O/T: Anger Management

[jesskali]

This is totally off topic, but I know that I can count on you guys to give me some good feedback and advice.

I have some issues with anger management. This is mainly directed towards my husband when we get into an argument. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I just lose control. I start throwing things and being destructive in general. Otherwise, I am a very calm and mild-mannered person. I never have this behavior at work or with anyone else, just him. I guess he is the one person who can really set me off and push my buttons. It really upsets him when I start throwing things and he can't understand why I act this way. But, it is like I just can't control it.

We got into a big argument over something minor this weekend and I did something really terrible. We were driving down the road and I was trying to get him to pull over so we could talk and he kept on refusing to do so. Well, I got more angry by the minute and put the SUV in "park" mode while we were going down the road. Our SUV is pretty new, so this really upset him. Of course, immediately after it happened, I regretted it and wish I had never let my anger get so out of control. Now we have to have the transmission fixed in it. I also said a lot of mean things that I should not have said.

I have never been to any sort of counseling or anything, but I really would like to learn some techniques to manage my anger. We have an Employment Assistance Program where I work and I think I'm going to make an appointment with them. I'm really scared to do that though. I don't want anyone I work with finding out, because I am so calm at work they could never imagine how I could get so angry at times.

I'm just really anxious about this and need some reassurance. Am I doing the right thing or should I just try to deal with it on my own?

Sorry for the long post!

Jess

[jennyleigh1975]

Have you ever heard the expression, you hurt the ones you love the most? From reading you post, it seems like you are only this way to you husband. Maybe its because, in your mind, you know you can get away with it, know what I mean. You know that even though how you act when you get in an argument, he is still going to love you afterwards. I think some counseling would be good for you, I dont know that I would say you have an anger management problem, per say. Now if you were like this at work, ect ..... I would think that.

[jesskali]

Thanks for your reply. I made an appointment for 7/7/05 to see a counselor through the Employment Assistance Program. I'm really nervous about it since I've never been to any sort of counseling. You're exactly right about hurting the people we love and knowing I can get away with it. I'm just really concerned that one day I am going to push him too far to the point that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Every time it happens, he makes me promise that I will not do it again, but that is so hard to promise. I hope this helps!

Jess

[kmarie]

I ahve VERY similar problems..and same thing here..its maily towards my husband..


i usualy break things..like I broke a glass bottle in our basement once.. or msot recent when I got really pissed at my husband (we were actually seperated at the time)..he called and i was very upset after he hung up and i through the phone..i was aiming for the couch but I got the window behind it instead..bsute dthe mini-blind and ended up putting the phone through the window...i felt SO stupid afterwards.


I have never sought help for this..and only my husband knows ... my parents knew about the phoen through the window incident but thats it..


I am proud of you for seeking help..its the right first step..sorry i dont have more advice...i just wanted to let you knwo that you are not alone!!

[peachfeet]

Thevery sheer fact you're willing to acknowledge you have a problem is without a doubt the toughest step to the road of recovery. And you conquered it.


Edited by: peachfeet

[jesskali]

Thanks, everyone. Kmarie--I have broken a few things--nothing major though. I usually throw something that isn't breakable. I remember one time I knocked a bowl of jelly beans over and they went everywhere. I think what makes me feel bad too is that my cats immediately go hide the moment I raise my voice. It is like they are afraid of me although I would NEVER hurt them.

I haven't told my husband about my appointment yet and I'm wondering when and if I am going to tell him. I guess it is a sensitive issue for me right now.

[kate1966]

Hi Jess....I understand where you are coming from...all though it's my husband who has the anger issues and not me...but I can tell you this....and i don't mean to sound ugly to you or anything...but just to let you know....my husband has treated me and my boys so badly for so long...that I know longer have feelings for him really...he has deadened my love for him...so I truely believe you are doing the right thing by getting help....I have been to a therapist through my eap here at work also...and it really helps alot...He only treats us this way not anyone else really...sometimes people in his family but mainly us....and I have begged him for many years to get help...he goes off and on but nothing substantial...so as far as your husband goes...and i know you love him...try to get some help with it...b/c you may end up making him lose some feelings for you...and that would be sad if you really truely love him...I wish you the best....and continue with your therapy....it can only make your life better.... Kate

[jesskali]

Thank you Kate. I guess I need to clarify something. My relationship with my husband is great and we don't argue very often, but when he really pushes my buttons, that is when I lose control. I think that at other times we are both very good to each other. But, I agree in the fact that if it keeps on, he may lose some of the feelings he has for me. I don't want that to happen.

