Life is just impossible...

[sarahx]

Hey everyone...


Im really at a low point right now, so i just wanted the chance to get it all off my chest i guess?


Im 30weeks pregnant, thats going great, but i am severely depressed and now my agroraphobia is way out of control, so much so that i cannot even step outside the house. Emet is awful, its on my mind constantly. I cannot stop eating at the moment and its really driving me nuts cos i eat fine, but then that night ill sit there and wonder if ive eaten too much and if thats going to make me ill?


I have been seeing my doctor regularly, i went to him 3weeks ago and asked him to put me back on anti-depressants, but i have to see a psychiatrist because im pregnant, i just got the letter today and the appointments the 27th june. I really dont know how im going to cope for that long? Because then if he gives me something, they take a couple of weeks to start having any effects. So im even more depressed today. Im having counselling which is ok, ive stopped CBT as it was just not doing anything for me anymore. But i feel absolutely alone. I only have my boyfriend and my parents as it is. My boyfriend has to work a lot and my parents i think are just tired of me as they have basically stopped seeing me?


I must sound like such a whinger, im sorry. But i dont have anyone to turn to and i feel so lonely. I am terrified of bringing another child into this hell. My 3yr old is suffering enough because of me. I feel unbelievably guilty. If any of you guys read this, please reply, even if its just to tell me to shut up. I just want someone to talk to, anyone. I really am in a deep dark black hole and i cant see a way out. Im scared ill start hurting myself again, and i dont want to cause of the baby. God i sound awful dont i? Sorry this is so long.


Love sarah xxx

[shiva]

Without trying to sound tooo lame, do you ever watch Oprah? She is always saying... "Don't think, just do.." I've seen her tell depressed mothers just TO get up, get out of bed, leave the house, spend time with the kids. Mothers will sit there and say that they adore and love their kids and would die for them, but they will not work on becoming mentally healthy. There is a part of me that agrees 100% with Oprah's mentality. The thing is, when you are in that deep, it just consumes you.. So, it's hard. It's possible, but hard. Not everyone is that motivated.


Please know that I am NOT coming down on you at all. I've been there with the agoraphobia. I've also been depressed many times. Pleasework harder with your counselor, usingtherapy as an option rather than meds, please... Don't put chemicals in your body while you are pregnant. If you are not on them now, just wait.. 10 more weeks.. Therapy will help you sooo much more in the long run. Medication is just covering up the issues. I am not anti-meds, but I am definitely for people BECOMING the best possible person they can be. You have children to set an example for. Show them the inner strength that is within you/them. Would you ever let your child say they couldn't do something? Don't let you say that to yourself. YOU can overcome both these issues. I am not saying it isn't hard, but it's certainly possible.


I hope things get better. And congratulations on the baby!

[kmarie]

Hey girl..sounds like you are really at a low point huh? I am very sorry you are going tgrough this..and feeling the way you are..


I wish I ahd a ton of spectacular advice to give you..but I really dont..all I can say is keep your chin up and do what you have to do to get yourself feeling better..your kiddos need their mommy...put your all into getting better...for them..and for you..


please take care..and know that we all love you here and are here for you if you need us

[swiftette]

I went threw a terrible depression when I was pregnant with my 2nd child too. My daughter was two, I got put on bedrest so I had to quit my job, we were living with my parents-uuugh, thank God it's 6 years later! But enough about me. YOU honeybunches need to demand a sooner apointment-if You feel it can'twait, your Dr. should be in agreement with you. Your hormones are probably doing a number on you. And it IS overwhelming to have a little one to take care of AND an unborn baby to take care of AND a boyfriend to take care of -AND(and this is a big and) YOU!YOU needsome TLC yourself!Don't worry about the food-I had a ball when I was pregnant with her because I never felt full!You won't be ill-it's just eatting for two. At 30 weeks your over the hump of having to worry about morning sickness. It is a very lonley time for you-but just like me-it will pass!I think first-you need to do something for yourself-nails done, a massage, even cheat a little and have a mocha latte( I won't tell). Then you need to do something for your littleone-like go to the park or even just walk the mall. The world is always going to be a scary place for us, but don't let your fears consume you. Life is too short and time is to precious. Cheer up. Okay???[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[2jo2]

