My story- New to website-Emetiphobia for 15 years
Hello,
I've been checking out this website on and off for several years now and I decided to get an account just to privately share my stories and get feedback from others.
My emetophobia is something that very few if any people know I suffer from. I feel lile many people suffer from this phobia but refuse to discus it because it bothers them or they feel embarrassed by it.
I think theres something in our lives, especially at a young age that triggers our fear. At least I think thats what happened to me.
When I was around the age of nine I became really ill from some kind of bug. It was really traumatic for me because of how ill it made me.
I think my fear stems from the lack of support I was given as a child from my parents when I was ill. If I became unwell during the night my mother would refuse to come comfort me. Or when I was ill she would ignore me or come into the bathroom and say uncomforting things.
I guess I always felt on my own in those situations or that it was wrong or I had done something wrong?
I am 23 years old now and I still suffer from emetiphobia but I don't think it's as bad as it use to be. I still fear mostly v* myself because it's a very dramatic situation.
If it does happen I refuse anyone’s support or reassurance although it is something that I want. I don't know why I have to refuse it. It’s almost a shame inside of me that prevents me from doing it in front of anyone.
I don’t think this is an uncommon feeling for people to have either but it’s not something you discuss with people, ever.
I have tried to help get over my phobia which includes forcing myself to help other who are in the act, making myself v*, watch videos, or read stories related to that. In fact, I actually find video’s and pictures more difficult to see then to actually help someone who’s in the act of.
Over the years I’ve thought about why I had this huge fear and often envied my friends for being able to do it without even having a thought in mind about how horrible it was. No one ever really knew I had the fear, not even those who thought they knew everything about me.
I think when I was around the age of 16 I became obsessed with fantasies of having support from people I found attractive while in the act of v*. It was never a sexual thing and the thought of it becoming sexual is a disgusting thought. But they are always situations where support is given by someone who I like sexually or am attracted to in some fashion.
The odd thing is, my partner of 4 years has never seen me vomit and I could never do it in front of him even though I am attracted to him and love him. It’s not something I can do in real life unless I am completely alone. He also doesn’t know about my fear or my fantasies if you can call them fantasies.
So I am not entirely sure if these fantasies are my way of living out in my head what I can’t do in real life or what I never had as a child. It’s not something I want to stop because as weird as it sounds, I enjoy it. No one would ever know it or imagine that I think about. It’s actually kinda crazy to write it to people on here.
I am wondering if there’s anyone else who does the same thing that I do as a way to cope with their fear.
Thanks for reading I look forward to hearing your thoughts and checking out the website more.
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