Being a mother

[HeatherC]

I am new to this group and just learning about emetophobia. I have had a sever phobia for as long as I can remember and it has gotten much worse since I became a mother. I didn't plan on every having children, mostly because of my fear. However, my pregnancy with my son was unplanned. I was very fearful of what would happen when he would someday get sick.

My son had a stomach virus last spring and got sick on me and in several areas of our home. I was home alone with him. I called my mother who rushed over and helped me for a short amount of time, including comforting my son. I had to clean up one area, but my mom took care of the rest. When my mom left, I completely lost it. I was crying and shaking. I couldn't sleep, I just watched him sleep from a distance all night. It breaks my heart to even say that now because that is not the type of mother that I am. I love my child endlessly. My entire world revolves around him, but ever since that incident, my phobia has gotten so much more intense. I feel as if he is a ticking time bomb. I love him no less, but I am in a constant state of fear and panic. His father and my mother try to be supportive of my fear, but I know that they think I am crazy most of the time. I am always asking if he feels feverish to them, or if he looks pale, or flushed. I am so careful about every bite of food that he puts in his body as well.

This all is outside of the other areas that my emetophobia affects, like everything I eat, my germophobia, the places that I can go, the limits on traveling, going out, etc.

Lately, it has gotten so bad that I have kept him away from other children. We used to go to playgroups and have kids over, but it seems that one of his friends is always sick with a stomach virus, so we now stay home most of the time. I begin to have a panic attack when I think about sending him off to school someday.

I can't live like this anymore. I feel like a horrible mother. The anxiety is ruining my life and seriously affecting my child's life. I really need help. I wish that someone could just fix my brain.

[claire43]

You are really having a tough time aren't you. Have you ever spoken to your dr about how you feel? I really think you could be helped with some anti-anxiety meds and counselling. In my own experience emet seems to be a roller coaster of highs and lows. For me it was severe in my late teens to early 20's then wasnt a big deal until about 2 years ago when it reared its ugly head big time. Im now on citalopram anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds and they do seem to have helped considerably. Obviously these are just masking the underlying problem but they have given me back some quality of life, in fact Ive just started work again after several years of staying at home - preferring it to going out and mixing with people with all sorts of germs! From what Ive read on this site a lot of people get good results with CBT so why not ask your dr to arrange this for you. You and your son deserve you to be well, and having a child will often give you that extra incentive to seek help. When my daughter was small Im sure there were all sorts of sv* doing the rounds but she rarely caught them.

[HeatherC]

Up until recently, I didn't even know about emetophobia. I just thought I was crazy. My mom and my son's father know some of what I go through, but only one person really knows everything (a friend of mine who is also emetophobic, and thought she was just crazy too). Although I hate taking medicine, lately I have been considering it because I feel like anything would be better than this. Some days are not that bad, but other days I honestly can't leave my house. I have always been afraid, but it has never been as bad as my bad days are now. I am not currently seeing a dr., but I looked up a number of a therapist that I plan to call tomorrow. I have been hesitant to see a therapist because I have had bad experiences in the past, but I am just going to go for it.

Has the medicine calmed your fear, or does it just take the edge off of the anxiety? I dream of the day that I can feel completely free of the fear and live my life without worry.

[grrlga30]

My Dr gave me Xanax to control my phobia...like when my daughter gets sick, it helps! Other then that, just think the older they get, the easier it gets..i try to put it in the back of my head most days, i want to enjoy my kids, but there are somes days this phobia just gets the best of me.

[Joanne1216]

I know how you feel. You love them so much, but when they are sick like that, you feel completely helpless. You're not a bad mother, you just have a phobia that effects one aspect of your parenting. You will be fine. When my children get a sv, I go out of my way to make it seem like it.s no big deal to v* because I don't want them to suffer like I have.

[claire43]

I think its just taken the edge off. It certainly hasnt stopped me freaking out when I think Im going to v* or someone close to me has a sv* but I am able to cope with day to day living. I do feel sick A LOT but thats due to a number of causes both physical and mental I guess. I also take anti-emetics, prescribed by my dr and they do give me some peace of mind. I think it would help you to seek help from a professional, the early years with your son are so precious and you can't re-do them so you should try everything in your power to enjoy them. Before you know it he'll be all grown up and you'll look back and regret not getting all the help you could have.

You sound like such a caring mother and I know it gets to you how its affecting your child. Thankfully my emet wasnt a big deal when my daughter was young though thats not to say I didnt panic big time on the odd occasions she did get sick but I hid it from her cos I didnt want to pass my fears on to her. I brought her up alone from the age of 3 so I had to cope and thankfully she was completely unaware of my phobia until 2 years ago when she was 17 so I must have done a good job at covering it up.