[kate1966]

I completely understand....me and my husband have been together for 18 yrs...married for 16...and believe me we love each other....but I have just lost alot of the feelings I had for him.....and it's b/c of the way he has treated me for so long....i was not trying to imply that you have a bad marraige at all.....don't get me wrong....I just know how things can eat away at you for so long....but I think that it is a good thing that you have recognized that you have a problem with how you are handling your anger...b/c you know that you may need some help...and that is really a good sign.....b/c if you just ignored it and acted like it was nothing...then I believe you would have a greater problem down the road.....i don't mean to ramble here...but I just wanted to help Kate

[luckistar2]

Good Luck to you and you are doing the right thing by seeking outside help.


My husband has anger management issues and he has never hit me but he does throw things and say some pretty nasty stuff. He is seeing a therapist who is recommending anger management courses as well. He needs to recognize that it is okay to be angery but there are healthier ways of dealing with it.


If your husband is like me he may be afraid to tell you things that he thinks may upset you. I feel like I am walking on egg shells some of the time because I do not want to set off my husband's anger and that is no way to live.

[jennyleigh1975]

I wanted to add also, that in the younger years of my marriage, we did have arguments sometimes where I did throw things. Not at him of course!! I broke a plate once and one of my favorite cordless phones. I learned over a period of time that it ticked my husband off more for me to give him the silent treatment. Especially if I walk away before he is finishes what he wants to say.

I think most all of us have been mad enough to throw things and some point in time. If you feel like you do have a problem with anger management or just anger toward your husband when you are arguing, then you are doing the right thing by seeking couseling. You are only bettering yourself by doing it.

[jesskali]

I'm guess I'm really just looking for some coping strategies. I guess I'm just worried that I'll get there and the counselor will be like "Why are you here?" and then I'll feel stupid. My husband is a great guy and I don't want to continue to treat him this way when we argue. He tells me that no matter why we are arguing that I should be able to control my anger without throwing something or being destructive. And, he is right--I'm an adult and I should be able to control my outbursts.

[kate1966]

If you go to a therapist and you feel uneasy talking about this to them...then find another one...i had a woman one time and i really didn't find it comfortable to talk to her really....finally i left her and am going to try it again....that is the most important thing is to find one you are comfortable with........I have gotten that angry before...and the only reason i don't throw things at my husband is b/c i have two sons...and i don't want them to see me do that.....i don't know what to tell you....but finding help is a good start....at least when you do get in a fight..if you are not in the car...then just leave somewhere on your own...get away from the situation...but if you are together in the car....then i really don't know what i would do....ask him to remind you of your anger...maybe that will remind you of asking us for advice and maybe you will find yourself calming down then....good luck...Kate

[jesskali]

Thank you, Kate. I have found that when I am at home, I can just walk out of the house for a bit and calm down. If we are in the car, then I feel trapped like I don't have a way out. I think that is why I got so upset this past weekend. We were in the SUV and he would not stop so that we could talk it out and then I just blew up. I'm still debating on when I should tell him...

[kate1966]

Well, at least if you go on and tell him now....he will know that you don't like what you are doing and then maybe he can be a little more understanding towards you when this happens...and he will know you really care about changing.....that will make a big difference to him I believe.....he will know you care enough to do something about it. I think you are on the right track to making your life better Kate

[swiftette]

Boy, do'nt they bring out the worst in us!One time we got into an argument over the phone and I trashed the room. AND I MEAN TRASHED![img]smileys/smilies_07.gif[/img]Then I stood there and thought....."Sh**, now I gotta clean this up!" So, I learned to deal with my anger in differant ways. And don't worry about anyone at work finding out, it's strictly confidential-it's the law!