My story.. and debate with myself.. :P

[Toddy411]

Hello (:
I'm new on here and I've found it so reassuring to see that people can be helped and consider themselves cured. I want to be one of those people. I hate living life day on day out with a constant fear stuck to me like a shadow. I would consider my quality of life to be pretty rubbish, especially in the winter months. All it takes is a mention of a stomach bug to catapult me into a panic. But I've realised that is purely what it knuckles down to.
When I was 11 I had a stomach bug and for some reason, since then my attitude to being ill has never been the same. I developed habits that I wasn't even aware of.
Because of the anxiety I also suffer from trichotillomania (where you pull your hair out). It's not so bad now, but thats only because I could see what I was doing to myself. My father noticed a bald patch on the top of my head, and when he asked me what it was I broke down in tears. My family have never really understood my phobia but they are aware of it. Lucky me, my mother likes to brag about it to people, which I've got to admit is even more pride deminishing.
After I realised the damage I've been able to learn to control that habit, but even now I have really short patches of hair. A few years on from that I suffered pretty bad depression. A lot of things happened at once and it was mainly down to other reasons, but I began to self harm. This lasted only a couple of months as I was able to confide in a friend about it.
I find I have, in my eyes, strange habits, which people have started to notice. Things such as not eating the piece of food I've touched and attempting to avoid touching food altogether. I dislike eating out and I can be fussy with my food.
This has got to have been the worst winter of my life so far, where every single decision I've made has revolved around the phobia. I hate that I won't let myself go out with friends during winter. It's like I can't be happy. The number of times I have broken own in tears to my boyfriend ecause there has been a mention of an outbreak. but why? WHY can't I get past this? WHY does it affect me so much?
I do not fear illness such as morning sickness, it's just stomach bugs and viruses that get my heart racing and my head spinning.
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to think whether it's a control thing. I like to be in control, a rigid structure and plans, and I worry that something I've planned may get interrupted or ruined.
I hope, for the sake of every one on this website, that help and comfort can wind its way into each persons path as I would never wish for any one to feel as though they cannot go on. I have faith this fear can be beaten, but every one's got to have a drive to succeed.
I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time, I'm not even sure why I wrote this out. I would love to hear any responses.
Toddy411

[lizzim]

Hi -
I know exactly how you feel, especially when you say its like a shadow! I go to sleep fearing i'll wake up not feeling well and i wake up worrying about how i feel everyday i feel ill, its nerves. I dont eat enough to feed my nerves hence why i feel poorly.
Im not too sure where this stems from but ive had it all my life and it used to get worse when i had something big coming up, like my GCSE's. My wedding in 2009 kicked started it again and it has spiralled out of control. Like you, i wont make any plans, i cant commit to anything with my friends and family which makes me feel angry and upset.
I hope you get better and id love to hear from you again - let me know how you get on xxxx

[Tersh]

It's definiteily, definitely a control thing. My emet sparks u when I start to feel out of control in other areas of my life. And I tend to be a control freak and in some respects, you can't really control vomiting. You can't control others, anyways. Sometimes, we can control ourselves getting sick, but not always. I've been to counselling for this and I've been told it always boils down to control. It's the same reason I hate flying. No control.

[olschesky]

welcome to the forum. you really have been through alot......but most of it you've been able to overcome....so i believe you can beat this stupid emet.

this site has given me tons of help the past 4 months.......i'm alot less anxious.....learning that a sv is really not all that easy to catch.....i always thought it was airborne all these years and avoided everything like the plague......

i really am impressed by your post and the way that you have dealt with your issues........you sound like a truly smart person trying to figure this strangeness out.......

look forward to reading more