I Was Here Before...

[Eternity]

A while ago. Hi.


Im back because Ive ran out of ideas.. what dyou do?
Those of you who cant work.. cant face the idea of walking into some overheated crowded little office n being trapped.. cant go back go school, God all those people, endless corridors, theres no way I can do that now..


n the self employment scheme Im on just collapsed, n I cant absolutely cant go sign on again, twice Ive walked into that horrid horrid place, n twice Ive had panic attacks so bad that Ive just had to walk straight back out,


all I want to do is sleep and never come out,


Theres noone to support me, money, I mean... how do you guys not starve?





I think I need to be committed or something.Edited by: Eternity

[shiva]

Are you in therapy? Maybe if someone works with you closely you will be able to accomplish more than just trying on your own?

[princessmel]

This is just a suggestion, but have you thought about medication? Are you on an antidepressant? They really help with anxiety/panic attacks. I'm on Paxil, and it works really well.

[hippychick]

You should phone your GP and speak to someone, If you can't face going to the GP's office then get them to come to you. This is what I did when I was agoraphobic. If you phone about incapacity benifit they will send you forms and all you have to do is get a Dr's note every month I think to say you are not fit for work. Also while spaking to the Dr you can ask about therapy and drugs etc. Sorry you feel like this


xxxxxxxxx

[Eternity]

I dont think that doctors do that here.. unless youre actually dying.


I remember years ago when my brother was very ill- physically ill,he couldnt get a home visit.


Im not on antidepressants, Im not depressed... well I am, but situationally, stop the panic attacks n Id not be depressed..


can you get incapacity benefit because you are crazy?


noone will believe me.


Ive never seen a doctor about this before, I dont want to be on drugs for it, and I cannot go to a therapist, thatd be worse than going to sign on.

[sparky2004]

Hey Eternity, I remember you from your neat doll signature.


Panic attacks and depression go hand-in-hand. When I was first diagnosed with the panic disorder, the doctor suggested that I use medication as 'a crutch', to help curb the physical symptoms related with panic. Have you read the post I made about Catastrophic thinking? I think that a lot of it will make sense, as we all can relate.


I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, andI never wanted to be on medication in the first place. Yet I was so overwhelmed by my anxiety, and I felt that I had no options, so I finally agreed to go on medication. It has helped me in so many ways, I can function normally, and be able to deal with my panic attacks in a more efficent manner than when I wasn't on medication. I am on Paxil, which is meant for anxiety disorders. The medication was the 'crutch' that I needed to be able to tackle my fear and anxiety.


You are not going to loose your mind sweetheart. You are not crazy. I will be honest and tell you that you are one of the many angels that I have met here in this forum. Don't isolate yourself from getting the help you need. Accept the fact that you may actually need medication to help you, you may need that crutch to help get you through. Keep talking to people until you feel that someone believes you. I am sure that Sage will allow you to show this forum to a doctor, and all the posts you have made.


Look at trying to possibly taking something for your stomach before you go to the doctor's office. I had to do that, I had to take Gravol for my tummy before I went to the doctor's office, so I wouldn't throw up. I carried a platic bag with me just in case. It was hard. Yet once the doctor diagnosed me, I was reileved, so much pressure came off my shoulders. I wasn't a freak, I wasn't going crazy.


You are a normal person, having normal reactions, to a very intense fear. Don't isolate youself from getting the help you need. Take that step, that very first step on the road of recovery. It may be difficult, but I promise you that you will be stronger for it.


I had to drop out of high school and stop work, and focus all of my energy on getting well. You do have a job, and your job is to take care of yourself, and get better. Educate yourself as much as you can about anxiety/panic and emetophobia. Set a goal, no matter how big or small,to spend as much time as you can collecting information, as knowledge is power. And always reward yourself. We all want to hear about eachother's accomplishments, even if you were able to stand in a store for 3 minutes, we want to know. Why? We care. Take that step and join in the fight.....choose health, freedom from fearand serenity,...I know you can. Edited by: sparky2004

[Eternity]

Did you get better?


