Help, Im Having A.....

[*mandi*]

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN! I think im just losing it now. I am soooo stressed out and so anxious all the time now and I dont know why. I cant take any of this bullsh*t anymore. I cant deal with it anymore...Its too much for one person to deal with. I am so sick of feeling sick all the time...Im sick of not ebign able to go anywhere...im sick of not being able to eat...im sick of everything....I cant stop shaking...I cant stop crying...I am really really scared...I dont have anyone to talk to...I dont have money to see a doctor...I just dont know what to do anymore...Im afriad this is going to kill me. Help...is anyone here I can talkto? Sorry for being all dramatic....I just dont knwo what to do anymore...Im at my ropes end.

[sheri-baby]

Mandi, I feel just like you do, exactly!! I'm not scared for mylself because I am so very careful, but i'm so scared my kids will get sick!!!, and then I will get it from them just from being in the same house! 24/7 this is on my mind. I've been panicky too. Waht is worrying you the most?

[*mandi*]

I dont really know....I guess I just sort of snapped. Ya know? Ive been dealing with this for so long. and it has gotten really bad these past few months where I just cant deal with it anymore. I feel so exhausted from worrying all the time...I just cant stop thinking about being sick...it has totally taken over my mind. Its all I ever think about...I cant eat...b.c. im afraid I will V*...I just feel nauseas 24/7...I feel like Im on edge all the time now. I cant sleep. I cant relax...I feel like Im going crazy. And I keep thinking to myself that this is really going to kill me. I just dont knwo what to do. I cant get any sort ofhelp b.c. I havent had a job in the past few years,. Im really scared

[tayda]

ay yay yay... scarey stuff, and I think we can all relate! Mandi, don't let this get the best of you; I know it's hard sometimes. Perhaps if you got a job or some kind of hobby, then your emet may get a little bit better...


Are you still online; 'cause I just got home, but I'll be on for a little bit if youwanna talk.. AIM Tayda2001

[angel13]

Aww, mandi, I went through a similar rough patch a few weeks back, too! You really feel like you're losing your mind sometimes with this phobia - every so often it just gets on top of you and rules your life more than it should (it shouldn't really rule your life at all...but if it didn't, I guess we wouldn't be emets!). Don't worry, this will pass, and you'll be ok again ^__^ Don't let it beat you, don't let it win. I've never been to see any doctors or anything, I don't take any sort of meds, I just rely on mind over matter to get me through - and it has so far! I'm sure you can do the same.


One suggestion is to find somehting to takeyour focus away from it. If itsnot the central point of your life, you're free to think about other things, and relax...if that makes any sense. Keep your mind busy and occupied with something else - really getting into a great book is one idea, as everytime you start to get anxious, you can think about the story you're reading. Personally, I draw and write - everytime I feel a panic attack looming, I think about my drawing - what I'm going to add to it next, how I'm going to shade it, etc. Really little things like this can make a huge impact.


Sorry for rambling! We're all here for you, just remember that.

[californiagirl]

Do you have a hobby--something that kind of refreshes you? Mine is artwork, I draw and paint, or write. It is relaxing and takes your mind off things. Also, just getting outside seems to help. Maybe go to lunch, take a long ride, go see a funny movie? I feel the same way you do alot, but in a couple of days I snap out of it until the depression and anxiety hit again. The more "refreshers" you have, the less stress on your mind, heart, body, and immune system.

[silver]

Mandi,


I understand about feeling like you have hit rock bottom with it. It is soooo frustrating to deal with this phobia. Your rational mind tells you one thing but your emotional mind tells you something very different. It is scary and isolating. One thing that has helped me lately is confining my phobia with a friend that is very understanding and going for walks around the neighborhood with her and talking about life in general. It really has been helping to get my mind on other things. Sometimes I think that it is worse for us to stay home and think about it. The best thing that we can do is force ourselves to get out and try to enjoy life.

