I just joined this forum today. I guess I basically discovered that I have emetophobia today. And now everything finally makes sense.

A little backstory: 22 years old, had psychotic depression at the age of 13 and struggled with that for about 5 years. Got better, through a period of hospitalization, years of therapy and medication. A few years after that, I started getting symptoms of anxiety. At first I had this constant feeling that I couldn't breathe properly. I felt like I was always gasping for air. The fear was especially bad in public, although I wasn't sure why. I was tested for asthma and all sorts of lung conditions, but was perfectly fine physically. For some reason, at some point I got over my breathing difficulties but started being afraid of v* (am I supposed to censor that word myself or is it some automatic thing?). Each time I got anxious I also got nauseous, and then worried that I would v*. I've only ever v* like 20 times in my life, so this wasn't really a rational worry at all.

Eventually I went to the doctor, but for some reason I didn't even really mention the whole fear of v* thing. I just said that I was anxious all the time, which was basically the truth. Honestly at that point I thought it was just General Anxiety Disorder or something, and that the fear was just some kind of side effect. So I got put on anxiety medication (Zoloft). Ironically enough, the medication made me feel really ill for about a week at first, but I was determined to get through it and I did. The medication did seem to help, and eventually I stopped taking it.

I've now been off the medication for about 6 months, and I'm back to being afraid. I think it's actually a lot worse now. I pretty much get this episode of feeling ill and dizzy every day, and each day I think it must be some kind of food poisoning or bug. I am now totally paranoid about going anywhere, because I'm afraid I'll get sick somewhere else and wont be able to get home quickly enough. I have difficulty eating anything I haven't made myself. I also wash my hands way too many times a day. Every time my stomach rumbles I start getting panicky. I live in an area with a lot of bars, so unpleasant surprises on the sidewalk are frequent.

I'm a student at university, so drinking is a fairly frequent thing. I'm ok with drinking myself, as I know how much I can have without feeling ill or having too bad of a hangover the next day. However, when I'm at a bar I'm terrified of someone else getting sick.

Somehow for me I think the fear has more to do with the worry of losing control. For example, I don't really mind if I'm in the toilets of a bar and someone in there is v*. I feel somehow OK about it because I know that they made it to the bathroom (and because I know it's nothing contagious, of course). It's when people just do it somewhere publicly, that's what terrifies me. It terrifies me because I think that might happen to me. What if it just happened all of a sudden, while I was just minding my own business? I think I would die of humiliation. I mean, I am afraid of the physical sensation of it as well, but the concept of having it happen in public is what really gets to me.

I'm sorry for the long post. I'm not even sure if this is the right kind of thing to put here.