hi,


Im a 20 year old girl and i was told about this website a few months ago, however, i have only just plucked up the courage to check it out. For some reason, i was scared to death about researching this phobia. It brought tears to my eyes reading about peoples experiences as i finally do not feel alone anymore.


I remember the first time i was affected by this. It was about 3years ago,I was at my boyfriends house and i suddenly started to feel a bit ill, then hot, then i started to shake and panic. This lasted about an hour, then i felt fine. A few months prior to this, i had witnessed my boyfriend being ill but was completely fine with it. I sat in the bathroom and comforted him throughout the night.A few days after my first panic attack, i had just eaten dinner when the same feelin occured. I decided not to eat for a couple of days. Over the next few weeks i convinced myself that if i ate, i would be ill, therefor i didnt eat.


Very quickly, i began to lose control of my life. For almost a year, i locked myself in my bedroom and cried. I felt soashamed and confused as to what was going on that i didnt open up to anyone except my boyfriend as i didnt think people would understand or take me seriously. I had to drop out of college as i was so scared of leaving the house. During classes, i would become so panicky that i would tell the teacher i was going to the toilet and i would just go home. I couldnt face explaining it to anyone. I couldnt evengo to thecinema or theatre (which is my biggest love) as it was to traumatic for me.


I started to lose touch with my friends as when they would invite me out, i would have to make excuses. I didnt have a life, i was too scared to do anything other than lock myself in my room. If someone so much as mentioned the word v**** i would panic, let alone if i saw someone being sick. When i have these panic attacks, i turn into a different person, i feel totally out of control and cry and shake hystericly. It would be so bad sometimes, that i would b walking and would just have to freeze, because if i moved another step, it was to much for my stomach to handle. I became a different person.I couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. I started to accept that this was a part of me and always would be.


My doctor diagnosed me with glandular fever. So aswell as being depressed, underweight, lonely and scared, i was constantly tired. I saw a psychotherapist and im still not quite sure whether he helped. He thought that i was unhappy with my life (of course i was) but he made me dig deeper into my feelings and made me realise i could change some things. So i did. I split with my boyfriend and started my dream career, it was crazy, in a matter of 4 weeks my life turned around, everything fell into place and i seemed to be cured.


I met a new boyfriend and i was so content with my life, everything was perfect. I was the happiest i had ever been. I didnt panic for about a year. I ate in restaraunts (i was fussy but it was still a huge step!) went to the theatre and started clubbing again. As i said, i was like this for a year. Then it slowly crept back up on me.


I try and smile so that people dont worry about me anymore and i dont panic as much as before but it still happens often. For instance, i still go clubbing and to the theatre, but i have to starve myself all day so that i no my stomach is empty. I try not to drag other people into it so ive found that writing helps! I have recently tried hypnotherapy but not really had much success. My career is so important to me and im so scared that because of this phobia it wont work out. I find this emotionally draining.I really am starting to wonder again whether i should just accept this as a part of me.


Saying that though, it is comforting knowing that i can talk to people who understand.