[*mandi*]

Thanks everyone for trying to help. Ive just gotten to the point where I just cant deal with it anymore. ITs like Iw ent crazy last night...I wante to break things, I just felt like dying. Maybe its b.c. Christmas is coming this week. Who knows. I never seem to handle christmas very well. Its also the whole eating thing. I hate losing weight. and I obsess over it all the time. I start to panic if I lose my appatite, b.c. then I just cant eat anything...and I get skinnier and skinneir....and I absolutely hate it. It scares me....I dont want to die from being too thin. And I just feel nauseas all the time. It use to be at one point everyday...but now its like all day everyday. Im just so exhausted from tryong to fight with this. Yes I do read...and try to get my mind off of it. It only helps for a while. Im just soo tired from all of this. I feel like my body is just going to give out on me..ya know? Its so hard.

[silver]

Hi Mandi,


I just realized that we are the same age. I know that it is difficult right now for you and that you are at your witt's end with this. Think about how strong you are for fighting this and wanting to make things better. Christmas is stressful, also the sv season, and other stressful triggers. Cut yourself a little bit of a break about all of this...Do you maybe have a good friend that you can talk to or a family member that could come and talk??? I know that it feels like craziness and that you can't handle it anymore, but you are doing an amazing job right now fighting it. YOU are not losing it, YOU are not going crazy...Its hard to imagine, but I pretty much can guarentee you that most of the people here have gone through the same thing that you are feeling right now. Please hang in there and know that I will stay online and am here for you in anyway that I can help.

[*mandi*]

Thanks so much silver. Its really hard to deal with this when you cant really talk to anyone about it. No one really understands how I feel accept you guys. MY family still doesnt get it. My b/f doesnt really get it either. I think Im driving him crazy b.c. Im always crying now. It;s just really scary. I wish I could cope with it better. Im running out of techniques that can help me. I just feel like giving up. Im trying to hard to fight this. Its so frustrating and emotionally draining. Im trying to calm down. I tend to sit here a lone a lot...and it makes me think horrible things. I feel so alone. Thanks for being here to talk to! I dont know what Id do without you guys.

[silver]

Just know that you are not going through it alone right now...I think that everyone here seems to be experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety over the sv right now. It is very frightening, but it is even more frightening when you deal with it alone. I am freaking out right now too and trying so hard to hold it together at work. On the outside I guess that I appear normal, but on the inside I am losing it!!


Why is it that it seems like most of us are women in our 20's?? Do you think that having a phobia like this has anything to do with the tremendous pressures that we have now??? The women in generations before us were responsible for child rearing and maintaining the house. Our generation and the generation before us have been responsible for the home, the meals, the children, and a full-time job in most cases, where do we find balance?? No wonder we are so anxiety ridden!!


Mandi, Please take care and know that you aren't alone...Take it one minute at a time even right now and things will be ok.

[*mandi*]

Thanks Silv. I dont even know why Im losing it. Im at a loss..I think maybe my body just gave out on me. I feel somewhat relxed right now. I usually get anxious around 9-10 pm and it lasts until I fall asleep. Its weird. Im not really even thinking about the sv at all. My b/f came home the other day with a stomach ache and diarreah....and i was surprised that I didnt panic as muhc as I thought I would. Turns out he is fine. I wihs I knew what Set this major anxiety off. Ive never felt this bad before. Its just new to me. I guess my panic attacks are just getting worse. It most likely has to do with the weather...the holidays...shopping( which I still havent gotten done yet) My dog is sick...Tgheres just too many things. I hope its just that. I get in these moods where I think I actually have some sort of disease and thats why I feel sick all the time. Does anyone else ever think like that>? And sometimes I think Im going to die from it. IT drives me crazy. Does anyone else think like this at all? Or am Ijust a nut?