.. it doesnt matter anyway, because I cant do that, God theres no way I can go in a doctors surgery right now, Id die or something, well perhaps not literally but.. no.


How ironic.. I was doing sort of fine up until a few weeks ago.
And somehow things dont matter a bit when youre doing okay.. when youre copeing, n then you crash n think God, why didnt I stop it then? when I had the chance...


I dont want a doctor. I dont want therapy and I dont want drugs. I dont want to be poked or prodded, or laughed at, Ive gone to so much trouble to avoid looking like a freak and now its all backfiring because I look like a total fraud...
I just want to be left alone, n not forced to go and sign on, its my nightmare going in that place, i cant walk through the doors without starting to shake...


.. how convinient. People shall think. Of all places, youre afraid of going in the jobcenter? How very tidy, I look like a fraud. A f***ing faker and thats all that theyll see. Edited by: Eternity

[ejb199]

Eternity - im in the UK too - please go speak with ur doc - some of them are actually helpful.

really thinkg u should consider meds - its the worst thing i did coming off them. with them i have been panic free/ibs free and have held a job for nearly two years - oh and completed my degree. with them i was also sick twice last year and felt sane afterwards. i bow down to Effexor - BUT they are highly addictive - hell to come off them but it can be done and they did make me feel nauseas when i went on them - but its a cost benefit thing isnt it - and if the cost of having a life means feeling sicky for 2 days then it was worth it!!!

also try Triumph over Phobia and National Phobia Society for Therapy - it wont be free - but it will be cheaper than full blwn private CBT therapy.

Or ask ur GP ref NHS referal therapy - unfortunaltey they have no CBT therapists to refer me to but u may be lucky if u dont live in Weston S Mare.

keep us posted

ems x

oh also - some offices are ok to work in - i feel so calm at my work place. the people are nice and the environment is relaxing - so there will be things out there.

[Eternity]

I dont like drugs atall.. I had a inner ear infection and got given some pills to stop the dizzyness.. I wouldnt take them because I was too afraid of the side effects which included nausea and vomitting. I could barely stand up without the room spinning and I had these pills right there, n I refused to take them...
... so Im crazy.. so what?


I dont believe in therapy.. but right now Id consider taking anything to stop this.. anything... but I cannot go into a doctors surgery. I cant.

[ejb199]

is there anyone you can maybe go with? what about calling NHS direct? perhaps they can advise further?

ems x

[hippychick]

I was on incapacity benifit for a year and my Dr made several home visits, it's just a case of seeing the right one and getting it organised. I didn't go onto anti depressants either, I tried some, several different kinds and hated each one so I just didn't.


People will believe you and there is no shame is saying you need help. I'd phone your local GP and ask, if the person you talk to isn't helpful talk to another Dr. They will make house visits if you cannot go out, they have done to me. If you explain to your Dr why you cannot work he or she can sign a sick cert which you then send off and apply for the benefit!


It is better to ask for help now while you still can than get so bad that the choice is taken away.


xxxxxxxxx

[Eternity]

I just want someone to fix it for me.. or force me to do something, I dunno, I cant find the motivation to try just now


No theres noone to go with me, ems, noone knows. Ive exausted myself hiding this, n Ive done a almost perfect job...one or twoppl know Im emetophobic, andone or twoppl know I have panic attacks, but none of them have actually seen it or been forced to understand what those things mean, theyre just words..
To explain to someone how bad it all is.. would kill me somehow, I tried it once, n you should have seen the scorn.. and he was someone whos opinion mattered, why should I haveto explain myself to ppl whos opinion I dont even care about its stupid...


.. but Ive done such a good job Im totally screwed now, you know? Everyone thinks Im fine, n normal. n Im terribly proud, I cant lower myself and ask for help. And Im not close to anyone, I pushed all of my friends away a long time ago, they shouldnt haveto deal with this
and my parents wont deal with this
I tried cutting myself to bits for attention but noone noticed yet, n I cant quite.. bring myself to wander around showing all those scars, really its quite horrific now anyway, it went further than I meant to...
.. I was just hoping someone would notice, n care.