Push yourself a little everyday to do something that takes you out of your comfort zone. It doesnt have to be major - perhaps a stroll to a park to mix with other people, or a toddler group once a week. Anything really that gets you out of the rut you're falling into. I know from my own personal experience that giving into the fears and staying at home cos its easier than risking all the germs that are lurking 'out there' will only make matters worse. Even to this day Im a work in progress. Ive just started a job 2 wks ago and Im finding it quite tough to have to be somewhere other than home. I do enjoy work and the money is certainly a bonus but theres still a part of me that would prefer to be safe and at home every day!!

[hairyfairy]

I have awful memories of Vting several times when I was a child, & nver understood the reason why, which made it all the more upsetting. I thought that maybe I had some sort of illness that might be hereditary. It was one of the reasons that I didn`t want to be a mother. I had a baby when I was 18, but he was adopted.

[FurryMane]

I just want to add to this.. I'm 19, and I want to tell you what MY parents were like when I V* when I was younger...I feel it might help you look at it from your Son's point of view..

-Whenever I was sick as a child and my Dad wasn't in, because he was out at work, my mum would ring my Grandparents who would come to pick me up. (She's never admitted to being Emet, but she's as scared as me as being sick..).
-When I was sick it would ALWAYS be my Dad to help me, or to clean it up..
- Whenever I was the slightest bit poorly after my mum and dad split up, i would ALWAYS go to my Dad's/grandparents for a week until I was better..
- As I started to get older I realised my mum was scared to... I once cried because I didnt want to be alone whilst feeling sick.. mum shouted from another room she couldn't come in..
I was then sick on my bed and she made me clean it ..
- I was sick this summer because of bad sinisitus..and she screamed at me because I was sick on the bathroom floor and in a towel (I cant be sick IN a toilet..).
- I begged her to sit with me but she said she couldn't..


I don't think my mums a bad mum in any way....I realise now she's an Emet, she just hasn't diagnosed herself etc..
I also saw/heard my Dad be sick for the first time in my life this summer. He's 48, yet he cried, screamed... It was weird seeing my dad like that, but then I realised my Dads's also an Emet, and when I asked him, he said he hadn't been sick for 30 odd ish years, and was ok dealing with my sick because I was helpless as a child, but he can't stand it himself..

What I'm trying to say is, you're not a bad mother for being an Emet, and it doesn't matter if you need help when he's sick..you shouldn't feel bad for calling his grandparents etc.. We can't help being Emet, and even though I'm only 19 I've discussed with my boyfriend that when we have kids I WONT be able to deal with them being ill... maybe i'll be different when i'm actually a mum..but i couldnt now..
Your Son loves you - just because you have a phobia it doesn't make you incapable.

[mefpage]

The last time my daughter was sick (2 years ago) I totally freaked out and finally had to go back on anti anxiety meds because I couldn't function - I was a mess. I live it total fear of the next time she is sick and like you - would like the fear to STOP! Meds help you get through it some time. For me it helps me stop the panic cycle, but beware - all meds work differently for different people. It can take time and work to find what works for you. What works great for one person can make you worse, and vice versa. If you decide to try the medication route, you need to have someone that knows what you are doing so they can help you assess whether or not its impacting you in a bad way.

You aren't a bad mother - you are just a mother with a phobia. I cried and cried the last time my daughter was sick - from the fear and the feeling like I was a bad mother. But we aren't bad mothers!

[sister327]

Reading all these posts brought tears to my eyes. My sister has the same phobia as all of you. Her daughter is two and a half and since she was born she has the same reaction to when she is sick. I have slept with my niece since she was a born because my sister is too scared if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she may v*. She has even called friends and left the house. She has done this since we were little girls. She knows she has emetophobia and has gotten books and sometimes takes medications but she is too scared to take those most of the time.
HeatherC, you described her night time routine to a T. It really hit home when you said, "I am always asking if he feels feverish to them, or if he looks pale, or flushed." She is always checking her forehead, trying to see if she is sick, watching what she eats like a HAWK.
Here is my frustration and where I'm hoping I can get some help and understanding. When my niece is sick, I take care of her when my sister has to leave because of her phobia. When my niece cries, all she wants is her mom, yet her mom won't comfort her or even be near her. I feel helpless to both my sister and niece... This has crippled her all her life. I the reason I found this site is because I am putting together a Christmas present to help her relax and I was looking up herbal remedies for anxiety and stumbled upon this site. It is very eye-opening.

[HeatherC]

I hope that I can get over my fear so that I can have more children. I would love to have a big family and give my son some siblings. I love being a mother more than anything... but I also think, 2 kids = 2 times the v*, 3 kids = 3 times the v*.

Being a mom and emet is so hard.

