Im a mess - OT

[kmarie]

I have asked my husband to leave...right now its for 2 days..he will come back and talk to me on saturday and we will go from there.


i cant believe it..im lost..im a mess...i love my husband with all of my heat..but i feel a need to be free and live life for me..im not sure if i want to be married any more...but i dont know for sure..


i think we will seperate...stay married..stay in contact..but he will move out. i think...


i have a massive choice..stay married to a man who loves me mroe then life its self (a man who i love right to death)...or not...one is the right choice and one is not..


right now...seperation..so nothings final and I can think..have time to live on my own..support myself..


all i can say is thank god i have therapy today...and I will go to my mom and dads tonight tow atch survivor (which i was going tow atch with john because its in Palau...which is off the coast of Guam..where he spent 2 years of his life and he has dreamt of going to Palau)...SO..i am going to have support today..


but god guys..what am i to do? I dont have a clue..and im more scared then i have ever been in my life...what if i make the wrong choice..what if I deside im wrong and that i need to be with my husband and then two months down the raod i break his heart by telling him its not working (again)...or what If i choose to seperate and see other people..and he falls in love with another woman and I realize i need him and have lost him.


i think we will seperate..maybe have little contact for a month..and then try hanging out..maybe date..try and re-kindle something...


im so scared...i have never cried so much in my life...i have never hurt so much in my life. i dont know what i will do..i just pray i have the strength to make it through this with the least amount of destruction as possible.

[parrotxoxo]

Why do you want to seperate if you are in love with each other? Edited by: parrotxoxo

[donna1216]

I am so sorry!!! I hope everything will turn out okay, maybe a separation will be good for your marriage!!! It might end up better than ever, think positively!! My husband and I seperated a year and a half ago, we decided to pursue Christian counseling, and we're back together, (pretty) happy, expecting our third baby!!! I will pray for you!!

[kmarie]

I love my husband..but things have been very very ahrd on us..he has taken far to long to move into the role of husband..not putting me first..or close to it at times..but thats just part of it. We are so young..i have never lived life for me..i was Kayla... Dick and Dottys Daughter..and then I became Kayla...Johns wfe...I was never..just.. Kayla...i never went out with friend...i never went to parties...i didnt date around..i was never wild..i wont even be completely wild..i dont drink or do drugs..or have one night stands...bt i have a need to be ME..and just ME...


im scared to live alone...im scared i cant afford it..im scared to be alone..and i think thats whats holding me back..i love my husband but im afraid i am not "in love" with him any more...but I dont want to stay with him and be unhappy just because im scared to be on my own!...but my mind is torn..do i love my husband and not want to do this because i will loose him..or do I not want to do this because im scared of change.

[SimplyMe]

Aww, I'm so sorry you are going thru all of this. I know you have ha a lot of stress on your marriage lately, do you think that may have soemthing to do w/ this? I have a friend who married fairly young and went thru much of what youa re now. She felt a little tied down but they are still together and she is expecting their 2nd child so it is workable. Actually they may have ended up separated had she not found out she was pregnant w/ her first child. But truly if you do love each other and are meant to be together than you will and it will work out no matter what. Just take this time to yourself and really think and soul search about what you really want. I can't imagine being in your position but from what I know of you you area very strong person adn very sweet you will do what is right in the end. I can sympathize w/ the "what if I choose wrong" but really in things liek this I'm not sure there is a right and wrong, you have to do whats in your heart and your gut and no matter what happens you will be OK. Good luck sweetie and keep us posted!

[kellybean]

I'm so sorry Kayla, I hope you can find what you need.Hard times in a marriage often bring the couple even closer together. Your parents are there for you and so are we. Don't ever feel like you are alone.

[princessmel]

Oh Kmarie. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. It really sucks. I've been having marital problems ever since we moved to Florida, and it's heartbreaking. I hope you two can work things out. Maybe you're not in love with him, but you know you do love him, right? You two just need to find what brought you two together in the first place. I understand what you said about it's never been just Kayla b/c that's how I am too. It's never been just Melanie. I'm afraid of change and being lonely too. Not so much lonely anymore though. I lived with my parents until I was 27 and then moved in with my fiance. I've always had a boyfriend, but I was never without one. I always felt like I needed one though. Now that I'm married, I realize that he has a life of his own and so do I. I just need to find things that interest me. It's hard right now on me b/c I have no friends here. We just moved. He's working fulltime and there are tons of employees that he gets to hang out with all day. Actually, I get a little jealous b/c of that b/c he's meeting people, and I'm not. I'm working at a title company parttime, and I have been looking for a fulltime job. I only work with one other person. He doesn't understand why I want to work fulltime. I don't want to have to depend on him, you know? I want to make my own money, but in turn, it is his also. I just want to meet people and be able to go out and have fun. Our situations are a little different, but they are similar too. I hope you work things out and find happiness. If you would like to e-mail me, you can. My e-mail address is [email protected] I'm having a hard time too. Feel better girlie. Do something fun or that makes YOU happy. Mel

