So Tired of This

[kaiilyn_23]

I am so sick & tired of living in this constant, never ending fear of being sick. Every day goes like this, "Crap, I feel funny, am I going to be sick?" "Oh God, I'm having d*, somethings not right!" "Ah, I'm dizzy, this better not be a sv*!" "Mom, mom, is this normal? Why do I feel like this? Please don't tell me I'm going to be sick." I don't even know who I am anymore & it's stressing me out. I've always been extremely afraid of v* but never like this. Only when I know someone who's sick or someone in my household v*s. Now it's just a constant obsession of washing my hands, avoiding things, & freaking out about my stupid stomach & my dizzy head.

All I want is to get better; I want to go back to how I used to be, at least. Sure I had panic attacks when someone was sick but it's rare when someone in my household is sick. I much prefer feeling weird only when someone is sick as opposed to all the time. I hate these stupid superstitions I have, like eating certain things, doing certain things, watching certain things. I hate that I had to leave my friends house because I was having a huge panic attack & I was dizzy & I had to avoid seeing my own FRIEND. It's ridiculous. I'm frustrated with myself. I just want to make myself better but I'm finding it so hard, I try & I try to convince myself that I'm okay, I try & tell myself that v* is normal, not going to hurt me, that the buildup is way worse than the actual thing, but no matter what I'm just always here, freaking out. One cough & I'm afraid that I'll be sick from it. Dizzy spell? Oh, crap, guess I'm sick. Cramp? Oh my God, I'm going to v*! I'm just so sick & I'm sorry I'm completely ranting but I just need to let this out somewhere.

My mom is completely fed up with this. She was understanding & supportive at first but now whenever I come to her worried or scared & I just want to talk about things she just gets really mad, & it bothers me because I just want to talk to her you know? I feel like I have nobody to talk to you now & I hate it. I'm only twelve, my friends don't understand this, they all know how much I hate v* but they don't understand the severity of the phobia, & the fear I endure every day.

I used to love being home alone; the freedom & independance. Now I hate it. If I start to feel off I Have to call my mom or call someone to come over because I'm so afraid that something will happen while I'm alone. I used to love rides at amusement parks, the really spinny ones too, now I'm too afraid to go on because I'm afraid they'll make me sick. I used to love car trips, road trips etc, now I hate it because I'm afraid I'll v* in the car like i did when I was 3 (the last time I was sick,).

I just feel ridiculous, out of control in a way. I hate the way I'm making myself feel & I want it to stop; I know that I'm the one who is really in control but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I've been taken over.

Thank God my class had outdoor school last year instead of this year, because now that my phobia & anxiety has intensified so much I doubt I'd go, & I had so much fun there & I'm so glad I got to go when I did. I'm afraid of being away from home because I'm so afraid I'll v* or someone else will v*. It keeps getting worse & worse. I started taking Zoloft this week so hopefully it helps me out a little. I'm so over this & I want to be me again. I hate the fact that I'm potentially losing myself at twelve years old; I'm in seventh grade, I should be hanging out with my friends at the mall, going to movies, eating junk food, but instead I'm sitting at home, sleeping, taking Gravol, worrying, worrying some more, not eating full meals because of being afraid of my IBS & lactose intolerance symptoms. I'm not completely anti-social but the only way I'm actually hanging out with my friends now is if they initiate it. I talk to them all the time I just don't initiate hanging out anymore, & I'm afraid that I'll lose my friends.

I'm sorry I'm always abusing these boards, but this is the only place where I feel like I can talk to people about this. My therapist just talks to me about my anxiety in general, not my phobia which is causing it :/

I just want to be me again. Happy, free, outgoing, adventerous, Kailyn.

[PsyNerd22]

Aww i can relate to everything that you have said. Its so frustrating and my famiily is fed up with my obsession with keeping everything clean. I feel like im a burden on them. I am 22 years old, i cant imagine feeling this way when i was your age. You really need to tell you therapist that your not satisfied with the method she is using. Or maybe you should find a better one that uses CBT.

I'm sure that with patience, we all can get better. You are young, you have a lot to look forward to.
Btw i have ibs-c, acid reflux, and a lactose intolerance. i know how hard it can make our situtation. Been constantly n* and having an upset stomach due to your digestive issues only make this phobia worse.

We are here to help!

[kaiilyn_23]

Whenever I start getting anxious now or talking to my mom she just gets really pissed off & it's frustrating because I just want someone to talk to, & especially her since she's suffered from severe anxiety all her life. It's horrible. I just want to go to school, hang out with my friends & do random stuff but instead now I live in fear & I can't go ANYWHERE where I can't have my bag because it has my anti-emetics JUST in case. It's so frustrating & I try to leave without them but I get anxious.
I've tried telling her how severe my phobia is but she keeps going back to all my family issues. Yes, I have a lot of issues with my dad & we were in a financially bad place, but selfishly I admit that's not why I feel anxious. I'm always freaking out about being sick & she just doesn't really seem to understand that.

I sure hope so.
It's horrible! I'm going to a GI guy on the 15th to finally sort things out, I might have more things wrong wtih me :/ Lovely, just lovely. There's always something wrong with me; a concussion,sprained wrist, cold, pain, cramps, whatever

thank you!

[JanieJones007]

Kailyn, I completely understand. When I read that my jaw dropped because literally everything you said is EXACTLY me! I was just thinking 10 minutes ago how I feel like im going crazy because this phobia is consuming me. But we arent crazy, Thats just how we are and after winter we will better. This month has been very bad for me as well, I wake up in panic everyday and call of work way more than I should. I think this winter is just bad for all of us. I also just started taking Zoloft this week, have not had any results yet but from what I've heard on here it will help. I dont have anyone to talk to either because anytime I call my mom about it she just acts annoyed and changes the subject even though I really need to talk about it.

I know exactly how you feel though. Its horrible but we'll get through it. If you ever need to talk about it you can PM me!

[kaiilyn_23]

Yeah I can't wait for winter to be over. I can't wait for Spring, much rather be dealing with my mild allergies than emetophobia. Yeah I pretend I'm sick just because I'm afraid to face people at school who could potentially be carrying around germs. I'm trying to stop that though because I really want to do well in school & I need to stop letting this interfere with my grades. I'm going to try & focus more on my passion for writing & music & hope it takes my mind off it a little more! That's exactly what my mom is like. She acts annoyed, usually rolls her eyes & doesn't answer my questions, or she says, "Kailyn, you're being ridiculous!" & I just need to talk. Maybe I talk about it too much but I find it helps.

Thank you so much Yeah I'm hoping the Zoloft will help. I'm on 25mg now but only to get me used to it, my doctor is upping my dosage to 50mg next week & we'll see how it goes from there. I've heard really good things about Zoloft from people on here so I'm really hopeful, hope it works for you too! I've had no side effects of n* or d* so it's all been good

[Natiebear]

Most of you physcal symtoms will go away when the meds kick in you guys. Hang in there it will get better i swear!

[kaiilyn_23]

I sure hope. I just finished with a huge panic attack because I stupidly ate some chocolate today (not smart, lactose intolerant here) & now I'm feeling the consequences & I'm all freaked out because I feel really n* & I haven't had a bad reaction to lactose in awhile. I managed to calm myself down though, feeling pretty accomplished It's always such a nice feeling when you successfully calm yourself down, like one time recently at the Christmas concert I started feeling n* on stage because of cramps & I was so tempted just to run off the stage because I thought I was going to v* but I sucked it up & made it through the night! I felt so proud of myself after & I still do.
I do believe that I will get better & that things will ease up whether or not the meds help or not, I just get impatient waiting for it to happen.