feeling lost, really need some kind words

[amandalynn73]

I'm feeling lost. I've suffered from anxiety/ocd/ panic disorder driven by emetophobia for 9 years now. my anxiety stems from the murder of my mother & father and my brother crying so hard he V*, then from being 6 years old and telling my teacher i was sick all day and she refused to help telling me it was nerves until i got sick in front of everyone and finally when i was 13 and a child in class behind me got sick and nearly got some on me... thats when i had my first panic attack.

I've gone thru tough periods which led me to agoraphobia or just limiting my activities. With help of therapy and medication I had greatly improved, but each winter with the fear of norovirus my anxiety spikes. Normally with my periods of anxiety I have been able to push through and do really well.
This past spring I found out I was pregnant and was forced to stop all my medications somewhat quickly and suffered horrible with drawl and mood swings nearly tearing apart my marriage. After that my therapist of 9 years passed away suddenly, and it really screwed me up. I've been going to therapy the best I can but my pregnancy had quickly turned high risk and I was placed on bedrest causing me to stop working and between finances and bedrest going weekly doesn't always happen. Now here I am 2-3 weeks away from having my child and I feel like I'm losing it. I am afraid to go ANYWHERE. I find myself wanting to pullover driving to doctor appts in fear I am about to V*. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband in fear of getting germs of really any sort but specifically anything to affect my stomach. I find myself wanting to live alone now because of this. I ask him to improve his hygiene and most importantly stopping his awful habit of touching his face, hands near mouth ect...but it's not working and honestly its REALLY effecting us and I don't want to be near him. I feel because i am so cautious he is the primary source for bringing in germs to my home or at least spreading them. I'm afraid of getting sick now because I don't want to jeopardize the health of our already sick unborn son by V*ing for hours or getting dehydrated. I feel so alone, so scared. I don't know how I will get myself together until he is born. I feel like once that happens I will feel a bit better. Last night we had an emergency over night stay in the maternity wing and I had to walk thru the ER to get there and I'm scared i picked something up.... is there any hope?

sorry this was so long but I am really suffering. I realized tonight just how bad my obsession has gotten again when I was researching hand sanitizers and soaps and facts about the norovirus.

[jkl81]

It sounds like you have had some really difficult things to deal with in your life, things most of us here can't honestly say that we understand, but we DO understand very well the intense anxiety that you're feeling now. I don't really have anything all that helpful to add, except that with this phobia I've found that things are always changing, and that it won't be this bad forever. When are you due to have your son?

[waitingforyou]

There is hope! You are at low point right now, but you will be able to get out of it!

When you are able to go to therapy again you will find someone you connect with and you will get back on the right track. Things are harder than normal because you can't have your medication and you're pregnant. You won't be in that situation for long.

Did you learn some calming techniques in therapy? When you find yourself starting to obsess about negative things try to stop those thoughts and focus on some positive ones. What do you do to distract yourself when you're panicking?

[amandalynn73]

My old pre pregnancy methods would be walking or jogging. I often turned to my husband to help me talk myself down but he's been making It kinda worse lately. The last time I felt this bad I was only 15 so things we're so so different. I also tried to do paint by numbers that worked then but I tried now and was unsuccessful. My main thing Is I try to remind myself sv* usually come with a few hours of nausea and pain before v* so it's unlikely I'll be out and get sick in front of others.