Will I ever get better?

[kel12347]

This is getting so depressing. I've been busting my butt on challenging negative thoughts and exposure therapy for about a month now, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I guess I am making some progress, like I am starting to challenge the thoughts more automatically, and I am making progress on the videos, but other issues have popped up that make me feel like I'm getting worse.


I've now developed the fear that hearing something "gross" may make me vomit. For example, I went to the jail today to visit my murder client with my boss. I knew it was going to be rough, so I took half a lorazepam, because I did not want to have a panic attack in front of my boss (I tend to have panic attacks in the jail). So I have a panic attack on the way there, but managed to get through it. Then as we're leaving the facility, my boss tells me that she thinks our client killed the baby by causing blunt trauma to the head. I freak out and get horribly anxious, and have another panic attack. Now, I readily understand that even the thought of a child getting hurt that way is disturbing and disgusting, but instead of me being able to say, "that's terrible" and move on, I work myself into a panic attack, afraid that just the words will make me vomit. Even dirty jokes make me anxious now, and I used to love 'em. Can anyone help?


I don't know if you guys remembethe two vomit incidents that happened in the holding room of my courtroom the last week. Well, you've guessed it, now I'm terrified to go in there too. I worried half the night about having to go in there today (turned out I didn't have to, none of my clients in custody), but this CANNOT become a habit. Why is my fear branching out into previous okay territory? Please don't tell me that it will get worse and worse until I associate everything with vomit.


GRRRR!

[crystalmom]

You won't associate everything with vomit...the very thought of being in the same room as some who killed a baby is enough to give me a panic attack, without even thinking about vomit. How horrible! You have a very stressful job, and though I am hardly educated enough to give advice, I would say that the job ADDS to the problem, and maybe if you got some serious relaxation, even if only for brief periods of time (like meditation for 5 minutes before court) that may help. I mean I think that when a panic attack starts we, as emets, automatically associate THAT with v*ing. I would think that the anxiety caused by certain thing (like a murderer) would trigger panic, which would make you associate THAT with v*ing. Maybe relaxation before stressful situations could help alliviate anxiety, which in turn, could alliviate the "phobia". [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]


Hope I'm kinda helpful!


Crystal

[samara's on tv]

I'm afraid that I'll SEE something SO GROSS that it'll make me throw up. Like I was watching Dawn Of The Dead the other day and it was so nasty that it made me feel a little Nauseaous. And talking about Gross don't see Hellraiser...that movie is NASTY! Anyway, I understand how you feel. It must be hard working on a murder case, that would be stressful enough on me. I think maybe you are just under a lot of stress and it's manifesting itself into your phobia. I'm no psychologist (Although I want to be one [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]) but isn't that possible? That you are just stressed out?


~Monica

[sage]

Emetophobes don't vomit when they see something gross - or hear about it. That's a fact you can enter into evidence - lol! Honestly, though. ....we just don't. In our imagination we "catastrophize" to try to make ourselves believe it, but it's something that just isn't true.


As for your feelings, kel...I've been reading your posts lately and I really do believe you're getting better. It's just the storm before the calm, I think. Something about therapy that brings up so many emotions that just sitting in them feels worse for a time. But healing is really right around the corner. Just keep plowing through it.


I think I didn't really realize I was "cured" until quite some time afterward, and looking back. YOu almost have to think of how you were a year ago, and use that for comparison...as opposed to how you were a week ago or whatever.


Just hang in there and keep doing what you 're doing. It will get better soon.

[suzy.o]

You are fighting it too much hun, I know youre eager to get back to your phobic free life and its annoying when it is still there sniggering at you no matter how much you try to get rid of it, The thing is, and it sounds bad, is the phobia is a part of you and not a fruitcake trying its best to invade your life, its an inside thing. We cant run away from ourselves or our thoughts, this is what you need to accept and only that way you will be able to realise that even though you cant stand it and its spoiling your day for now you do have the power to control it, not with determination but with accepting you have to accomidate this horror and learn how to get it to behave enough for you to continue with your life. You wont feel like you do now for ever.