Welcome to the International Emetophobia Society | The Web's Largest Meeting Place for People With Emetophobia.
Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    175

    Default



    Hi all - this is completely off topic, and very selfish of me, but I could really use a friend today. This might be a bit long, and sound like I'm whining about nothing, but I feel bad (emotionally) and need some support ...


    My OH was married 20 years ago to a woman who wasn't even faithful to him before the wedding - he found out about her affair after 6 months of marriage and she moved out. They got divorced a year after the wedding (the law in the UK says you can't get divorced until you have been married a year). I think he's only seen her a couple of times in the 20 years since then, in the supermarket, etc. He and I have been together for nine and a half years, but he does not want to marry me, so I have always felt 'second best' to the woman he obviously loved enough to make that commitment with, even if she didn't feel the same. I have lived with this for all this time, just happy to know that he does love me and my daughter, but that feeling of not being his first choice has always been there.


    That awful inadequate feeling really hit me yesterday - his ex-wife died last week and he has decided to go to the funeral. I now feel that, not only did he love this woman more than he loves me, he still cares about her despite what she did to him, the intervening 20 years and the fact that we have been together for so long. I know this is just me being stupid - he does love me, LOADS, he just can't see the point of getting married. He reckons that, as we've both done it before (I'm divorced too), there's no point - it's just a piece of paper that will make no difference to how we feel. I know he's right, but I can't help feeling a little cheated, and now I feel selfish and mean because I resent him going to her funeral.


    Do you all think I'm selfish? I will understand if you do - I FEEL selfish, but I just needed to talk about this - I can't talk to OH about it - I just cry!


    Thank you all for listening, Jill xxx

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    741

    Default



    Wow Jill,


    Well, firstly i dnt think you are being selfish really. You are having a natural reaction! If i was in your position i would feel very bad, but i guess she obviously meant a lot to him for him to be with her in the first place so maybe he feels he should go to her funeral? Its vey hard, but maybe you should try talking to him? He will probably put ur mind at rest. If you really want to get married then talk to him, tell him how important it is to you, and if its just a piece of paper whats the harm in doin it? Maybe he never got over the fact that his ex cheated on him and still got married. I can understand why he feels that way about marriage. Just reassure him that you hav been together for such a long time and marriage for you would be really special. Chin up,


    Sarah xxx
    I couldn\'t tell you why she felt that way... she felt it everyday and i couldn\'t help her... i just watched her make the same mistakes again...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    175

    Default

    Thank you Sarah - I'm actually feeling a little more positive at the moment (maybe because I'm at work and my mind is busy with other things). You are right though - I should talk to him. Maybe now the funeral is out of the way, I can be a little more rational and talk to him without bawling! Thank you again for your support.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    United Kingdom
    Posts
    741

    Default



    You are very welcome, i know its hard, but good luck )


    Sarah xxx
    I couldn\'t tell you why she felt that way... she felt it everyday and i couldn\'t help her... i just watched her make the same mistakes again...

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,312

    Default



    I hope it all works out for you hun. You are totally not being selfish and I am sure I would feel the same way as you do. I think it is a natural reaction on both your parts. It sounds like she WAS his first "love" and with things being the way they were and him being the one that was hurt, he still had some feelings there.
    Talking to him though would be the best way to help ease your mind. Marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It is a commitment and can be a real expression of each others love and devotion.
    Good girl on keeping yourself busy. That IS a good thing to do.
    Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you\'ve never been hurt and live like it\'s heaven on Earth.

 

 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •