Update on my situation... HELP.

[alliecat]

Hey Everyone... I'm going on my second day not dating my boyfriend. We are still talking on the phone exactly how we did before we broke up (i.e. "Hey babe, I love you, I love you so much, dream of me etc...). We still love each other and want to be with each other. We've been in this for just about two years, and I don't know how worth it it really is to break up when we still love each other so much. I told him last night I think I need a few more days to get my mind straight, but I know I want to be with him, right now. Who knows if that will change or not. But all that matters is the now. The only thing is this other guy. Like you said Carla, I feel like its something that I just need to get out of my system. He and I go way back. Like, we met when he was 12 and I was 13, we dated when I was 15 and he was 14. Of course, that is WAY to young to make anything work out. Being the immature guy he was at that time, he was a jerk to me for a while. But then that changed and we became friends. We talk and hang out and stuff, but never alone because I don't trust myself and he doesn't trust himself not to make a move on me. But... oy, I hate even admitting this... 3 1/2 years ago, I cheated on my bf before Steve with him, and he also had a gf at that time. They of course found out because we were all friends. :-/ How horrid is that!? But anyway, after all that, I vowed never to cheat again, and I think that might be part of the reason I asked my bf for a break at this point in time. I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Almost like I need to get with this other guy again to get it out of my system. Its like, for 6-7 years we've had this attraction for each other that doesn't seem to go away with time. I mean it does for a little while, then it comes back. This is why I don't know what to do! I don't know if he and I are supposed to be together, mind you, I don't know if I have *feelings* for him, other than sexual; or if Steve and I are supposed to be together. I feel like if I take a chance with Tom (the friend), then I'd be throwing away so much with my current, and if things don't work out, then I would have made the biggest mistake ever because Steve and I most likely can make this work out for the better. But I don't know... I'm stuck. I feel like I just need to get this out of my system and I will be okay, but what if it comes back again?Or what if we do get together and Steve finds out!? HELP! This is my dilemma.


Allie

[jesskali]

Allie,

It sounds like a very tough decision that only you can make. I can definitely see your dilema. You just have to go with what your heart tells you to do and just hope it is for the best. How does this other guy feel about you? Is there any potential for a relationship there or is it just physical desire?

I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better and to know exactly what to do. You will have to do some soul-searching and decide what is best for you!

Keep us updated!

Jess

[2jo2]

Hi Allie,


This happens to alot of people. Probably more than would admit it.... but you were doing the right thing with taking a break with Steve if you have feelings for this other guy. Esp. if you can't trust yourselves to be alone with each other. It sounds like there is really an attraction there. You don't want to be unfair to Steve when you head isn't 100% with him. Take a breath and try not to make any rash decisions. YOu said before that if you hook up with anyone else, it's over for you and Steve. You need to decide what it's worth to you. DO what's in your heart, listen to yourself, think of life and how you see yourself. My husband and I broke up one time early in our relationship, after about a year of dating and I honestly could not see my life without him, it was weird, it was like there wasn't a time when I could imagine him not being there with me. I just knew he was the one. I hope you can figure it out!


Josie

[alliecat]

Okay people... bit of a problem here. I just got home from hanging out with him and my friend... and before I left, we kissed... like totally made out. Mmm... as s***ty as it sounds, I think that I can keep this on the DL if Steve and I get back together. But now I'm even further in this rut as to what the hell I should do. I asked this guy if he had feelings for me or if everything between us is just physical, he said "yeah I do have feelings, but I don't want a relationship right now" duh. Neither do I right now, at least not with him, I was just wondering how he felt about me. But he just broke up with his gf of a year... and I'm on a break with my boyfriend of two years. But now... like I don't know what to do. I really want to be with my bf, but I really want to get with this guy. I think I just think too much.


Allie

[stella9]

Allie,



Why don't you lay off the guy thing for a while a just take some time to re-evaluate your life and what you really want.



Now I sound like a mother hen, but I am in my (uh-hum) thirties so I
have lived a bit longer that you and have more life experience tucked
under my belt. When I look back on my journey in this life, every
mistake I made that impacted my life was because of a guy. Some
of the mistake were worth making and life lessons were acquired, while
other mistakes left huge scars. My problem was I did not
have enough strength of character to say ENOUGH and walk away
from creepy situations. I always wanted to work things out so I
beat quite a few dead horses. Fortunately, I awoke from my denial and
realized that most people have their own agendas and how they treat me
is about that, not me. However, I don't have to take their abuses
while they work out their problems and use me in the interim.
Hopefully, I can convey some of this life wisdom to my daughter when
she becomes of age.



So on to you. I am guessing from the chronology in your post that
you are around 19 years old. What you may not be
aware of is this is a very pivotal time in your life. It is at
this juncture that you are setting the stage for how you will be
treated by people, including men, and how you feel about
yourself. It is also a wonderful time to learn about yourself
with clarity and honesty. I know, because I have walked in your
shoes. You probably feel that having the guy, this guy, a guy is
the be-all end-all solutions to all of life's questions.
Trust me, it isn't. When relationships start to go south, at your
age, they go from bad to worse. Why? Because neither party
possesses the maturity or life experiences to know how to troubleshoot
the problem(s) and resolve it/them. Instead, the problems go
around and around and around. Often times, other problems are
brought on board for a whole host of reasons, but the bottom line is
they become more straws for the camel's back. Throughout your
entire ordeal with your boyfriend, you need to factor in the immaturity
factor that is pervasive for a young man of his age.



If anyone would have given me this advice a zillion years ago, I would
have saved myself years of pain, grief and heartache. It wasn't
until I hit 30 that I had an epiphany. I know it is frightening
to be alone, but being alone does not translate into being
lonely. Lonely is being in a terrible relationship.



A relationship, whether it is with a friend or lover, should nurture
you. It should make you feel the best about yourself. If it
does not, then it is not where you should be since you will not find
comfort and solace only heartache. Please rethink what you are
doing and maybe take a break.



Stella