Read this if you want to recover. IT CAN BE DONE!

[Verity]

Hi guys,

I've got a new account because I can't seem to access my old one. Anyway if you read all my old posts by Verityvee you will see how bad I was. I'm not exaggerating... I nearly wanted to die because of my constant fear and thoughts.

Anyway enough of the OLD me but onto the NEW me

I'm not recovered by any means... so lets just get that straight. However I cannot explain how far i've come! I'm a new 18 year old girl with a new life to live! It's amazing! The best thing is.. even though i'm not quite there yet I know exactly how i'm going to get there and I know exactly what I need to do i've just got to practice and let time pass in order to reach full recovery.

From the beginning then...
I decided enough was enough last October when I relapsed into a anxiety circle of fear for the 4th time in my life. I'd asked for help many a time from my doctor etc but I never got the right help just loads of medications etc. The only way I got proper help was when I walked into my GP's office shaking and crying saying that If I didn't get put into a mental hospital then I wanted to die. That now seems like forever ago!!! I don't want to die at all now! I've realised how stupid anxiety is and how much it bluffs you! YES! It is just BLUFFING you! There is nothing actually wrong with you or your mind... you are just trapped in a fear - adrenaline - fear cycle. It's so simple! I used to think I was a complete F**k up! I've got anxiety, panic attacks, emetophobia, IBS, OCD and many more problems, but they are all so closely related.

I still feel anxious and have panic attacks a lot of the time but the change is that I don't really CARE that much. I will go and do whatever I want to do whether it will bring on a panic attack or not. I'M IN CONTROL not my panic...
I sometimes find it hard to have a panic attack. That sounds rediculous but because I know why every single symptom is happening to me and how all the symptoms are normal and harmless I just CAN'T be scared of them and so therefore there is no mounting panic! Because panic feeds on fear... when you take the fear away there is nothing for it to feed on!

Seriously, you can ALL get better. I'm not entirely sure what helped me the most with my recovery so far but i'll tell you everything I did.

I have had 15 CBT sessions now with a lovely therapist who was a trainee on the NHS near where I live in Herefordshire. At first I really doubted her because my anxiety was just latching onto anything it could I was worried she wasn't going to be able to help because she had no experience or anything but I was SO wrong. She was great. I also paid £40 an hour weekly to see a hypnotherapist. She really helped me too. She was firm with me but she really helped me with my relaxation skills. She taught me how to relax properly. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I just remember turning into a new determined person... At the beginning all I would say was "I'm not going to get better... i never have done before so why would I now? I'm not strong enough" etc etc but I just one day became determined to get better.

I'll tell you now, the road i've been on for the past 7/8 months has NOT been easy. God it's been f**king hard. Some bits were easier but some bits were awful. If I'd of known how much work and how much time i'd have to put into recovery i'm not sure I would of been able to start! But I did and I'm so proud of myself. I still have awful patches... infact at the moment i'm going through a setback. I've had stomach ache for a week and the doctor has just informed me it might be to do with the medications i'm taking. I'm just accepting that I've got stomach ache and adding NO more fear to it. A few weeks ago I would of been panicing 24/7 thinking i was going to vomit any second.

Another thing I realised is how little the emetophobia is part of all this... as soon as I started working on all my fears, my emetophobia just shrank and shrank because now i can cope with the anxious feelings I can do anything I want! I still struggle sometimes... i'm still working on exposing myself to the feelings because sometimes I still run from them. But I know what i've got to do.

The final thing that helped me was research and knowledge from books.
I bought lots and lots of anxiety books.
Some by Dr Claire Weekes, some just on CBT. They were all so helpful.

Basically if you want to ask ANY questions feel free.
The way forward is -
Believeing you can recover,
Accepting your anxiety,
Exposing yourself to your anxiety,
Knowledge of your anxiety that it will never hurt you however bad you feel,

Finally the most important thing is determination.
If i didn't have my determination I would of given up months ago.
You've got to be able to take TINY steps forward and expect big massive setbacks to come hurling at you full blown! and you've got to be able to pick yourself up from those setbacks and KEEP GOING. It's a lot harder to do that than it sounds. DON'T DESPAIR.

Anyway sorry for the rambling but i just wanted to come on here and give you guys HOPE because it can be done.

Good luck for any of you trying to recover at the moment. Trust me, even when you feel you are at your worst moment you will come out of it STONGER and more prepared for it next time.

Anyone can recover you've just got to decide to and REALLY decide to.

