Disgust & blame

[Sansora]

Hi everyone,

Usual story here, I've been an emetophobe for as long as I can remember (I'm in my twenties now) and picked up plenty of OCD habits to go along with it. I used to be equally fearful of other people being ill and myself, but since I became incredibly good at fighting nausea I lost a lot of the panic about myself and now I feel that side is managable.

Unfortunately, if anything, my phobia has gotten worse where other people are concerned. I got into a relationship about 6 months ago after avoiding them for a number of reasons, emetophobia being a big one, and now that which I feared most happened - my partner was very ill and noisily so this morning. I handled it badly and didn't expect anything else, but my main concern is that I can't seem to get past the anger and disgust directed at him because of it. I left as soon as I could and the resentment set in heavy once the panic attacks stopped. Of course there's guilt there too that I feel this way, but mainly I just feel violated and that I can't trust him anymore.

I understand the whole 'it's not his fault he got ill' thing but I find it really difficult to accept when people don't even try to fight the nausea or be quiet about it. He knows I have this phobia and his attitude is that it had to happen eventually and illness is a part of life - fair enough. I still resent him for being so damned noisy and disgusting about it, so does anyone have any tips on handling this?

[Rebecca85]

Your story is very similar to mine. And the only things that I have found that help with the disgust etc is writing things down, and time. I mean, I would never tell my partner how angry I was with him for being ill! So I wrote a letter that I never intended to send, explaining how I felt and it did help a bit. And over time the feelings have lessened. As for 'trusting' him again, I admit I am being really fussy over him at the moment, constantly checking that he feels OK, but again that lessens over time.

[AndiGirl]

Don't feel bad, or beat yourself up. I've been married for a while, and my husband throws up about every other year from the stomach flu. I have to plug my ears. Part of me feels bad for him because he feels sick, but another part of me is grossed out. Many times I wish I were more like him, able to do it when I really feel the need. He is also really sweet and is the type that would hold my hair back and stroke my back. Ugh! I shouldn't even think of that. I feel bad because when he's sick, I definitely couldn't get that close to him.

[Sansora]

Thank you for your replies, they're very helpful.

[jguerrero87]

I know how you feel... it is worse hearing a man v* than a woman.. for some reason they are alot louder. Let him know how you feel if you can, in a calm manner so this way he doesnt feel attacked. You can write down exactly why you feel that way and how its hard to control at times, this way he can understand you better when if you get angry again about this, thats if he doesnt already....

[Midge]

I had the same thing happen last week with my husband. I felt so bad as I ran to another room farther away with my fingers jammed in my ears.

My biggest issue is that my husband tries to cure me of it all the time by pretending to be sick, or pretending to gag, or simply making the noise. I don't have a problem when he's actually sick. He really can't help it, and for someone who isn't emetophobic, being sick can be a relief. It allowed him to rest and get healthy again. One of the best things to do is realize that except in cases of extreme unhealthiness, usually this kind of sickness lasts less than a day. Appetites may take a few days to return to normal, but all the v*ing occurs in a 12-hour period and that's it, usually.

What drives me crazy is when he's not ill and he pretends to be, because he knows it makes me antsy and creeped out.

[hairyfairy]

Im so relieved to read these posts from people who feel like I do. I often wondered if I had some kind of serious mental defect apart from emetophobia, as I have always felt strong disgust, even hatred in some cases, for someone who is vting. I always think" I can fight it, why can`t you?". I don`t believe that people can`t help it, because in most cases, vting can be prevented, as I have almost always won when I fought nausea in the past. The thing wheth men is that they aren`t ashamed or bothered by vting, they will even brag about it. there are a few exceptions, of course, as some of our members are male.

[ButterfliesInHerEyes]

While I do understand your "disgust" (which btw I think is fear disguised), the truth is that if a person REALLY has to vomit, they cannot fight the nausea and they can't be quiet about it. It's not like having a bowel movement where you can hold it until you get home, and then control things down there so you don't let a huge loud fart rip or something lol. You know what I mean.

We emetophobes can fight (and win) our nausea because most of the time, while the nausea IS real, it's a result of our anxiety/panic, and not because of true illness. If you get a stomach flu or food poisoning or something and your body HAS TO get rid of it, there isn't much you can do to stop it from coming out one way or the other, or both - often not even anti-emetics work.

So yes, while it's really scary to hear/see/be with someone who's being violently ill, being angry at them and feeling violated is not an acceptable response... not even for the worst emetophobe. At some point WE have to realize that WE are the problem, not them. And we have to work on our hugely irrational issue(s) instead of trying to control the world and everything/everyone in it. Unless we do this, we will forever remain slaves to this fear and never have any peace because, let's face it, unless we want to go live alone in a cave somewhere, people are going to vomit! And that includes us sometimes too.

