seriously going to break down now

[mbs730]

I know people are not too thrilled with me right now and what I am going to talk about may upset a few people but I'm sorry, NO IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SIL THIS TIME. Andyeah this is mostly off topic so I'm sorry. I have to take that risk since I am DEALING with something ALONE and no one else can understand how bad this is, or might be. I didnt want to say anything before because it wasnt enough time to truely scare me but now... its been enough time. Can this year get any worse? Well its almost over so its gotta be capped with something right? Well I am almost a week late now and after having my son, all of my periods have been almost to the day! I would have hated someone like me today back when I was dying to have a baby 3-4 years ago while struggling with fertility treatments and all but all my husband and I can deal with and have always wanted was 2 kids, and thats IT, and that is what we have been blessed with. Our son was a surprise, not a planned pregnancy and wasnt really ready for him but... since we always wanted 2 we were fine with it. However this is the LAST thing I can deal with right now!! I CANNOT, WE CANNOT have anymore kids! Its notJUST a matter of NOT WANTING another, we cant financially and emotionally afford to have anymore. We are in a financially not so great situation too because my husband has all of this dental work that has to be done which is costing us thousands of $$, and the insurance covers very little of it. Because of having 2 kids, I only work part time but am starting to do sales which I am not even ready to do honestly. The horrible thing about this too is, well we have been BEYOND careful and it wouldnt exactly surprise me if that one in a million chance happened to us. Taking care of 2 kids is hard enough, especially when the older one is jealous of the younger one,but its stilldoable. I keep on hearing everywhere big difference between 2 and 3!! We know we can never deal with 3! I still dont know for sure but... I think I am pregnant. I feel pregnant. I am n more, and I wouldnt be surprised if that is why I really v'ed. I dont think it was stress alone. I really dont know what to do. I am going to give it another 48 hours and if it doesnt come by then, I'll have to go to the dr. Heaven help me if I am, I CANNOT have another child. My husband and I were talking tonight and he isnt thrilled about it, but this is going to be the ONLY option if I am. I am not exactly a religious type of person, in fact I think in a nondenomenational matter but I could NEVER abort unless it was detected the fetus had a disease that would end up killing anyway. Since there are SO many infertile couples out there that have tried IVF and are willing to give anything to have a baby, we would have to give the child up. It would be better for us, most importantly better for the child!! It would make a desperate couple happy, a win win situation if you ask me. His only concern was, later down the road if the child were to seek us, we would have a lot of explaining to do. And our 2 kids would be wondering about their sibling running around too. Well, I'm sorry but that is really the ONLY option for us, especially since we KNOW we could NEVER cope with another. I had post partum depression after our oldest was born, with our son I didnt really get it and that was more luck than anything. Because of all of this, it would be a high chance I would get it if I were to have another. The last thing I want to end up doing is resenting an innocent child for a huge upheaval that no one could cope with. I bet I am, I am not going to bother with a HP test because it came back negative when I was late with my son too. I am VERY hormonal, very edgy, feel awful, LATE! Yeah its gotta be and since we were careful, I guess anything can still happen Then in 6 weeks my husband has to go for another CT scan to see if the cells would reappear... gosh, wouldnt that be grand? It would come back positive, since he has no real disability he would lose his job, he will be v'ing from radiatio

[sbias]

Ok Miriam if some of my remarks seem off color, or I make silly remarks I am really sorry, I am on my pills, and I woke up with my stomach on fire, actually woke me out of a dead sleep.


Miriam first off, I know your scared of being pregnant. I'm scared for you too, and I respect your wishes to not abort. However, you are the parent of children, and I know just from our conversations how much you love your children. I love Andrew more than I care about anything else in the world, but the bond between a mother and a child is something I could never understand. If you are my concern is how you would feel as the time drew closer to actually giving the child to someone else.


On the other hand, you are scared and nervous right now. My experience with my ex-wife was anytime she had stress, she was late, and you are not sure yet. So there is a chance that you aren't. I know my little computer words offer no real comfort. But I do give a rat's ass if someone is in pain, anyone on here can attest to me doing what I can to help them if they feel bad. Miriam I hope you can get your therapy for your emet. One of the things I preach on here is how much I want people better. You need to relax, and stay calm. Try to keep your mind off of things. I know that sounds stupid, but try and start a novel, watch a bunch of movies, anything to relax. Take really long baths, think of me waking up in a hospital room , demanding to see my gall bladder, and then passing out. I am off work for a week, and you know my MSN name, catch me on, and we will talk about anything you want to keep your mind off of it.


