I haven't been here in a long time for a myriad of reasons, but I felt the need to share something.

I just got back from the world's worst 3 day vacation to Vegas last thursday. I had a massive panic attack each day. Two because of the plane rides, one because of a massive argument that broke out the only full day we were there. Needless to say, I have not had a panic attack in over a year. I have had pretty strong anxiety, but panic has not stepped on my doorstep for quite some time.

Long story short, my emet came back with a vengeance. I've been terrified of EVERYTHING. Until today, anyway. The morning after I got back I woke up with this awesome toothache that went away later in the day. The day after that my whole jaw was swollen and I could barely chew anything. It was an infected wisdom tooth. I neglected to get these pulled because of the awful vomit stories I'd heard all my friends tell when I was of age to get them done.

Of course I had to go on antibiotics. I am TERRIFIED!!!!! of antibiotics for obvious reasons, but I forced myself to take them because I knew I could die if the infection kept getting worse. For two days I would force myself to eat (I had absolutely no appetite) take them, panic, feel nauseated, panic more, cry, guzzle emetrol, calm down, wait 6 hours, repeat. Today I consciously decided to not take the emetrol and see what happened because I was sick and tired of the routine. I was convinced the nausea was coming from the antibiotics. Turns out I invented it all in my head. The curiosity, frustration with myself and exhaustion from the constant stress kept me from panicking.

I feel stupid because I am the one who caused myself to feel ill, not the meds, but I feel like I can conquer the world now. It isn't much, but being able to take antibiotics is really important if you have to. The dentist gave me the tasty bubblegum flavored liquid they give to kids because I was freaking out about it. She was also really good about reassuring me that I would tolerate them just fine.

At this point in my life, my emet keeps me from getting a job, though I can do many other normal things such as eat in restaurants, go to social events and I even share a cup with two or three *very* select people. If someone came down with something at work, however... and I heard about it, I would quit and hide under my bed for a month. After this I feel very optimistic that I can do something about this and start leading a normal life. I live in a very unhealthy home and I need to get better so I can get out. This has renewed my optimism. It might not make sense to anyone else, but I am so excited I had to tell SOMEONE!