[coolpk2003]

I totally understand. Let me set this up... My husband and I were visiting relatives in Columbus for the weekend back in October and there is a big Festival down there that they wanted to take us to. Of course I was a little apprehensive because already people I knew were passing the stomach bug around and in a place like that there is no avoiding people. Anyway, we went and mainly it was a place to get food it was literally 10 city blocks of food vendors. We all got snacks...I got deep fried cookie dough which by the way is excellent My husband got Fries. I ate my cookie dough with a fork so I wouldn't have to use my dirty hands to touch anything but when my husband got fries I pulled out the sanitizer and used it before I ate any but I couldn't convince him he should use it too so he didn't and I told him you will be sick for doing that. He laughed at me and said he wouldn't get sick. Well come monday morning we were getting ready for work and he comes in the bathroom and told me he wasn't feeling too good. I told him he'd be fine (because I didn't want to admit he was getting sick) and so he got in the shower. I heard him gag a few times in the shower but I figured he was being dramatic haha. So he got out said he still felt bad and was going to go lay down and possibly stay home. I kissed him on the cheek told him good bye and told him to get ready for work. Within minutes of me leaving he texted me saying he had v*. I was totally freaked out and I got mad at him and told him that he shouldn't have ate this weekend without washing his hands. He said he lysoled the bathroom and I said well that's not good enough it needs a thorough cleaning. I told him to stay in one room and not be wandering around the house but it was too late he had been in every room and touched everything and used multiple blankets to cover up with. He only got sick that one time but for me it was enough to send me panicking. Of course all that day I felt sick too and was sure I'd get it. I went home and I stripped the bed and washed every thing and I cleaned the bathroom so thoroughly it was ridiculous. I'm sure I blew up on him a few times and told him we don't get sick in this house and that it's uncalled for, etc... I made him eat to prove to me he could keep something down and that he wasn't still sick. I'm a horrible wife and i hate myself for being this way but I get totally freaked out. Okay I'll shut up now hahaha.

[Sansora]

While I do understand your "disgust" (which btw I think is fear disguised), the truth is that if a person REALLY has to vomit, they cannot fight the nausea and they can't be quiet about it. It's not like having a bowel movement where you can hold it until you get home, and then control things down there so you don't let a huge loud fart rip or something lol. You know what I mean.

I can accept that sometimes people get to a point where they can't fight it, but the notion of not being able to do something to control that noise is beyond me and I simply don't believe it. I have that sort of control and it is easy.

We emetophobes can fight (and win) our nausea because most of the time, while the nausea IS real, it's a result of our anxiety/panic, and not because of true illness. If you get a stomach flu or food poisoning or something and your body HAS TO get rid of it, there isn't much you can do to stop it from coming out one way or the other, or both - often not even anti-emetics work.

I have come through stomach flu without giving in to the nausea. I cannot accept other people's lack of control. I suppose this is something that I need professional help for.

So yes, while it's really scary to hear/see/be with someone who's being violently ill, being angry at them and feeling violated is not an acceptable response... not even for the worst emetophobe.

Saying something is unacceptable will not make feelings go away. That is not at all helpful.

[ButterfliesInHerEyes]

I disagree. The two times I have vomited, I could neither control where it would happen (it was purely by luck that I was home and close to the bathroom, otherwise it would have ended up all over the floor). And the noises that came out of me, they were 100% out of my control because the vomiting was so forceful. If you have the ability to control that, then you certainly have a very rare gift. But all the people I know - emets and non-emets alike - always make noise when they vomit and they don't always have time to even make it to the bathroom.

My response may not be helpful to you... but how helpful is your reaction to your boyfriend vomiting? How is that going to help your relationship or your life in general? I agree that perhaps you do need professional help. You'll never "like" vomiting or hearing someone else being sick, so being disgusted by it is normal... but to be angry at the person who is sick because their vomiting and noise that accompanies it is inconveniencing you..... come on.... get over yourself. And I say that as a person who was severely emetophobic for 25 years, to the point where I could not leave my home or eat anything for fear of vomiting. Now I'm recovered (except at the dentist). So I think I know a little bit of what I'm talking about.

[Rebecca85]

Butterflies- 'get over yourself'?? I thought the whole point of this site was to find support. I KNOW my reaction to other people vting is unacceptable, and in the cold light of day I can accept that, but in the midst of a panic attack all rational thought is lost, and your irrational mind takes over. I thought as a fellow emetophobe, you would know that.

[Sansora]

I disagree. The two times I have vomited, I could neither control where it would happen (it was purely by luck that I was home and close to the bathroom, otherwise it would have ended up all over the floor). And the noises that came out of me, they were 100% out of my control because the vomiting was so forceful. If you have the ability to control that, then you certainly have a very rare gift. But all the people I know - emets and non-emets alike - always make noise when they vomit and they don't always have time to even make it to the bathroom.

My response may not be helpful to you... but how helpful is your reaction to your boyfriend vomiting? How is that going to help your relationship or your life in general? I agree that perhaps you do need professional help. You'll never "like" vomiting or hearing someone else being sick, so being disgusted by it is normal... but to be angry at the person who is sick because their vomiting and noise that accompanies it is inconveniencing you..... come on.... get over yourself. And I say that as a person who was severely emetophobic for 25 years, to the point where I could not leave my home or eat anything for fear of vomiting. Now I'm recovered (except at the dentist). So I think I know a little bit of what I'm talking about.

You are a heartless cow and you should stay away from giving people advice. I have been put on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication which has not even started working yet and the flashbacks and nightmares are not something I can just 'get over'.

I don't think you are or ever were emetophobic. I hope you are a troll.

[harmonygirl72]

I am going to try to lock this thread. This site is not the place for name calling.