Depressed...

[person54321]

Sorry about the long post, I just need to vent since no one else will listen. I've been emetophobic since I was maybe 7. But not in the typical way. The thought that I might throw up never entered my mind unless I was already nauseous. I never thought about it. I had a terrible experience when I was 7 or 8, and that was the last time I got sick. I had only been sick two or three times before that. Of course when I got nauseous (which wasn't that often) I would panic. But as soon as it was over, it was out of my mind.

I had always been under the impression that stomach bugs were barely contagious. Not to be gross, but I never washed my hands. I would use the bathroom (and I even lived in dorms for seven years) and not wash my hands. I worked around children every day and never washed my hands before eating. I would drop things on the floor and then eat them. I would touch raw eggs and meat and not worry about contamination. And it never mattered. A stomach flu swept through my dorm freshman year of college and everyone got it. Every time I went to the bathroom someone was getting sick. Didn't really phase me and I didn't freak out. I think I washed my hands more, but I can't really remember. It mattered very little. I even caught it I think, and I was terrified for a whole night but managed to just stay extremely nauseous and not vomit. I know it wasn't anxiety, because that didn't used to happen to me. Like I said, I never noticed unless I was already feeling sick.

So in other words, I never took precautions and it never mattered. I even drank to the point of nearly having to go to the hospital last year (meaning I vomited profusely for over 24 hours) and I was fine. I figured I did it to myself, so it didn't frighten me. It was pretty bad, but in all honesty no worse than influenza and it was over much faster. Plus I was so drunk for most of it that I didn't care.

Then this year, everything changed. I moved in with my boyfriend into a small one bedroom one bathroom apartment. Within two months, he caught the stomach flu. For the first time in my life, I was scared of getting it. I began researching online how to avoid catching it and became aware of, for the first time in my life, the norovirus. Ever since I realized that there was this extremely hardy virus that was very contagious, my life has gone down the drain. I made myself nauseous all the time worrying. I began washing my hands til they bled. I overcooked my food. I became terrified of public places. Everything was suddenly unclean.

I just don't even know what to do. I keep trying to remind myself I never cared before and it never mattered. I would take the NYC subways, touch the handrails, then eat with my hands. I never took any precautions and I was still never sick (except for alcohol, which I feel is a separate issue from being able to stop yourself getting sick). But I just can't shake it. I can't go to therapy (I just can't afford it). I now have a small arsenal of pills, compazine, pepto, ginger, dramamine, ginger tea, peppermint tea, ginger candy, and a few joints in case it gets really really bad. I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I just need some support.

[olschesky]

sorry you're having such a hard time right now...........i'm glad you have all those past years where you seemed to survive like most people do.......you have got to just keep on reminding yourself of those days........i know it's hard but try.

i wish you would atleast go to a regular dr........mine prescribed me prozac for my obsessing over things and it really put my mind at ease.......almost like normal look for a clinic in your town......there are alot of free clinics or they base your bill on your wage amount.

fight really hard.......you can totally overcome this.......you have all those years of experience......don't let these irrational thoughts win........push yourself...everyday