So.. Every single day I'm scared. I'm scared when I eat, I'm scared when I drink, when I go outside the house, when I cuddle with my pets, when I'm going to bed and when I get out of bed. And I really, really can not deal with this anymore.

I've had this phobia for my whole life, my mom can tell me stories about how scared I was when I was little, so little I can't even remember. This phobia is ruining my life, I don't think it's fair.. Why can't I just live my life, happy and free, without having to worry myself sick every single day, all day long?

Last night, when I was going to bed, I felt really sick. I called my boyfriend and sat outside, and it slowly passed.. But I'm still scared that I'll get sick again, and I already are, but the sick-feeling from yesterday was different than just anxiety sick, if you know what I mean. I'm going out in two hours, and I'm going to be driving a car, and I'm gonna be an hour away from home..

My stomach is making noise and that always gets me scared. I'm shaking and I know there is nothing I can do about it, if it is going to happen - it's going to happen. I also feel that since it's been so long since I last v*d, I feel that the time is about to come soon!! God I hate my life.

I hate my life so bad, I don't even see meaning anymore. I really, really don't. There has been so many days in my life I've just wanted to end it all, and you might thing that my best friend committing suicide 2 years ago got me on other thoughts, but no. I just envy him for the courage, to be honest.. I know, it's awful..

But I can not deal anymore. I don't want to. Life is too much for me, I want out. :-(