[samara's on tv]

Mandi-


No you are not a nut for thinking like that. I get worried all the time that the reason I feel sick is because I have cancer. See my stomach hurts a lot, I mean A LOT. I have a hiatal hernia and acid reflux disease and with that comes terrible stomach issues. I was watching an Episode of ER and this lady said that one day she went to the doctor for a stomach ache and it turned out to be Cancer...and I keep wondering "What if that happens to me?" I know how you are feeling. I went through a point in time where I just couldn't deal with things and I would freak out and cry all the time. I know you don't want to hear this but it will get better, just hang in there!


~Monica

[*mandi*]

Thanks MOnica. I hope I can snap out of this soon. I dont know why I think crazy things like that. I think the same thing about cancer. I always think that I have cancer or something and thats why I feel so weak and sick all the time. Even though in the past 4 years ive gotten blood tests and they couldnt find anything wrong with me. Ijust hate this. Im tired of dealing with it. Sometimes It hink I wont make it trhough life anymore. It sucks. Ive been trying not to think about it. But its really hard not to.

[liriodendron]

Mandi, are there some things that you can definitely say that you'd
like to be able to do that the phobia is preventing you from doing? I
might have some ideas for you if this is the case.

[charmed1]

hey there, i have to say i have only just read your post and its like listening to me!! i can't get the niggling feeling out of my mind but have come to the conclusion the more you think about it the worse it gets, if you ever need a chat, plonk me on your buddy list, Good luck.

[sneezymonkey]

Oh my.. i'm feeling exactly the same too [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]I feel tense & n* 24/7 especially when my son is due home from school. When I stand with the other parents at school all they talk about is what bug their child has had this week & how some other child v* in the class [img]smileys/smilies_10.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]all over another child & I feel like just running & running, away from it all & hiding.. maybe its because it's Christmas & i'm panicking. I haven't eaten after 15.00h for the last 2 weeks just incase anything has been passed on & i'm starting to feel like a bit of a wreck.


My partner just says 'how can anyone be afraid of a simple bodily function' when he sees me tearing my hair out over it & scrubbing my hands. God damn why doesn't he understand??!

[*mandi*]

I know how you feel sneezy. I live with my b/f...he knows im terrified of V* but he doesnt know how extreme it is. Like last night we made some steaks and he wanted to put mushrooms on both of them...but the mushrooms are like over a week old and they were smelly and slimy...so I was NO WAY! And he was like wahtever...your weird. But of course...he didnt get sick! He never does! But If i ate those mushrooms I know Id be sick!


The onyl thing that is really bothering me is the way I am unable to handle this anymore. I use to be good at controlling this fear. but I have such bad anxiety right now.....and it wont seem to go away. Its strange. Maybe its just an episode Im going thorugh. I hope I can pull myself out of it. For the past week my heart has been racing...and of course I keep thinking that Im going ot have a heart attack or something....and Im short of breath and feel dizzy all the time...and of course I think that I am dying b.c. I havent really been eating much at all and I keep losing weight...weight that I Cant afford to lose! Its all too much! I wish I coudl just snap out of it!


And Liriodendron...There are millions of things that Id like to do that this phobia prevents me from doing! Its depressing

[nsoroma79]

I wrote a post like ths the other week.... you sound just like me. There are days I just want to die. I think to myself, "How can I deal with this the rest of my life?" I am slowly killing myself. I went from 145 pounds in September to 115 pounds this morning. I don't eat much... I drink Ginger Ale and Herbal tea like it is going out of style... and I smoke like fiend! I am to the point, that even if I am hungry... I am refusing to eat. I am so scared of getting s* that I will not eat. My therapist has told me that if I lose anymore weight, she is going to help my family check me into the hospital (which won't help anyways!) And today I was told by my psych that I should go on meds. I have been on them before, but never gave them a chance for fear of getting s* from them.


I spend many days just crying, feeling like there is no hope. This is starting to affect my whole life. Not just my health... but my famlily life as well. I don't kiss my children on the mouth, I don't get too too close to them, I don't share any food or drink with them, if they sneak in a kiss on the lips... I walk away...wipe it off and spit. I don't go out on dates with my husband, we don't have sex anymore... and I am usually found by myself in my own little world. I don't go out with friends, and when I see or talk to friends, it's usually about emet. and how I can't deal with it anymore. My husband, mom, other family and friends are so worried about me.... and it hurts like hell to know that I am causing them so much pain!