[Elski]

Wow, I remember you! It's FANTASTIC to see how far youve come! You're making an amazing recovery it'll be great for people who are where you used to be to read this and see what's possible and also for people who remember you to see you doing so well now!

[Verity]

Hi Elski,

I sometimes cannot believe the things I say now! When I read that post I thought "wow... I have come so bloody far!"

Haha, anyway I remember you were starting CBT about the same time as me? How is it going? Are you on the road to recovery as well?

[becca44]

Well done you! Think you have just convinced me to ask my doc for therapy not just meds! I have always known that emet is a small part of my overall anxiety problems. Emet is like a leech, it feeds on our irrational fears and anxieties instead of blood. Keep going and beat it for good!

[Elski]

Yeah, that's right! Well, I finished CBT a few weeks back and after 14 sessions it 95% cured my OCD which is more than I could have ever wished for. It didn't really do much for my emet, but I didn't really expect it to, to be honest. Having said that, my emet has improved hugely recently (I'm hoping that's not just because it's summer though). It's so great to see you doing so well sweetie

[Verity]

Becca - Seriously do it! Do you live in the UK? If so just go to the doctor and literally FORCE him to refer you for CBT. If that cannot be done, order some anxiety self help books off the internet. "Dr Claire Weekes" is my favourite. She is amazing!
You can do it! I'm only 18 and I had no hope at the beginning and I did it! Anyone can
If you want to ask any questions please ask

Elski - That's great that it nearly cured your OCD! 95% is amazing, I don't think we are all ever going to be COMPLETLEY free of these things because it's a big part of our lives, we'll always have memory off the previous suffering we went through however we now know the way out! The CBT didn't help my emet that much either to be honest... I did exposure and stuff but i'm still scared of myself vomiting more than anything but I know I can cope with whatever now.

Thanks so much for your replies!

[becca44]

Verity, im in the UK but have an unsympathetic doctor, im thinking about asking to see somebody different and see if i can make any headway. But im going to go on Amazon now and order myself some self help books and see if i can crack it myself, life would be 100% better if i could!

[Verity]

Becca - where abouts in the UK do you live? Sometimes you can refer yourself without a doctor to a mental health clinic. I had to go through my GP which took 10 years for him to refer me and like I said, it was only when I had said I wanted to die that he did something. And now I realised I didn't want to die at all, I just wanted the endless fear and panic to die.
I really recommend Dr Claire Weekes' anxiety books. They are quite old as they were written a while ago but they are brilliant. Instead of anxiety she calls it nervous illness. Anyway if you want we could email privately if you'd like to talk about anything personal. My email address is: [email protected].

Honestly, you CAN do it!
I still can't quite believe it myself! :P

[becca44]

Verity, thank you for your email address and advice, im in West Sussex, mental health is not considered important here to our doctors or hospitals, a couple of months ago a friend of a friend went to the mental hospital about 10 miles from our village and said i need help, im very depressed, please admit me and help me, he was told to make an appointment to discuss it with his gp, they couldnt admit him, 3 days later he set fire to his flat and sadly died as a result. I would take the drastic approach with my gp but im sole carer for my disabled son, if i went to my doc with all guns blazing about seeing a therapist because of my mental health i would have the social workers knocking on my door within 30 mins!!! As a mother it is very hard what to say and how to say it to your gp when it comes to mental health (by the way both my kids are very well looked after and much loved) my anxiety never affects them unless they vomit and my son has actually helped my phobia with all the clinics, hospital stays and therapy centres we have visited over the years, you could call that exposure therapy! I had post natal depression with my daughter 15 years ago and was too scared to ask for any help as i was a teenage mum and petrified that they would take her away from me, i eventually got over it myself. I am going to have a bash at doing it myself, starting with books and relaxation.

[Cupcake x]

This is such a great post. It's nice to see someone who is so inspirational to everyone here

Keep up your awesome progress!

[Verity]

Hi Becca,
I'm sorry to hear about the poor state of mental health service in your area. To be honest, mental health services are pretty poor everywhere especially with things like emetophobia and anxiety based issues. It's a sad but very true fact. I can see your concerns about your son, however I really think to get better you should at least have a counseller or a professional just to talk to if not anything else. It really helps. Is there anyone in your family you could talk to? If not I really do recommend seeing a counseller whilst you try to recover. It sounds like you work quite hard looking after your son. Is there any chance of maybe getting a part time carer to give you a break? When recovering you may become tired because of exposing yourself a lot and it sounds like you might need a bit of a rest! I work with young adults with special needs and there are some GREAT facilities out there you might not even know of! I'm assuming you get carers allowance and everything? I care for my Mum with Multiple Sclerosis so I know what it's like to be a full time carer and a bit underappreciated!

