More panicked rambling

[uidactinide]

By the time I was finished with my last post I thought I felt almost
better, but as soon as I stopped typing it all came back again. I want
to cry, but I refuse because it just makes the nausea worse. I'm still
shaking. My legs won't support me and my hands are shaking. My throat
feels tight, and I wish I didn't have to swallow because every time I
do it makes me feel sick all over again. I'm so sleepy, and I can't lie
down because lying down just makes it worse. I'm so scared that I'm
actually sick, and that the fever and such just hasn't hit me yet. I'm
also terrified that the chicken I ate is making me ill. I'll feel calm
for a minute, and then it's right back to the panic. How long can this
last?! I just want to pass out from exhaustion. I can't tell anymore
whether I'm cold because it's cold in my house, or if I'm cold because
of the panic. I'm trying to calm down, I really am, but it isn't
working. I can't concentrate on my breathing or on television or on
anything except sitting here and typing. I just want it to stop. I also
think it might be the coffee I drank. That's been another change for me
since this stomach stuff started happening again. I stopped drinking
coffee for a long time, and I just started drinking it again this week
because I like the white chocolate mochas from Starbucks. My back hurts
from being so tense, and I feel like I'm about to fall over. Why can't
I please just sleep. Everyone probably thinks I'm stupid, or weak, or
something else because I'm making two posts full of panicked rambling,
but I'm hoping that there are people who have been through this before
who will see this and not think that I'm being stupid. I don't
understand why this won't just go away. I wish I could have a "normal"
life with parents and a place to live that doesn't go away, and I wish
I could curl up at night with my kitten and feel safe, and not feel
this scared because of a stupid stomachache. Maybe I started feeling
this way because earlier I was thinking about how the people that you
love go away, and I can't feel safe anywhere because I have "problems
with impermanency" (that's what my friend Jesse calls it). He says I'm
too fixated on the fact that people leave, and that he wishes I could
just enjoy life NOW instead of always thinking about the future. I know
my fiance will leave. He's only 19, and 19 year old boys aren't ever
ready to get married, even if they think they are. They usually don't
realize it until they're already married. I don't have parents, and I
don't have any other family. I don't have very many friends, and the
ones I do have are in Virginia (I'm in California), and we don't talk
very much. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone because
everyone just says I'm being a drama queen, or I'm telling a sob story
to get attention, and all I really want to do is just TALK about it. My
stomach feels okay again, but I have to keep typing because if I don't
it will start feeling sick again. I really really really really hope
that these two posts aren't going to mark me as "that psychotic
annoying girl" here, like they would everywhere else. I'm praying so
much that you guys will be the one group of people who won't think of
me that way, and who will understand the need to just talk about
things, or just ramble when you're feeling ill.



This is my only safe place. Even though I don't post very much here, I
come here alot when I'm feeling poorly because I feel safer here
reading posts by people who go through some of the same things I do.



I try so hard, and I know I'm not perfect, but I don't know why I can't
just have this phobia gone. I try really hard and get straight As in
school, I try to be a good fiancee despite my anxiety and phobias, I
try to be a good friend, I try to be kind to everyone I meet, I even
told my new boss that when the new excavation starts I'd stay on site
for 16 hour shifts on weekends because they're so short-staffed (even
though that's also self-serving because I really love archaeology). I

[trickyvicky]

hey if u want to chat i'm in the chatroom come and chat if u feel like it


vicky xx

[uidactinide]

Thank you so so so much for talking to me. I was still at the "critical
mass" point when we started talking, where if I had tried to go to bed,
there was a good chance that the panic would start again. Talking to
you helped calm me down past that point so I feel like I can go to
sleep without worrying about it coming back. Thank you, and if I can
ever return the favor, please let me know <3



Also, thank you barefootanjel for stopping by to check on me. That was
really sweet of you and it meant a lot to see that people care.

[barefootanjel]

You're more than welcome,hon.As I said,I would like to think that others would do the same if I was ever to find myself in the same position(which i do....regularly!)


Glad you're feeling a little more relaxed,i'm sorry for leaving the way I did but my bloody PC crashed.


Take care and I hope you feel better soon.


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