My first post... sorry it's so long!

[blueberry]

Hello! This is my first post. I'm a 27-year-old female who has been afraid of v* for about 20 years now.

I finally decided to join after I had a dream last night that I was holding a baby who was v*. I was sitting in some kind of auditorium with a bunch of other people, and I didn't want others to find out about my fear, so I had to keep holding the baby while it v* all over me. Everyone around me was turning around and looking at the baby in horror while it v*. I was trapped and absolutely terrified. Afterward, I felt disgusted but also a bit proud of myself that I had gotten through it all while maintaining my composure. The dream was disturbing, but at the same time, it made me realize that I need to get over this fear somehow before I have children in a few years.

I used to have all kinds of strange fears when I was a kid... fear of blowing my noise, fear of "the runs", fear of v*... basically anything you had to do with your body that wasn't "normal." But only the fear of v* has stuck around.

I hadn't always been afraid of v*. I remember watching my mom do it when she was pregnant with my little brother and not being afraid at all. After a bout of the stomach flu when I was 7 though, when I was lying awake all night feeling nauseous but being afraid to v* (and feeling frightened/guilty/out-of-control when I finally did), I've been afraid of everything related to v*... myself doing it, others doing it, the smell/sound/sight of it, etc.

I'm perfectly fine until I suspect that I or someone else may do it soon, and then I feel as if the blood drains from my head, as if someone has dumped a bucket of cold water on me, and I start shaking and just feeling like I NEED to get out of this situation somehow. Somehow I'm a bit more okay with it if it's me that needs to v* because I feel like I can prevent it somehow... I'm more afraid of others v* because it looks so out-of-control. The person just totally loses their composure and becomes unpredictable and explosive and makes all sorts of scary noises and does stuff with their body that seems totally NOT normal or healthy. I know it's irrational to be afraid of something that is actually a pretty routine occurrence for a lot of people, but that doesn't help me feel any better.

I have v* only 3 times since I was 7 years old, all of them due to alcohol, and it has helped me feel a tiny bit better about myself v* in that it's made me realize it's not as painful or scary or drawn-out as it might seem initially. It was over with really quickly, and I really did feel so much better afterward. But it hasn't helped me with my fear of seeing others do it.

Sigh... I guess I'll just poke around this site a bit more and see if I can find anything that helps me. Free treatments especially would be great, since I have limited health coverage and can't afford to see a therapist regularly!

Thanks for reading!

[x...RaChE...x]

Welcome then!

[olschesky]

welcome.....hope you find some comfort in here....i know i have felt a whole lot better since starting reading and writing in here 3 months ago........it's nice to know that people who totally understand you when you need them....

[blueberry]

Thanks everyone! I'm already starting to feel quite a bit less scared of v* after joining this forum and reading the posts. Thinking about it isn't as alarming as it used to be. I guess it's because I'm realizing that 1) I'm not alone in feeling this way, and 2) v* is a normal bodily function, just like anything else we do, and the fact that most people AREN'T scared of it makes me feel that maybe I shouldn't be so scared either. So... I know I'm still a long way from total recovery, but at least I'm feeling a little better these days!