uneasy

[jazz]

i really feel as though im through with living with this every day. i know thats so selfish of me especially with some of the experiences you have all had to cope with recently..but i feel as though im on a time bomb.. and it's only a matter of time before it happens.
i can't shake the knowledge that, when i am actually sick, i will not be able to cope..not only that, but ill remember the exact date, and i will panic about what time of DAY it happens, WHERE it happens.. ill never eat the food i ate that day etc..
i always wonder about what ill be doing on the day, and it terrifies me to think that i may never be comfortable doing those things again.
last time, i was 9 years old..and i dealt with it just as a non-emetophobic adult would..
it's struck me that, since iv actually managed to clasify myself as "emetophobic", i dread the actual event more..because i wont be able to distinguish anxiety from real tummy feelings. not only that, but ill always have the thought of " this can't happen, im too scared."
i also want to put on weight, but i query every single thing i eat.." this is too filling." "too rich" "too unhealthy" etc etc..everything i eat, i can't help feeling worried about it, for no apparent reason other than,maybe it's not something i have on a regular basis.
This is slowly worming its way into each day.
I dread having to throw up anywhere else but the toilet..but i still find it difficult walking into my bathroom as it is.
sorry to ramble on like this.. but im getting frustrated, NOT from reading others posts, because i think they're inspiring.
im so sorry to ramble on like this, as though im recovering from some massive bug, i just don't feel relaxed at all.

[babygap5]

I feel your pain Jazz. I share your fears with you. The way i've been trying to cope with emet is trying to figure out why its happened to me. And the conclusion i've come to is that God wouldn't have given it to me if I couldn't handle it. My experience w/ this horrible phobia must have a higher purpose, maybe i'm supposed to help others do their best to overcome it. Hang in there Jazz. We are all here for you.

[Jenneh]

u've just outlined exactly WHY emetophobes can get very very depressed and housebound.


like i did. and many many others on here have too.


its very hard to beat this alone, because its such a complex thing, but if ur lucky enough to have a therapist or nething lke that u need to share these thoughts with her. cause we understand you, but its important that ur therapist gets to understand how much pain ur in as much as possible.


Jen xxxx

[Melikasa]

Aww hun please know that you are not alone on this. There is good therapy out there and meds that work great, as well as a lot of breathing and mental techniques.
I am 25 and only found out 2 years ago that there was a name for my phobia AND that there were other people out there ( a lot) that know and understand. You are so young to be talking like that (though I said the same things) I couldn't explain to anyone what it was I hated (including my agoraphobia) and they thought I was a snob, that I didn't like them my own parents thought, because I didn't want to go out with them, I was embarraced to be with them and that maybe it was a mistake to have had me when they were so old.
I know it is hard now and won't tell you that it runs our lives and that it isn't hard but where there is a bottom there is a way to the top as well.
The key is to not give up. I have found that baby steps work just fine too. They may be slow but you are still getting there. Some of my baby steps were quite literally baby steps. I would go one step closer to the store when I went out.
I know how you feel about the food thing as well. i use to be the same way and I am just now getting over it. I use to refuse to cook meat (especially chickem) I always overcooked it. I hated to risk over indulging especially when I was away from home. Again it wasn't till recently that I actually ordered and ate a full meal at a restraunt. You know what I didn't feel sick and I lived.
I also hate not being near a toilet and I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather it be my own. I am so scared that it will happen when I am out and to get over that...the last time I felt a little queasy I went out for a walk to the store. THAT helped me a lot. I saw that I didn't get sick and I didn't let it get to me. Now this has taken a lot of time and practice for me but it can be done.
I still make sure I know where all the exits, garbage cans, even produce baggies are.


Anyways I am rambling, AS USUAL, keep your chin up hun and know you have support and we will keep on you to not let yourself fall too hard.

[jazz]

thank you so much it's lovely to have people who will always have something positive to say, and it's soo nice of you to reply to this garbage lol.i think half of my trouble with this phobia is, it takes away my independance. i can't go to bed without the reassurance that i haven't had that much.
babygap- have you found where this phobia came from?
I don't have a clue where mine came from.. my parents dont think it would help me if i knew..but i have an urge to find out why, and the origin.
i never used to be scared to see vomit, infact i used to be as intrigued as any other kid when someone was sick..then one day a boy was sick, and i found myself feeling completely alien towards it...i would notice this whenever anyone was sick from this point,and when my freind was sick infront of me during lunch one day, i found myself running away from her.
i wanna write all this down, so ill post my emet story on another topic..
it's probably worth a mention, that im far more phobic of myself vomiting rather than other people, although this hasnt always been the case.
i find it maddening, because i don't want to go through life, with the label"emetophobe"..there are so many things i want to do rather than become a victim to this phobia.
How long have you suffered from agoraphobia melikasa? that must be horrible having two biig fears.
my parents are also a LOT older than most. my mum is 50, my dad is 67, and i received so much s--t im school for that lol
it stresses me out to know that i pretty much beat this 2 years ago, and now iv almost stopped growing because of it.
thanks so much for your replies, they mean a lot to me..
love

[Melikasa]

