figuring emet insanity out...

[troy-anna]

hey all,
i really really want to get over this. it takes up 100 per cent of my day - in many of the ways only you who also suffer from emet know. i am thankful you're around...

so, what exactly is the FEAR behind the fear - there has to be more to it (for me, i think... ) than just being super afraid and paranoid about *v in every situation i am in. sometimes i think it's the fear of losing control b/c *v can be unpredictable and i find people in general very unpredictable and it scares the crap outta me because i need order and constancy to ... be. or is it the fear of being judged and noticed and stared at?

*pulls hair out*
this insane fear makes me want to disappear. it's that unliveable.
i'm glad you're out there,
troy-anna

[halliedk]

For me there are a couple of underlying things : the main one being the lack of self-worth which makes me believe that I'm only worth something when I'm being loved (most obviously by a partner). This has lead me to staying in some relationships that I shouldn't have stayed in - and when I force myself to do things that aren't completely true to my emotions, my emet gets worse.

I don't think that there are any underlying fears in it for me - the emet is merely a symptom and not in any way logically related to the real underlying issue - I used to think that as well (because my therapist used to ask me these kinds of questions), but I ended up more frustrated because none of it seemed to fit and I thought that I had to figure that out to be able to heal my emet... I know now that that's not the case - my emet has gotten so much better without knowing any related or underlying fears - but knowing that I have to be completely true to my emotions at all times has done wonders for my emet

[troy-anna]

thank you.
so much.

[silversun]

troy-anna, I agree that it would be wonderful to figure all of this out. I spend so much time obsessing about why I'm obsessing... My fear is all around the anticipation and worry; I actually don't fear v* itself. I fear the possibility of a s*v* or of other people v*ing near me (which could lead to a s*v*). But once I'm s* myself, I'm not afraid.

I think I can trace my emet to when I was about 11 years old. I was at sleepaway camp and on a day trip to an amusement park. The girl sitting across from me got car s*, and v*ed on me. That was gross, certainly, but for me the bigger issue was that I really, really did not want to be at camp. My parents wanted me to go and sent me off, but I was homesick from day one. I think there's probably a connection there -- abandonment, maybe?

At the same time, I know there's an element that has to do with loss of control. My husband thinks that the fear of v* is just symbolic of a fear of people unleashing their emotions. I came from a very "happy" family where we always pretended everything was just fine. Emotional expression was rare and when it happened, it was often negative (my dad had a temper). So, there's fear around that type of expression. So, in my husband's theory, emotions directed at me = v*. I think there's something to that theory because it's true that I deeply fear knowing that people are upset or angry with me, etc.

I would bet money that my fears are rooted in both of these things. One of these days I'll work up the courage to go back to therapy and confront it all. I just hate the process of finding the right fit with a therapist. Looking back at what I just typed, it looks like I'd better get on that, though!

[troy-anna]

i think a lot of it for me is that i was so disconnected from my body for so long (ptsd) and got really sick with anorexia ( a battle i'm still struggling to win). after my 4th hospital in patient treatment program (6 months + for each admission) i have finally found a way to manage. anorexia made me disconnected and now that i'm eating and staying healthy (whatever that means) i'm 100 pecernt too connected to my body... there's a long history there.
i just need to know how to name the fear so that i can deal with it daily when it arises... naming things, for me, gives them far less power. but this is really really powerful.
i'm happy to hear your words - happy to receive them.
t

[DJEskimo]

I successfully got rid of emet for several years (I'm having a small relapse at the moment, but it's not nearly as bad as it was before).

The key for me is just forcing myself to get out and go do things. Ignore the voice in my head telling me that I feel s* or that I might get s*.

Just know that it can be treated. The fact that I got over it before makes me know that I can get over it now.

Find a hobby, think about other things, talk to someone about how you feel... The more you think about emet or being s*, the worse you will feel.

[troy-anna]

*breathes*
that's the hard part - trying to get my mind on other things. obsessing in circles...
i try as much as possible to put myself in situations that make me get all paniky to see if i can stand them out until the anxiety subsides. i try so hard... *cries* ...
i'm also trying to stay at work through the panic to see if it goes away...
trying trying trying....
thank you all for responding... it's amazing to have support.