[MollyHazel]

I hope that I can get over my fear so that I can have more children. I would love to have a big family and give my son some siblings. I love being a mother more than anything... but I also think, 2 kids = 2 times the v*, 3 kids = 3 times the v*.

Being a mom and emet is so hard.

I 100% agree with you! I am a mother of 2, my son is 6 and my daughter is 3. My hubby would love to have more, but I don't think that I can. I have been an emet as long as I remember and wondered how I would feel once I had children, I thought that I would be able to handle being near my kids when they v*, but I have tried and I really can't.

It is so hard for me because I do fear v* myself, but my biggest fear is seeing someone else do it. I panic and can't control myself, much less help them. Thank goodness I have a very understnading hubby and mother that help out when I need them, but I am in constant fear when my husband goes out of town that one of the kids will get up in the night and v*, I honestly don't know what I would do?? The fear of this happening consumes me at times and I think that I'm not enjoying being a mother as much as I should because of my irrational fears. It hurts so bad to think that I am just unable to help when they may need me.

I have been to counceling and it helps some, I just hope and pray that the day will come when I can let this go and enjoy every moment with my family instead of living in fear of them.

[havenk]

Just joined tonight, after lurking for a while. I have a huge problem with emet. which has gotten so much worse since the kids came. I live in constant fear that my kids will get sick. I'm always questioning my 2 year old's babysitter if anyone has been sick, questioning my 6 yr old if anyone in her class was absent. I have been in therapy for almost 2 years and it hasn't helped. Tonight, I plan to sleep in the basement as my daughter complained of a stomach ache before going to bed. I can't enjoy my family, the holidays, my life. No one around me understands. My poor son has had the a sv three times since July and I was a basket case every time. Sometimes, I just want to run away.

[mdgirl1977]

I could have written this ENTIRE post word for word. I literally understand every single thing you said and I have no idea what to do about it. I tried anti depressants, but it is so bad that I am not enjoying being with my son. I am divorced, so half the time he is with me and lately I am finding myself letting him stay with his dad more simply because of my fear of v*.

My son actually knows about my fear because today he v* at his dads 4 times and told his dad to not tell me so I wouldnt be scared. My son is 3 1/2. I don't know how he knows I am emet. But I am and it is debillitating. I won't have another kid because I can't take it. I actually didn't want kids initially because of my fear...but i love my son more than life itself and feel so guilty posting that.

[kmahle]

I am sitting here crying because I can identify with these posts. I am pregnant with baby #2. I never even thought I could have baby #1 because of my phobia. I got lucky with her, she's only ever gotten sick one time...she never even spitup as a baby. Here I am getting ready for #2... I've had morning sickness since week 2...I ve been sick for 6 weeks... the dr's here just don't seem to understand or care about the anxiety I have because of my phobia, so I just have to suffer every day. My poor daughter... when she was sick, I wanted to help her so badly. I just looked at her from another room. Wanting to WANT to go to her. I couldn't do it. I try so hard to hide my fear from her. It hasn't worked. I feel so badly that I can't help her in her times of need. I turn into this big mass of shakes and tears... I constantly look at her and silently check her to see if she looks as though she's becoming ill.... We live on the same street as 3 of her cousins... and if there is a sv going around, I quarantine her..and myself..and my husbad.... and during those quarantines I have the hardest time just being around her because it could pop up at any moment. I'm so scared to have 2 kids. Growing up there were 4+ kids in my house, and when one of us got sick, we didn't pass it on... but I look around me now and all of my friends' kids pass their bugs around and arouind and around... I just think to myself "this is how it's going to be..there will be illness in my house x2...and then some...I will never be able to enjoy life with my children" ...all because of this stupid debilitating fear...I always view children as "ticking time bombs"..what a way to feel, right? My husband knows my fear and is very considerate of my quirks. I just wish I didn't have to have any quirks.. (frequent hand washing, never sharing foods, etc) On my worse days I don't even want to get better, because I am so afraid ofwhat that would entail. I know I'm rambling on and on, but I don't have anyone who truly understands the anxiety I have because of this. When I tell people (friends OR family) the usual reply is "nobody LIKES v." ...they can't understand. I try every day to do something outside of my comfort zone when it comes to my fear...but it all gets thrown backwards when someone, anyone, feels sick... .heck, even if they post it on facebook and they live in the same state, my mind goes on red alert. I feel so helpless and horrible. I love my daughter... I don't want her to have this awful fear too! I could talk about this for hours, days....I hate being alone.

[mdgirl1977]

Kmahle - god bless, I understand exactly what you are saying. Every word. From FB, to quarantine, to never sharing foods, ticking time bombs. I especially love the comment you mentioned...'everyone hates v*"...dude, they need to SHUT UP. this phobia is not just "dislike" or "hate"...it is flat our crippling, debilitating, want to die kind of fear. HUGS.