Take care,


Stephen

[eyecandi512]

Miriam, I am so sorry for all that you are going through, honestly and truly. I thought I was pregnant last month and it was the most horrible thing in the world when you are not ready for a child (or more in your case). It turned out I wasnt pregnant, but my only option would have been to abort the fetus if I was. It is a horribly difficult decision to make, and I respect you decision to give the child up for adoption, but understand that that too is hard hard, probably harder for me than an abortion would be.


Keep in mind though, tha your period may be delayed from extreme stress, that's what happened to me. And stress can also cause an early miscarriage, an undetectable one. Don't get me wrong--not that I am wishing that pain or emtoinoal distress on you, and I'm sure you know all this this you have gone through 2 child births and probably know what your body feels like to be pregnant.


I am hoping you are not for your sake, and your husbands sake.


Mir-I feel hrrible for what you're going through, and I know I am quite powerless over the internet to make anything better, but nevertheless I will always be here if you need support or some friendly words. You know my screen name! I hope everything turns out the way you want, and I hope your husbands CT comes back negative. What is wrong with your husband by the way? I'm sorry, I have no idea. I know you have so much stress and can honestly understand that this is the last thing you need right now, and just for the record book, I am not mad at you and don't mind listening to anything off topic [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]


God bless hun!


Danielle

[HDogg]

No words that I could ever say would be enough to make you feel better. Most of us on this site have delicate emotions to begin with, and it's almost like the blind leading the blind, when it comes to advice. A lot of our advice is filled with platitudes like, "Well, once you hit rock bottom, it can only get better from there!" and "Everything happens for a reason!"


I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you. I hurt inside everytime I read your posts and just wish I could reach out to you and help you. I see that you are insecure about yourself, as is evident from your previous posts. I can also see that you are a "people-pleaser" like me and never want to say or do anything to hurt anyone and are also an attention-seeker, like myself. When we feel alone, we just want someone--anyone--to pay attention to us and offer support. And yet, when someone does offer support and say they care, we automatically start asking questions like, "Is this person just saying these nice things or do they really mean them? Are they just pretending to like me? Is everyone out to get me?"


I see so much of myself in your posts that it's hard not to feel like I want to rescue you in some way. As someone wise once told me, I can't save everyone. When I reach too deeply into someone's lives, I take their burden as well as mine. That's why I would make an awful therapist! I don't know how to be supportive without literally taking their burden and making it mine.


I won't offer you any "Aww, hun. It'll be okay. It's just stress. Feel better!" Because I know that is not what you need to hear right now. Quite frankly, you could be pregnant, your sister-in-law could make your life even more miserable, and your husband could be ill again. Right now I am struggling financiallly as well, and have lost all ammenities right now, and our Internet is about to be cut off too. So who knows when I'll be back online again? We have no vehicles, as all three have broken down. We are relying on friends and family to get us everywhere and we have no money to fix them right now. So yes, the crap DOES hit the fan. When it rains, it pours! Like does suck!


However, I have peace and hope. Even though I have nothing right now--not even any food in the house except for mac n cheese and Ramen noodles, I am content. Why? Because God has humbled me in a way I never thought possible. When I try to control my life, it gets completely OUT of control. When I think I know everything, I suddenly become a fool. When I try to make sense out of life, everything falls apart. I'm learning a very valuable lesson right now.


I could break down and freak out and beg my husband to take me to the psych ward, but I don't. I have submitted to my higher power and said, "Look, God. I give up. I surrender. Take my life and do with me as You will." And suddenly, even though my life is in shambles right now and I don't know if it will get worse or better, I know that in the end, things will be better than ever.


Even though you say you are not a religious person, I beg you to find a church, synagogue, mosque--whatever--to attend. If you can't believe in God, believe in another power greater than yourself. If you give up and give in and realize you cannot do things on your own, you will find PEACE.


I will pray fervently for you, as I worry that you will hurt yourself. You sound like I did a few years back when I was suicidal. I don't want you to take that route. So please, seek counseling. They can take it slow with you so you don't become overwhelmed. Seek out friends, family, anyone whom you can trust, even a little. Email me at [email protected]. Although, like I said, my In

[2jo2]

I'll be thinking of you, Miriam. I'm so sorry things seem so bleak for you right now. I sincerely hope you can find some peace in your life soon.


