The GUILT associated with this phobia

[jsquared]

I've had emet for more than 30 years. I've come a long way just in the last 10. I eat all the time (i'm actually overweight--not good but I'm glad I can eat what I want and not worry), I can travel and I have a full-time job. I still suffer all the time from anxiety and the fear, but there was a time I never left my house. I struggle daily with having to work but have discovered some 'safe behavior' therapy that so far is working (watching what I eat while at work, if I panic I try to concentrate on an assignment or honestly I watch a video on the internet with my headphones that makes me laugh, go outside for some fresh air, etc). But what is getting to me lately is the guilt associated with this phobia.

There is still so much life I'm not living because of my fear and panic. I still avoid certain situations and, since I got married a year ago, I realize how now it truly affects my husband. For Christmas, his parents offered to take us (along with his whole family) on a 7-day cruise, all expenses paid, to lots of neat places. This threw me into a complete meltdown. First of all, TRAVEL. Being cooped and trapped on a ship. Second, what if I get sea sick?! Also, too far away and for too long. No control. So I honestly told my husband it didn't sound very fun to me and that I wasn't interested. I also through in that work is busy right now and I can't take off that much time...even told him I had already planned an anniversary trip for us (which i promptly planned behind his back--much shorter trip, more control for me, blah, blah, blah). He was pretty nice about it and told his mom no thanks but not this time. It was brought up at his parent's house over dinner but I just admitted that although it was nice I'm not really interested in a cruise, ever.

Long story short, the guilt is killing me. Are we really never going to do certain things just because I MIGHT GET SICK??! Like I said, I've come a long way and am proud than I can live (out there, in the world) with this phobia. But I'm not really living if there are still so many restrictions with what I'm willing to do. You know? I want to be that fun-loving, up-for-anything gal that wants to experience new things. I'm just afraid this is the first of many opportunities I'm going to turn down JUST because of this phobia.

Thanks for reading
j.

[mhartse]

Hey J, I too suffer a lot of guilt with this phobia. I am married almost 5 years, no kids but I feel I;ve taken away from my husband and our married experience because of it. I hate that I can't go places and do certain things. Strangely, I too am overweight. I think its cause I stick to "safe" foods and they're not good for me. Plus, I am diagnosed with PCOS and pervious medication made me gain it. But… my husband too wants to go on a cruise, but I just can not do it. I hate boats, and everything associate with it. I hear ya, and want you to know you are not alone and Im always here to talk if you want!

[tiredofitall]

I won't cruise either although my husband wants too but the way I look at it is there are things I want that he says no to so too bad for him that he can't go on a cruise. I refuse to feel guilty over something that I have no control over. This is me - take it or leave it!

[CMM811]

I have guilt and sadly my guilt is my kids not my husband, first sign of v* I bolt. But my husband is good we travel and fly to Jamaica every year (this year we did 10 nights 11 days too long in my opinion even for my hubby and he isn't afraid of anything!), I eat odd foods with him, do adventurous things. He knows my limits so I don't think he would ask something he know I wouldn't do. I went on a cruise once about 18 years ago and had HORRENDOUS seasickness. I doubt I'd ever go on a cruise again, I told my mom I'm jumping off the ship and swimming back to shore lol! But he has no interest in a cruise. BUT I remember planning our first trip to Jamaica. I was scared Sh!tless, but I pushed myself and told myself "I can do this" and everytime we get on the plane I tell myself that, and it feels so good getting off that plane there and knowing we are somewhere we LOVE, it's amazing my heart bursts everytime, and so does his cause he knows my struggles and knows how hard it can be for me.
Now this summer we are flying to The Dominican Republic with our 9 & 4 year old along with our 15 year old babysitter. This will be MUCH harder on me, because I can't take a Valium and pass out on the plane because I dont want to show my kids my fear of flying, I don't want them to have boundaries to their lives so I HAVE to put on a brave face.
Now back to the guilt with my kids, I try so hard it is a struggle I have the flight motion every time v* happens or gagging occurs. Wednesday am my 4 year old had this drainage cough and started coughing and gagging and v*ed up mucus. Where was mom? Hiding in her bathroom. That same night she was eating steak and started coughing then gagging I bolted from the table and I turned around cause I didn't hear her anymore and her eyes were wide and she was choking, I felt like the BIGGEST pos mom on the face of the planet. She didn't choke per say she gagged a little and got her food out of her throat but man I feel like a horrible mom I just bounced. Had my hubby NOT been there both those times I don't know what I would have done. I know I've dealt with v* when he hasn't been around and while I'm internally screaming I'm pretty calm on the outside. The guilt SUCKS! But if you can find ways to make up for the guilt and continue moving forward you are succeeding and that how I look at it

[surfer777]

I have the guilt associated with emet as well...in a few different forms, I guess.

