Just need to let it out! O/T

[emms]

I just need to let some steam off and I know this annoys many of you, so I apologize first!


I am overwhelmed right now. I haven't eaten or slept in alomst 2 weeks. One of my closest friends was murdered on the 4th of July and I cannot deal with this. It's not like you ever expect to hear those words come out of anyone's mouth. I feel guilty if I stop thinking about her for a minute and I have tried not t cry. Of course, with the initial shock I cried, but I've not really cried since then. As the details have come out, they are gruesome and horrifying, and it's all I can think about. I know I should be celebrating her life, and I do about half of the day, the other half I spend thinking about how she died (they ME has not released a cause of death yet, because the initial scene was unclear). If anyone has experienced something like this, any input into how to breathe after this would be greatly appreciated. I just want to understand how to get out of this fog.


Next issue....my job. I was asked to "respectfully resign" my position last Friday (feeling like I've been hit when I am down). I said no because I am holding out for unemployment, as I know there is no way I will get a good reference from my company. I've applied with a few positions, but have heard nothing yet. I've been with this company for a while and thought I was an asset (that's all ego talking!!), but apparently not. Who knows what will happen next.


Next issue...my relationship. I've been seeing a great guy casually for a while now and he's absolutely wonderful. I usually try really hard to scare men away, but all of my usual tricks are not working. He's staying and trying to be my shoulder through all of these difficult times. So here's the problem...I'm freaked out by him being such a nice guy. I am waiting for the skeltons to come out of the closet. He keeps telling me there are none, but I find this so hard to believe. I know I should just lay back and have fun, but it's really hard. When you are been down for so long, it's hard to stand and see the beauty.


Anyway, I just wanted a rant. Thanks to all who read this!

[swiftette]

Hi Emms.I had a freind who commited suicide. I saw him a week before and when he saw me, he took my head in his hands, and looked deep into my eyes and just smiled at me(which was out of charector for him to be so "touchy feely"). Then he told my fiance to"take good care of her, she's a good girl". I did'nt think it odd at the time because we had just gotten engaged. But when I found out he was dead, it all made sense. I felt soooo horrible-a whole range of emotions. Angry for why he did it-he was young and had his whole life ahead of him. Sad because I'd never get to see him again. Mad becausehe knew he was going to end it that last time I saw him and kept his anguish to himself like some secret only he knew. And pure grief because I wish I could have done more for him. And of course you picture over and over what it must have been like.If it hurt. Is there aHeaven. But the questions will only cause you immeasurable pain. Not eating is NOT going to bring your freind back. I'm sure she loved you and wanted the best for you. As for sleeping, I think it would be good for you to see a grief councilor-he/she might be able to give you something to help with sleep.Otherwise there isalways tylenol pm. Jobs come and go-no use worrying over that. Tell them you will NOT resign,and if they were any good as human beings, they would be a little merciful after what you've been through. It's not ego-I'm sure you ARE an ass-et, they're just ass-es![img]smileys/smilies_18.gif[/img]And don't sabbotage your relationship-it sounds l ike you have a great guy and you need him more than ever right now. From here on in, you need to live your life like you're living it for BOTH of you. Take in all the great experiences life has to offer because you know she's living on in you. Mabey try to do something to honor her memory. Be strong-you'll get threw!You have to.

[emms]

Swiftette-


I'm all kinds of teary eyed reading your response. Thank you so much for your advice. You are so right that I need to live life for both of us. Thank you. Your words are awesome!


Mara

[sage]

Emms,


What a terrible thing to have happen - I can't imagine it. And it sounds like you're being attacked from all sides of life right now as well...job, relationship. Gak. Sometimes bad sh*t just comes in tsunami form, doesn't it?


The only way out of grief is into it, my dear. I've been a grief counsellor for over 20 years and I can promise you that. Take the time to grieve the loss of your friend. Cry so much and for so long that you just can't do it anymore.


If it was only 2 weeks ago, you're probably still in shock. That feels HORRIBLE. But supressing the sadness won't help. It will make your phobia worse, for one thing...supressed grief rears its ugly head in other ways.


You can't possibly celebrate her life without grieving her loss.


And I agree...if you can, talk to someone else about this. It will help.


All the best!

[roxxi277]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you! I know what it is
like. On August 22, 2002, My ex-boyfriend was killed. It
still hurts to write it. He was working ( he was a landscaper)
and he was edging the grass on the side of a road in front of a
church. A car hit him, and he died instantly. He was only
24. I did the same things you are....trying to imagine what
really happened. Did he see the car before it hit him? Did
someone yell out to him to "look out"? Did he die right away, or
was he in pain for a minute or two? Were his last thoughts
.....I'm going to die? I also found myself not crying a
lot. Then the day of his funneral, I saw his dad walking down the
isle behind his only son's casket.....and lost it. His big strong
father, who owned the landscaping company he worked for almost fell in
the isle, and someone had to help him.....it was a picture that will
never leave me. I know how hard this is for you, and it's hard to
believe, but one day the pain will not be as bad. Your so called
"fog" will lift. As for your new boyfriend, he sounds
wonderful! Try to think about how you deserve someone like
this. He cares for you, and WANTS to be there for you. You
are one of the lucky ones.[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] I hope things look up soon. You will be in my prayers. Carrie

[bexcelica]

all these stories are so sad. i am so sorry girl, thats not something i
have ever been through. i have known people my age who have died, but
never anyone i would call a "friend". everyone is right though, you
will get through it. when my grandmother died i was depressed for
months afterwards. but im okay now you just need time and time sucks
because it goes at its own speed and you have to wait, but good luck
and you know everyone here is always here for you if you need to talk.



becky

[emms]

Thanks to all of you for replying. Everyday is getting a little better. I've only cried once in the last two days. Thank you all for your kind words of understanding!