I agree with Swiftette, try and get an earlier appointment. There is just no reason for anyone to have to feel like you are feeling. And your pregnancy will be just about over when the drugs start to kick in! They really should be able to help you sooner than that. Maybe see your therapist again and get your feelings out about the guilt you have. I have so much respect for you who become mothers despite your emet. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is. I hope you can get yourself up out of this depression. I'll be thinking about you. Let us know how you're doing ok?

[SimplyMe]

I agree w/ swifette too. The sooner you can get in the better. If you feel to shy to call yourslef get your b/f to do it, they SHOULD get you in ASAP considering you are pregnant and responsible for another life.


Anyhow I hope you get in and on meds soon so you cna start feeling better. Please keep us updated.

[samara's on tv]

I agree with everyone else on this. You should try to get another appointment. What I do iscall early each morning and see if there was a cancellation. Usually there is one but that's just my doctor. Don't start meds when you are pregnant. I'm on meds so it's not like I'm Anti-Meds either but try taking a walk or a long hot bath. I know it must be hard being pregnant and having a little one to care for (I'm not pregnant nor do I ever wish to have any kids) I admire people who can go through all of the ups and downs of pregnancy. Just hang in there is all I can say!


~Monica

[sarahx]

Thank you so much for the replies everyone.


I have tried desperately to get an earlier appointment, but i can't. Typical. I hear what people are saying, that i should just get on with it and go out, i mean its not like i havent done it before right? But its gone soooo way beyond that point. I mean seriously, i cannot even go into the garden to the bin. I just cannot leave the house alone. But if my boyfriends with me then i can go out, not very far but still, its nice. Trouble is, he has to work everyday, and then im still left with the responsibility of taking my 3yr old to nursery everyday. She hasnt been for a week now. And so the guilt carries on. Not only have i wrecked my life. but now im wrecking my daughters too.


I have tried my hardest, ive gone out, got half way down the road and had to come back. I just physically cannot do it, and im sorry for those of you who think it is possible to fix this on your own. I have tried, and failed several times now. Its not like im enjoying staying inside, i miss my family, i miss going shopping etc. I cant explain it, not even my boyfriend understands. Its like when i even think about going out, the panic starts, and its so physically draining, it actually is painful. But he wont give up work to help me. maybe im selfish for asking him to do that? And yes we might be broke but is that really important compared to my health and my daughters wellbeing?


Im so sorry for ranting again. I feel like no one in my family is listening to me. I am begging and pleading for help, but they just tell me to get on with it cause im supposed to cope, im a mum and im pregnant.


I would gladly go onto any meds they want right now, they wouldnt give me anything that would harm the baby anyway. And if it made me feel 10% better it would be heaven. My counsellor tells me i need the person i trust most (boyfriend) to be with me more, to take me out each day and build my confidence til im ready to try it on my own again. How many times have i told my boyfriend this? Hundreds, ive screamed it at him, ive cried for days hoping he would just help me. But all he says is what can he do? He has to work. And im dealing with all this aswell as emet.


So im at a crossroads in my head. Im not feeling myself and i swear i am going crazy. I am constantly crying and i really feel like im ready to die now. I would rather die than live one more day in this hell. Is that suicidal? Or maybe the sanest idea ive had for months? I dont know but something has to happen and it has to be now.


Again i apologise for the boredom im putting you through and i know theres nothing much any of you can do. Right now you are all i have. Sorry if ive depressed you all.

[kmarie]

oh sweety..i am SO sorry it has gotten this bad for you..i dont really knwo what its like..but i am SURE it is ahrd..and I know noone can expet you to just go out and get over it..i KNOW thats not easy and it doesnt work like that..you time and people around you to help.