Heather, that was a beautiful post.

[Melikasa]

However, I have peace and hope. Even though I have nothing right now--not even any food in the house except for mac n cheese and Ramen noodles, I am content. Why? Because God has humbled me in a way I never thought possible. When I try to control my life, it gets completely OUT of control. When I think I know everything, I suddenly become a fool. When I try to make sense out of life, everything falls apart. I'm learning a very valuable lesson right now.


I don't know if that showed as a quote HDogg, but that is how I feel as well. As soon as we gave up on feeling sorry for ourselves for not having money, or even a place to live a while back things started to qork out a bit. We prayed to God and thanked him for giving us the strength.

I know as you say you are nondenominational it seems hard to believe all this but all you have to trust in is your own strength...and it is there.
Stress DOES make you late, and you have had a lot of it.
Whatever you decide is meant to be. Pur baby was an "accident" We had tried and to no avail. THEN when we were both out of work with 1/2 month rent I found out I was pregnant. It couldn't have been a better event. Somehow it worked out. I know you are thinking so what...It worked out for you. I just want to let you know that it CAN work out. If it wasn't for him we wouldn't have found the great place we did out of the city, or met a the guy that got my HUSBAND the job he so desperatly needed.
In turn I am helping out the neighbours we have that are in financial difficulties. Believe me you ARE in my prayers and I truely hope that it all works out.

[Galadriel]

Hey Miriam,


I also really feel for you. I know you must be scared to death, adn thats a really hard position to be in. I know we talked some, and I hope that helped, just knowing people really do care. Heather is right, when the crap hits the fan, it really does, and it happens and it sucks. I wish I could make it all go away for you, because I can only imagine the struggles you are going thro right now. You will come out on the other side of this, I know you will, you'll make it. People on here really do care about you Miriam, its hard to see you suffer thro this. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[mbs730]

Thanks and Danielle my husband was diagnosed with a testicular malignant tumor back in early March, 3 weeks before our son's birth, not to mention he almost died at birth. Its been a fun time huh? Luckily the tumor was enclosed and he never had to go on any kind of treatment, but he has to be checked every 4 months through a CT scan to see if there are any cells growing. He was checked back in April and then in August and so far so good, he has to be checked again in 6 weeks. However if there is any evidence of new cells growing then he has to go on radiation therapy and the area where he will be receiving the radiation WILL more than likely cause him to v! I know that should not be my main concern about this, but well... as an emet being 10 times more phobic of others v'ing than myself, well...it wont be a pretty sight with me being around him if it were to happen. His father died of cancer, he had cancer several times in his life, the father that is. My husband might be prone to it. I dont know. The thing too that doesnt make sense about me, if I am pregnant that is, his sperm count was low to begin with, that is why we had to do fertility treatments while trying to conceive our daughter, and our son was a surprise. The fact that he had one of his testicles removed would have lowered his count even more and we have also been SOOO careful. It probably is stress delaying it, but if not, well this is what is going to have to be. Another child for us is just not an option. It will only complicate things more and I also cannot take a chance with developing post partum depression again, no it justwont work. The last thing I want to do is resent the child for being there. So since I couldnt live with myself if I aborted, and not that I judge those who do but thats just me, I couldnt do it. After clearing the first trimester I will have to look into an agency to find couples who want to adopt a child. It would be best for the child, for us, for everything. Lets just hope because of stress and being sick with the flu, cold, etc I had an annovulatory month and that is the delay. If this turns out to be a scare which we are hoping all it is, well I am going to have to make an appointment to have my tubes tied, not kidding and until that happens, my husband is just going to have to live because I dont want to deal with this again. Even after a tubal ligation, we will be just as careful. What a nightmare

[Melikasa]

I am sure that if it is a pregnancy and you do put him/her up for adoption you will be fullfilling someones dreams that can't have a child. I know people that have been in this position and you are giving your baby such a wonderfully loving family to grow up in. I was adopted for these reasons and I have never "regretted" or "hated" my family for doing this. I love my adoptive family SOOO much. She died of cancer a few years after I was born so it was never an option to look her up. I think it is such a common and respected occurence to put a child up for adoption that your child won't feel rejected.
As for the cancer. I know a lot of men that have been ok after so keep your chin high and your heart confident.