[aguerra29]

Eternity, please reconsider your aversion to therapy. You would find it so helpful. THere is nothing wrong with needing therapy and/or meds to feel better. I was the same way. I did not want to take medication. I thought if I admited I need medication, then that would be admitting I was crazy. It took some time, but I realized that there are so many people in my situation. Taking Lexapro has been a life saver. I actually enjoy life again. I don't have the social phobia you seem to have, but my emet has gotten so much better with the meds.

I know that there are other people on this site who are "cutters" and could offer advice.

Please find someone in your area to go talk to. Many counselors will do phone meetings also for those who fear going outside.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You should be proud of yourself. You realize you have a problem. Now, you just need to make the steps to fix it.

[crystalmom]

HI...you are not crazy.I went to a seminar once for people withpanicdisorder and the guy that was doing the seminar told me something that I will never forget....you aren't crazy....crazy people don't know they are crazy, and they don't care. That, right there, made me believe that it was a chemical imbalance that I cannot control. It is part of me, and who I am and I have learned that taking drugs is not the end of the world. I would rather take drugs (I'm on paxil, and clonazepam), and live life, than sit in my house, scared of everything, and scared I'll have a panic attack. Life is better....actually, aside from life's everyday curve balls, I'm good. I work, and socialize and be who I am. I still have panic attacks, usually b/c of my emet, but they are not constant and unbareable.


Take care, and think to the future.


Crystal[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[Eternity]

I dont want therapy I dont believe in therapy.. I chose not to because I consider myself to be really smart, and if I cant cure this then why should I think for a minute that someone whos never felt it magically can? Now find me a ex emetophobic therapist and Id consider, Id listen to them, like I listen to people here, but Im not listening to someone on the outside who doesnt know a thing about it, thats the fastest way to destroy yourself there is, believing that people who dont understand are Right.


Drugs I could deal with... perhaps...


And cutting was something I used to advocate, as a perfectly normal and acceptable coping mechanism, something Id argued was no better nor worse than alcohol and drugs, and I believed that.. I do, believe that, but now Im using it destructively and for that Im ashamed, I never ever wanted to become one of those people who cuts for attention, I despise them all, including myself.

[kmarie]

Eternity...i am afraid people are all going tp say the same here...try and seek help...very rarely do yopu find a recived emet who has done it on their own...


You need help..you need to stop cutting and you need to find somone who can help you through this. If you are unwilling to seek therapy then that is your choice..but to me that means that you are not willing to do whatever it takes to get over this.


I am 100% against meds..but i am starting to realize that I might need them to be a happy healthy person..and if it means by taking them I can enjoy my life once again..i am willing to..i will do whatever it takes..


you need to open your mind...you are a smart person..but just because you are smart does not mean you can beat this on your own..it is clear you can...i dont think many of us could and we are an intelligent group of people here.. this is somthing bbeynd our control..and if a therapist can sit me down and help me figure out my thoughts then I am all for it.


A therapist is not going to cure you..you will cure yourself in the end..but you are going to need guidance..which is what a therapist can do .. you have to have faith in others..faith in the fact that someone out there can help you...


I knwo what its lkike to put on a show..for years no one knew about my phobia..no one knew how much i hated myself..no one knew how depressed i was..and it ate me up inside..i finally broke down...and got help..i am not 100% better..but after letting others into my world..letting others see hwo much pain I was in..i have been able to help myself...


please...really think this through..getting help is the best thing you can do..there is no magical fix for this..no one can force you to do anything..no one can fix you..BUT you can seek help...you can look for somone who can help you get through this...

[trinity_13]

So let me ask you Eternity what are you going to do? You say that you don't want therapy, don't want drugs and don't want to go to the doctor, so what are you going to do? I'm not being harsh to you hun as i know how it feels to be in the place you are now, just as many here do. I was basically in your shoes a few months ago, was at the lowest point i could go without suicide (and believe me i thought about that alot)


You are not crazy, you are depressed, that is what immediately comes across to me in your posts, you may not think you are and unfortunately when you are that depressed, you are the last one to realise and accept it.


