Theres me & Then there is me- the Emet

[LaurieV]

Hello everyone. I wanted to introduce myself and tell you how happy I am to have joined this site. My story is a little piece of every story here. I cannot tell why i am the way I am, but I can tell you who this fear is making me become.
I live every day wondering "Is this the day that I will be sick?" I have two children one 17 and one 3.5 years old. I also spend each day wondering if they are going to be sick as well. I have a list of "safe foods" and I find the fall/winter months my most difficult time of the year. Emetophobia does not seem to have such a strong hold on me during the spring and summer.
I passed up medical school because emetephobia planted itself within me and won.
I cry when my children are sick because I WANT to be the caretaker- and in my world, that is not a possibility. It breaks my heart when my son Ben is sick and cries for mommy and daddy has to be the one to care for him because mommy is frozen still, heart pounding, sweating, wishing that that moment was not real. I want to be the parent that stays home and nurses my children back to health, but that is never the case.
I have conquered a few trying situations here and there. I manage a medical practice that typically involves "sick" people daily this time of year, and I've managed to face many of these patients daily (though thankfully they have never v* in my presence). When I encounter a sv in my home or office I often go into "starvation" mode. I am sure every one of you knows exactly what this means. Days and days of hurting because you are hungry but no you can not eat b/c you may end up with the sv, excessive hand washing, carefully disinfecting every inch of space possible (Clorox wipes- I heart you, lol), being on "high alert" for signs and symptoms for not only myself but those around me- a sixth sense almost all emetophobes have I suppose, we sure have a keen sense for people being sick. You cannot tell me you are sick and NOT tell me "What kind of sick"- I have to know this, if I don't know panic ensues.

My biggest struggle as of late is the fear of being alone with my son. I am so fearful that he may come down with something when I am alone. I drive him to daycare every morning and every morning I panic. Always the what if's.....always. I am fearful of waking him up in the morning due to a morning episode of him v* many months ago. I am scared to be home alone with him for fear that he might v* and I will not be able to help him. I am fearful of taking him out to eat and having him not feel well. This fear is completely dibilitating. I feel as though my children have a head case for a mom. I often wonder what it would be like to be able to live free of this- Sooo many possibilities that I can't even lay them out here for you.

I relate to pieces of each of your stories, I feel the fear that overcomes you when you are exposed to a sv, I undertand the fear of taking medication for fear you might v*, I feel the panic you feel of the unknown and what if's. I would never wish this nightmare on anyone, but I am thankful to know that I am not alone.

I pray every night for a cure, to no avail. But I have to believe that somewhere out there, there is someone who has the ability to unlock the fear and set it free, for each of us. I long to take a deep breath and exhale, to say "I don't care that you are sick, I will stay right beside you".

I recognize just how unreasonable my fear is, I know how insane I behave when my fear is heightened, but still I succumb to it time and time again. It's a power struggle everyday. I was misdiagnosed many years ago with any eating disorder and I knew just how ridiculous this was. I kept telling the therapist- "I am not ashamed of what I weigh, I am ashamed of my fear"- she had no idea, she was clueless...not her fault I suppose, emetophobia was and possibly still is a fear that most people know nothing about, if they even know that it exists. But here you all are, feeling what I feel...... How can it be that no one has a cure??

I am happy to finally be in a "safe place" and looking forward to making some new friends that can relate to what I go through.

[irish_grrl76]

Welcome to the board. This can be a really helpful place. I don't post all that often but I am here everyday reading the posts from everyone and it really helps me get through the tough times. This is the one place in the world where I actually feel normal
~Alexis

[LaurieV]

Thank you so much!

[olschesky]

i'm new here also......your story does sound like my life....but just the few days ive been here reading posts have brought a calmness to me.......i'm soooo thankful

[stella9]

Welcome to the site. We know EXACTLY how you feel. The night times are the hardest because we know that children awake in the middle of the night sick. SV's seems to rear their ugly heads at night time. The thought of being caught off-guard is difficult for us to bear because we want some lead time. This is time to build our anxiety up to help us cope.

Last weekend my 26 year old neice was up all night with her 3 year old who v** like 30 times, at least evey 20 minutes all night and into the morning. My neice handled it like it was nothing. She is not a good hand washer and told me how every towel and sheet was soiled. Neither she or her six year old son got sick. Go figure. The part that made me mad is that she took her 3 year old out to dinner the evening of the morning that she was still v**. My neice was like, if she v** in the car, so what.

