New to the site..want to share my story.

[Mercadelades]

My name is Mercades. Im 17 years old and I have been struggling with this for as long as I can remember. I can remember every incident I've ever had, but someone close to me thinks they know what started everything.

I'm not sure how old I was, but my brother and I were at my grandmas apartment swimming pool and he floated over me in a big inflatable "raft". A heavy duty thing, not a cheap walmart toy or anything like that. I was trapped under him, and I couldn't find my way up so I started to choke. I remember vividly what I v*ed up, and the taste of chlorine. I have had dreams of drowning ever since then..really really horrific nightmares I should say.. But when I try to think of why I'm afraid, choking/drowning/dieng doesn't do anything.

My anxiety has increased ten fold since I became a vegetarian almost 4 years ago. I hate car rides. I hate bieng in public. I hate fun, I guess. No amusment park rides ofcourse. I can't even eat out anymore. I can't party like regular high school seniors do. The fear has just overcome my life. I suffer from anxiety and all that comes with it. The panic attacks, the sleeplessness, the pain, derealization..the whole nine yards.

Luckily I have a really supportive boyfriend who does his best to shield me from anything I feel is a threat. He's quarintined himself in our room with me when his sisters have been sick. And when he finally caught it he was just fine with me going to my moms house for a week. But it makes me feel worthless in a way. I couldn't take care of him for something compleatly out of his control, or even when his drunk ass didn't know when to stop. I once cried to him for an hour because his mom had made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and set it down on the counter. He has been more than supportive for a whole year and part of the reason I want to get better is for him.

I'm an artist, and I have been overcoming alot of my fear, and it's showing in my work. But now I'm at a place where I need someone to push me off the cliff..or help me down the ladder

Just the other day I got too hot, sitting around doing nothing..so I started to secretly freak out in my head( isn't it amazing how well we can pretend were fine?) and as I was sitting in the shower I thought "what am I scared of?" I didn't have an answer. I'm done bieng afraid ALL THE TIME.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. Any advice will help.

Good luck to everyone, <3 Mercades

[olschesky]

welcome to the forum. i know i've found it comforting being able to come in here and know that people totally understand how i feel.....no matter how irrational it is.

i hope that you find some help in here.....i know i have.......just knowing that i'm not alone is a huge comfort for me......i've also learned ways to get through a panic a little better.......and i've learned to push myself out everyday past my comfort zone......i refuse to become housebound..........it's not easy,, but you have to try.....

also have you been put on any meds? my dr doesnt know about my emet but i was diagnosed years ago with chronic anxiety.....i'm 58 now......i take prozac which really really helps me not to obsess 24/7....i'm not saying it's completely gone......but i can go out most times, i have a job, husband.....never could do the pregnancy thing......but i'm pretty happy with my life at this point. there are times when i just can't go somewhere.......but those times are few and far between.......

good luck....keep reading and posting.......again, welcome

[Mercadelades]

I actually haven't seen any kind of doctor/therapist about my problem. I've considered it, but I don't know how seriously I'm going to be taken. I don't know where to look for one that can understand haha.

And as bad as this sounds, I was excited to find this site. Atleast I know I'm not a nut.

Thanks so much for your reply and good luck to you <3

[Thefloyd12]

Wow I totally feel you. Lol especially with the whole hating fun and not partying like everyone else. At least your a girl. When other guys see a skinny 20 guy ie me. who won't party they make fun of me and call me a fag or a pussy

[krabcakes99]

I know what you guys are talking about. Lately it seems like I forgot to have fun, which sucks a lot!