How can I help/cure my daughter?

[carlie]

She's only just 4 and has so many of the signs.[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] She panics when her belly hurts and thinks she might have to throw up, freaks out if someone gets sick and comes near her (especially her brother), is fanatic about washing her hands before eating and after going to the bathroom (if she forgets she cries and think she's going to get sick from germs), etc. At this age, is there anything I can do to help her? Is shedoomed to struggle with this phobia?

[chicajojobe]

I wish I could say for certain but mine wasn't stopped in childhood so I don't know if it's possible or not.



Still, bravo to your for recognizing the signs and taking the
initiative to try to find ways to help her. You sound like you're a
very good parent. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]



Best of luck to you and I wish the best for your daughter.

[fabulouspaula]

I'm reallysorry to hear about that. I honestly think that it can be prevented from becoming a huge problem later on. What I would do is try to make light of throwing up. Make jokes about it and try to make it seem as though it's not a big deal. The problem with phobics is that they associate the thing that they're afraid of as almost as terrifying as dying. So I think it's a really good idea to get rid of that association. So as an example, if there's a movie on where someone throws up, instead of nervously looking at your daughter and watching how she reacts, try to make a joke about it and act as though it's not a big deal at all. I truly do think if you can get rid of your daugher's feeling that being sick is an awful thing, she'll have no problems with the phobia later on.


Incidentally, my younger brother, who is 13, told me a while ago that he's terrified of throwing up, and I think it's because I make a big deal about it all the time. Well, right now he's in China with his friend and friend's family. They've ALL gotten sick, and other people in their group have been getting sick all over the place. (I don't mean to scare anyone by the way, it's just because it's so hot there and they've been exhausted from busy days). I talked to him the other day, and just because he's seen that people can be sick but still get over it and have a good time has totally gotten rid of his phobia.


Sorry about rambling on, but my point is that just by making sure that your daughter sees that being sick isn't the end of the world, I think you can completely get rid of the threat of this phobia early on.

[spilled_milk]

You are a great parent for recognizing the signs early!!!


I started showing signs of the phobia when I was about three, and my parents dismissed it or thought that it wasn't anything to worry about (or maybe didn't even notice it) until I was eight, when I asked for help myself. I think that by getting help early on you can combat the fear before it becomes a huge problem, or at least start dealing with it. I've heard that children learn the most when they're young, so getting help with the phobia now would be good.


<3 Anya--

[boholoop]

Your daughter sounds as if she is showing signs of OCD, as I'm sure it is linked to this phobia, certainly the process of washing hands can become obssessive. It's difficult to know what to do with a child so young, except to try and make them feel safe and I think its a great idea of fabulouspaula's to joke about it and show her that you yourself do not worry about being sick. I know I find great comfort in the reassurance of my family that they do not see it as a big deal!

[carlie]

Thanks everyone. You should also know that I've got the phobia. I've done very well at hiding it from my kids. I take care of them when they are sick and my husband says I don't let them see my fear. I know he would be honest with me, because he's willing to take care of them if I can't handle it.


Anyway, I feel as though I'm not such a great parent or my child wouldn't have gotten it. Because I am one, I recognize all the early signs I had at her same age. I know I was born with it and I strongly suspect she was too. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


Thanks for all your advice. I feel horrible for passing this on to her.

[samara's on tv]

Like FabulousPaula said, try to make it something that isn't such a big deal. I remember growing up my sister would get sick all the time. I always remember my mom saying to her, "If you don't stop throwing up we're going to have to take you to the hospital." I think that fueled my fear even more. For me going to the hospital was a bad thing...it isn't so much any more because I've spent so much time in the ER but back then it was terrible.


If you take care of her when she's sick and everything then she probably didn't get the fear from you. Sometimes things just develope on their own. You should remind her that she probably will get sick but you will always be there to take care of her when it happens.


~Monica

[sage]

Carlie,


Nobody is "born with" a phobia. Phobias are absolutely, without question a "learned behavior" meaning the brain has to learn to be afraid of something - it doesn't come from birth. However, anxiety in a mother can most certainly lead to increased anxiety in a child...even though you "hide it", your child can sense it. These things can be learned very early in childhood, though - in the "preverbal stage", so you can't remember how/when it started.


You may wish to go see a registered play therapist or other child psychologist for your little one. These things are VERY EASILY treated or "un-learned" at this age. Whereas if it continues into adulthood, it's pretty firmly fixed in there.

[carlie]

Sage, I respect your opinion and this response is in no way meant to be argumentative, but geniune curiosity.


My daughter showed signs after her first stomach virus incident. Because I was working, I wasn't even the one caring for her. Her daddy was and he is very calm and nuturing. Because of this and because I know my family is in no way "responsible" for me having this phobia, has lead me to believe that some people are just "programed" to have this intense fear. For what reason, I don't know. I can remember incidents as young as 4 myself where I would freak if I felt sick or someone around me got sick.


I appreciate your advice. I will check into what you mentioned. However, I'm not convinced that this fear is caused by anything (and I mean no disrespect to you in stating that) based on my own experience of dealing with this phobia. I also admit I'm not trained in any way to know what causes it or how to deal with it.


Thanks again.

[Galadriel]

I think that phobias can stem from possibly an inherited tendency to be a nervous/anxious child. What I mean is say the mother is an anxious person, is afraid of many things, and she has a child, the child inherits the "building blocks" to start a phobia. This is hard to explain. For example, my mother is a very anxious person, she herself has lots of fears, and I could haev either inherited the tendency myself to be that way, or just picked up on it in childhood seeing her and reacted by being a phobic myself.


I don't think necessarily a parent has to be a phobic tho or have fears for the child to get them. Some phobics have parents that don't have anything of the sort. Environment can also play a role too. Just something happens to set the fear off, and hence a phobia is developed.


These are just some of my views, its still up for debate and speculation. Its interesting that your daughter became phobic after she was sick with a bug. I too had that "trigger" the fear for me. Maybe the ingredients were there for her to become phobic and having the sv set it off.

[sage]

Phobias and other anxiety disorders are a problem in the brain, for sure. The brain thinks you're in danger when you're not. But the brain only remembers to be afraid of the same thing if it happens in your lifetime - you can't just be born afraid. However, the tendency to take family anxiety of any kind (and this could even come from stuff happening to the child's parents' family) and turn it into a phobia CAN be "inherited". Similar to taking a trauma and turning it into a phobia.


I don't actually like the word "cause" either, because it's too limiting. In the field of psychotherapy we speak of "contributing factors" to mental illnesses or disorders, rather than "causes". For one thing, if you're convinced a kid is born this way, it will bring her feelings of worthlessness. If someone tries to imply you did this to her, or the family "caused" it, that would bring you feelings of worthelessness. Neither is helpful.


There are most certainly a number of contributing factors to anything. For one thing, the first time a child is sick in a scary way (and vomiting is scary for everyone)...mommy not being there is quite traumatizing. I'm not blaming you (for working no less!) I'm just saying that no matter how caring daddy is, he's not mommy. Even little tiny monkeys run back to mom when they're sick - avoiding all playmates or other "foster" parents. But there would have to be more factors than that. The fact YOU have an anxiety disorder, again, is another contributing factor to your daughter's anxiety. Kids can smell fear in the air - literally. You can pretend you're calm all you like, but the truth is you're not.


No matter what we might like to think, there has been no gene found (yet, anyway) for phobia or any other kind of mental illness for that matter. There are always a number of things that add up, much like a "perfect storm". The good news is that because these things are, in fact, learned...they can be UNlearned. That's why I'd recommend a play therapist for your child.


All the best!