Emetophobia is Ruining My Life!!! Advice Please?

[mes5344]

Emetophobia is ruining my life! I've been having a really rough few days and am hoping that you all may be able to relate to my anxieties and offer me some advice.

I've been dating an extremely wonderful man for about 9 months now. He considers me a total germ-a-phobe, and is completely okay and understanding of that because his mom is also a germ-a-phobe, coincidentally. He does not, however, know about or understand the extent of my emetophobia.

My boyfriend has a house and recently invited me to move in with him. I feel like normally this should be really exciting. I never in a million years thought I would ever find someone who was able to tolerate my germ-a-phobe/emetophobia habits so I am extremely thankful to have found him. If it weren't for my emetophobia, I'm pretty sure I would be planning to spend the rest of my life and starting a family with him. The problem is that his house only has one bathroom. As I'm sure you can all relate, I NEED my own bathroom. I can't risk catching noro from him. What happens if he does get sick? I can't share a bathroom with a sick person! What would I do?! Not shower or go to the bathroom for a week?!

The second thing is that he has asthma. So far, he hasn't had any extreme coughing or anything while I was ever around him and he has been able to keep it under control with an inhaler, but what is going to happen later on in life? If I do end up spending the rest of my life with him, what will I do if he ends up with a really nasty extreme cough when he is old? That's something that I know I will not be able to handle. I've heard people with asthma frequently have a type of "barking" cough. I know I will not be able to live with someone with any type of consistent cough. Every time I hear someone cough my body instantly fills with anxiety and I begin to panic that they are going to throw up.

So now I'm debating about ending things before they go on any longer. If I'm not able to live with him when he's old, theres no point in continuing to drag him along and waste his time, right? It would only be fair to end it with him now, wouldn't it? I'm so frustrated because a large part of me really feels like he is the one I am meant to be with, but I'm so frustrated because the one I'm meant to be with is someone who I cannot live with!

My life could go one of two ways: married to an amazing man living a great/normal life, or living alone so that I can avoid anything that triggers anxiety. I don't know what to do and its starting to make me really depressed and anxious. Does anyone have any advice? I know I should not let emetophobia control my life, but its just so much easier said than done!

[Pigatron]

I had the same worries as you are having when I moved in with my husband 9 years ago, at which time he was my boyfriend. We also had been dating for about 9 months at the time. He moved into my apartment, which is tiny and has only one bathroom. I remember being very anxious about the eventuality of him getting sick and having to share a bathroom. And of course, it happened. I think it was only a year or two that we'd been living together, we had a terrible night that I will never forget. For several hours starting at dinnertime, he suffered from an excruciating stomach ache, he was pacing around agony and I was unable to help him. He kept saying he wasn't n*, but I felt that he was just trying to keep me from freaking out, since he knew about my phobia. Eventually though, around midnight, he couldn't fight it anymore and went into the bathroom and closed the door. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I covered my ears, but that wasn't enough. I heard a slight retching sound and ran out of the apartment, barely having time to put on shoes and grab a jacket. I took my cell phone and walked around the block, alone, not a great idea in our neighborhood at that hour. But I was blinded to common sense by my fear. I even called my best friend who lives 60 miles away and asked her could she pick me up at the train station. But I guess I realized that was an outlandish idea at 1am. Meanwhile, my boyfriend was suffering alone in our bathroom. After a little while, he called me on my cell phone and persuaded me to come back inside. He said he only v* once and felt 100% better. (Looking back, it might not have even been a sv.) But I was totally panicked and would not go into the bathroom. I stayed in the kitchen that night. I dragged a comforter in there and sat on the floor. I didn't brush my teeth and even peed into a plastic cup and poured it down the drain! (I threw that cup away!). The next day, I took off work and bought bleach. I wore a mask, gloves, and bleached every surface in the bathroom. I was lucky that it was a short-lived thing, and I never caught it (if there was even anything to catch). Since then, he hasn't v* and neither have I. He is very understanding of my phobias and allows me to obsessively clean everything and panic over the craziest things.

If you feel you're compatible with your boyfriend otherwise, I would urge you to not end things just because of your phobia. My husband brings joy and companionship to my life, and to let the phobia get in the way of that would've been a shame. I mean, 99.99% of the time, people are not ill and you can enjoy yourselves. And if he did get ill, you will just be very careful. Wear a mask, gloves, and spray bleach all over the place. And maybe eventually you can get a two-bedroom house. The asthma thing, I don't know much about. If he has it under control, maybe it will never become an issue. My brother-in-law has asthma and I've never heard him cough or even mention it. If your boyfriend has it under control now, if he stays generally healthy (which you can help him with), maybe it could continue that way. Let's face it, getting older sucks for everyone, and we can't stop bad things from happening. Not just related to v*, but other health concerns that are also scary. But it's so much nicer to go through life with a loving partner.

[mes5344]

Thank you very much Pigatron for sharing your story!! It makes me feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one who thinks/acts this way. You reminded me of a time when I was a child and away at camp. The counselor for our cabin ended up getting sick in the middle of the night, so I grabbed my blanket and went outside in the dark woods without a flashlight and went inside of a different cabin, where I slept on the floor with a mouse. Crazy how at the time sleeping on the floor of a cabin that had a mouse was better than sleeping on my bed in a cabin where the counselor was sick!! I think that if I do move in with my boyfriend I'll have to come up with some type of emergency plan for when he gets sick ahead of time. Hopefully that will help me from panicking and running if the time ever comes. You make a great point that getting old does just suck in general. Although I take every precaution possible to ensure I am always healthy, who knows, I could still end up with cancer or something far worse than asthma. I guess you just have to hope for the best and deal with it if/when it happens. I'm glad to hear that everything ended up well for you! Congratulations on a great 9 years! I hope I will be able to be in your place in a few more years!

[Pigatron]

So glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better about the situation. Oh my word, your story about sleeping on the floor with a mouse made me laugh out loud!! I like your idea of having an "emergency plan" just in case your boyfriend gets sick. It couldn't hurt and would probably help to alleviate some anxiety. Hmm, maybe I should make an emergency plan too! For instance, going to somebody else's house is always a possibility. Although it makes me a little sad to imagine that if the tables were turned and I were sick, my husband would take care of me and certainly not leave the apartment. But in the reverse situation, there I go running out the door as fast as possible. Looking back, it is almost funny, but in the moment, it is pure panic. Anyway, it is comforting to know that people on this forum share the same fears. Best wishes to you and your boyfriend!