All in all, we know how you feel. It is horrible especially at this time of year. February is a horrible month where I live (Baltimore, Maryland). Some time this week, we will start hearing of it. By next week it will begin to rise and the following week it will really be ripping through the schools. By the end of February, it begins to level off. By mid-March it is usually gone, to rear its head again for two weeks in April. It comes like this every year with regularity just as the sun comes up every day.

The good thing is that you came here now and a wonderful suport system.

Stella

[LaurieV]

Hi Stella!

You are sooo right about the night time! I have been with my husband 10 years and I have JUST opened up to him about my fears. I would usually find an excuse to "run to the store for gatorade, or medicine" if the kids were sick. The truth was I was in "fright or flight" mode! He took it very well and is very supportive of my phobia...but... He knows he can never truly understand how I feel, that why finding this site was so exciting to me, because even if I know my fear is irrational....you all understand what i feel, and don't think I am just being ridiculous. It is such a comfort to me.
I picked my son up at daycare (homecare) on Friday only to discover that her son came home early with a "tummy ache"- instant panic ensued! I drove home in a panicked state b/c I knew my son had been playing with her son! To that both of my nieces that are in the same class as her son came home with tummy aches as well! Ugh! You can imagine where my panic level is this weekend?! But I am getting though it, my son seems ok so far (Thank you Lord!). By the way- I read an article last year that said Grape Juice- good old fashioned grape juice (purple), should be consumed once exposed to the sv. It won't help to "make it go away" but supposedly it will help to "ward it off" if you have no symptoms. Now you can imagine just HOW MUCH grape juice I have in my home??? hahaha! Well, so far it seems to have helped, luck or the grape juice- who cares, so far so good! Anyway- Stella, I sure am happy to "meet" you and am looking forward to not only being supported, but helping to support all of you!

[LaurieV]

[i'm new here also......your story does sound like my life....but just the few days ive been here reading posts have brought a calmness to me.......i'm soooo thankful ]

I know doesn't it? Geesh it seems like you can never get away from yourself when you keep reading your storey over and over- all the names are changed, faces different, but lives- VERY parallel! I know it's hard to keep reading about yourself over and over, but to finally have such an overwhelming sense of peace... Gosh it's amazing!!! I am sooo looking forward to developing friendships here with people that totally understand me!

[silversun]

I'm relatively new around here too. I would love to see a chart showing the peak activity on this site -- I have to think late January/early February it goes crazy! Ugh, I hate this time of year.

I think that one of the hardest parts about this time of year is the way that everyone *loves* to talk about s*v*. What is that about? It's been going around both of my son's schools, but I had convinced myself it was petering out and I had begun to take myself off my starvation diet, only to be greeted by a whole conversation about all the affected kids when I dropped him off today. Cue panic.

I was saying to my husband that it's like someone with a fear of flying having multiple people tell them about plane crashes every time they're on the way to the airport. It makes me want to crawl into a hole, stick my fingers in my ears, and stay there until the spring thaw. There are a lot of posts from younger people on this board who are afraid to grow up, because of having children who will be s*, because of living with other people. As much as I adore my husband and child, I will confess to sometimes fantasizing about living a completely solitary life, with the ability to escape everyone and everything whenever I want to. I hate that I do that because it feels disloyal to them, but I do. It's why I plan a weekend away, by myself, at the end of every winter. A few days of solitude, with no one to think about but me (and no one else's germs to think about!).

It does help to know that other people are feeling what I'm feeling. It makes me wonder, though, whether I have any friends who are doing the same thing. I don't share my phobia with my friends because I'm ashamed and because I feel like it gives me less control over information flow. But I'm so thankful to be able to come here and feel less alone when I need to. So thank you for sharing your story with all of us.

Off to buy grape juice!

(Kidding.)

(Sort of.)

