Slowly but surely kicking emet's arse :) (long and may trigger)
WARNING - might be triggering to some
Hello fellow emets! I haven't been on here in a while, because I've not really needed to! I checked up tonight to see how everybody was doing (and maybe because I feel a tad ill tonight) and it doesn't seem good
I can't say I'm fully recovered yet, not by a long shot, but I thought I'd share the story so far (WH Smith would love me)!
It started in May 2011 just before a party. I think I'd caught a bug/reacted badly to something I ate (more than likely a bug because my friend had the exact same problem that night!) anyway, I'd not felt that nauseous in years. I had just finished a massive KFC with loads of pepsi. Best thing ever. Anyway about 15 minutes later I started to feel a bit off, headache and sickly, started to sweat as well, so I took my jacket off, and I went quiet which isn't like me. My friend asked if i was ok and i went "no, I'm going to be sick!" so her being her just went "eew get outside or something!" so i said i'd go to the toilet if it got worse, which it did. So I went for some fresh air instead. On my way out I gagged really hard so ran outside to vom, but nothing came up. Anyway it faded off and I had diarrhea (yum) and I went to the party anyway, never been so drunk in my entire life. My other friend reacted badly to his drink and started to have seizures and threw up his stomach lining. I'd never seen him so ill. Anyway last I remember of that party was literally passing out, not falling asleep but passing out on the stairs, and I was told I vomited loads that night but I do not remember a thing! After that day I just didn't feel the same. Was always on edge and kept constantly getting these nausea episodes and nobody knew why. I wasn't worried, I thought I was just ill (ha! like we think like that now -.-) so I let it slide. Anyway I started to get more and more anxious towards the end of the summer holidays and when I went back to school I expected to enjoy the day, I always enjoyed first days back before that, they were just always good days for some reason. That day was different. I felt miserable, and anxious. Was shaking the whole time and just didn't feel like myself at all. Once I figured out I had anxiety these nausea episodes dissappeared (but also I cut pepsi and fizzy drinks out of my diet so it could've been my IBS, who knows). Anyway, I'm not the kind of person who gets all stressed out, I usually just let it slide and get on with it but I spent hours just crying to myself when I got home after school. I stopped eating because I just felt like anything I ate would make me ill. On January 30th, my nan who I was really close to (extremely close family) passed away from norovirus with pneumonia after having a brain hemmorage. That caused a lot of problems for my mum. She ended up with PTSD. I wasn't that affected at the time, I was in more of a state of denial and even to this day it doesn't feel real. I'm starting to accept it now though and I'm through the worst of it. Anyway, in March I actually got norovirus for the first time since I was a small child, no vomiting but put it this way i don't remember eating that much food in my life! I was ill for a good week so eventually I had to go to a doctor and because I looked so afraid and was just so... defeated, they said just to reassure me they'd give me anti emetics. Buccastem if anybody wants to know (they're a godsend!) and paracetomol as well, and I slept like a baby and with the help of those pills I got better in no time! The bad thing was I got quite addicted to them. I was taking them all the time and felt like if i didn't have them i would get seriously ill with it again. Anyway my dad saw and he'd had enough. I tend to exaggerate in arguments so i went "just throw them away then!" and he took it literally, and did. I was terrified but soon got back to not relying on them anymore.
I went to my first gig in a long time 2 weeks later, Enter Shikari to be exact, one of the best bands you could see live (if you're into that stuff!) but I had a panic attack so severe that I nearly threw up myself and passed out at one point. My friends looked unbelievably shocked to see what anxiety was actually doing to me. They'd been talking for a long time about how I was acting different and seemed so down. Anyway because they were so overwhelmed by what they saw, they pretty much left me. Well I say that, I isolated myself for a LONG time. The day after I went to school feeling even worse than before and that was the day I couldn't even go to class anymore. My school had this little block where people who had any kind of difficulties went to and luckily for me all I had left was coursework; all my exams were arranged in a special room so they let me do my work in there. Anyway I was becoming more and more depressed, isolated, and thin because I still struggled eating. Got sent home a lot of days as well and got quite angry and snapped at a lot of people. Anyway it got to the Easter holidays and I was really happy to be out of that shithole (to put it politely), so I went on a road trip with my friends for the fun of it. Felt horrible there but I didn't say anything. Then I had to go to an extra time coursework kind of session at school the next day and did not feel well at all, physically. Turns out I had come down with chickenpox (i was 15 -.