Well when I told my mom about what I found she told me that that would explain whyI freaked out when I was 20 months old (almost 2 years old) I was sick at my nana's and she said I cried so hard and I was worried about the mess. I was soo worried and upset that it wasn't in a bucket or the toilet. From that point on anyone or myself getting sick just freaked me out. If I saw it on the ground or something I would immediatly feel sick.
I remember when i was 4 having to pee but was afraid to get up from the bathroom floor in case while I was on the toilet I would be sick then. I spent many nights, when I had mono, on the bathroom floor afraid that I was going to be sick.
When I was about 12 I started to get agoraphobia not TO TO bad by the time I was about 13 (closer to 14) it got REALLY bad. As soon as an unexpected event came up where I needed to go away from home I felt nauseated, sweaty, dizzy. I needed at least a day (a week being the best) to prepare myself mentally. Then I discovered Gravol and it became my security blanket. Then pepto and ginger ale. I couldn't go anywhere without them. I use to have dreams where I was FREAKING OUT because everywhere I went I couldn't find any anywhere before a trip.
Well it WAS horrible and yes I wanted to give up because I figured my life sucked but I am getting better now. I can go out at the drop of a hat. I still freak out a bit if I have to be the passenger in the car or if I am the passenger in someone elses car. I am ok in malls now as long as I know I can get to an exit and I still make sure to know where the bathrooms are.
As for emet, I within the last 10 months I have gotten better about seeing others getting sick or knowing they have been sick. The pannicks aren't bad, if I get them at all.
Don't let the others get to you about your parents. I think it is wonderful and those people will grow up and maybe act a little more mature soon enough.

[babygap5]

I think my emet originated from an incident in school when i got sick. When i was in the 4th grade, i remember getting sick at school and not being able to make it to the bathroom. I actually could have made it to the bathroom, but i panicked and ran past the bathrooms to get to the nurses office. Well, i didnt make it into the bathroom there and i got sick right outside the principals office. I remember feeling better once i got sick but embarrased because i created a huge mess on the floor.


Following that incident, i started to have episodes of extreme nausea for several years. I was tested for everything and when all the tests came back normal, i was sent to a shrink who basically thought i was making myself feel sick. I explained to the doctor that the sick feeling happened when i was on vacation w/ my parents and was having a great time, all of a sudden, i would feel sick. For no reason. After about 2 years of this, it went away. I was fine. I didnt feel sick again for several years. THen it started up again. So thats when i started carrying ziplock bags in my purse with me at all times, just in case. I then would locate all the garbage pails in the room as well as the nearest bathroom (just in case). Then, as mysteriously as it started, it disappeared.


I didn't start to have problems w/ my emet again until the last couple of years. I suffered from a bacterial intestinal infection that went untreated for 7 months. The doctors were testing me for every parasite they could when they finally found out what bacteria was causing my sickness. I was put on massive doses of antibiotics which messed up my liver and pancreas enzymes, which in turned, created nausea. It was the first time in years that i had been so sick to my stomach, and it was like I was that young girl again having to map out the pails and carry the ziplock bags w/ me. It's been almost 2 years since and my liver and pancrease are fine. However, the damage is done. I'm terrified of getting sick and if it wasn't socially unacceptable, i would be walking around w/ a mask on my face and gloves on my hands.


Hang in there Jazz. Things will get better. I can't believe that people actually have what i have. I just thought i was one of those weird people, i had no idea that everyone on this site has been through and is going through what i've suffered from all my life. I'm so greatful that i found this site and all of you. Together, we can beat this thing!! [img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[mbs730]

What I cant figure out is since the traumatic v incident happened to ME at the age of 4, why I am a lot less phobic of MYSELF being sick than I am of others. I am so phobic of others being sickthat I feel this anger and resentment towards them if I do...I know this sounds selfish but one of the reasons too I am so afraid of my husband ving if he has to go on radiation is because I am so scared that I am going to be so disgusted by him and I will never ever want to be intimate with him again After he did it that night my daughter was born, I hated him for it. I mean he did other awful things that WERE IN HIS control but more than made up for it after our son was born. But even after he made up for it, it still sticks to the back of my mind. I think about him v'ing everytime I am intimate with him now. I mean that doesnt make sense. Its not like anyone had ever been sick on me before. I dont know why I am so morbidly phobic of others being sick since nothing like that has ever happened. To be honest with everything going on right now, this should be the LAST thing to be concerned about. But emet is emet.


Miriam

[jazz]

i think i can remember where mine orginated from ( finally )
when i was 4 years old.. my mum dad and me went to spain. the couple in the appartment next door had doted on me, and bought me some really rich soft centred dark chocolate in the middle of a hotclimate. Thinking back, i am so angry at this couple for doing this..even though i *know* it was given with the best intentions..
however.. it was late morning, heat was unbearable..and being a dumb 4 year old i inssited on wolfing down this chocolate. Needless to say.. we sat at the back of the bus, and i brought it back up.
Even at 4 years old.. i remember seeing a girl with a ponytail sitting in front of us, and i remember thinking " i dont want her to see me be sick"
later we stopped at a cafe, i wanted a coke (hah!)i remembermy mum saying to the waitress " no she can have water she's just been sick " i remember this really bothering me, although i can't recall the rest of the day, or holiday

[harmonygirl72]

Wow! Reading that just brought back one of my own vomit experiences.....so interesting. I guess I will share it....I was pretty young (6 or 7 maybe?) and we were in the car on the way to this place where my parents used to go to play music. I remember sitting in the back seat feeling REALLY sick...I remember looking at all the controls in the front of the car and PRAYING not to get sick. Well, I got sick anyway.....we had to stop the car and clean me up but we still went to the place. I remember vividly begging my mom NOT to tell the people there that I had been sick! I kinda lay down in the corner there and if people asked if I felt sick, I was like...."YES! I am just tired!!". Now, why would a little kid care if people knew she was sick?? Hmmm...so interesting......

[jazz]

god, isn't that weird? i didn't want ANYONE to know that idbeen sick either, infact hearing the words really bothered me..
like i didn't want to accept it.
funnily enough,that was my only vomit episode,where it was a one-off, my others have been due to bugs, and i have been kept awake all through the night.