[carmagnet]

I hate to sound like a pessimist, but I dont think there is a man alive who puts their wife before everyting else at all times. Men are dumb, all of the problems I have had with men in the past, is that they are ALL the same, they don't think before they talk, they can't do more than one thing at a time. VERY short memory span. don't pay attention. there is ALWAYS something more important than me two of the men was their bands. the other was his car, some it's work. some it's MOMMY. I honestly don't think us women can win when it comes to them.

[princessmel]

I think you are right Carmagnet. Guys are just plain stupid except for my dad that is.lol They can't do more than one thing at a time. That must suck. I wouldn't want to be like that, you know? Things need to get done around the house. I don't know. Right now. I'm just annoyed with my husband. All he cares about is workwork work. It gets annoying. So, I'm starting to do my own thing now. [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]Make myself happy. I'm the only one who can do it anyway.[img]smileys/smilies_39.gif[/img]

[2jo2]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I will pray that you find what makes you happy. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Perhaps a separation will give you two a chance to see things from a different perspective. Take care of yourself.

[kmarie]

thats just it..i need to make myself happy...john tried..hard...and he does make me happy..but i feel i could possibly be happier..the thing is...do i give up being happy..for the chance of MAYBE being happier?


John says he will always love me and will take me back in a heart beat..but you dont know...he may get very mad and sever all ties with me...i almost wish he would...it would make things easier if he wanted this too..ya know?


this all falls on me..i have to deside whats best for me..but at the same time..the choices i make dont just effect me..my husband now has to find a place...and handle money on his own which he has never done...i dont want to hurt him..but i think it would be good for him to live on his own..pay his own bills...i think it would help him respect me more...because i always handled everything..he would HAVE to clean his place...im not there to do it...once again..finding a greater respect for me.


i know he loves me with all of his heart and will do anything to keep me as his wife...but i have been his wife for almsot two years...and i more often then not feel like his mom..not his wife...part of this is because of the way my husband is...he doesnt know how..or doesnt want to assume the role of husband...he wants todo fire fighting and ems..and watch tv...and play games..he doesnt want to help around the house (even if it means making me a happier healthier person..he still wouldnt step up and o it at times)...he doesnt want responsibilities that come along with being a husband...


i am thinking a month or two of very little contact..and then we work into a relationship...or friendship slowly..maybe try "dating" because when we were dating everything rocked...its when we got married that things changed..so maybe marriage isnt for us. i dont know...


i have never been in so much pain before in my life..i hurt inside so bad...and i am physically drained..i will be happy when my tears dry up..because they wont stop flowing...never have i been so scared...for so many reasons....


i have been told that a seperation might just be the thing we need...but what if its not?

[alliecat]

You know, I am dealing with the same exact thing with my boyfriend now. I mean, I guess that makes things less complicated than what you're dealing with, but I can still totally relate. We've been living together for over a year now, and I'm just so unhappy all the time. I'm pretty sure he's unhappy, but he won't spit it out unless I strangle him to say so. I can just tell by his mannerisms and facial expressions. We've been getting irritated with each other over the stupidest things. We're drifting apart because of all the things I'm going through. I just quit my job, mind you, I did that for me... and I know it was going to make things difficult, but I had to do it. We're spending less and less quality time together. We're having fewer and fewer intimate moments. But its hard to feel good about anything when you're feeling so crappy about life. So I've made the choice to move out and go back to live with my mom.I am scared because I haven't been away from him for more than a day at a time in the past year and a half. We've been together for just about two years, and believe me, neither one of us ever thought things were going to get this way. I haven't cried more about the possibility of hurting someone ever in my entire life. The fact that we may not end up working out scares the CRAP out of me. Its causing much hesitation in my leaving out apartment. I do love him more than anything, and he loves me more than anything too. He's tried everything in his power to make me happy and prosperous. But nothing is working. The situation is just too stressful. But then that questioncomes up... are we really IN LOVE? Or do we just love each other? There is a huge difference, and I don't think either one of us is sure about it.


Anyway, so I completely relate to what you're dealing with. Every thought that you have written here has also gone through my head. If you need or want to talk to me about this, my AIM screen name is GreenEydGlare, Yahoo is [email protected], and MSN is [email protected]. My email is the same as my yahoo ID. Good luck hon... everything will be okay.


