Am I doing more harm than good?

[SilentFrog]

So I was thinking today, I quite often reply to people's posts and I do my best to talk people through their situations and offer as much support and advice as I can, but looking through the kind of things I say, I was wondering, am I really helping people? Or am I doing more harm than good? Quite often people post on here in a panic, they're terrified that they might have caught a bug, or have food poisoning or that they might v* - I was thinking, does it really do them any good for me to be teaching them how to avoid getting ill?

Should I instead, be teaching people that you know what, it's ok to V*, it isn't all that bad, and it will be over so much sooner than you think. Should I really be encouraging people's phobias and encouraging the kinds of avoidance behaviour and OCD style cleaning rituals that tire us emets so much? Perhaps all this time, instead of helping people, all I've really done is cemented their phobia, taught them that the right thing to do is to wash their hands and bleach and do everything in their power to avoid getting ill. My calm, rationed answers belied the subtle undertones of my own phobic struggles, which through the imposter of advice, I projected onto others.

I'm truly sorry to those people, from the very bottom of my heart I am. I'm sorry that in my own selfish way I have tried to ink stamp my own habits and behaviours onto your lives, and in so doing put another obstacle in the way of your path to recovery. It was never my intention to hurt any of you in any way - but intentions matter not much when the damage has already been done.

It is difficult to find words that adequately express the depth of my regret, so I will simply repeat the only words I know, in the hope that may still have meaning, I'm sorry.

[mdgirl1977]

I think your posts are really excellent. Informative, fact based and well written. Some people might have a tough time wrapping their brain around the calmness of your posts. Are you severely emet yourself? You seem to knowledgable that it blows my mind that you would be scared of v! But I love having your posts and always feel like I walked away learning something from you. Has someone personally contacted you to say that you triggered them?

[SilentFrog]

Thank you mdgirl, I appreciate your kind words Believe it or not I am terrified of v*, although I'm not as bad as I used to be - I used to be terrified of even talking about viruses, or v* - but the act itself is still something which has driven me to such great lengths I've ended up hurting myself at times, and been in hospital twice as a result. Nobody has contacted me personally to say that I've triggered them, but a lot of personal issues have happened today and it's forced me to take a cold hard look at myself, hence I've reached the conclusions I posited above.

[blueridge212]

I've always found comfort in knowledge. I know I don't speak for everyone, but I feel so much less vulnerable if I know how to protect myself. Then, if I do get sick anyway, I can say "well if it happens I'll be ok." Of course I want to do everything to prevent it, though!

Your posts are fantastic and informative, and I've always enjoyed reading them. You've been the voice of reason on many occasions now!

[SilentFrog]

Thank you blueridge, your kind words also mean a lot to me That is a good way of looking at things, perhaps some people aren't ready or able to face up to the thought of getting sick, and for those people maybe it is best to tell them how to protect themselves from that which they fear, perhaps as you say, it helps them to feel less vulnerable. I really don't know to be honest, I've been awake for nearly two days straight, my brain is pretty fried

[Syrup]

I try to determine my reply on the poster. Some of the people here (like me) are really trying to recover, so for them I don't give them tips (that they already know) for avoiding it and instead focus on the truth, that they CAN handle it despite their fear and for others I do a bit more 'coddling' as I know that there's NO WAY that they are even going to hear what I'm saying because their anxiety is so high - does that make sense? Your posts are awesome, SilentFrog. You're awesome for even taking the time to consider everyone's feelings and what's best for the board. I'm glad you're back!

[sweet]

Ditto what Syrup said - I'm glad you're back too. :-)

[Hello_there]

I absolutely do not think your posts do more harm than good (or any harm at all for that matter)

it's not like you are saying something like 'OMG that's the worst possible thing that could have EVER happened to you, scrub your hands raw and bleach everything 15 times immediately!!!!!!!!"
you're saying "i understand how you feel and am sorry for the situation you're in, but you are not likely to be ill and here's why you shouldn't even be worried"

i think that it really helps people feel calmer. in my opinion, when you're panicking i think you need to know that other people understand your feelings and the real picture instead of the exaggerated anxious feelings you're having...... which you kindly do for us ^_^

[SilentFrog]

Syrup ~ Thank you for the compliments. I can completely understand what you're saying, and honestly, it is you who is awesome - for being so sensitive to the poster and giving them a response that helps them. In the grand scheme of things, I've not been here all that long, and so I'm still gradually discovering which of us are in recovery. I do just fear that should I get it wrong, I could potentially really set someone back. My first priority when replying to people in crisis, is usually to try to help them calm down - I suppose, to help them realise that they have control over the situation, by washing your hands, by cleaning, by keeping your distance for a bit, you are putting yourself back in control and choosing not to get ill. But the other way to look at it - and this is what I've realised - is that I'm putting their phobia back in control. Perhaps that's a skewed perspective, I'm struggling to tell at the moment.

Sweet - Thank you too for those sentiments. I did - interestingly enough - see your thread about me when I had disappeared, although I didn't see it until I came back. I don't think I ever thanked you for it, but it really did bring a tear to my eye. I don't think I've ever been considered threadworthy before, it was so touching that someone noticed I had gone, and cared enough to ask what had happened.

Hello_there - Thank you for your kind words and your explanation. I try my best to show people that I understand how they feel, after-all, I have often gone through those same feelings or been in a similar situation as the poster myself. I like to think that sharing a story or two of how I coped, or how others on the forum have coped can help to give someone the strength they need to make it through the situation feeling calm. I just wonder if in some cases I really am doing harm, for example by encouraging people to take antiemitics to stem their n- feelings, or by giving people reason to doubt whether or not they are ill with an SV, when in all probability they may be. Perhaps in these cases, instead of giving people reasons to doubt that they are ill, I should give them reasons not to be scared, even if they are ill.