Anyway I hope i've helped!

[becca44]

Hi Becca,
I'm sorry to hear about the poor state of mental health service in your area. To be honest, mental health services are pretty poor everywhere especially with things like emetophobia and anxiety based issues. It's a sad but very true fact. I can see your concerns about your son, however I really think to get better you should at least have a counseller or a professional just to talk to if not anything else. It really helps. Is there anyone in your family you could talk to? If not I really do recommend seeing a counseller whilst you try to recover. It sounds like you work quite hard looking after your son. Is there any chance of maybe getting a part time carer to give you a break? When recovering you may become tired because of exposing yourself a lot and it sounds like you might need a bit of a rest! I work with young adults with special needs and there are some GREAT facilities out there you might not even know of! I'm assuming you get carers allowance and everything? I care for my Mum with Multiple Sclerosis so I know what it's like to be a full time carer and a bit underappreciated!

Anyway I hope i've helped!

Yes you have helped thank you! My son is Downs but only has learning difficuilties (no behavoural problems, thank god, he has just a few Downs associated medical ones) and is actually easier to look after than a normal kid, hes a smiley happy Downs. I have joined our local Downs Syndrome association and talking to the other parents made me realise that a lot of people out there have anxiety problems and its very well hidden by most, a lady i know sadly suffered a nervous breakdown looking after her Downs/Autistic son and 2 other young children, she got the care that she needed but was too afraid to ask for help prior to her breakdown as she felt she would be branded an 'unfit mother'. My whole family know about my emet and anxiety issues and that ive taken Seroxat for the past 11 years for it, i can talk to my Mother about everything and anything, she is a great help to me. Leo started school in April of this year which gave me some much needed 'me time'. When hes a little older i may consider a carer for him for up to 8 or so hours a week but only in summer holiday time as term time gives me the break i need. I get carers allowance and Leo gets DLA and i have learnt all the little bonuses he is entitled to from the other parents. I am actually a LOT better than i was 10 years ago, i was literally housebound for a while, talking about my fears with my parents and meds helped me live fairly normally since then, i only suffer bad emet if the kids are sick or i know a virus is going around our village and only suffer non related emet anxiety around the time of my period, ugh hormones! Sorry im really banging on about myself. It must be hard work caring for your Mum, MS is awful, my friends mum has it and she is in so much pain a lot of the time, apparently cannabis really, really helps MS sufferers, her husband puts it in home made chocolate cakes for her, they also spend winter in Thailand (lucky them, if only we could escape to the sun to escape Noro!) Thank you again for your support!

[Verity]

Glad i've helped a bit! Does the Seroxat help? I'm on prozac which is very similar, however i'm cutting down now and hoping to gradually come off it I don't think it helped THAT much to be honest... you don't need drugs to recover however some drugs can really help.
Anyway you can do it!
Keep talking to people!
You can always email me
Good luck!

[Mumof2]

What a great positive post thank you

[becca44]

Glad i've helped a bit! Does the Seroxat help? I'm on prozac which is very similar, however i'm cutting down now and hoping to gradually come off it I don't think it helped THAT much to be honest... you don't need drugs to recover however some drugs can really help.
Anyway you can do it!
Keep talking to people!
You can always email me
Good luck!

Seroxat is amazing for me although i still suffer a little anxiety (i pop a diazepam if its too bad) i would like to swap to Prozac as it has less long term side effects, Seroxat bungs the old bowels up like you wouldnt believe, despite huge amounts of wholegrain, fruit and veg! I may speak to my doctor about changing, ive already experienced the awful withdrawal once before so know what to expect if i change drugs. Thanks Verity, i may email you about a more personal matter if you woulnt mind? Take Care. xx

[Verity]

I'm hoping to come off my prozac as it isn't helping hugely anymore. Also it's giving me stomach problems my doctor thinks so i'm going to gradually cut down and hopefully come off it! I'm going back to college in September so I want to stay on it until I get settled in and know I can cope then i'll probably come off. My doctor talked about seroxat with me but because i'm a teenager he wouldn't give it to me because it's had some real bad publicity about it making teenagers suicidal etc.

Has seroxat got worse withdrawal effects than prozac? I hope the prozac withdrawal effects aren't too bad! What were the seroxat ones like?

And yes email me! Anytime

Take care xx