Completely fed up of myself now - here's whats going on..

[crunchie]

Hi Everyone.

First of all, I used to be a very active user here about four years ago, I came off the baods because I felt if i stopped focusing on my phobia everyday, it would ease off...

well four years, I am a hell of a lot better than i used to be. four years ago you wer lucky if ud get me out the house!!

At the moment Im doing well, this phobia doesnt over take my life every single day for the majority, but heres whats going on and what im hoping you can help me with.

My main problem when it comes to this phobia is a control issue. my phobia is only half as bad when im on my own, but if people who im not totally comfortable with (basically my only comfort ppl are my immediate family, the ones ive grown up with) then I will totally freak out. here comes the major problem.

I am in a stable relationship with the guy i consider to be "the one". we are supposed to be moving in togehter in a few months time, but i cant even let him stay with me the night in my own house, never mind live with him because im so scared of waking up in the middle of the night with a bug because i wouldnt be able to cope while he was there.
The strange thing about all of this is, i KNOW im not afraid of V*. the last time I had a bug and there was V* involved, i wasnt afraid at all, but a few weeks later the phobia comes back and the panic attacks even though I KNOW that im not afraid of the actual event, and I dont understand why my body has a major fear reaction to something I know i dont physically fear? I think its probably because that reaction has been instilled in me for the last 25 years of my life, its now the automatic response and no rationalisation will get rid of it.

and the problem continues...
i wont go on holiday cos its not my comfort zone and im scared ill get unwell on the plane or wile im away, i wont sleep the night anywhere unless its my own house for the same reasons as above, i wont go on journeys lasting more than half an hour in a car...so basically im stuck in one place and terrified of holding my boyfriend back in life.

my question is right now, my phobia is so so much better than it used to be, and i am considering going back on medication I was on a few years ago (i also have OCD, not physical but mental ocd like constantly worrying and questioning the same things over again incase it leads to a situation where i could be ill). However im torn between two sides - is it really bad enought to need the meds? or should i attack it with meds while its only weak and hopefully banish it for life?

Id love to know your thoughts...

Also my parents are going on holiday for a while in the winter (and we all know what winter brings...) so im worried ill be unwell while they are away too..

has anyone had any experiences with medication actually helping to weaken the phobia?

please help.

love, crunchie x

[sage]

Hi Crunchie,

Your story is very interesting. I can't "diagnose" people over the internet, so take what I'm about to say with a big grain of salt.

It sounds like you're not really better, you've just found a way to live your life in avoidance of the things that bring you fear. Now, when you're faced with a change like living with someone, you can't avoid those things. I would suggest going back on the meds so that you can function better with less avoidance, and also finding a good therapist to help you face your fears and slowly but gradually work through them. Only then will you be completely recovered and can live your life as normal - get married, have kids, travel, work, etc.

If you have any questions you can contact me through my website or PM me here.
Take care and good luck!

[olschesky]

i seem to do better with my emet when i'm alone........about 2 years ago i got back with my ex husband.....after being divorced for 25 years. i was single and living alone for the past 7 years and felt pretty good about life and my emet. when i knew my x was moving back i got really nervous about....how can i have my panic with him in the house.....it's a really tiny place and only 1 bedroom........i was a mess for a while about it.....then i found this forum and had him read the research and info section and some of the posts to help him understand how i feel. he knows not to ask me about it........but if i need to talk about it or be left alone for a while he totally gets it.

i see absolutely nothing wrong with taking meds that help you lead a better life. i'm a prozac girl, also a script for valium 5mg......i take 1/2 valium when i get up in the morning......and most days that is all the meds i need. prozac of course is daily.

i agree with sage about going back on them and seeing a therapist......

good luck and good life

[crunchie]

Hi Sage - Thanks for your reply! I think you're right bout the meds, however Ive given up on therapy. ive had four therapits so far, ive tried CBT, hypnotherapy, tapping technique...nothing has ever helped me. I bought an indepth CBT book which basically has all the techniques in that a few of my therapists have taught me but i dont seem to get any relief from it x

[crunchie]

Hi Olschesky! - Its great that your partner understands so much, my boyfriend knows everything about what im going through but i still cant let the anxiety go around him. I don't know why i panic so much when people are around, i know logically it wouldnt make a difference to my situation or whether I was ill or not - do you know the reason behind yours? Maybe knowing yours would help me out! (if you wouldnt mind)

xx