You really need to contact your doctors in some way as they are the first step to getting better, you need to call your doctors and see if you can speak to them direct to let them know your situation. I know it's a nightmare here in the UK with the way doctors work and sometimes it hard to get past the receptionist but please do try. Accept medication if it's offered as it's there to help you, iwas givenanti depressants that i didn't even have to swallow and that had no nasty stomach side effects at all. I took mine for a few days and then just having them there if i needed them was enough support for me. I managed to claw my way out of my depression to a place where i am now coping with this phobia, it is a daily struggle and i am still not eating hardly at all for fear of sickness but i am in a better frame of mind to battle against it.


Therapy is there to help, i had 10 private sessions of CBT ( all i could afford £800 worth) and it helped me turn a corner. I was at the stage i wasn't eating at all and hardly drinking, i fully believe that without that therapy and the support of my Doctor i wouldn't be here now one way or another...............


Please ask yourself do you want a life or a mearexistance, i was bearly existing and i had to come to terms with the fact that this phobia was destroying my life and i have everything to live for, a fantastic boyfriend who supports and loves me and accepts me phobia and all, a great job, amazing family etc..... I just was not willing to give everythingup and accept that the phobia had won and roll over and play dead.


It breaks my heart to know that others feel the same way i have doneas i wouldn't wish this phobia on my worst enemy. I know it is hard but you have to find some strength from somewhere to get yourself out of this situation, look deep within yourself and find something that's positive and believe in it and draw strength from it. I know its easy for me to say this but i have been there and have come through that dark time. I do really feel for you but in order for you to get better you have to help yourself, only YOU can do this, unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and can do it for you but doctors, medication and therapy are there to help.


Please, please try and get yourself help, never feel ashamed for needing help, we all need it sometimes...if you need to talk email me [email protected]


I am thinking of you, please take care x

[japa]

Eternity,


We, of course, don't know each other at all, but the things that you are saying sound very defeatist. You are emphatically refusing the two options that offer some hope of changing your situation: medication and/or therapy.


One reason that therapists can help is because they aren't enmeshed in the problems themselves and can view what is going on with you more objectively than you yourself can. Right nowyou sound lost and confused about your situation - far from objective.


The therapist does not have to experience the exact same phobia or whatever else to be able to help. If someone always had to experience the same thing to help others, then there would be little help for anyone out there. Therapists have education and experience and what applies to other phobias and anxieties can be applied to emetophobia.


What does being a smart person have to do with curing yourself? This is an emotional problem that has to do with you, yourself. You're not trying to solve a math problem here. Some of what contributes to your fear may not even be in your conscious awareness, but you may have blocked it out. Again, this is where therapists can help you. They help to uncover things that you aren't quite aware of.


Also, why is it so important to hide this phobia? I know that this is a rather widespread idea on this forum, one with which I completely disagree. Those who love you are not going to judge you for having this phobia, and it is nothing to be ashamed about. The people you tell -- I guarantee they will have things wrong with them too, things that they are hiding. Everyone goes around hiding things about themselves, and it's ridiculous.


Forget the therapist for now. Here's the first thing I would recommend. Call someone you trust and care about and who also cares for you, and tell him or her what you are currently suffering. That person will help you because he or she will not want to see you suffer. If someone I loved was in so much emotional pain, I would kick her ass for not telling me so that I could help.

I dont want therapy I dont believe in therapy.. I chose not to because I consider myself to be really smart, and if I cant cure this then why should I think for a minute that someone whos never felt it magically can? Now find me a ex emetophobic therapist and Id consider, Id listen to them, like I listen to people here, but Im not listening to someone on the outside who doesnt know a thing about it, thats the fastest way to destroy yourself there is, believing that people who dont understand are Right.