[mbs730]

Melikasa I am really sorry to hear this and I am also happy to hear that you feel the way you do. My husband and I were talking tonight and if I AM pregnant, which is... not sure how likely it is but I am still scared of the possibility... its the best option. Three kids just is too much for us. Anyway thanks for the encouraging words and I sure hope my husband will be in the majority.

[sage]

What exactly does SOOO careful mean? What kind of birth control methods are you using? I'm assuming you must mean you're on the pill, or you're using condoms with something else as well. If this is the case, there'sprobably no chance you're pregnant. For sure the stress can make you late, although that isn't much help, I suppose...it's hard to reduce stress even when you know you have it.


Your husband must be beside himself as well. Gosh. Hard to know what to say to someone with as much on their plate as you two. It would sure be great to get some counselling. Even if it's not "treatment" per se, for emetophobia...but just someone to talk to, confide in and be supportive. That would probably go a long way.


Keep us posted.

[sarahx]

Miriam, im sorry i havent been online lately to talk... I have been in your position. When my daughter was 4months old i got pregnant while i was on the pill! I guess i was very fertile! Anyway, i was only 18, struggling financially with having a 4month old and not ready at all even though i wanted lots more children. So i ended up having an abortion, and i think it was the biggest mistake of my life! I wish i had struggled on and had the baby. I admire you for saying you could give your child away, that takes courage, i know i just couldnt do it, if i went ahead with the pregnancy i would become too attached. But you may not be pregnant, and if you are, it wont be the end of the world. Hey if you are pregnant and you want the baby adopted ill take him/her!! Im praying for your husband too, im am certain everyting will continue to be fine. I have lots of hope for ppl who have had cancer because my mum had a rare cancer and shes been cured 6 years now! I kno what its like living with the fear tho as i will have to be checked every year cos of the type of cancer my mum had is hereditary. But we have to keep positive, put a smile on ur face, it will work wonders! Come online and moan at me, i wont mind!


(((hugs)))


Sarah xxx

[mbs730]

I saw my dr today. The protection we have been using is condoms with spermicidal foam, and just avoiding ovulating period all together and there was no leakage. But just from being late, even though I know that I am being overly cautious still makes me wonder. I feel a little better anyway. She told me the chances of me being pregnant are very unlikely and I am late because of losing weight, having the flu and the good old stressI have been under. Even though I had the signs of ovulation she said because of all of those factors, it probably still didnt happen and therefore my cycle is going to be messed. I'm not going to be completely at ease until tomorrow afternoon because I had a blood test done today and the results will be in then. But really.. I know the odds are beyond slim that I am. She even agreed that adding a third would be disasterous for us considering our financial situation at the moment,my history of PPD and just everything else we have to deal with. Anyway if its negative which is probably is, and if I dont get it within a week she will give me provera to force it on. I am also going to immediately set up a date to have that tubal ligation and my husband will have to live until sometime after that. If that 1 in a billion chance were to happen, then my original plan must stick since its really going to be our only option. I discussed this even with my mother who is heartsick since she knows she will not be seeing my brother's kids. I made her see that another child for us would be very bad and does agree. So that is the latest. Just pray that the odds are with me.


Miriam

[eyecandi512]

I am glad you spoke to your doctor and your mind is more at ease now. I agree that a tubal ligation is a good idea. My mom had one after my sister was born. I hope the blood test comes out for you.


I truly think all the stress is causing you to miss your period....it happens t me all the time, but none the less scarey. Did you ever considering using the pill as a more reliable method of birth control even though you are considering tubal ligation?

[mbs730]

Thanks. I have thought about that lots of times but also hear of too many stories of women getting pregnant on the pill. My MIL's friend's daughter did!! I am not too sure if this is the case anymore but many brands have not so desirable side effects, not n or v but more like weight gain and such.

[crazybeautiful]

Actually birthcontrol pills do have vomitting and nausea as side effects. I'm on Alesse and those were both named. The pill can also make you lose/gain weight. I think it's worth the risk (a little extra weight) rather than have a kid, when you don't want them.

[mbs730]

Thanks but after knowing one way or another tomorrow I am going to stick to my original plan.

[terified girl]

Good luck babe!

[Galadriel]

Hey there!!


