Hi all - this is completely off topic, and very selfish of me, but I could really use a friend today. This might be a bit long, and sound like I'm whining about nothing, but I feel bad (emotionally) and need some support ...
My OH was married 20 years ago to a woman who wasn't even faithful to him before the wedding - he found out about her affair after 6 months of marriage and she moved out. They got divorced a year after the wedding (the law in the UK says you can't get divorced until you have been married a year). I think he's only seen her a couple of times in the 20 years since then, in the supermarket, etc. He and I have been together for nine and a half years, but he does not want to marry me, so I have always felt 'second best' to the woman he obviously loved enough to make that commitment with, even if she didn't feel the same. I have lived with this for all this time, just happy to know that he does love me and my daughter, but that feeling of not being his first choice has always been there.
That awful inadequate feeling really hit me yesterday - his ex-wife died last week and he has decided to go to the funeral. I now feel that, not only did he love this woman more than he loves me, he still cares about her despite what she did to him, the intervening 20 years and the fact that we have been together for so long. I know this is just me being stupid - he does love me, LOADS, he just can't see the point of getting married. He reckons that, as we've both done it before (I'm divorced too), there's no point - it's just a piece of paper that will make no difference to how we feel. I know he's right, but I can't help feeling a little cheated, and now I feel selfish and mean because I resent him going to her funeral.
Do you all think I'm selfish? I will understand if you do - I FEEL selfish, but I just needed to talk about this - I can't talk to OH about it - I just cry!
Thank you all for listening, Jill xxx