Drugs I could deal with... perhaps...


And cutting was something I used to advocate, as a perfectly normal and acceptable coping mechanism, something Id argued was no better nor worse than alcohol and drugs, and I believed that.. I do, believe that, but now Im using it destructively and for that Im ashamed, I never ever wanted to become one of those people who cuts for attention, I despise them all, including myself.

Edited by: japa

[Galadriel]

I have to say I agree with the others in that its ok to need meds or a doctor/therapist to help you get thro this. Were you hurt in the past by a doc/therapist who acted like your problems were not that bad or that they knew when they really didn't? I've had this happen and it can turn you off to even trying to talk to anyone about it again. However, I have found that the majority of those that I've come acrossin those fields really want to help you and do care a lot. One thing that was hard for me to get past was that they (docs) wouldn't empathize with me or they would act like I was nuts or something, but when I explained my fears (of docs) she was very understanding and it was okay.


I know its hard to accept that you need help, and when you are very against the options, but those things can really help and be a lifesaver. Bad past experiences can really make it hard to try again, but you can't just throw in the towel. Things can look real hopeless when you are very down, but when you get thro those things to the other side (which you will) you just feel on top of the world and amazed that you did it and you made it. Its a very good feeling, and you can do it. I know you don't think you can, but you are very smart, and its hard to realize you can when thinsg are so down.


Maybe try writing it down, and make an appointment and just have the doc read what you wrote. Sometimes I find this way of communicating helps when you don't feel like you can say it verbally.


Btw, Japa said some very good advice! Just find someone anyone that you can talk to. Those 2 people you say who know about it, tell them. It always helps a lot more when you have someone else know about what the problem is, because it seems to cut the problem in half. I remember having no one to talk about with this phobia and others and actually I think isolating yourself is one of the worst things, because no one is there to help pull you out of all the negative self talk and such. Try and think of someone anyone who you can tell who could help you and just to talk to them. Edited by: Galadriel

[japa]

Really? You tried to tell someone whose opinion mattered to you, and he only offered up scorn to you? Are you sure that this person was worth talking to? Sounds like a jackass to me.

I tried it once, n you should have seen the scorn.. and he was someone whos opinion mattered, why should I haveto explain myself to ppl whos opinion I dont even care about its stupid...


.

[Galadriel]

I agree the person who you told really needs to have their arse kicked. Not everyone can be trusted to tell. I knew growing up that some people I just could not tell because they would not empathize or understand. Is there anyone you know of who has anxiety/fears/depression to a degree? Remember too that EVERYONE has some issue, no one has it perfect or great, everyone has something they need to work on or struggle with, and most just go about trying to deny it or hide it. You are being very brave just admitting that there is something wrong. That is half the battle, admitting it and talking to others about it.

Really? You tried to tell someone whose opinion mattered to you, and he only offered up scorn to you? Are you sure that this person was worth talking to? Sounds like a jackass to me.

I tried it once, n you should have seen the scorn.. and he was someone whos opinion mattered, why should I haveto explain myself to ppl whos opinion I dont even care about its stupid...


.

[Babydoll]

wow, eternity, I remember you.


you really sound like you are struggling to find answers here. I agree with the person who asked you what choices you had left, if you refuse the two best options to get better? where does that leave you?


you need to realize that asking someone for help is a very couragous thing to do, ans I'm sure you will get more support from your loved ones than you realize right now.


my heart goes out to you, and I hope everything turns out okay!

[Eternity]

Really? You tried to tell someone whose opinion mattered to you, and he only offered up scorn to you? Are you sure that this person was worth talking to? Sounds like a jackass to me.

Not atall he is someone I respect and adore, and he was my partner then also.
And he said, 'Its me isnt it, the thought of being with me makes you sick?'
And he left. Well it wasnt quite so simple as that really, we fought over things for a while until I felt guilty as hell, and I told him I didnt want to put him through this, I told him to go, so he did.. and now, 9 months later, hes gotten back in touch and we're friends, and I cant help but think.. you know, if I was better he'd want me back. Im still in love with him, so dont tell me hes a jackass, all I'll feel is defensive and hostile towards you, I cant change how I feel about him, God knows Ive tried.