Allie

[jesskali]

Kmarie,

My husband and I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary in December, so I haven't been married long either. I was 23 when we got married and am 25 now. We dated about 9 months before we got married, so we didn't have a lot of time to really get to know each other.

Marriage is very different from dating. When we were dating, everything was so wonderful and he would do anything for me. Our first year of marriage was bittersweet. Although, we were so happy to be married, we bickered and argued about everything. We came close to "calling it quits" a time or two but I don't think either one of us were serious. Our second year of marriage was much better--still some arguments, but not nearly as many. Now, we make it a point not to fight and we really consider each other's feelings. Everyone told me that the first year would be the hardest, but many other people told me that it took them about 3 years to really settle down.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this may just be a "phase" in your marriage. I know you've been dealing with a lot of personal issues which are causing you a lot of stress. You may very well just need some space right now.

As for him putting you first,hmmmm,that is a familiar argument. My husband is an engineer and works 12+ hours a day. I am well aware that his job comes before me, although he continues to deny it. We spend all of our free time together, but I worry about the effect his long working hours will have on our future children.

I believe that men are unable to love the way that we do. Their idea of love and ours are just different.

Please do some soul-searching and be certain of your final decision. I wouldn't want you to do something you might regret later on. Just remember that marriage is not easy, but you do need to be happy.

I will be thinking of you!

Jess

[kmarie]

thanks guys...thats all i can say..is thank you..i knew i coudl find the unconditional support i needed here.


i have emailed back and forth with my husband all day..he is just devistated.he will be staying with his parents for the two nights...


i knwo right now i dont want a divorce..but I dont know if i want to go back to being a married couple full swing just yet. ihave some serious things to deal with i my life..we need a little time appart to test our love...to gain more respect for eachother.


his mother emailed me..she of course has NO idea this was comming and doesnt udnerstand it..she seems to think i dont realize the risks im taking...and she also doesnt seem to understand that her son is NOT a saint..mi knwo shes his mom..but come on..my mom is behind me 100% and loves me..but she also knows that i am a bitch at times and can be hard to handle...its the truth..she see and accepts it...his mom doesnt..and what she also doesnt realize..is my husband is the way he is because of her...god..had they actually raised him right in a loving normal hosuehold..none of this may have happened...he would have been taught to do chores...and handle money..and treat your partner with the utmost respect..grrr..i have never really liked her..and this has not helped.


anywho..im going to therapy...going to moms...going to bed...then going to work..taking it 1 hour at a time...thinking ahrd.


also..there is one thing that i NEED to do..and it may hurt my husband..i just realized this last night... back..my last year in HS i dated a guy..he was older..but we had an awesome relationship...best id ever had really....and then something happened..and he never saw e again..he just ditched me..and i have not recovered from it...there was no closure..and i need that closure...i dont know why he stopped seeing me..calling me...carring for me..and I nee to knwo so I can move on. he has been in Iraq for the past year...he came home sunday..i saw him last night..at a local store..i didnt talk to him ebcause john could see me..and i didnt want him to freak..but i need to talk to this guy and gain the closure i ened to give myself 100% to another person. i dont want anything with him again..just a reason...closure...


i dont want you gusy to think ibooted my husband out just so i could talk to that guy either..ebcause my choice for at least a seperation was made tuesday night...and i realized i needed to talk to aron lastnight after seeing him.


im off to get ready for therapy...wish me luck..its gonna be a rough one. though i think my tears have dried up..

[Galadriel]

Hey Kmarie,


I think time to think about it and get your head clear is a good idea. Don't do anything rash yet and totally sever it tho. I know you have had some rough times, and it sounds like you need a breather to really think about this and what he means to you and how you want to proceed. I hope this break allows you to really find out what it is you are after in life, and to get things straight and come back with a fresh start.

[-celeborn-]

also..there is one thing that i NEED to do..and it may hurt my
husband..i just realized this last night... back..my last year in HS i
dated a guy..he was older..but we had an awesome relationship...best id
ever had really....and then something happened..and he never saw e
again..he just ditched me..and i have not recovered from it...there was
no closure..and i need that closure...i dont know why he stopped seeing
me..calling me...carring for me..and I nee to knwo so I can move on.
he has been in Iraq for the past year...he came home sunday..i saw him
last night..at a local store..i didnt talk to him ebcause john could
see me..and i didnt want him to freak..but i need to talk to this guy
and gain the closure i ened to give myself 100% to another person. i
dont want anything with him again..just a reason...closure...

Sister its none of my business, so keep taht in mind as you read.



I agree with the break with your hubby to let your head clear some.

sometimes we all need that at times.



But this thing with this old flame is a mistake.



YOu made commitments to your husband, and if you arent putting him away NOW, then you need to stay away from this other man.