The other day.... my daughter asked why I don't kiss her anymore. I told her it's nothing to worry about. She looked at me and said, "Mommy.... are you afraid that you will t*u* on me?" I said no. and then she said, "Are you afraid that I will t*u* on you?" I started to cry. She knows how scared I am of this... and it's starting to affect her.


Anyways.... I know how you feel. You are not alone! *HuGs*


Lorrie

[*mandi*]

Thanks Lorrie. I find some comfort in knowing that Im not alone inthis. Its just so hard to deal with. I have always been struggling with my weight...(always trying to gain) And I just keep losing the pounds instead. And its to the point where I am terrified. Ikeep thinking that I am going to die. No one knows how horrible I feel right now. Ive been hiding it from everyone. No one knows that I havent been eating much. I usually waer bulky clothes so no one can see how thin I am. I just odnt want to put my family or anyone else through the worry and pain. I dont know if its just b.c. its xmas time and thats why Im like this or If my body is just giving up on me. Ive barely ate anything this whole week...and I keep losing weight. I feel weak and Im mad at myself for letting me get this way.


Its xmas eve tonight. And I mean....its my family Im goin gto see...I dont understand why Ihave to react this way to my family. I guess Its in the back of my mind that since I usually feel nauseas everyday...that this might be the day that I do V*. And I dont want my family to worry about me if I have to leave right away. I just want to be able to eat again and gain my weight back!!!! But im afraid that If I do eat something...it will make me V*. I wish tehre was something I could take that would take away the nausea and give me a major apatite.

[rayvin400]

I just skipped out on going to my boyfriendsparents house for christmas eve, because I feel sick, and I really do not feel like getting sick at their house...that would be the worse. I did the whole not eating thing in middle school for months, and I felt sick all the time, which just made it worse. After a while I slowly started to eat...gradually eating more and more so my stomach could handle it...and then I started to feel better each day.


However now a days I feel sick at least once a day....but I still eat. I am convinced that I have some disease that I am dying of too, but I know I am a huge hypochondriac. You need to keep reasuring yourself that you are ok, and try to eat!


This is such a crippling fear, I have few friends in college, and when they ask me to go out, I just make up some excuse as to why I cant go, and then i slowly lose the people who want to hang out with me...dont let this happen to you.


*hugs* and good luckEdited by: rayvin400

[*mandi*]

ThanksRayvin.....Sadly though I have lost many freinds over the years b.c.of this. I would also make up excuses as to why I couldnt go out with them. And soon they stopped asking....and stopped tlaking to me! It sucks! Luckily Imwith someone who understands how I feeland tries to help me as much as he can. But he can only do so much...


Well I got through Christmas Eve ok...I really didnt eat much at all...Just some soup. I slept at mymothers house....and I got about 4 hours of sleep and I feel horrible today. I still have to go to my grandmas....I dont want to eat anything! I know If I dont everyone will start wondering why! I hate htis! I just wish I could eat something wihtout being afraid that it will make me sick! I feel so much skinnier already...plus I feel nauseas and to top it off Ive got the sh*ts! I hate this!

[crimgoddess]

If you don't eat- not only is it still possible to vomit, but you are weakening your body to the point that you are MORE likely to catch something. A healthy body is more likely to be able to fight off illness and other bacteria. Not giving your body what it needs in terms of nutrition comprimises the ability to do so. That, and it is more likely to make you feel light-headed and nauseous....which triggers even more anxiety.


I personally never understood the rationale of "if I don't eat anything I cant throw up"- maybe it's because most of the times that I have vomitted due to illness there actually wasn't anything in my stomach other than water because I was too nauseous to eat. You can still throw up bile (which is actually more vile than food itself)- or dry heave, which HURTS. If I start dry heaving, I make a point of drinking something because I would rather throw up water than painfully dry heave for a long period of time.


