self-destructive life

[nicki]

I am feeling so down at the moment. my emet seems to be taking over my life at the moment. Things aren't great between me and my boyfriend. 18 months ago i stayed at his as i usually did, but (may be graphic)that night he got sick and didnt make it to the bathroom and i could hear him. i heard it hit the floor and as soon as i did i felt my stomach turn as if i too was going to beill. I felt really guilty because i couldnt look after him and feel really bad that if he got sick in the future i wouldbe helpless. Since that night i have not been able to sleep in the same bed as him for fear thathe will be ill again.


We never go out because whenever i have something planned with just one other person, i get so worked up that i will get a bug and have to cancel that i end up worrying myself ill and having to cancel, so far this year my boyfriend and i were unable to celebrate either of our birthdays,valentines day orour anniversary, because i was too scared i wouldget sick. Im ok if its something planned with a group because i know that if idont go, the others would still be able to enjoy themselves and wouldnt miss out, and usually on these occasions i dont end up feeling sick. Tonight is the first time me and my bf have beenout alone in abouta year, it was onlyto the pub to watch the football but i sat there the whole time feeling sick because i knew that if i was ill he would have to come home with me and would miss thegame.


its our last week at uninow before xmas and all my friends have gone clubbing after the football, but i couldnt go because last time i went to that place someone was sick and im too scared the same will happen again. I have ocd as well and wont let anyone else (except my mum or dad) prepare food for me, which means nomeals in restaurants (except forsome strange reason im ok with the places like McDs, KFC and pizza hut which is bizarre as they are prob bad for hygiene) and no romantic meals in unless ive cookedit.This also meansno holidays abroad because of havingto eat.At easter i gotsick and was ill at 3 in the morning, so now i wont go to bed until after 3, just in case.


I have applied to do a teacher training course next year when i finish my degree but im so scared becauseof all the bugs that will be flying around, i would love to do primarybut my phobia has stopped mebecause of it being little kids andi think it goes round less at secondary schools so i have applied for that.


I have had about as much as i can take at the moment. Im not sleeping, and so cannot concentrate on my uni work. Im not eating properly because i have a 'need' tofeel hungry, if i feel hungry iknow i dont have a bug, i know that sounds silly. Ive lost so much weight, I am nearly 5'7" which i think is about 170cm and i weigh less than 8 stone (less than 50kg) which is really unhealthy. Im always getting coldsand now have mumps which im convinced is because im not looking after myself.


Im sorry this is such a long post but i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel and im getting depressed over it. I tried counselling but it didnt help. I am only 20 and the thought of this for the rest of my life scares the hell out of me.


Thanks for listening

[clairethebear]

I so know how you feel and can totally relate to all that you are saying. This is an awful thing that we have to live with and it affects our lives so much and in such different ways. Like you I am scared to go out anywhere but I do have to force myself because I know that becoming a recluse is not the answer but believe me I have had a gutful on many occasions to the point where I feel like being just that. I understand about it being hard to stay in the same bed as your bf. Believe me I would be exactly the same if that had happened to me and in fact my bf was ill once when we were on holiday and in fact I have not really wanted to go on holiday ever since. We live together and I fear every day that one day he will get ill from some bug or another and I will catch it. I too have had loads of counselling but like you it just doesn't seem to help. I know it's hard but don't beat yourself up about this. You can't and don't want to go to a nightclub. So what. I couldn't and wouldn't either purely for the same reason. Nightclubs smack of drunks and people v'ing all over the place and I prefer to avoid that kind of situation at all costs. There is nothing wrong with avoiding something that you know may potentially expose you to what you so dislike. There is just no point in putting yourself through that. It may not happen but we feel we can't take the risk and that is okay. I often beat myself up about stuff that I can't do but I often find it is better to avoid stuff cause I only get myself so worked up about it and nervous that I end up feeling ill myself.


I am also quite fussy around food. I won't even eat in a fast food place such as McD's or KFC so I wreckon you are pretty brave in that respect. I also prefer to cook my own food. I do go out for meals occasionally but am always worried to death that something might not be cooked properly or might be off. I can't even let my own bf cook me anything that could potentially cause food poisoning such as meat.


