day for consequence

[momtecz]

Keeley and I had a great day yesterday she went shopping for the first time since Christmas when this phobia all restarted for her ....she bought new clothes, jewlery ect....she was so excited to go into school today at her required time of 1:00 ... she was dressed and ready to go in to school even early!!! I just got a phone call and she was crying and that she was too nervous to go into school.. i tried to reassure her that she can do it and then i just told her that when i get home today she will have to face her consequences of losing her phone tonight and an early bed time without tv...she will have to read before bed....i feel so sick to do this for her but she needs to use her coping skills that she has learned in therapy over the last few months....this sickness makes no sense...yesterday she was out shopping with me for hours and today she is unable to go into school for 2 hours....i wish this phobia would just let her be!

[Kittycat319]

Hey I'm so sorry that Keeley had a bad day today
You're doing a great job though and from the sounds of yesterday so is she. That's the thing about this phobia though it hits at the most random times, there are good days and bad days.
I really hope that after this one she is able to have more good days

[momtecz]

I'm so sad to give Keeley a consequence kittycat319...I don't even want to go home today from work I hope she will have better days ahead!!! Thank you for your support!!

[punchbuggy]

I know it is hard for you and I would feel the exact same way because I don't necessarily agree with the therapists recommendation of consequences however reassure yourself that you are doing this to try to help your daughter and keep In mind the greater good is going to give her so much freedom and happiness from emetophobia. You are not a punitive mother you are helping your daughter who you love and only want the best for .

[emet68]

Hi momtecz, I haven't read all of your posts concerning your daughter but I was curious about the consequences that she has to face in not using her coping skills. My daughter suffers from anxiety but not from emetophobia. I have received different advice from doctors on how to deal with it. One said not to punish her because of something she couldn't control, the other said to take things away from her that are important. I find that when I take something away, she is in such a state of panic that she doesn't even care. She gets so worked up that any consequence becomes useless. Does this happen to you? How do you deal with it?
Sorry, I meant to say earlier that I go through the same thing - one afternoon my daughter and I are shopping like best friends, the next morning she can't bring herself to get on the subway to go to school (something she's been doing alone for months!).

[jmoore10]

I feel so badly for both you and your sweet Keeley. Emet is so weird in that sometimes it just rears up and takes over for no apparent reason. Even as an adult, I can be having a great day or couple of days but one little thing (or even nothing at all) will knock me back on my butt.
Even though she probably desperately wants to accomplish X goal, that nagging fear takes over and she can't see past that. Reassure her and love her unconditionally-thats all you can do.
Please keep the faith, both of you

[jadeshine]

Punishment for anxiety seems ludicrous to me. I know it is your doctors doing and not your own, but I feel like this could REALLY affect her negatively in the long run.

[momtecz]

Emet68...Keeley has been in Exposure therapy since February and has come a long way ....she used to want to spend 8 hours a day sitting in front of the toilet and it was a struggle to even get her out of the bathroom at all....she has learned some great coping skills over this time and at first we used only a reward type system and postitive reinforcement with her after completing daily exposures and when she was unable to complete them we we would just say "ok maybe tomorrow Keeley" and we never were to push her to do more than what she could do......she has been on homebound instruction for school since January and hasn't been to school all day since before Christmas break....she was introduced back to school through exposure at her pace...she would at first just be driven over to the parking lot and sit in the car...then driven in the parking lot and had to just go to the front door without going in ...it was a very slow process...she then was to pick a day and go to class for however much time she could handle and from there she was to pick 2 days a wk and go for a time she felt comfortable with....this consequence system just began after therapy last Tuesday when Keeley said she wouldn't go to school or to go take her State exams with her teacher at night as she was supposed to...it was at that time her therapist said " ok Keeley you have the skills to handle going in to school and now you need the nudge to do so....the days she picks to go to school and then refuses she will lose her cell phone for the remaining of the day and night and have to go to bed in her room at 8:30 and read or such without electronics...the cell phone is the only leverage we have over her...we certainly would never tell her she cant go with a friend or be limited to the house for a set amount of time because that is what we WANT her to do....yesterday when she called me to tell me she was unable to go to school due to anxiety was horrible for me...i cried here at work because i knew what i would have to do once i got home...I felt so badly to punish her for this knowing it wasn't her doing but the Emet not allowing her to go...She faced it and got through the night and told me that "tomorrow I will WIN mom" i wont let IT win" ...i hope today she will be able to go into class for her 2 hours and be able to be with her friends and expose herself to her fears...she misses her classmates very much ...I just want my little girl back that was once active....and happy....I've said this in earlier posts that I wish it was ME with this horrible sickness and not my 10 year old...I would give ANYTHING to get her better....
Thank you all for your input...advice and sympathetic ear for that is way I am on this forum...I myself am not living with this but truely in my heart I am hurting too with this phobia... as watching my child try to fight this is the most saddest thing ever...May God grace you all with the power...courage and will to overcome and get your lives back as I wish for my Keeley!