One, I don't really post here very often, usually if I'm somewhat panicking. I feel bad because I know I don't personally know any of you, but you all help me out when I need it and I don't contribute very often.

Two, I'm fairly religious...I go to church every week, and every week people want to shake my hand. Sometimes I refuse, and I feel like a total butthead. Other times I can't help but ditch the conversation to go wash my hands. I feel bad because I think sometimes I make people feel like they're gross or something. I dunno, it's weird.

Three, I feel guilty because I live with my parents (haven't been able to find work post college graduation) and I feel like a burden at times because I wash my hands so much and always ask about the safety of the food we're eating. Over the holidays, the whole family was here and I was just in rare form because I know with double the amount of people home, the chances of someone throwing up gets much higher. My little sister will be done with school in April and I honestly don't want her to come home because it's one more person to spread bugs around.

So...yes. I feel the guilt. It's frustrating, for sure.

[stopthissong]

This is half of why this phobia is so horrible. We know we should be living a different life, but it's too hard and too confronting. I think most of us would feel that guilt. Especially when it involves other people like loved ones. My parents are often inviting me on overseas trips and I always turn them down. I never go anywhere new to eat with my bf. I am so insecure and fragile. I feel so sorry for the people around me having to deal with a meltdown every now and then. I guess we have choices in life and either living the way we want to, or staying anxious and fearful - both choices sound HORRIFYING to me.

[sippysippyissy]

I can feel so...cruel...to my fiancé! He puts up with me ordering him to get me a bucket to hold (makes me feel safer, anyone?), as well as me nuzzling into his shoulder with a pot of ginger groaning "I feel n* help me help me help me" - he puts up with me when I question him 300 times if the chicken dinner he cooked me is safe, he deals with my nightmares and night n* and panic attacks and tears and mood swings and general annoyingness. I feel so mean sometimes, because I think if he was like that I would be tired of it. I think. When I get tired of my own emet, I can't imagine how tired of it he must be. But he says it's ok. The best way to see it is it's no different to having asthma or something else that needs monitoring and that has attacks and good days and bad days. Nobody is perfect!! xx

[Hello_there]

Oh gosh, sorry to go off on tangent,my grandpa just planned a cruise for the whole family and I'm TERRIFIED. I literally have to go on it

[Hello_there]

Surfer777, I too live at home, although I graduated two years ago but am scared to move into an apartment because of people in the apartments being sick

[Danwella]

To everyone: my friend recently claims she is doing so much better through prayer, reading God's word and leaning into God. She has had two events, one where her son threw up and she did not have as bad of a reaction as she usually does, then a second event where son got a fever and instead of worrying all night she prayed and read and felt peace insted and feels God is healing her. But this has only been a span of two weeks. I feel she is trying to control this and prove something to us. I just want to be careful there is not self-deception going on or denial. The irrational mind can play tricks on us and make us believe crazy things. I also do not want to deny her reality; if God is in fact changing her from the inside then I want to support this of course. But I do not believe in miraculous healings, she still has to do the inner work that she has not done. I have lots more info but this is long enough. How do I handle this with her? I don't want to scare her away, I want to support her healing and do whatever I can to help her heal along with God's help. What isthe best way to support her? Any input from anyone would be greatly appreciated? All thoughts, comments welcome. ) Thank you

I've had emet for more than 30 years. I've come a long way just in the last 10. I eat all the time (i'm actually overweight--not good but I'm glad I can eat what I want and not worry), I can travel and I have a full-time job. I still suffer all the time from anxiety and the fear, but there was a time I never left my house. I struggle daily with having to work but have discovered some 'safe behavior' therapy that so far is working (watching what I eat while at work, if I panic I try to concentrate on an assignment or honestly I watch a video on the internet with my headphones that makes me laugh, go outside for some fresh air, etc). But what is getting to me lately is the guilt associated with this phobia.

There is still so much life I'm not living because of my fear and panic. I still avoid certain situations and, since I got married a year ago, I realize how now it truly affects my husband. For Christmas, his parents offered to take us (along with his whole family) on a 7-day cruise, all expenses paid, to lots of neat places. This threw me into a complete meltdown. First of all, TRAVEL. Being cooped and trapped on a ship. Second, what if I get sea sick?! Also, too far away and for too long. No control. So I honestly told my husband it didn't sound very fun to me and that I wasn't interested. I also through in that work is busy right now and I can't take off that much time...even told him I had already planned an anniversary trip for us (which i promptly planned behind his back--much shorter trip, more control for me, blah, blah, blah). He was pretty nice about it and told his mom no thanks but not this time. It was brought up at his parent's house over dinner but I just admitted that although it was nice I'm not really interested in a cruise, ever.