We all know too well how you feel about this awful phobia. Some of us are getting better, some of us are stable, and others like me are getting worse day by day. My phobia has escalated in the last 6 months and I am on a waiting list for help because I cannot live my life like this anymore. The only way to describe my own life is that if I had a life without v I would be 100% happy and free to live myself and do as I please without any worries or panic.


Guess I am just rambling now but I just want you to know that you are not alone and we are all here to help you.


Take care of yourself. One day things are going to be better for all of us. They have to be.


Claire xxx

[holly18]

hi


i know how you feel becaus ei am going through it too. i have had emet my whole life, but the last few years i havent been so bad. btw i work at pizza hut, and trust me, we have really high hygene standards. The only thing you have to worry about there is kids. whos idea was it to have all you can eat ice cream at pizza hut? we get alot of people get sick. it has happened a number of times since i have been there. when it happens i just hover the other end of the restaurant for a while till some1 else cleans up. do people have no self control if they will eat til they are sick? i dont get too panicky about me catching anything, i just tell myself that people have been sick because they ate too much ice cream, not becaus e they have a bug.


anyway, i am really depressed at the moment.i was diagnosed with ibs a few weeks ago and i am back to my old self. i started having panic attacks again and im scared to leave my house. i have no freinds except my boyfreind and i am ashamed of my problem to tell him. he knows i have emet,he just doesnt realise how bad it actually is (Like everyone who isnt emet!) i am missing college and think im about to get sacked from work because i call in sick all the time. i have no one to talk to and nothing to do. i dont have any hobbies and i dont go anywhere cept for college and work. i feel really lonely and miserable. i dont sleep at night because all i can think about is that *it* will happen one day.


i really want togo to university to study biomedical science but im scared my phobia will stop this and i dont know how i will ever live alone. i saw my doctor tonight and he has refered me to another psychologist but i dont think it will help. i have studied psychology so know all the therapies and can see straight through them. the last psychologist mentioned flooding so of course i never went back!


i have just been given antidepressents, i hope they make me feel better.


i just want to you know your not alone, i feel the same way, im sure alot of us do.


Holly,


PS, would you let another emet prepare food for you :P i think we should all become chefs then rule out food poisoning all together :P

[helsbels]

I don't know if this will help you at all, but when I was in my late teens / early twenties, my emet kind of reached a peak really. Me and all my friends were reaching independence, starting to go out for drinks and for meals and I was starting to have serious relationships with blokes. At the same time, I was studying hard, trying to earn a bit of money on the side, trying to figure out what I wanted from life. It's a really stressful time, believe me, and I had a lot of similar experiences to the ones you are describing here, and I can really empathise with all three of you.


What I wanted to say was, in my experience, things got better for me as I started to progress through my twenties. I moved away from home, got a new job, started to earn money, I even bought a small flat and the independence really changed me. I found that living alone really helped because I was finally in control of my activities and I could choose to avoid things if I wanted to, I could see who I wanted to and I could come and go as I pleased. I found that new independence really settling.


As I've progressed through my twenties (I'm now nearly 30!) things have got considerably easier, I've found that I've got so many other things going on in my life that I don't worry about the emet half as much as I used to, although I do have bouts from time to time when it affects me again. I think (for women anyway) the twenties are a time when you really start to find yourself, and you shouldn't worry about not seeing friends, or having hobbies, because those things will most likely change in your twenties anyway as you get new jobs and possibly move to new places. Ihave noticed that a lot of people who post on these forums are in their teens or early twenties and I think one of the reasons may be because it's a very stressful time of life and the added stress is aggravating the emet so they need to vent more.


I'm not saying it goes away, but your ability to control it and live with it improves as you get older, so please don't worry about having to live like this for the rest of your life - I want to try and reassure you that I don't think that will happen.


For me personally, I am now worrying about a new thing... I want to start a family and that brings with it a whole new set of anxieties for the emet. So much so that I have seen a doctor and I'm waiting for a referral for some therapy so hopefully make things easier, that's something I would have been far too terrified to do in my early twenties. I am worried about this but emets who are in their 40s have told me that their life experiences have helped them to deal with parenthood. It's all about dealing with things as they happen and using your experience to help you move on to the next challenge, but don't put pressure on yourselves to run before you can walk.


You'll be fine, just keep patting yourselves on the back as you get over yet another hurdle and use what you learn to move forwards... onwards and upwards!


