helping family understand - how?

[confusedgirl]

So... my family doesn't know that I have this fear... they just think I'm weird and bothered by sickness... but they don't know the extent. They think that when I tell them that they should wash their hands after a meal or after they blow their nose or whatever that I am just being controlling - when, really, I would feel SO MUCH safer in my house if I knew other people were taking at least Some of the precautionsI take not to be sick, espescially in this cold and flu season. Also, they tend to think it's funny how bothered I get by some things - for instance, if my sister's in a bad mood or mad at me, she'll make sounds like she's pretending to be sick, or she'll stick her fingers in her mouth (which really bothers me, because of how many germs live in the mouth). And when I tell her to stop, it just makes her do itmore! My mom thinks it's amusing and that my reaction is stupid. Sometimes she will even put her fingers in her mouth and pretend to lick off food or whatever, just because it's a way to get to me. I've tried to talk to them about this, but they just say "We are not doing anything <i> to </i> you. Don't be so weird." However, if they touch anything else after touching their mouths, and then I touch that thing and then touch my face by mistake, I could become sick. So it has the potential to hurt me. And the fact that it bothers me so much should be reason enough for them not to do that stuff, but it's not... Every day it seems we get in a fight over this (they say I'm being controlling and weird, I say they are spreading germs). Now my mom and I are barely speaking to each other. I leave for college in 9 months, andI want these last 9 months with my family to be pleasant, not horrible. How can I get them to understand that, although they are not directly touching me, the things they do REALLY bother me? What can I say, to help our family relationship improve? Thank you.

[liriodendron]

you got 9 months left and want things to improve?

Just drop it. That's what I would do. Just try to keep things civil. No
need to bring any more drama into it. They stay in their rooms, you
stay in your room and before you know it, you'll be on your own. A very
exciting time for you. So many things to do and preparations to make.
Try to stay busy and not let them bother you.

[samara's on tv]

My sister does that too. When she's mad at me (Or just joking around) she'll start making sounds like she's going to V*. Luckily I live by myself and I don't have to be around that all the time. I think the best way to get someone to understand your problem is to compare your fear to one that they have.


Like for instance, my sister is TERRIFIED of ants and spiders. So I told her, "You know how you feel about being around ants and spiders? Well that's how I feel about being around V*." As for my parents, they sort of accept the fear but they still think that I'm nuts. When it comes to eating meat or anything they cook (meat wise) I have to make sure it's totally done and I'm constantly asking my mom if my food is okay.


Try comparing your fear to one of theirs and see what happens. Just my two cents.


~Monica

[falon_17]

I'm right with you confused. My mom's a nurse and even she doesn't understand the extent of this phobia. She sees people with sv all the time so it's no big deal to her. She thinks what I am going through is stupid and just annoying to her because she gets stuck with taking care of my son when I get scared or actually sick. I hate that I get so afraid that I can't take care of him. No one understands this phobia unless they have felt it. If I didn't have it and someone had just told me about it, I hate to say this but I'd think it was pretty stupid too. I had a friend who developed a sort of OCD problem after her dog died, and I just thought the things she did repeatedly every day were dumb. But no dumber than me not eatingall daybecause someone I passed in the hallway at college was sick. Oh well.

[1987porsche944]

I moved back in with my family after being on my own for 12+ years, to get back on my feet. My stepmother, who played an integral role in me developing minor OCD in regards to germs when I was a kid (scrubbing hands and dishes well, constantly cleaning, etc) had somehow reversed her behavior and was actually drinking out of cups and then just rinsing them and throwing them in the dish drainer, not washing hands after using bathroom, etc. WOW! [img]smileys/smilies_03.gif[/img]The entire family (mom, dad, both sisters) passed around a sv last January/February - and I did not catch it!Although, I did spend countless sleepless nights worrying about it *sigh* - I washed my hands a lot and since we all had to share the same bathroom, I actually used paper towels to dry my hands and then used that paper towel to turn off the faucets and open the door (kind of obsessive, I know, it's the same thing I do at public places). I used Purell all the time. I took lots of vitamins (especially c) and also something called Echinacea, which is supposed to boost the immune system. I ate as healthy as possible, lots of fresh veggies and drank as much water as possible (to the exclusion of all other liquids except for herbal tea). Also, I spent a lot of time outdoors, meditating in the sunlight and breathing deeply of the fresh air (dressed appropriately for the cold), which I am convinced helped me fight off any infections. Remember to keep your hands away from your face and I always breathe through my nose, the hairs are a natural filter.