-Karen

[LaurieV]

Karen,

I sure wish we were neighbors! We are SO much a like!!! You are are right, I am surrounded by sick people everyday and they are so open about being sick that I want to shrink away- but yet- as the Office Manager I have no choice but to put on a front and pretend that I am strong like the rest of them when inside I am going over my "safe food" list, getting ready for "starvation". (and I would certainly tell you whatever you needed to know about).There are times that I come home from work and I have to feel out my son before I can eat dinner. If he is cranky or pale looking, I pass up dinner because I am not really sure if he is ill. A great compliment to my emetophobia is insomnia. I wake at every sound my son makes, I wake if someone gets up at an unusual hour to use the bathroom, any "odd" noise wakes me- if I even sleep at all.

I recently started telling my husband and friends about my phobia. My best friend is a doctor and that was the most difficult person to tell! I felt soo embarassed, but to my surprise- she took it well and has been so supportive. She has a funny way of making me want to stare my phobia in the face and I don't even realize it until I step back and think "holy crap- I feel so brave". I am at a point where I feel like it is time to stop allowing this thing to control every little aspect of my life. It's robbed me physically and emotionally of a life. I feel exhausted over obsessing every moment of everyday. I so want to live my life free of the havoc "it" creates. I avoid so many things, and when I feel brave enough to venture out to things, it creeps up and begins to make me feel like withdrawing from life. I will admit there have been times I thought about ending my life because I have been in so much pain from the hunger, so exhausted from the insomnia, and so tired of feeling like I am crazy. But then I think about my beautiful children and then I get angry that this phobia would win and I refuse to let that happen, my kids are my entire world and I won't allow this phobia to rob my of the right to see them grow.

You know it's funny, If my husband and I were to divorce or seperate, I would have to let him take the kids (only to live with him, as taking them away literally would be like taking away my oxygen). I say this because I don't know what I would do if they were v*, and I was all alone. Grrr...this nasty phobia!! Please, let's keep eachother posted, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel!

Laurie

[LaurieV]

By the way- try the grape juice, what have you got to lose? (Knock on wood here) but so far we have been in good shape and the sv* is pretty rampant here! I've been buying Welch's.

[silversun]

Laurie, yes, the insomnia is terrible. I wake at the slightest little cough. Unfortunately my son is five, so if I go in there to check on him, he'll keep me in there with inane requests long enough that then I'm fully awake. I've gotten to the point that having guests completely stresses me out. Unfortunately during a visit a couple of years ago, both of my in-laws came down with a s*v*, and it's scarred me for life! My elderly parents are back and forth to the bathroom all night long (or so it seems), so when they're here I don't sleep a wink, just waiting for it to be more than a simple pee...

Good for you for staring it all in the face and not letting it win. I've come to feel very lucky that my fear hasn't affected my life more than it has. As severe and restricting as it feels, I know I still have power over it and can do what I want (even when it's terrifying or uncomfortable). I'm determined that my son will not suffer for it, so I force myself to take him places that I don't necessarily want to. It's not easy! Children's museums? *shudder*

I may pick up that grape juice after all. Hopefully it will work!

-Karen

[cluci]

Wow, I can not even tell you how amazing it is to read people's stories....so much of so many of them I could've written word-for-word. Hugs to you all....

[Jill in Apartment 413]

LaurieV- Did you know emetophobia IS an eating disorder? Any kind of mentality that alters the way you consume food IS an eating disorder. I am not just talking out of my butt here either. I had a psychiatrist a few years ago who was a leading doctor in ED's here where I live. One day I told him I was emetophobic and he told me that it's considered an eating disorder. It's not what you think of when you think of an ED but it is one. At least that's what I was told. ;-)

[LaurieV]

You know- your right! I never really thought about it. I guess I got frustrated when the therapist was linking my issue to how I felt about my body. I guess since so few really treat it, maybe she just didn't know what the heck to think. Anorexia was largely the word used to describe me (by her). So at that point I threw my hands in the air and thought "this circle therapy is just not for me". I could not identify with anyone in this group, and certainly did NOT have the same desire to "binge and p**ge" to control my life stressors- emetophobia IS my stressor! I really felt no sameness with the females & one male that felt they looked fat when they looked in mirror (now don't get me wrong- I may have a JLo booty x 2!) haha, however, my pants size are in the single digits, so I felt no need to try to be skinn(ier). Anyway- you are so right when you say this because when I am around someone who is/ feels ill I immediately go to my "safe foods" list IF i eat at all. Please forgive any typos here- I have a Cotton Candy "accident" this weekend and ended up with a broken finger tip! LOL