Always taking two steps back (some parts are graphic)

[Irenemarie08]

Hi I have been coming to this website for over a year, not just for the knowledge that there are others out there like me but also because my OCD demands it. I cannot remember my life without this phobia. I remember my brother getting sick in the car and my other brother getting sick often from migraines. Over the years, my emetophobia has had its ups and down but recently I have been at the lowest point of my life. I got out of an abusive relationship that lasted for 7 years and resulted in three children. But my OCD started getting out of control when I was getting hit, or food thrown at me, or garbage thrown on the floor, or trying to be suffocated by a pillow. First it started off by checking everything 7 times. Then it progressed to using hand sanitizer obsessively( sometimes putting it in my eyes, nose and even my mouth). And now I wash my hands in excess of 100 times a day which makes them crack and bleed, I have to use dish soap and bleach cleaner together to wash, I have to wear two pairs of gloves when I leave the house( one pair latex and the other winter) even in the summer, I don't go to restaurants or anywhere but the grocery store and when I get home my showering routine takes at least an hour. My fear is of others getting sick. We all caught norovirus in 2010 and it was the most awful experience of my life. I take 200mgs of Zoloft, 150 mg of ranitidine and 200 mg of hydroxyzine. I also suffer from Bipolar I disorder and h. Pylori. I have talked to therapists who don't understand and some who do but I keep getting worse.

The he real reason I am posting was to tell my back story but also vent. Last night, my boyfriend came in from outside where he was drinking and smoking and asked me to come into the bathroom. He was in the tub and telling me he was drunk and that I needed to check on him. First I got insanely mad and screamed at him about his irresponsibility and how he needs to grow up. But I calmed down and was putting cool cloths on his neck and getting him water. All of a sudden he says get me to the bathroom. He goes in there and starts v*ing super loud. I ran into the kitchen and covered my ears and started crying. Finally I got enough courage to go see him and there was v* on the floor. I freaked out and wanted to punch him( I get angry around drunk people). But once again the caring side took over and I had to clean it up and the toilet and he crawled his way to the living room. Then for added fund he sick again on a towel by his head and fell asleep in it. I was so angry. I went and got all of the kids and we slept in my room. He tried to come in the bedroom 3 times and I shooed him away but I did get him clothes.

When I woke up this morning, I was expecting someone that be grateful and apologetic towards me but instead he was a complete jerk. I had to throw out the towels and steam clean the carpet. I told him how much it hurt that he drank like that with children in the house and he said " I'll stop when you get rid of your OCD and mental disorder". I am just so depressed right now. He is all I have besides my children. My family has disowned me and I feel so alone. Thank you for listening to my ranting. And I read your posts daily and I think the support that everyone gives each other is inspiring and essential to the recovery process

[mdgirl1977]

Oh my god, honey. I am so sorry! You have a lot going on. I am going to tackle the few big issues here and give you my advice, take it or leave it.

First of all, it sounds like you stumbled into another abusive relationship from just reading what you wrote about last night and his comments to you today. NO ONE deserves to be talked to that way. No one. You have three children, I imagine, under 10. Right? They cannot and should not see their mother talked to in that manner. NOPE. I don't care if you walk around wrapped in saran wrap with a tin foil hat on your head speaking in tongues. That is unacceptable. Have you considered leaving? I imagine this kind of lack of support and verbal abuse is not helping you.

Second, I am sorry about last night. Drunk people are terrible and drunk ADULTS throwing up are even worse. He is a grown man. If he wants to drink to oblivion, fine, but go sleep somewhere else and clean up your own v. Good lord. Does he drink like this frequently?

Third, I am sorry you suffer from such bad OCD. I do as well, but not 100% to that degree. I wear winter gloves to pump gas, even in 100 degree weather. I wash my hands a ton, maybe 50 times a day. I find that gold bond hand lotion is THE BEST. I have eczema and my hands bleed but this stuff makes my hands look healed after one application. Go get it! I also never ever eat out. Not even a fountain drink. I haven't eaten out properly in like 10 years. No shame in that. I go to the grocery store and buy the same 20-30 foods for my son and I.

Fourth, there are ALWAYS options and solutions. Do you see a therapist? Have you read any books on anxiety and OCD? I have a ton in my house and can send you a few titles to get from the library that may help a bit. I understand it is so daunting, especially when you have kids that need you. Who has time to work on themselves, right? But it is important that you try to make a few small steps, if only for your kids. Does that make sense?

I am here if you want to PM (private message) me anytime, ok?

HUGS HUGS HUGS