I survived (except for a cold) for 11 months - avoiding sv's, strep throat, mono, and a host of other lesser illnesses that seemed rampant in that house - and then I was able to move out!!!


Everyone else's posts are highly informative as well! You'll do fine, definitely take the advice about staying busy and preparing for the coming months! And good luck!


As for explaining, you can't force them to understand, but you can bide your time and when you do move out, it should strengthen the relationships somewhat.Edited by: 1987porsche944

[hollyjean]

I know how you feel. I moved out in september to go to uni where i live in halls. My flat has 12 rooms and we all share a kitchen, but we do have our own ensuites. The kitchen is really clean and my flatmates are very hygienic. I have only been home for the holidays for a few days and i want to go back already. I feel contaminated and dirty when i am here. I know for a fact that none of my family wash thier hands, especially my brother. He will pick his A*** hole in front of everyone and not wash his hands, i had a go at him the other day and my parents stuck up for him!


My family are pretty useless when it comes to food hygiene too. My mum cooked a chicken pie for dinner yesterday, she left it out in the kitchen all day to defrost. The heating had been on all day so was really warm in the house, she just does not get that keeping food at that temperature is dangerous. I got in trouble last night for refusing to eat the pie too.


Another thing i do when i cook my own dinner is stick it in the microwave just before eating to ensure it is hot enough throughout. I cant do that here because my mum feeds my dog tripe and cooks it in the microwave. The whole house smells of rotting tripe and i cant go near the microwave.


Why are my family so dirty :'( i wish i could have emet room mates!

[silver]

One mind trick that works for me is reminding myself about how long I had been around my family and not gotten sick. I was a very healthy child and I rarely washed my hands, I played in the dirt, etc. and I really never got sick. Some of the cooking techniques were not exactly what I would consider "safe" now and we never got the sv or food poisoning. Its strange how that happens I guess. I am so clean now and afraid of food past its due date and all of the other crap that comes along with this fear now....But when I take a second to look back, I worry a heck of a lot for something that rarely, if ever happens!!! I get frustrated because I feel like I have spent half of my life worrying for no reason. I think that everyone here wishes that we could just shut off the our thinking...OMG life would be sooo much easier!!

[1987porsche944]

So true, I have managed to cut down the amount of worrying I do about it, but I get so frustrated at times. I can't understand why I can't just accept it and letit happen and get over it. I have wasted a lot of time worrying about this. Since I regret the time wasted, I have worked very hard to overcome it (with some minor success too!) but it still gets me at times. I hate concealing it from other people. It's so difficult at times to just pretend it doesn't bother me when I want to scream and run out of the room and cry in the corner. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


As for the un-hygienic food cooking - UGH HA HA! I eat tripe! But only at certain restaurants and never microwaved the stuff at home so don't know the smell. But if you really want to laugh - I used to be an assistant chef and had to eat lots and lots of weird things. Such a difficult thing for an emetophobe! I remember one day Chef made a new dish and wanted to get my opinion, and it was pork chop prepared medium rare! I was so utterly convinced I was going to be ill from eating it, but I ate it anyway (I was fine). I'm pretty adventurous when it comes to eating foods, but I have to admit, chicken frightens me (even before this avian flu thing). When I cook chicken, I char it to death, until it's hard and basically cardboard, ha ha.

[confusedgirl]

Thanks for answering everyone! It is comforting to know that other people deal with the same things with their family (and hollyjean it's great to hear your uni mates are hygenic! I'm just hoping mine will be too). I'm grateful now that no one is making me eat what I don't want to. Wow, thinking back on it, I really was a lot less hygenic and fine when I was younger - like, Iwould eat cookie dough and cake batter with raw egg in it, and be fine. Thank you, everyone, it's nice to know that there are other people that feel the same way I do.