[momtecz]

Emet68...also I must say I worry that this consequence thing may also backfire and be something that Keeley wont even care about....I pray this doesn't happen because right now its all we have.... Anxiety is a horrible thing...my hope your daughter finds the inner strength to overcome it and do the things she has been doing...and know that she HAS the control over her life and not allow the anxiety Control HER!!! I am always trying to remain positive with Keeley and believe me it is hard but I will continue to listen to doctors and to the therapist because I surley dont know how to handle this...Keeley before therapy had lost 15 pounds refusing to eat and was only taking liquids from me off a spoon...she was to the point of a feeding tube and then a light went off for her and she began listening too to the doctors and her Dad and I about just how sick she really was....All I can do is stick to this plan and hope that it is the right thing....Keeley has come a long way but also has a long way to go....punishment for this disease may not be the way to go but I will see today if it at all worked and see if she can push through the anxiety and go to class....God Bless you and may you have the strength to fight this everyday!!

[emet68]

Thank you for responding, momtecz. This is so hard for anyone involved. I came across a blog a couple of weeks ago that may be of interest to you - a mom in Florida went through the same thing with her daughter last year. You may have already seen it by doing your own research. If not, I hope it helps and provides encouragement for you and your daughter. I don't think I'm breaking any rules by posting the link since it is not a forum or chat room.
http://emetophobiadeconstructed.blog...8_archive.html

[emet68]

Hi momtecz, I tried to post a link to a blog that may provide some encouragement but my comment was being moderated so it hasn't shown up. (One of my comments from last week was being moderated and has yet to show up in the forum - no reason given.) Anyway, it is NOT a chat room or forum. Perhaps you can Google it - try "emetophobia deconstructed" - it should be the first item that comes up.

[andee]

Hi, I know what you are going through. I, myself, was almost at that same point of not eating, not going to school, and was hospitalized for malnutrition, etc. They had me on a "contract," where I had to gain a certain amount of weight to get privileges, and if I lost any, more things would get taken away. It was awful, but it did make me try harder and eventually gain enough to leave the hospital. I was sort of treated like I had an eating disorder, which I guess I did. My parents were great and loving and supportive, but sometimes they would give in to me, which I liked but was not good for me. They had to learn how to be strong and not give in. I know it must be so heartbreaking for you to be "tough," but I think it will motivate her, and as long as you are there for her and support her like I know you have been, it should be okay. Hang in there and feel free to pm me if you'd like. Take care to you both!

[KimberlyP]

this sickness makes no sense...yesterday she was out shopping with me for hours and today she is unable to go into school for 2 hours....i wish this phobia would just let her be!

Momtecz- I think you're such an amazing mother. You are so understanding and patient. I feel as if I am the same as your daughter. I have 'attached' myself to my husband. I can go in public, eat out, go shopping pretty much anything as long as he is in my line of sight. I feel that if I were to be ill or pass out (my other phobia) he could protect me, sort of. He's like my life preserver. I totally understand that this isn't a healthy part of a relationship. I wonder if your daughter feels the same...like you're her life preserver.

[Tonster]

If God is for us, who (or what) can be against us hugs as Kimberly said, you are an amazing Mum.

[emmalinda]

First off, let me start by saying you are a wonderful mother. Secondly I know what your daughter and yourself are going through. But especially Keely. My mum did not do a very good job with me when I was 10 and going through the same thing. It was horrible for me becasue I was alone and made myself go to school everyday. Anxious or not. Forcing myself to be there and to just 'cope' with it, did not work. In the end I ended up skipping. I wanted to stay in class but couldnt and ended up thinking of a million excuses to go home or to just walk around town all day in my uniform with my backpack, becasue my mum would become mad at me if I went home. After a while it became too much and I didnt go to school or leave the house for months. I was house bound and my mother was angry at me becasue I couldnt budge out of the front door. We went to many doctor appointments and had multiple tests but of course they were all inconclusive. The one thing that helped me cope during one of my panic attack moments was my phone. Back then it was a cheap nokia that barely had colour, but I was able to distract myself with it when I felt ill. Im not sure I too, agree with the punishment theory for this specific anxiety disorder. We rely on things that symbolise relaxation and distraction. Take something thats close to us away and our anxiety could intensify, knowing that object is gone incase we should ever need to use it. There is something about disciplining her on doing something that she cant help very well that doesnt seem right to me. It seems like a very negative technique. Sooner or later she could suffer in silence in fear of being punished again. It may sound like a good idea accept this is what I did when I kept getting in trouble for coming home and having to put up with it felt like someone was holding me down constantly. It was very forceful in a way. To this day I am still emetophobic so it obviously didnt work. Exposure therapy is a good technique although it seems to me if her anxiety is great in town and away from home, but grows when she goes to school, then its the school yard thats making her fear develop. Maybe keep concentrating on that becasue it is a scary place to be when you're anxious. Im no therapist but I can relate to your situation so well. If I had a chance to go back in time and figure out what would of helped me with my fear, it would be maybe a reverse of what you're doing now. Instead of talking about being grounded and taking her things away, give her something to look forward to. If she can withstand 2 hours, you can go shopping again, or cook a delicious meal at home (if she doesnt like going out to eat), do her favourite activity. I know when I had something to look forward to and I wanted to go home, I just concentrated on that and it got me through the day. Knowledge is also a powerful tool. I learnt all about stomach viruses and bugs and how to be safely hygenic and recognising symptoms of indegestion and IBS compared to that of an illness, (because we're always feeling sick!) knowing all about how the body works and when it needs to be sick allowed me to do a lot of positive self talking and reassuance to myself when I began to feel how she does. (As weird as that may sound.) Im sorry if I rambled on but you're doing a very good job with your daughter in trying to get though this with her. Your being very empathetic and understanding. I wish my mum was like that.