Is it possible for you b/f to come home on lunch breaks and maybe then you guys could start out with a little walk? or mayvbe you can start working on it once hes out of work. Does he have any vacation time..maybe you gusy could do a week of intensive training?


just take it one step at a time..one day at a time...i bet once you have your kiddo things will honestly be a little better..i bet hormones are playing a huge-mongo factor in this..


no amtter what you are going to be ok..you WILL get through this..and even though its not easy on your kiddos..they will be just fine..you just need to work on taking care of you..and then you will be more apt to take better care of them...


dont ever worry about venting here..this is what we are all here for..


take care


Kay

[swiftette]

I feel so sad for you Sarah, I wish there was something I could do for you but your all the way across the pond. 1st your daughter: do you have anyone who could take her to and from nursery?I really don't think keeping her from school at age3 is doing anything to wreck her life. In fact, I'll bet she loves spending the extra time with you. Make that time count.Read books and color and play make believe-mabey it would help you too.2nd, What about having your mum and boyfreind come to councilling with you?It may help them to understand you more if they are hearing it from a trained professional that YOU NEED HELP NOW!3d You're not going crazy, you're full of hormones and worries and you feel like you're having to handle it all on your own, and you don't. We are ALL here to listen and lend support and advice-even if you may not agree with us-at least it's another perspective and it's very healthy to talk about your feelings freely. I'd NEVER be bored if someone came to me for help-I may not have all the right answers but I'll always be here to listen. And I won't pretend to completely understand how you are feeling but Ido go threw periods of agoraphobia and had a tough pregnancy and if there is ANYTHING I can do to help, I'll try. What I DON"T like hearing is:"Is that suicidal? Or maybe the sanest idea ive had for months?"Suicide is never a "good idea", think of your children. I KNOW it's hard right now but you have got to stay strong. You have all the strength you need right inside of you-only YOU can find it.

[nicki]

Hi


Im so sorry you are going through this, I dont have children myself but have been at the point where i cannot go out and needed my bf to support me but he couldnt be there for me.


I am not working at the moment (well as of tomorrow its my last day), and am on msn quite a lot, i could add you if it would help if you had someone you could speak to during the day (Im in the UK too).


Take care, Nicki

[Galadriel]

I agree that the "just get out there and do it" mentality is not for everyone. Opera may think thats okay for everyone, but it simply is not the answer for every person. I dont think it is a question of motivation, its just that for you, you need the help of others to help you through this. I am the same way. I could literally not do it on my own. Once I had real good compassionate help, things did a 180 turn. Theres no shame in that, its just people work through things differently. Do you like your therapist, and do you get along well? Maybe try getting your bf to come with you for one session, and explain to him that you need help, and have the therapist help too. I mean ok which is more important to him, money or making sure you are all okay and healthy metally? I understand paying bills and such, but I do think something needs to be done.

[sarahx]

Thanks again everyone.


I do get on with my therapist really well, but i find it hard to open up properly if theres someone there too if you get me? Im not really suicidal, but sometimes i wonder if i told my family and boyfriend this, they might actually sit up and take notice and start helping me? But thats a bit mean i know. I am just waiting to see my psychiatrist so he can put me onto some safe anti-depressants, i know they will make me feel at least a bit better.


Ive asked and asked my mum to come and take my daughter to nursery, but she refuses cause its only like 10-15mins up the road. She thinks im being stupid, but i really cannot do it. I didnt take her yesterday and i havent taken her today and it makes me feel awful. She loves going so much.


My boyfriend said he will give up work in a month if i still want him to. But i cant seem to get it through to him that i need the help now, not in a month! Its like nobody is listening to me?


Its been really good getting it all out on here though. You guys have made me feel a bit normal again!


Nicki, sure you can add me to your msn... [email protected] i look forward to chatting with you.