But even at the time when I was angry at him for not understanding, I could see he was right.. I mean what the f***? We chose all our own associations, we chose to make ourselves ill or make ourselves better, if Id really loved him Id have fixed this right? Not responded with apathy.. but what I feel about how the grand scheme of things should be is different to being able to cope everyday, its simple to sit here and talk, or perhaps one day when I feel good cycle into the city, and rave about what an achievement that was, but I cant try, not consistantly on my own, s'easier to simply.. howd you put it? merely exist.



If it wasnt for things being so much worse yesterday Id not have been here atall, maybe Im simply wasting your time, because Im still at that in between place, where sometimes Im coping.. often enough to fake a existance, anyway. And theres noone to force me to change something, and I know that I cant force it myself. So this is probably what Im going to do. Merely exist.


...until the next time.Edited by: Eternity

[kimmyc24]

Hi Eternity,


You aren't wasting our time at all, I think we all go through good and bad times with this damn phobia. You probably wrote yesterday when you were feeling really bad, and today you are feeling a bit better..its understandable and normal.


If you dont mind me asking, where in the UK do you live? I live in London, and I also haven't gone to anyone for help yet.. I haven't even registered at a doctors, as i've moved in the past few months to a different area, and now need to find a new doctor. If i'm honest with myself, i am putting it off, as I don't want to have to tell my boss i need time off work for therapy, as I know he will take the p* out of me.


If you want to chat to me, i'm [email protected] on MSN Messenger, maybe once i've registered at my local doctor, and asked them who they are going to refer me to, (probably Guys Hospital in London Bridge),coz thats where my old doctors referred me, but I just never went (it was only for an anxiety management group session) not one on one help, but I will keep you informed if you like?


I dont know what else to suggest to you, but have you tried taking herbal stress/anxiety rememedies like Dr Bach's Rescue Remedy or Calms? I also take Echinacea to boost my immune system, and that way I tell myself that i wont get sick as my immune system is strong.


Lol.. messed up logic but thats how it goes hey!


Anyway i hope you're okay today, let us know how you doing if you get a chance!


Take care hun,


Kimmy xx [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[Eternity]

Im in Morecambe Bay (northwest)

Am [email protected] on msn, actually I have a lot of ppl from here on my list already, seldom talk to them anymore though, after a while it seemed exchanging stories n such like only made me worse.


How dyou survive in a big city? Does it not make you worse all of those people being around all the time?
Ive not tried herbal remedies yet no.. the trouble is.. with any remedy, that you need to believe in it, and Ive not yet found anything that I do.

[kimmyc24]

Oh right so you are quite far away from London then.


Being in the City is tough, but i'm okay in my work environment (the toilet is on our floor, and I have a massive window next to me) and none of the places i need to go to during the day are very far away, eg: Bank, lunch place, post office, so I feel secure in this environment.


Going shopping is usually a nightmare, but I find i'm okay if i'm feeling okay in my tummy, and if i have taken a Beta blocker (Propranolol) just before i leave to go out. I also feel more secure if i'm with my boyfriend, or friends, who all know I have this phobia, which really helps a lot.


I'm actually from South AFrica, but have lived in London for the past 3 years. My panic attacks only started 2 years ago, since i've been living here, but i've had Emet for about 10-12 years now I think. Travelling on the tubes/trains/busses is the worst, and I used to panic everyday, to and from work, until I got to my front door, but most of the time I can control the though processes that cause that. Or I just sit near the window at the end of the carriage, or sit near the door or toilet on the trains.


I'm in a sensible state of mind at the moment, so sayihg all this stuff sounds so silly, but when i'm in panic state, its all so real and necessary. So damn annoying this phobia. GRRRR.


