Beyond Hopeless.....

[terified girl]

You guys wouldn't believe how much I am beating myself up right now, I feel like tearing myself apart, and end this f***ing miserable f***ing life.


My brother is down from Ottawa, and I was so fine before I left to go to my mom's, on my way there, I started getting hot and feeling anxious and nauseous, I got there, said hello to everyone and left panicking.


But the ultimate worst part is that I was telling myself thats its probably because I haven't #2'd in a week and today it decides to reak havok in my life. My mom begged me to stay, just saying over and over, "please don't go", and like a f***ing coward I left, I'm now home, not so much nauseous anymore, but probably because I'm home now. I feel so damn bad for giving in to my fear and just hearing my mom's words is making me bawl and feel so guilty for not staying and making her happy to have both her kids with her since its 2 weeks she's been in horrible shape herself.


How do I let this go? How do I let the guilt go away? How do I forgive myself for making my mom sad and leaving my brother when he came to visit? How do I tell myself how stupid it was for me to drive 30 minutes there, waste all that gas to come right back, AND FOR WHAT???????????????? For this stupid f***ing fear??????????????


I don't know why I shouldn't just kill myself now and put everyone out of their misery over me

[mitch4133]

You can't think like that. You had an anxiety attack. That's all that was. It happens to all of us. I always get myself worked up overgoing somewhere, then I won't stay cause of my emet, and as soo as I get home, I feel better.


I know its hard, to deal with this fear. It can get the best of us sometimes. But you can't think that it would be better to end things. You are a great person, and you can't let this stupid fear win.


I wish I could offer more advice, but my head is very cloudy from the cold I have, and I can barely think.


Just know, you are a wonderful person, that has family, and friends that love you very much. You have to be strong, and don't let emet get the best of you. I know how hard it is, but you have to be strong. Your family will get over this, and so will you. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I wish I could help more.


Michele

[terified girl]

I'm actually feeling a little worse again, I'm a little nauseous and now I've gone twice and feel it again...


Do you guys think it's because I haven't really been going this past week? Or could it be the dreaded bug????


I took a gravol to help with my stomach but I know that if it is a bug, the gravol won't do nothing...

[japa]

It has to be because you haven't gone to the bathroom in a week. Are you one of the people who has IBS? It certainly sounds like it.

[terified girl]

Thank you for your kind words Michelle, we'll see how things go.


And I don't think I have IBS because I don't always have that when I panic, sometimes yes and sometimes no.

[2jo2]

I know exactly what you're feeling with the helplessness and wanting to just die. I felt that way a couple years ago, and felt just eaten up by this phobia. It was like I wanted so badly to crawl out of my skin but of course that's not possible. It's hard to describe, but it sucks and you're not alone. I had a similar experience about feeling as if I've let everyone down this Christmas. Since I got married and moved away and my brother is away at college, it's rare that my family gets to be together. Well I had an emet panic because my parents had been sick and then my brother came home from college for break and got sick too, and even though I let everyone down and just couldn't bring myself to face this fear, I couldn't go and didn't get to spend Christmas with my family. I hated myself. This fear absolutely takes away from life. Shortly after that I went into therapy. I also am in the process of getting my meds perfected, and that has helped me tremendously. I will not let myself get eaten alive by this phobia anymore. I still of course have relapses and life gets me down from time to time, that is bound to happen, as that's simply how life goes. Please don't tear yourself apart because you couldn't stay. I know the feelings you're having right now and it's fine to get angry at emet because it limits us so very much. You have this place to come on and scream and cry to us about how it's treating you, but you are worth so much more than this phobia. Please don't let it beat you. You deserve to live!!!!


Now about your intestinal issues, you haven't gone in a week and now your body is making up for it. Don't worry about going so much, I think it's normal.


I hope you're feeling better now. I'm thinking of you!!

[mitch4133]

I definetly think you don't feel well from not going to the bathroom. Constipations will cause nausea. Have you tried taking anything for the constipation? Just eating some greens, or even any type of fiber will help you be more regular. I know it sucks, and I know its hard, but be strong. I am thinking of you!! Feel better!!

[terified girl]

OMG I fell asleep about 30 minutes ago and just woke up with a sore stomach, I just burped, I hope thats all I needed because now I'm really freaking out.


We'll see


And I guess you girls know how it is when we start our patterns of not eating?! I was sticking to dry stuff for the last few days. Starting tomorrow, greens and fruit will become part of my diet.


Thak you guys so much for your helpful and kind words, what really helped me get through those feelings today was the fact that I really wasn't feeling well after I got home, so it wasn't really for nothing.


Thank you so much again, and have a wonderful night.


I'll try! Good night!


Sonia

[japa]

I wasn't really talking about the panic. I was actually wondering how often it is that you don't go to the bathroom for an entire week and then go several times in one day because that is a classic IBS symptom if it is something that happens often. IBS is a physical problem, not merely panic related. It could mean that you have physical issues with your stomach that could contribute to making you want to leave your mom's house.

[terified girl]

I was always the person to go, but I was never the one minute pit stop like my best friend who used to laugh at me. I always had to work at it and usually I had no problems. I think I only started this a few years back when I started working. Everytime I had to go, I was at work, and so I wouldn't go. From there, thats how it started, and the same with my current situation. Everytime I gotta go, I'm at work and I'm too shy. So I don't think its IBS, but maybe I'm wrong. Edited by: terified girl

[japa]

Yeah, I know how you feel because I am always too shy to go at work too; only if there were a bathroom on some other floor of an office building where I worked would I then go.


So yeah, I can see how being at work could contribute to that type of problem.