-) and I was ill all easter. Literally every single day of it for 2 and a half weeks! I went back to school anyway with a new attitude like "yeah I can do this, anxiety can kiss my arse!". Went to my first lesson which coincidentally was my worst one, English. Barely made it. Came out gagging from anxiety and got sent home with SEVERE anxiety attacks because nobody could calm me down. I was force fed that night because I just didn't want to eat, didn't want to have anything to do with anybody. Felt completely broken. It didn't get better for the whole time I had left at school. I literally didn't sleep for a week. I had half an hour's sleep a night at very most. Again wasn't eating, wasn't going to class. My teachers were saying they had never seen me so affected by something. By that point I was contemplating suicide and was SO close to trying it so many times. Every time I said to myself "no, not yet, think of everybody else", so I kept leaving it. Anyway I left school and it was the happiest day I'd had in a long time (I DESPISED school, was bullied to hell but more on that later). I just stayed in my room most of the summer (this was for 15 weeks) and did nothing. Thought my anxiety was fine til the 3 weeks leading up to college. I thought it was the best option for me so as much as I didn't want to go I signed up anyway, and when I did I felt accomplishment. I lasted a month, went to about 9 hours of college through the whole time I was there because I felt so crappy and anxious all the time and again was slipping into depression. My FIRST DAY I had a panic attack, and ended up gagging so much I very nearly threw up a bit, so I thought I've had enough, and actually ended up in A&E getting the same antiemetic as I had when I had the sv! The doctor there was so understanding though. While I was in college I got with a guy who I'd been talking to for quite a while, and we really got on. It lasted 3 bloody weeks then he finished me. The exact same day I lost my volunteer job because the place it was at was closing down, AND i almost got kicked out of college, then went home from my other voluntary job because I felt ill. We thought it was another sv but it was actually severe stress. Was put on metoclopramide. I downgraded my course by a level (level 3 full time to level 2 part time) to see if I could manage that. Guess what, I couldn't. Panic attack, first day. Came home and let's just say a lot of anger was shown from everybody. I left college. I'd left all my friends behind, my boyfriend had left and I was unemployed. I had nothing but my family at that time. I weirdly felt comfortable for a bit though because I had time to clear my head of what had just happened. But after a while I felt horrible and like a complete failure. I had no self esteem left. Anyway I had to do something because I was getting constant stick from my parents for being "lazy", so I went on a job hunt. I will be honest the last thing I wanted was the stress of starting a new job. During that time I started talking to a friend who I hadn't spoke to in a while and it turned out she was severely depressed. She kept attempting suicide and she felt worthless and alone, so I made sure she was in my top priorities and took on the 24/7 job of being there for her. I spent nights and nights just researching things I could do to help and put everything I had into just keeping her alive basically. Luckily she's getting better and has started seeing a counsellorAnyway after a while of job "hunting" I got an interview at a shop in a town about 15 minutes (40 minutes bus ride, bollocks) away from my house so I took it. I didn't want the job so I deliberately didn't put any effort into the interview. Still got the job! I was on fluoxetine at this point but I was still crapping it. I slept for half an hour the night before I started. Anyway I started and kept fucking up at first, and got really angry, but didn't show it. Anyway after a while I got used to it, worked every single day over Christmas apart from Christmas day! One day I kept having severe attacks again, and had to run off the bus because I got so claustrophobic and fucked, and got so frustrated that I was trying desperately to just call somebody to rant to (priorities), but my phone died so I couldn't get a lift home and had no money, so had to walk. Tried to ring in sick but nobody would answer the phone! anyway my boss rang me going APESHIT and I explained it to him but he didn't care. So I thought "oh just man up" and just forced myself to go in. It was a brilliant night! The reason I was panicking so much was the day before I was early to work so I went christmas shopping for a bit before. Needed the toilet so I went, minding my own business then a woman comes in vomiting VIOLENTLY so I pegged it out. Don't know what caused it but I went straight to work and thought "fuck it if it was noro I won't come down with it during this shift". Fast forward to Christmas eve, it's a temporary job, my boss called me into his office to talk. I thought "I'm in some shit here!" but it turns out he's extending my contract because he likes how I am to the customers
Anyway while I was at work my poor cousin was in A&E with her friend because he'd broken his finger. A woman had noro badly next to her and, again was vomiting violently. My cousin came down with this bug on Christmas eve (the poor sod) and was still ill all through Christmas and new year. I still went to visit on Christmas day. I was wary but I kept reassuring myself, and actually had a good time! She lives with my grandad because she's caring for him after my nan died, and eventually she gave it to him, but I still went regularly despite the bug and didn't get it, which was bringing my confidence up! and I'll shorten it a bit now because it's a little long. Bascially my coworkers keep coming in with svs all the time (they tell me in person) and I don't go all OCD, I just say to myself "keep my hands away from my face unless it's neccessary and wash my hands and I'll be fine" well guess what, I am fine
Actually tonight I feel a little ill but I haven't had much sleep last night, so I keep reassuring myself that it's just that and I'm barely phased now.
I just wanted to post this flipping autobiography to inspire some of you who are in the same rut i was to get up and just keep trying! I promise you can do it!
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