You must be at least partway relieved!! Your doc is probably right, your prolly not pregnant, but I know what you mean, you just can't breathe easy till you get the blood test back!


Let us know how it goes!! Tubes tied is definately a good idea if your sure you dont want anymore kids. Very good idea...hope it works out good!!

[kentuckygalrk]

Hey Miriam...


I'm praying for you... hoping that the news that you want is the news that you receive when you talk to your doctor!!!


And... as for the whole getting pregnant while on the pill... just ask my best friend and her husband. She was on the pill AND they used a condom... now they have a five and a half week old son. Not that they aren't thrilled... they love him more than life itself, but they were planning on waiting a little bit longer to start a family. I guess baby Connor had other ideas!


Again I hope that everything turns out as what's best for you and your family right now!


~Rachel

[mbs730]

Thanks Rachel, and yeah the pill is not as effective as one would think. But the pill AND a condom? Wow! Anyway GOOD NEWS! I am NOT pregnant. At least I have a big boulder that has been lifted off of my back. Well if I dont get it in a week then I will have to go on provera or something. I am DEFINITELY making a date to arrange for me to have my tubes tied! I dont want to have to face a crisis like this AGAIN! I told my husband today that we do nothing until after the procedure and he moaned!! UGGH how nice that he cares, he has to be reminded sometimes that I am the one going through this, not him! That really gets to me! Oh well... anyway I am happy about this.


Miriam

[sarahx]

Hey miriam, glad u got hat bit sorted out. And no the pill is not effective and i dont reccommend it! I got pregnant twice on the pill!!


ANyway, hugs


Sarah xxx

[mbs730]

Wow... well I am glad I followed my initial insticts about it

[HDogg]

I've been on the pill two years and never had a problem yet. I make sure to take it at the same time every day--around 10 pm. You have to take the pill very properly to ensure you don't get pregnant. I think even after taking it four hours later than you're supposed to, you increase your risk!


But anyway, I'm glad the test results turned out okay. I have heard that having a vesectomy is a lot less invasive and less risky surgery than tubal ligation. I don't know if that surgery is possible for your husband, because of his circumstances, but you might want to see if he can get snipped instead of you. I told hubby that I am not going to take that bullet, unless I have to have a Ceasarian and they're already in that area anyway. He's getting snipped, not me, lol! I'm too chicken!

[e-lizabeth]

i never had any problems with the pill, or with my IUD, but instead of you geting your tubes tied, why not get your hubby to have a vasectomy? it's a way less serious and invasive a procedure.

[mbs730]

The other problem with the pill is if you take an antibiotic it can cancel out the effectiveness. Actually I think that is how my MIL's friend's daughter did. Well I did discuss that with him but he doesnt want to have surgery "down there" again. He did have a tumor removed there back almost 8 months ago now. I cant really say I blame him for that, and after its done, it takes a while for it to be effective. I dont mind really. I would rather be the one to do it than to have this scare again. My mother couldnt tolerate the IUD but maybe they have improved it since then. I was just warned by my dr that those times of the month with the IUD can be extremely painful and my tolerance for pain has lowered. Besides I read up on the involvement of a tubal, and its not as bad as it sounds. It doesnt sound like a bad recovery either.


Miriam

[Galadriel]

I am SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT MIRIAM!!! You must be SO RELIEVED!!! YAAYYY!!!! I am so happy for you!! It must be so nice to not have that weight on you anymore!! I agree tubes tied or vastectomy is a good idea!! I think I Would like to get that done myself. I do not wish to have children, but Im not getting it done anytime soon tho!

[mbs730]

Thanks! Yeah itsa HUGE relief. It really is. I dont think they will tie your tubes even if you say you dont want kids and you have to be at a certain age too, I think. Thanks though!


Miriam

[crazybeautiful]

Hey miriam, glad u got hat bit sorted out. And no the pill is not effective and i dont reccommend it! I got pregnant twice on the pill!!


ANyway, hugs


Sarah xxx

Actually the pill is 99% effective IF used properly.

[NCsmile6]

MIRIAM!!!!


YAY!!!!! I'm really happy that it didn't turn out to be what you feared!!! **HUGS**


I know how relieved you must feel!!


I hope our chats helped anyway!! I was worried about ya' and thinking about ya' and of course praying for you!


Glad that you have that huge worry lifted off of you!!