I could use some help...please

[mckinnap]

A little history:

I am a 23 year old female and I have had a fear of vomiting since I was 6, plus generalized anxiety disorder for as long as I remember. At my worst, around 14, I was avoiding eating anything for fear of vomiting. I became incredibly agorophobic and did not attend school . When I was younger, anxiety wasn't something that many people know about and the doctors put me on 200mg of Zoloft and Klonopin because it was that severe. I stayed on medication thoughout my teen years and I had gone through a program at the children's hospital when I was a freshman in high school. Things have definitely improved as I've gotten older, and it is so difficult to explain my life story because I'm sure I'm blocking things out. So currently, I am not on medication (do not want to go on it again, I think the doctors were wrong to put a child on such a high dose) I do still have klonopin that I use very very rarely. I have tried about seven acupuncture treatments, which I have not found very helpful. I have generalized anxiety with a phobia of vomiting/nausea/passing out. I hold a job, have a relatively normal social life (not how i would like it to be). ANY time I feel nauseous, I freeze, can't move, terrorized. If at home, I will not leave for fear of vomiting. If I get indigestion, I'm afraid. I shake and I have anxiety attacks. Not panic attacks, those are rare for me now (not so when I was a child) but it's incredibly uncomfortable. I have a huge issue with overeating and I'm so afraid of that full feeling that occurs after you overeat. I need some help, I'm at the point where I want to know WHY this is happening. WHERE is this fear coming from and WHY can't I get a hold of it. I've had it for SO long, I know what I need to do to overcome it, but when you're in that situation, i can't seem to focus on breathing techniques and behavioral techniques to take my mind off it. I'm sure I've left so much out, but it was difficult enough to write about this. People tell me they have NO idea that I have anxiety, and I do not have a history of vomiting. I know it's a deeper fear of losing control, hence why I'm afraid of passing out too. I want to start exercising for relief but I am afraid I'll throw up.

[Natiebear]

I have had the same problems. The docs and my parents thought i was anorexic cause i thought i was fat the truth was i was afraid to eat. Then after you have not eaten in a long time when you do you feel aweful cause your stomach is use to being empty. I was 90 pounds and put in the mental unit where they would sit and watch me eat. I take 150 mg of Zoloft and it has helped me so much but i still get bad days. There is no magic pills for this. I do the best i can to get through everyday one at a time. I think that was a key thing for me. I would think to far ahead and worry myself sick. You just have to take it one day at a time. I too fear fainting because it had happen alot to me due to a heart problem. You fear passing out probley cause you feel dizzy and n* when you pass out. That's my reason behind it.

[claire43]

Hiya and welcome to this site.

At least you understand a lot about your own fears and insecurities. Im a lot older than you and I dont understand myself as much as you appear to! All I know is that I HATE thinking that I might vomit- dont really know why except that the whole thing disgusts and repulses me not to mention terrifies me!!

Like you say you're able to work and socialise (up to a point) so why not look at the positive side of your life and perhaps even get some cbt. There seems to be a lot of people on this site who benefit greatly from this form of therapy.

Years ago I had acupuncture and I found it to be pretty unhelpful too. I do take citalopram anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds but only started them just over a year ago and they have sort of helped me lead a more normal life. At least I am starting to - 4 weeks ago I started work again after years of unemployment so thats a step in the right direction I think

[mckinnap]

I had a terrible day yesterday and I was so down and out. Ironically, I had called a mental health center in my city a couple weeks ago and they called me yesterday to set up an appointment. I don't think I've ever had cognitive behavioral therapy specific to my phobias and anxiety. Hopefully this doctor can provide some insight into my own head. I know what to do, but when my stomach is upset/full, it's so difficult to get out of my own head to relax.

[McMorbid]

It is possible that you would allow any medication for anxiety? The type I take (I would name it, but I apologize, for I am constantly forgetting what it's called) isn't allowed to be put out in large doses. Even when I was at my worst, I was still taking a small amount.
Have you tried therapy? Having long discussions on different techniques to calm your anxiety?
I have been taught many techniques, and though I have no idea if they will work with you, I would like to share them anyways.
The first is simple calming stuff. The usual breathing, etc. Though, of course, you must be careful on not hyperventilating while doing deep breathing. You must have control over your own mind. You can not let your mind completely take over your body. And I understand how difficult this is, seeing as you said it's hard for you, ecspecially when your mind flies off in the thralls of your panic. But if you can eventually manage it, it will help. You must try your hardest, push yourself and demand for your mind to be your own.
Another simple thing is distractions. Force your mind off your nasea by doing something you like. Read a book, play a game, watch T.V. Reading always works for me, because I have to focus my mind on the words and let them process through my head.
The last one was more of a motivation technique. The guidance counsiller at my school told me to envision my fear as a material object. Being me, I saw the phobia as the Jabberywocky monster from Alice in Wonderland. She told me to describe it fully; exactly how the creature looked like. If I ever delve into a panic attack, I am to concentrate on this Jabberwocky, and force it asleep, thus mentally calming myself down.
Of course, this techniques don't work for everyone. Most of what I was taught was cold, blunt, and to-the-point. I had to learn to control my mind; and it was indeed the most difficult process of my life.
So, in the end, all I can really say is that I wish you all the best of luck. I am certain that you will, even if it takes more time and a little more pushing, overcome the fear.

[mckinnap]

I want to thank you guys for making me feel like I am not alone in this. It's been a difficult evening. I went out to dinner and of course, as soon as I ate, I panic. After about a half hour of anxiety standing outside waiting for the rest of my party to finish, I ended up walking home hysterically crying, partly due to fear, part to embarassment, part to failure. I had to take some klonopin which made me anxious as well, for I have not taken it in so long and the thought makes me anxious. As I try to calm down, waiting for the medication to work, crying because I'm so frustrated with my life, I start to worry that I'm actually going crazy. What if one of these times, I snap and go nuts? I get so worked up and I'm so afraid I will lose every relationship I've built in my life because I'll go crazy. My stomach is still upset, though I'm thinking it's because i've been so worked up all evening. I'm tired now from the klonopin, so I'll try to get some sleep.

[mckinnap]

And the reason I do not like medications is because the doctors put me on such a high dose so young in life that I never grew up without medication. As a young adult, when I stopped, I dropped all the baby weight I had never had the chance to lose, and my sex drive came alive. I dont want to lose any of that due to medication. Plus, the list of side effects alone makes me not want to touch anything. Does anyone know anything about Chinese herbology?

[mckinnap]

I'm so happy and proud that you're able to get back to work. It's a great feeling to have an accomplishment like that. Keep up the good work.

[jenna23]

McMorbid - the Jabberwocky idea is really interesting, I might try that