As for being at your grandmothers house- please, eat something- even if it's a small portion. I know that if I was at a family gathering and one of my family members was not eating and looking thin, I would worry, and try to find out why myself. Is there not someone you trust in your family that you can talk to about this?


*amber*

[*mandi*]

Im not really worried about catching something. I just dont have an apatite. Everytime I try to eat something I feel even more sick like im going to V*. I can barely even swallow it. I hate this. I just wish it would go away. I hate feeling like this...and I hate not being able to eat.

[SimplyMe]

Hi, Mandi, sorry this is a bit late. I can totally relate, I get these moments, these times as well. It feels like being trapped within your own body and your own mind, like ther eis no light at the end of the tunnel and it SUCKS! It's scary and infuriating and frustrating all at once. The good news is that is seems to be in spurts and passes eventually, not that that's allt hat comforting, I know. If you can't get into a docotro due to $ maybe you could get a good book like the "anxiety and phobia workbook" to help you sort out the anxiety at least. Learnign to manage it better can make a huge difference.


I also relate to the weight thing, I was really bad like that bout 7 yrs ago and it is scary. But that too once you can get the anxiety down a bit it will be easier to eat. Plus it seems we all have "safe" hours, or at least times when the emet is better, find yours and use that opporunity to eat healthy, vitamin packed foods, slowly adn not over eat so you dont' make yourse;f feel worse and scared to eat. Just take it easy ya know?


I hope this helps! Also feel free to email, PM or IM me anytime!

[*mandi*]

Thanks Simply I feel a little bit better now that Christmas is over. Ive calmed down a bit and started eating agian. EAting as much as I can atleast. I just hate when I get in these episodes b.c. I worry so much about eating and losing weight! It drives me crazy! So hopefully I will be able to gain some weight back...Ive started drinking those Ensure shakes to help me gain weight.

[kellybean]

Hey guys, reading all of your posts is like hearing myself right now. The past few days, I've been really depressed. 24 hours a day, I think about v* and feeling sick, and othersgetting sick, and so on. I'm driving myself crazy. All I want to do is cry. My stomach is in knots all day long, and have no desire to leave the house, but on the other hand, I do want to leave to get my mind off of things. I don't even want to be intimate with my husband incase he comes down with an sv.My heart also races all day long, and I feel like I'm stuck in this bigblackhole with no way out. I am laid off from work probably til February, so I won't have anything to occupy my mind til then. It is not fun living life like this. ***sigh***


Kelly

[*mandi*]

Iknow how you feel Kelly. IT sucks. I hate getting in these moods of depression and just thinking about V* all day. I wish tehre was somethign else to occupy my mind.

[silver]

I am there with you guys....I have had the v* on my mind all day long and worried about getting the sv since everyone had it 3 weeks ago. I let it interfer with my Christmas and being with my family. I am SO TIRED of this!! It is like being trapped in your own mind. I feel on the verge of insanity or something. This is the worst that it has been for me in a long time. The funny thing is that my parents pointed out to me all of the stress that I have been under lately (they don't even know that my emet has been driving me nutts lately.) I really think that added stress on top of the fear and then sv's going around on top of that is what has us all having a rough time especially right now.

[wintergreen22]

o my gosh, there are some days when I feel like this... you describe it sooo perfectly...this is exactly what goes threw my head. I'm really fed up with my emet and some days it is waaay worse then others. it touches on a lot of parts of my life and the constant n* and confusion is too much to deal with. I don't think its fair that we developed this (even though there are far worse things) and its not fair for us to live our lives like this every day. Why do we have to be afraid of food? why can't we be carefree and atleast enjoy the company of our friends in a public place or resteraunt? why can't thier more support from family members and the general public?





but, i understand how you feel... i wish my emet would go away. THe first thng I would do if it did was eat hamburgers and french fries and milkshakes until I finally feel stuffed for the first time in a LONG time!