[chicajojobe]

Confusedgirl: I know exactly what you're going through because about a
year ago I was in this same positon. After about 7 years of my emet
doing so well that it was almost no trouble at all it got bad again
just after January. It was my last few months before college too so it
was a hard time. I didn't feel I could tell anyone but I was doing very
badly, so that only lasted for about three weeks. I spent all the time
that I wasn't at school or out in my room. I even bought my own food
and plastic spoons to avoid eating anything touched by other people and
kept them in my room. I felt very isolated, and I was upset and felt
sick all the time. Finally one night when we were alone for a while I
just confessed to my dad. He told me that he had suspected something
was up, and was concerned about me. It continued to get worse as the
months went on, and it did cause several arguments because my mom
didn't understand and was offended when I'd grill her about what she
cooked and my dad got tired of it too because I refused to go anywhere
if I couldn't drive myself. However, they also helped me out and even
found a therapist for me to see over the summer.



I know it's hard to deal with this because you're probably already
nervous enough about going to college with emet. Well I just finished
my first semester (with a 3.67 btw) [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]
so you can do it! I still annoy my family because I'll sometimes call
my mom during the day to ask her if she thinks I need to eat (I have
trouble telling the difference between hunger and nausea when I'm
anxious) or if she thinks I might have some sickness that will make me
v*. I think she's getting pretty tired of it. It probably helps that
they know I have this actual phobia, but if you aren't ready to tell
your family then you don't have to.

My advice to help things be more civil would be to do things or atleast
have conversations with family members that don't involve your fear.
Talk about everyday stuff. Books, movies, politics, friends, any casual
conversation topics you can find common ground on. About your worries
with cleaning and cooking, for that my family members get offended by
it too so I've taken the "if you want something done right you have to
do it yourself" approach. I cook dinners a lot especially if my mom
sick with anything even a cold, and if I think something needs to be
cleaned I clean it myself. Clean whatever you want cleaned, wash your
hands if you're worried about getting sick, and make an effort to stop
touching your face.

Now about your mom and sister and the gagging themselves. This may or
may not work, but I think you should apporach that like you would a
bullying situation. They obviously find it funny to get a reaction out
of you so you have to not react the way you usually do. Next time it
happens even if you are screaming inside try to act unaffected, very
calmly and maturely tell them that it upsets you when they do that, and
you find it really hurtful that they continue to when they know that it
bothers you so much. They'll probably still make fun of you and tell
you that you're reaction is stupid. Don't try to argue just leave it at
what you already said and leave before they have time to make fun too
much. Don't storm out or act huffy just calmly go into another room and
find something to do. As I said might help or might not. Also the thing
about comparing your fear to any irrational fears they have is a good
idea because that might help bring it into perspective.



Good luck and I hope things go well.



1987porsche944:</span> I just wanted
to make a comment in here about bird-flu. I also wondered about whether
or not it could be caught from eating chicken. I looked it up and the
flu has been found in the tissues of infected birds a few times, but
the bird-flu viruses, just like normal ones, are very sensitive to
changes in heat and pH so cooking will kill them. The primary way
bird-flu is trans

[1987porsche944]

1987porsche944: I just wanted to make a comment in here about bird-flu. I also wondered about whether or not it could be caught from eating chicken. I looked it up and the flu has been found in the tissues of infected birds a few times, but the bird-flu viruses, just like normal ones, are very sensitive to changes in heat and pH so cooking will kill them. The primary way bird-flu is transmitted is through inhaliation of particles of fecal matter or saliva from infected birds which is why it is people who raise chickens and other birds who usually get it. Cook your chicken thoroughly to avoid bacteria and you'll be fine, and don't worry about bird-flu. You're in much more danger of getting it if it mutates to a form that can be passed from person to person (which it currently can't, only animal to person).

Sound advice, all of it! I always overcook chicken, ha ha, just to be safe. But I'm getting so fed up with the news consistently using scare tactics in regards to the Avian Flu - you see people on TV that have stockpiled cans of food in basement "bomb shelters" that will sustain them and their families "for a minimum of at least 6 months." Ugh. Ridiculous!

[sage]

Sometimes it helps to print out the info on the Treatments thread - sticky post called 'INFO...' Although some families will read it and still not get it. But you could try.