm only 20 years old) I know I need them, but I hate to know that I need them and experiment with taking them. Eventually I crawl back to my doctor so sick in the head and cry about what I have done. The past 13 years have been horrible for me (isn't that sad?) I wish I could just be normally too....and I cry all the time, and tell my boyfriend if I had one wish-it would be to be normal......


We should definitely talk more, we have so much in common....I gave you my screen name in an above post...or PM me

[alliecat]

Eyecandi- Thank youso much for your compassion. I love the fact that you and I have so much in common as far as this crap goes... you know. lol. I tried to IM you yesterday, but you were away. My AIM screen name is GreenEydGlare. We definitely should talk.


Well... I'm off to work, unfortunately.