Take care, Helenxx

[babygap5]

I've been there. I've been suffering w/ emet for almost 20 years. I have good days and bad days. I also live w/ my boyfriend, and i'm terrified that he is going to catch a bug that i'll catch. 3 months ago, he woke up in the middle of the night w/ a migraine and he got sick twice. I logically knew that he didnt have a virus, it was because of the migraine that he got sick, yet, i agonized over it for weeks. I'm still thinking about it. What gets me w/ this phobia is how, for me, it seems to come and go. I was so excited, last week, it hardly bothered me. In fact, i can honestly say, i didn't give it much thought at all. Today, a completly different story, having massive issues. I'm not sure what makes the days different from each other. I have the same work schedule, my same routine, why would some days be great and others not great? This site has helped me alot, it's such a relief to hear other people's stories that are so similar to mine.

[sarahg]

Hiya, I do feel for you, I have suffered like this since my early teens and its got so bad in the past 2 years that I dont think a day goes by that I am not in a panic about it. Don't understand why its got worse, could be that my Nan died around that time which deeply upset me, suppose it could have somehow triggered it off. I too am 30 now and dont feel I can go on any longer like this.


Worst bit is when I am walking around shops or in work, my ears are constantly listening out for people saying they have been ill. On my hols a few months ago I spent one day locked in our appartment because I had heard someone in the reception as our rep where the nearest pharmacy was because their daughter had v*. Probably something she ate but that didnt stop me panicing.


If I know the reason why someone has v* is not due to a bug then I am OK, but its when I don't know. One of the guys at work who works out on site called in before to say he had been ill and was going home ... so panic has set in again and its ruling my life.


I too have missed out on special occassions or they have been ruined due to my thoughts about being ill ... you are certainly not alone there. I don't enjoy Christmas gatherings because I am constantly worrying.


Nicki, I am glad to hear you have enrolled on a teacher training course, but I understand how you feel. I am training to be a driving instructor, but I have seriously dropped behind with my studies because I am so worried about having to work in such close confinement with people who could be carrying a bug. Its a job I really want to do but this stupid phobia is holding me back. Please, dont let this phobia beat you .... I dont know you but I am sure you will make a good teacher... dont letthis phobia hold you back.


Take care, feel free to PM me if you want to chat. Sarah xxx

[nicki]

Hi


Thanks for your replies. Sarah, i can certainly relate to the shop thing, i actually avoid going to pharmacies just in case someone in there has gone to buy something for a bug!


when im not at uni i work in a shoe shop in the kids department and im always washing my hands cos of the kids breathing and coughing on us, i had a kid throw up once who i was serving which wasnt nice at all and i was worried for about a week after.


I had always had a problem with being ill, but then noone likes being sick and im sure most people would avoid someone if they had a stomach bug. I used to be looked after by other people a lotwhen i was little and i wa=ould always get reallyembarrassed if i was sick or had diarrhea and so i suppose some of it stems from there. Then when i was about 14 my nan was taken into hospital after a fall, nothing else wrong with her. After a day in hopsital she started being really sick, and i didnt like to see her in so much pain, so i used to sit in a waiting room when we went to visit. It didnt bother me at the time, cos she would be out of hospital in a few days, she was only in for a fall. I didnt see her much when she was in hospital. Then two days later i had a phone call to say she had died. i didnt believe it at first, she wasnt ill just injured. me and my mum drove to the hospital and they took us into the cubicle where she was. the nurses hadnt even attempted to make her comfortable, she was just slumped sat up in bed leaning against a unit where she had taken her last breath. I cant get that image out of my head, worst of all i felt so guilty that i wasnt there for her during her final days. after that things got really bad for me, i developed ocd and got emet. sometimes i wonder whether my brain has related her being sick with death and sometimes i think because someone being sick cause me so much guilt i avoid it and am not scared of it.


sorry for rambling, just had to get it out

[emmab]

It is good sometimes to come on the website and read other posts to realise that I am not the only person that thinks in this way.

Whenever I hear that someone is ill I worry for at least a week in case I might catch it. Even when noone has been ill I still worry that I may catch a bug and avoid eating when leaving the house.

I am determined to stop emet ruining my life. I am having cbt at the moment which is not helping that much but I have had this for ten years so it is not going to go overnight.