I have been reading and re-reading this website for the past two days. I’m new to opening about this at all, so I’m sure this post will turn into a novel. J I’ve struggled with panic and some version of emet since I was very young – some of my earliest memories, even. My worried parents carted me 2 hours away to Pittsburgh to a specialty children’s hospital because I kept complaining of upset stomach. I cried the whole way, embarrassed. In my childhood I associated the panic to bedtime – I hated falling asleep, and dreaded it with a lot of the same dread I have for v* now. But the nighttime anxiety was coupled with nausea, always. My dad had terrible allergies and sinus problems at that time. His sinus drainage would be so bad during the night that he’d v* almost every morning. It was never a big deal. He’d be giving me a ride to school and cough and gag so much he’d pull over to v*. Shut the door, take a swig of his coffee, and keep going – all the while I was pinned to the inside of the passenger side door, terrified. He and I joke, to this day, that his tendencies are at the root of my current phobia… sometimes I wonder if it was.

I went through adolescence normally enough, the phobia was never too bad. In high school, someone v*’d in front of my locker and it sat there for so long, the stench permeated all my possessions – I’m not exaggerating, if you touched my text book, your hand would smell. But I managed – though if I think of going through that today, I doubt I’d manage at all.

As I approach and enter my twenties, it all escalated. But I kept it completely to myself – only my mom knew – because it felt so ridiculous. Not only the phobia, but the nature of panic itself. I’m a pretty laid back person who gets slapped in the face with a panic attack a few times a week. I couldn’t understand it, so how could anyone else? I started getting a little OCD when it came to food preparation and germs, but again, kept it to myself. It was only me who had to deal with my craziness, and I didn’t mind so much. I kept myself it check, and assured myself if it ever got out of hand, I’d see someone. My mother said to me once to be careful, someone prone to one phobia is prone to more.

After being through a couple serious relationships, I now seem to be settling in, living with my boyfriend for over a year, opening up about things and getting comfortable. I opened up to my roommate during college about all of this, she understood because she too had panic attacks – sometimes worse than mine. But right now, living with my boyfriend, this is the first time there’s been a second person who has to deal with this with me. A couple weeks ago I woke up to him v*ing in the bathroom. We still don’t know what caused it – he had d* for a few days but only v*’d that once. He has been sick before from dehydration (we live in Phoenix) and he delivers flowers all day, in and out of the heat. I’m betting it was that. I was obsessively careful with cleanliness and the bathroom that we share, but I was just waiting to get sick myself, for at least a week after that incident. He came out of the bathroom and at 3am, I was outside of the house, nearly naked, freaking out. That showed him what an issue this is with me. He felt bad for causing me panic, he said he should’ve gone outside or “held it in.” And that broke my heart. Someone should be able to v* in their own bathroom guilt-free! This phobia is now affecting much more than just me and I simply can’t let it continue. Luckily I got a new job with good insurance; I have an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in phobias, anxiety and hypnosis in August. I’m frustrated with my lack of control, but hopeful of finally seeing someone professional about this. It sure as hell doesn’t seem to be getting any better. My boyfriend is helping me see myself objectively, and shine some light on my behavior. He’s wonderfully patient with me, too.

So throughout my experience, I’ve been addressing the panic the whole time, while understanding and refusing to address the fact that the emet lies at the root of it. When I thought of treatment, I thought of ipecac and I’d rather just not even go there. First I noticed I had a sensitive blood sugar, so I’m eating better now. Then I noticed I felt panicky after I smoked pot, so I cut that out. Then they became infrequent but I had some xanex I’d turn to as a last last resort. I still identify the panic and the emet as strongly intertwined (often working as a vicious cycle), but still separate. I hope therapy will help me overcome one or the other. I don’t have the highest hopes because I’ve been dealing with it for so long, but it’s so comforting to read all of your posts and know I’m not alone. We are experiencing a lot of the same things together, which takes the level of crazy I feel down a notch.

I have a couple questions to pose, a few topics I haven’t seen addressed. I feel nauseous quite often, panicky or not, and I’ve started nibbling some candied ginger. It’s terrible tasting stuff, but it really seems to settle my stomach! I understand it could be the placebo affect, but let’s say for a moment that it’s not all in my mind - I’m curious if some of us may have a sensitive, yet strong stomach. I wonder if some of the things that would make another person v*, we tolerate either biologically, or with our minds.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that my body or mind seems to misconstrue certain sensations for others. For example, I’ll feel nauseous – but if I ask myself, “could I go kneel in front of the toilet and v* right now?” My inner answer is usually, “no.” And then I belch, or have a bowel movement, and feel fine. It’s almost as if every digestive sensation translates into nausea. Same with my panic – if I’m hungover one day, shaky, light-headed… I often feel panicky all day long. Or if I’m tired or any number of other things… it translates to panic. Sometimes I catch it in time and get it under control, so at least my self-awareness is growing.

Anyway, I could type forever. Thanks to anyone who made it all the way through this post! I think it was therapeutic just writing it. And thank you to everyone on this forum for not being afraid to open up and talk about their perceived craziness. J