Today marks the rest of my life: Semi-goodbye
My emetophobia has lasted for a bit over three years so far, beginning on the 20th of September, 2010. My whole family caught the stomach bug, but only my sister threw up lots - the rest of us just felt nauseous. It was the day before my very first trip overseas to New Zealand (talk about Murphey's Law). At first, I wasn't scared at all. I dealt with it normally, accepted that I felt like crap and moved on. Then the nausea hung around for longer than it should have. For two weeks, I felt bad. I thought: okay, this feeling will be gone my the end of this month. It was still there. It stayed for months and months. I went to the doctors and had so many tests, but there was nothing wrong with me. No virus. It was strange, because I didn't really have any anxiety during that time. But eventually, I figured I needed to wash my hands more to stop getting any viruses because I don't want to go through this again. And then I knew I was taking so many precautions that I usually wouldn't worry about. Before I knew it, I had emetophobia.
My sister, who only got sick once in 5 years started getting sick at least twice a year. I couldn't describe the amount of sheer blind terror I was experiencing every time she was sick. I told my parents and friends about it, but they didn't understand the extent of fear I had. My dad would laugh about it, which made me feel utterly sad and lost. Don't get me wrong, he's not rude or mean, he just didn't get it. And rightfully so - he doesn't understand my phobia like I don't understand a phobia of tin foil. One day, out of curiosity, I searched on the internet, 'fear of vomit', and I found out there was a name for it, and that many people have this phobia. I also found this forum.
In august 2013, after my sister got sick yet again, I became a member. I began posting, and reading other posts. In these posts, I read about all these things that I could do to prevent it; bleach, grape juice, special hand sanitizers that are ridiculously expensive etc. It was making my fear even worse. My Opa (grandad in German) had health problems that were beginning to swallow his ability to walk and talk. He lost hope. To see him deteriorating after going through so much - fighting in World War II, migrating to Australia and losing his wife when she was 60 - was heartbreaking. I wish I could have met my Oma (grandma). On September the 28th, 5 am, there was a small but intense storm that only hit around my suburb. That storm didn't feel right to me or my family. When me and my mum were on our way to the beach, I picked up my mum's mobile at 11, and my Opa's nurse lady told me that he was having trouble breathing. I knew she was trying to be discrete, but basically she was telling me that he was passing away. We tried to hurry back, but it was an hour's drive. Ten minute's later after the first call, my dad rang telling me that he was gone. An overwhelming warm chill came over me. I think people who have experienced their loved ones passing away knows what that chill feels like. On the same day, the 28th, the city that I live in had a festival called Riverfire. I watched the fireworks and pretended they were for my Opa, to celebrate his amazing life. When he died, my phobia started to get worse, as I was constantly feeling sad.
Now that I've shown my parents this forum, and the information, they understand my phobia more. I've been to two therapists, and they've helped in small ways, but they don't fully understand this phobia, either. About an hour ago, I gathered as much courage as I could, and told my parents that I'm not in a good place. I had been thinking about self-harm, and I needed to tell someone. Those thoughts are not like me. I'm not that sort of person. I am worth something.
I had a life three years ago, and it was leaving me. I'm going to get it back. I am fourteen years old. I love to learn, I love singing, music and art. I have a lot of time left, and I'm not intending on spending it feeling trapped in my skin with emetophobia. I'm no longer going to post on the general or help and support sections, private or not. I'm not going to read anymore posts, although I would love to help and give advice when I'm better. The only place I'm going to read posts or post myself is on the triumph section.
I need you all to promise me that you will try your very hardest to rid yourself of this unnecessary burden in your wonderful life. Do it for me and yourself. I'll see you soon after I have triumphed. =)
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