Long story short, the guilt is killing me. Are we really never going to do certain things just because I MIGHT GET SICK??! Like I said, I've come a long way and am proud than I can live (out there, in the world) with this phobia. But I'm not really living if there are still so many restrictions with what I'm willing to do. You know? I want to be that fun-loving, up-for-anything gal that wants to experience new things. I'm just afraid this is the first of many opportunities I'm going to turn down JUST because of this phobia.

Thanks for reading
j.

[Syrup]

To everyone: my friend recently claims she is doing so much better through prayer, reading God's word and leaning into God. She has had two events, one where her son threw up and she did not have as bad of a reaction as she usually does, then a second event where son got a fever and instead of worrying all night she prayed and read and felt peace insted and feels God is healing her. But this has only been a span of two weeks. I feel she is trying to control this and prove something to us. I just want to be careful there is not self-deception going on or denial. The irrational mind can play tricks on us and make us believe crazy things. I also do not want to deny her reality; if God is in fact changing her from the inside then I want to support this of course. But I do not believe in miraculous healings, she still has to do the inner work that she has not done. I have lots more info but this is long enough. How do I handle this with her? I don't want to scare her away, I want to support her healing and do whatever I can to help her heal along with God's help. What isthe best way to support her? Any input from anyone would be greatly appreciated? All thoughts, comments welcome. ) Thank you

The best way to support her is to do just that, support her! Honestly, the ROOT of our phobia is a need for control, so regardless of how you reach the point where you release that control, be it CBT, the belief that God is in control and we aren't so we trust him to take care of our future, believing that we're strong enough due to a power within to be able to handle events when they appear so we release control to our unknown future, etc, etc, etc, it doesn't matter. There are many ways to the same outcome in this process, let her find hers without judgement. Congratulate her on a job well done and applaud her to keep going!

[Danwella]

Would you be willing to talk with me over the phone sometime?

I've had emet for more than 30 years. I've come a long way just in the last 10. I eat all the time (i'm actually overweight--not good but I'm glad I can eat what I want and not worry), I can travel and I have a full-time job. I still suffer all the time from anxiety and the fear, but there was a time I never left my house. I struggle daily with having to work but have discovered some 'safe behavior' therapy that so far is working (watching what I eat while at work, if I panic I try to concentrate on an assignment or honestly I watch a video on the internet with my headphones that makes me laugh, go outside for some fresh air, etc). But what is getting to me lately is the guilt associated with this phobia.

There is still so much life I'm not living because of my fear and panic. I still avoid certain situations and, since I got married a year ago, I realize how now it truly affects my husband. For Christmas, his parents offered to take us (along with his whole family) on a 7-day cruise, all expenses paid, to lots of neat places. This threw me into a complete meltdown. First of all, TRAVEL. Being cooped and trapped on a ship. Second, what if I get sea sick?! Also, too far away and for too long. No control. So I honestly told my husband it didn't sound very fun to me and that I wasn't interested. I also through in that work is busy right now and I can't take off that much time...even told him I had already planned an anniversary trip for us (which i promptly planned behind his back--much shorter trip, more control for me, blah, blah, blah). He was pretty nice about it and told his mom no thanks but not this time. It was brought up at his parent's house over dinner but I just admitted that although it was nice I'm not really interested in a cruise, ever.

Long story short, the guilt is killing me. Are we really never going to do certain things just because I MIGHT GET SICK??! Like I said, I've come a long way and am proud than I can live (out there, in the world) with this phobia. But I'm not really living if there are still so many restrictions with what I'm willing to do. You know? I want to be that fun-loving, up-for-anything gal that wants to experience new things. I'm just afraid this is the first of many opportunities I'm going to turn down JUST because of this phobia.

Thanks for reading
j.

[Syrup]

Would you be willing to talk with me over the phone sometime?

Danwella, you are free to post, to ask questions and for advice, but please stop asking others for personal information. Not only is it not appropriate on a message board but could be potentially unsafe for you and/or for younger posters. This board can be a terrific resource and we want it to be a safe place for people young and old to draw comfort; we want to keep it that way so please, no more asking for personal information, it's not appropriate.

[AGirlWithACamera]

I know how you feel. I'm only a high school senior, but I already feel horrible for my future husband/boyfriend/significant other because I know I will never be able to have kids. Pregnancy? Morning sickness? Not risking it. And even adopting is completely out of the question because, spoiler alert, kids throw up sometimes. Sick kids deserve parents who will clean up after them without having a panic attack, and who will stay up with them all night and take care of them. I can't do that. If they throw up, I will shut down and put my fingers in my ears and hide in my room. I feel so selfish because I wouldn't even possess the human decency to take care of my own kids.