Although I think this is silly, my housemate has a phobia of scrunched up tissues. Clean or dirty it doesnt matter, she cries if you touch her with them, or put one next to her, and she gags too. So when any of us have a cold or something, its a hard time for her.. and that sounds silly to us, but its obviously very real to her.


Arent human beings just so odd!!


Anyway i'm rambling now, so will be off.


Take care and I will add you to my contacts in case you ever wanna chat or say hi!


xx Kimmyxx

[japa]

So to me it sounds as though the context surrounding your telling him and the follow up totellinghimwas actually more complicated than your initial description of how you told someone close to you and he was scornful toward you.


I stand behind my previous statement that someone who is solely scornful in response to the disclosure of this phobia, yet who claims to care about the phobic person, is a jackass. However, since the situation with telling your significant other was in reality not as simple as you telling him and his negative reaction occurring, then obviously this guy doesn't fit my above definition of "jackass."


In addition, I can't really be calling him personally a jackass because this is the internet, and I've never met either you or him. I wasn't telling you that HE is a jackass because I don't know who HE is. I was responding to a behavior that you had described in your earlier post and saying that a person who does that is a jackass. But apparently he didn't really do that. And you said that you are the one who asked him to leave anyway, so it's not as though he left you because you told him about the phobia.

Really? You tried to tell someone whose opinion mattered to you, and he only offered up scorn to you? Are you sure that this person was worth talking to? Sounds like a jackass to me.

Not atall he is someone I respect and adore, and he was my partner then also.
And he said, 'Its me isnt it, the thought of being with me makes you sick?'
And he left. Well it wasnt quite so simple as that really, we fought over things for a while until I felt guilty as hell, and I told him I didnt want to put him through this, I told him to go, so he did.. and now, 9 months later, hes gotten back in touch and we're friends, and I cant help but think.. you know, if I was better he'd want me back. Im still in love with him, so dont tell me hes a jackass, all I'll feel is defensive and hostile towards you, I cant change how I feel about him, God knows Ive tried.


But even at the time when I was angry at him for not understanding, I could see he was right.. I mean what the f***? We chose all our own associations, we chose to make ourselves ill or make ourselves better, if Id really loved him Id have fixed this right? Not responded with apathy.. but what I feel about how the grand scheme of things should be is different to being able to cope everyday, its simple to sit here and talk, or perhaps one day when I feel good cycle into the city, and rave about what an achievement that was, but I cant try, not consistantly on my own, s'easier to simply.. howd you put it? merely exist.



If it wasnt for things being so much worse yesterday Id not have been here atall, maybe Im simply wasting your time, because Im still at that in between place, where sometimes Im coping.. often enough to fake a existance, anyway. And theres noone to force me to change something, and I know that I cant force it myself. So this is probably what Im going to do. Merely exist.


...until the next time.

Edited by: japa

[Eternity]

It isnt so much the complications as those words, that moment that I remember though, strangely- 'Its me isnt it? The thought of being with me makes you feel sick?'


In one sentence he just made everything crystal clear, everything made perfect sense its like...
Thats the way this phobia appears to anyone on the outside looking in. I didnt mean to make him sound bad, his reaction was normal and logical... Its me that was in the wrong- I was with him because he was like me, unsympathetic and self assured. Err.. like me before this I mean.
To expect a sympathetic reaction was wrong, n totally illogical in that instance, I knew hed try to reason things out, and I knew he'd get it wrong because phobias cant be reasoned out.