I can promise you as a man that even if you and your hubby do stay
together, if you spend time with this other man, your husband is most
likely never going to be able to forget about it.



If your husband is not doing his job, then separate for a while.



But going to this other man under these circumstances is just not right at all.



Give you hubby a chance to think about things.



Do it the right way so if you do end up divorcing, you know you behaved honorably until the end.



[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[donna1216]

I have felt what you are feeling now--I just realized that I hadn't been married that long, Greg and I have only been married 3 1/2 years. We're a little older, but I think everyone has those feelings at around the same point in their marriages-- marriage is HARD and nobody said it was easy!! You need to remember your vows (not to be harsh, but speaking from experience, I can say this) and when your husband isn't meeting your expectations, WORK IT OUT--your husband seems really reasonable. I think that the idea of you 2 going back to DATING, is a very good idea, let him make you fall in love with him again!!! I think that if you put 100% effort into it, it will work out!! I am not at all against seperation, it saved my marriage, but you need to have an open mind and heart about it!!! And, also speaking from experience, as I was being pursued and PURSUING a guy from high school 2 yrs. ago, DON'T EVEN LET IT BEGIN!!!! I think you would regret it later!

[redapple]

kmarie we can
tell that you really care about your husband. I think this
separation could be really good for you both to clear your heads and
realize how to fix what is missing in the relationship. just
encourage complete honesty in your relationship, even if it hurts, let
each other know what you expect and why you expect it. from the
sounds of it, you two care about each other enough to work this
out. it'll take 100% effort from you both, and it sounds like
your love is strong enough to make you both willing to give that, once
you've had some time to de-stress. about the ex...i
definitely can understand wanting closure. i just don't know how
you can pursue that closure right now without hurting your
husband. i wish i could be more help. everything will work
out, take some downtime to lay on the couch and cry, but at some point
move on from the initial pain and turn that crying time into thinking
time.



hope you're feeling a bit better.

</span>

[mitch4133]

How are things going? I hope you are doing well, let us know.

[crazybeautiful]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.


I don't want to sound rude...but i remember reading in other posts how young you are. I find this frightening, getting married, commiting, having kids, ect at this young age. I'm 20...and I can't imagine being married. I know everyone is different, but it sounds like you need some time to yourself.


My mom was like that...she wed her first boyfriend (my dad) went right from her parents house to her house with my dad (when she was 20). She has no regrets and they are still together...but I know what you mean when you said you haven't really experienced what is out there.


Anyways, I wish you luck, and hope you figure out what you need to do. Take care.

[kmarie]

Well this is nightfour alone..and im doing ok.Thursday was HARD as HARD can be.... knowing my husband was not comming home was crushing....but i knew it had to be done.


therapy on thursday went extremely well...my therapist was extremely supportive..and we came up with a plan....


john came over yesterday and we talked...when he came over he was dressed vert well..hair mdone..with rose in hand we had a great talk..i desided i wanted a month of seperation...so..we got him checked into a local motel efficency...i went along with him when he went grocery shopping....we parted ways and then last night he picked me up and we went on a REAL date,...and my god guys...we had the BEST time....we laughed like we have not laughed in months...he dropped me off and went to his place. he came over for a little while today to help me clean our rabbits..and then he headed to his place...


we are going week by week....taking it one day at a time really...its hard not having my husband here...but..it know its what is best.


he has changed so much already...he is seeing a therapist tomorrow...he was against me seeing one...and was DEAD set against himself seeing one..but he called our insurance co. and called around and made himself an appointmnet...he has figured his own budget...its amazing!!


so..its hard..but i am ok..and i think we are ok...we both want to be marrid to one another..whatever it takes...we are willing to do it...so..it will happen...but..if for soem reason...down the raos..it dosnt...i know I can take care of myself...and i know that i put all of my self into saving this relationship.


as for the other guy...aron...i had NO interest in getting back with him..what i wanted waws his reason for the end of the relationship..for closure...but i desided i could give myself closure..i didnt need his reasonor excuse..i just needed to realize that it really didnt matter...because of him..i was able to meet my husband..so..thats all i need for closure...if some day i run into him in a store and he apologizes then thats cool...but im not hunting him down...hes not worth the time and effort...unlike my husband!!!!


thanks for the support guys..it really means the world to me...

[Galadriel]

Hey Kmarie!


I am very glad things are going better already! It sounds like this is good for both of you, your husband sounds like he realizes this is serious, and is taking his own steps to make it happen, which is a great thing. I am also glad that you have decided not to seek this other guy to talk to. Don't worry about that, just concentrate on what you have now, and focus on working on it. You sound like your doing great!