Thank you all again, your replies and perspectives mean so much more to me than I dare say

[Leighs]

For me, your reply's calm me down...and help me to see things from a rational point of view when I am in panic mode, where I might not be thinking logically.
You help. You definitely help. <3

[SilentFrog]

Thank you Leighs, that is comforting to hear, I'm really glad that I've been able to help you

[Shubertgoddess]

I think your posts are well thought out, well worded and come from a place of good intent.

i think the first part of battling the fear is to be well educated and informed and not be crippled by it. Through your posts, you aid in that. Chin up- you've been very helpful to me!

[canonguy]

emet is all about control. and knowledge doesn't quite give us control but makes us feel more in control. it's tricky responding to panic posts because sometimes all you can offer are lies and false hope. but it's just about the responder being there and the panicking person knowing the people responding are in the good place they will be again soon.

[horsewoman]

You had some very kind words for me the other day and that meant more than you know. Thank you. Post away, you are very re-assuring.I also agree that knowledge is power and I believe this site has helped me cope during some of my most difficult times. Thank all of you who are here and offer support.

[Shubertgoddess]

emet is all about control. and knowledge doesn't quite give us control but makes us feel more in control. it's tricky responding to panic posts because sometimes all you can offer are lies and false hope. but it's just about the responder being there and the panicking person knowing the people responding are in the good place they will be again soon.

Im not sure i agree with the part about lying and false hope. Especially not from SilentFrog. he does his best to give well thought out, accurate answers based on the questions at hand, in the hopes of calming the person down. 99% of the time when you think its a SV, its not anyway and its just anxiety.

In the midst of panic mode, having someone who can basically talk You down is the best thing.

[lizziescarlett]

Why are you apologising SilentFrog, your posts are rational and very calming, you are a huge asset to this site! Your answers to people's posts are 100% reassuring. I would write more singing your praises but I'm in a very boring sociology class.

[SilentFrog]

Thank you all! I can't tell you how much all of the support I've received of the last few days really means to me. I was seriously beginning to doubt myself having been told by someone (thankfully not on this site) that I was a bad person who was making everybody feel worse, reminding people about their phobias etc. I really do appreciate all of your kind words and support, I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me

[claire43]

Your replies certainly helped me over the weekend when I was very very close to v*. Although I have been dealing with it myself for too many years it is always nice when somebody takes the time to reply and tries to rationalize things that are causing panic. I am very grateful for all the help you gave me.

[crd08]

I think we need to be reassuring but honest at the same time with our replies. I think your posts are calm and informative, which is what well all need in a time when all our rational is out the window.

[betsie]

Froggy, I absolutely love your replies. They really get through to me and tell me what I want to hear. You take so much time and effort and they are very much appreciated. Please don't stop!

[SilentFrog]

Aw, thank you all, Claire, crd08 & betsie ~ that was real nice of you to say and it means a lot to me

I have to be honest I wasn't expecting so much support when I originally posted this thread, I thought I might get a couple of people who found my posts useful, but had some criticisms for the things I say too. I can't tell you how much it's helped me, reading through this thread - honestly, you're collective support has been overwhelming and truly touching. I have made my fair share of friends here, many of whom I talk to regularly here, some I talk to outside of the site too, but all of whom have proven themselves truly amazing people, and supportive friends.

[daly6405]

I just joined so haven't read your posts. However, I joined so I can really face and deal with my issues, not make OCD tendencies to control it perpetuate. It helps to have the understanding and empathy from so many but also want practical knowledge on how to deal with my irrational fears and behaviors. I want to ultimately live without this controlling my life.

[paulinek]

I haven't been on here much really in ages, so I haven't seen your posts. I know what you are saying, but i think in th midst of a panic the LAST thing a person needs is to be told "hey it's ok to be sick" because if you are terrified that that is about to happen to you and you would rather die than be sick then that sort of comment is of no use whatsoever; reassurance is definitely the way to go!

I think in general conversation with a non-panicking person then those things are fine to say, but again, for people currently suffering high-levels of emet anxiety pointing out the obvious isn't going to do anything than make them feel bad about themselves for feeling the way they do, and I think that the only time comments like it'll be over sooner than you think, it won't kill you, it's a normal bodily function etc etc make any type of sense is when you are doing really well with your emetophobia anyway, and we have to come to those conclusions on our own, someone telling us those things on a forum isn't going to cure us (unfortunately!)

Sounds like you are being very helpful and comforting to people in distress and no apology required

[kam00096]

I'm having therapy right now and have been wondering if I should be spending time on here or if it's making me worse, which this thread made me think more about. I do think that your replies are the right mix of calm, logical and reassuring without being overly enabling. My therapist is encouraging me to think more positively and she says that she's happy for me to logic out why I won't catch something as long as I remember to think 'if I do get sick I would cope/ survive' as well.

[kaiilyn_23]

Your posts are awesome. The cold hard facts are the most comforting to me. I'm trying to recover right now, and am on the right path. We need to accept the facts instead of avoid them. It doesn't mean we have to scare the crap out of ourselves or others, but we need to be real with the situation. Come to terms. I'm not trying to be rude or insensitive, I want everyone to recover! I know we're all at different stages/mindsets and that's totally okay. Recovery isn't spontaneous and it doesn't happen overnight.

Thank you for all your informative, calming posts. I truly hope you continue on with them as they're very helpful.

I'm on the fence about reassurance. Sometimes, it's what we need when we're panicking and being irrational, when it's anxiety and nothing else that's causing us to feel like crap. But if I'm truly sick, then I would want to know, and be told that "You know what, you might be sick - but it will be totally fine." but we're all different and I totally understand that. Avoidance is what pushes this fear into overdrive, building it up and making us crazy.