Hmmmmmm


Yesterday I spent the whole day pretending I was in college again.
Dont laugh, theres a point. I wanted to seeve I could go back and reclaim the personality and feelings I had then. Erase all of the progress good and bad, since then... 2 years of it. So I spent the whole day acting as I would have done on a regular saturday in those days.
It worked and it didnt- I had a normal day, but thats not earthshattering in itself- I do from time to time have perfectly normal days, and afterwards, today Ive felt rough as hell as though to make up for it but anyway thats not the point
What I learnt is I dont want to go back, not really and truely, not badly enough- I wasnt happy, before this, you know? I was desperately miserable and lost, if I hadnt been then chances are Id not have allowed myself to get so very ill in the first place..
And its not like emet makes me happy, right, but it at least provides stability. The number one important thing in my life is a illness, not a person, people let you down, but this thing isnt going anywhere...
and before I was failing- for the first time in my whole life I wasnt top of the class.. but now its an achievement to walk to the shop. I feel like Ive acomplished something if I get through one day without feeling panicked, or manage to use some tecnique to avert an attack.
So Ive traded friendships and relationships, haircuts, fast food, train journeys, college, meat, holidays, dreams, going shopping, enjoying sex, meeting strangers, getting drunk, flirtations, cycling, tattoos, road trips, fitness, visiting people, swimming, that delicious excited feeling in the bottom of your stomach when you know something wonderful is going to happen, and most ironically of all, good health for ...
a sort of feeling of certainty.
When you put it like that it sounds ever so silly.. so why does it make so much sense to me?
I utterly and completely believe that if I could replace emet with.. something, or remove this need for some certainty I could cure myself..

/rambling. Feel free to comment. Or not.

[sage]

Sounds pretty smart to me...you're obviously right about yourself. If emetophobia is indeed an ample replacement for all that list of things, then perhaps you're not really doing as bad as you think you are. I mean, to us the situation sounded quite horrible. But for you, the stability of the phobia replaces what others of us describe as the things that make life worth living. Gee, on the internet I guess the above just sounds sarcastic. But honestly, I'm not being sarcastic, I'm being dead seriously truthful. If the phobia provides such stability for you, and you adamantly refuse any form of help whatsoever that would do away with it (or at the very least, lessen it so that you could live life as others do) then...you're really ok. If you want to be more ok, you will just need to work a little harder at being emetophobic. (Again, this sounds like I'M either nuts, or sarcastic, or whatever, but I'm not.) If the phobia provides you with stability and a foundation for your life then in some way it helps you to cope with something else - or everything else as the case may be. Therapists, doctors, medication, even human contact with others would diminish that. So what you need to do is see if you can make yourself more phobic. I'm not sure how to advise you on this one...lol...but if you could figure it out (and you are very smart...) then you might just find that life is worth living again.


All the best, Eternity! I'm glad you're posting and entering into this discussion.


BTW - my advice to Eternity isn't "cookie-cutter" advice to everyone. Most folks who try to make their phobia worse will actually get worse...so if you're someone else reading this, try the more traditional approach of therapy/medical help/human relationships

[Eternity]

That made me laugh.. not because I think its silly, but because I think its true.



Question is.. why do I needa phobia to enable me to cope with normality. Hmm. because Im Sane perhaps. Lets not go down that one
Ermm


I dont think I can make it worse. Even though my panic attacks are getting worse, Im getting better, if that makes sense? 99% of the time I can see everything thats going on as a outsider. Sort of think, this is going to happen now, Im going to do that now, and not be able to alter it as such, but... s'hard to describe. I can see myself objectively as a outsider. And as such I understand why I do what I do, but I cant quite work out how to make myself do something else. Its like a computer programme thats in a coding language you can read but not write.


What I need is a reason to want to get better more desperately than anything else- but I can only think of one and Im not bringing a child into this god forsaken world so thats out. But to replace emet with something else is the idea Im most interested in at the moment.. I just dont know what. I cant just cultivate a dissorder like rich bored ppl do, because I haveto believe in it 100%...
Im not depressed (sort of like a crazy person saying Im not crazy, I know but Im not Interested in depression, its so boring)
and my cutting is far too controlled.. so what? What could I replace emetophobia with? And please dont tell me 'a loving relationship' because Id rather err.. do something very unpleasent than be dependant on one of those. Im a eternal cynic
I sort of hate talking like this on here, Im always afraid someones going to jump on me and say 'youre not a real emetophobe atall. Youre faking it.' sort of like Im sure the jobcenter will if i try to get signed off sick. Well.. after I explain to them what a emetophobe is, that is. Believe me Im not faking this.