Depressed.....

[mitch4133]

I have been so depressed the past couple of days, I can't seem to shake this feeling. I have been feeling sick, so I haven't been eating much, and I just feel so blah. So yesterday night my sister convinced me to go out to the bar. Even though I had a horrible headache, I got ready and went. I felt pretty good, and I thought I even looked good, I haven't gotten all dressed up in months, so it felt good to do that, or so I thought. So we went to a couple of diffrent bars, and the 3 and last bar we went to, some girl made a comment to me, and it was hurtful. She said loud enough so I could hear, "look at how skinney that girl is, it's gross". My sister immediately got in her face, and I thought a fight was going to break out. I pulled my sister away, and we left. It's like, I know I am skinny, but do you have to make those comments? People find it nessecary to come up to me at the bar and tell me that I am sooo skinney. I am sick of it! I don't walk up to people and say, "you know you should really try eating less, cause your fat". I can't say that, cause I would get my a** kicked, but people can come up to me and tell me to eat a sandwich?? I have been very thin all my life, and all my life doctors have put me on "special" diets, and it never worked. Now lately with my emet, and me being sick, I lost about 15lbs. I know I am skinny, and I even gained weight and I fit back into some of my clothes, but does everyone need to annouce it? It just made me feel really bad about myself. And all day today, I have felt sick to my stomach, and I had to force food down my throat. I just feel like v*.


Why are people so cruel? I just can't deal with it. Some of you might think "oh yea, you have got a lot to worry about, being thin", but it does affect me. I think about how underweight I am daily. I just can't gain weight. Especially since I don't eat out anymore. I am just so sick of emet!! Why?? Why can't I just be normal?? A normal weight is all I am asking. I am sick of people talking about me behind my back and to my face. It just makes me so sad. I mean I am underweight, but not so underweight that I need to be in the hospital. My doctors don't even think I am that underweight.


I just can't take this anymore. I can't take not working, I can't take being sick, I can't take my boyfriend, and now I can't even go out and try to have a good time without someone making a negative comment. What's the point huh? I can't work, I can't even recover without developing an infection every other week. What the hell am I supposed to do? I always feel sick. I just can't find a point.


Sorry for rambling, no one understands how bad I feel about myself. I am just sick of everything.


Michele

[sillygirl]

I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I am the same way - probably about 15 lbs under what my "ideal" weight would be. I have only been at that weight once in my life, even when my emet hasn't been a factor. I am constantly told I am too skinny. A girl my husband works with actually convinced him I was bulimic. When he came him and asked meabout it I just laughed at him. Imagine me forcing myself to v*!


My doctors never seemed worried about my weight either until recently when I lost another 5 lbs or so - it's been a really bad winter for me. People at work are constantly asking what I brought for lunch. My boss even threatens to go buy me food if she doesn't see me eat. No one seems to understand! I would LOVE to gain a few pounds, but no matter how hard I try I just can't. I always feel too sick to eat, or I am scared of going out and grabbing some food someone else prepared.


I wish all of those people knew what we go through. It doesn't make you feel any better about yourself when other people point what you already know. Hang in there. I feel like I am always feeling sick too. There will be better times though!

[mitch4133]

Thank you, it's nice to know that I am not alone, and someone else knows exactly what I am going through. It just really sucks sometimes. I really do want to eat, and gain weight, but my emet sometimes gets the best of me and I convince myself that I will be sick if I eat. It just is so hard sometimes, I really wish people knew how hard day to day life sometimes is, and maybe they wouldn't say the things they say.

[ontariogirl]

Michele I know how you feel. Been there and some of the things I deal with I am still stuck. I don't get it either why people are so cruel, maybe its easier for them to put down other people to make themselves look good? Maybe they have the problem and it has nothing to do with you. Its like living in a small town like where I live, there is specific lady who I swear gossips about everyone, even people she doesn't know! But we all know that the she is drunk and got booted off driving the school buses for drinking on the job! Doesn't stop her! I just stay the hell away from her. People say to me you need to gain weight! Everbody is different, people don't seem to get that. Its like bullying in school yards, people go to far! It ticks me off. All the time and believe me I am not skinny. I feel fine, I have check ups at the doctor and everything is fine so in my mind I tell people off. Having this phobia starting at such a young age I find it so difficult to stand up to people and that includes family and friends and people I don't know. If you catch me on a bad day look out because I lose it. I want this phobia gone to Michele, to go out and enjoy myself, to wake up feeling great and off to work but I can't. It is so frustrating and I ball my eyes out. No one knows the pain that I go through (people close to me). I wish I could snap my fingers and poof this is gone, we all know that it isnt that easy. You are going through a hard time, you have hadyour operation, youare healing and you catch infections, I personally think you are a strong person because if that was me I wouldnt be as strong! I know I wouldn't be. I will pray for you Michele and if you need to talk PM if you want.


Thinking of you,


Rhonda

[swiftette]

Michele, I am so sad for you[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]I used to have the same trouble when I was younger(I am 33 now-Oh God did I just say 33?) When I was a child, I always got picked on for being skinny. When I became an adult people at work and people I'd meet would have no problem saying stuff like"Oh God your so skinny" and look me over. I felt so insecure. People that I was close to even would say these things. But I would ask them if they would go up to a heavy person and say "Wow you are enormous" They would laugh and say of course not, that somehow they thought that was different. I think it's all about 2 things 1) the're own weight insecurities and 2) respect. The only way someone is going to respect you is if you respect yourself. To make a long story short, who cares what "they" think-even if you do care- never show it. Be proud of who you are and love yourself. I was at my troops Girl Scout meeting (I am my children's leader) the other day and I over heard an 11 or 12 yr old little sh** say I was ugly. On the inside I was crushed, but on the outside I ignored it. What does he know? And I don't believe that I'm ugly! My husband does'nt believe that I'm ugly. And you have to know that you ARE beautifull! Look in the mirror. I know we ALL have flaws, but so do'nt diamonds right?What I'm really worried about is your feeling sick all the time. I used to be just like that too. I was diagnosed with anorexia at age 19. But when I look back, I know it was because of this phobia and a fear of eating, a fear of feeling full and of eating infront of people.Think of anxiety as a tree and each branch has a word. One branch says emitphobia, another says fear of eatting in public, another says obsessive hand washing, ect. We all seem to have this tree growing inside each of us. We just need to trim of one branch at a time.I am sorry for babbling but I wish I could help.

[jesskali]

I am pretty thin myself, Michele. I used to be about 50 pounds heavier and on the verge of being overweight, but then I lost about 30 pounds throught diet and exercise. After I got married, I got really sick with IBS,GERD,etc and lost another 20+ pounds. Right now, I am 5ft 6in and weigh 110. I had gotten down to about 106, but was able to gain a few pounds. My "normal" body weight is supposed to be around 130. Now that my stomach problems are better, I am really paranoid about gaining any weight.

Anyway, I know what you mean about people making comments. Many people that I work with make comments and call me stuff like "Twiggy". I will pass people in the hallway and they'll say "There goes Miss Skinny" or "Do you ever eat". I had one person to comment on my weight so much that it really started making me angry. It started out as somewhat of a compliment but then she kept on and on until it was almost an insult. You're right, people would be appalled if you said something like that to an overweight person.

I am sorry that you are feeling so depressed and that was terrible that someone would even say that at the bar. People just have no clue sometimes!

Jess