My fears and rants - phobia is taking me over

[Razzle]

Lately I have been having really bad emetophobia and I really just needed to get it off of my chest to those who understand it

As you all can see I have been here for awhile - you can probably see my story on older posts. But to sum it up I had a bad virus when I was really little (noro) and it went rampant through my house and was pretty er, violent.
I was only 3, but overall was fine as were my parents and siblings. With the 5 of us, the household was only down for about a week.

I had v* other times after that for various reasons - other viruses, food, coughing too hard. But my last time was when I was 8 after spinning around too much after eating McDonalds.

Until 2015. Which I ate a sandwich and 6 hours later was in the bathroom with bad d* at my boyfriend's house. 3 hours of d* and panic later and I v*. The first time was scary and awkward cause it was the first time in 17 years so I had no idea what to do almost. 5 min later I v* again for a second time and everything was pretty much set from there. I only v* twice and then had a little d* here and there afterwards but nothing substantial. It seemed to taper off after the v*. I just felt gross.

Anyway I thought I was cured because honestly the v* was not that bad. I think I was more turned off from the d* because it kept me in the bathroom longer.

I chalked it up to the sandwich but the jury is out on what caused my episode. My boyfriend was sick 1 month prior from what he thinks was also food related with only 2 times of v* - but he said he wasn't as sick as I was and that I had caught a bug. But no one else got what I had which made me suspect it was food or anxiety...or both...that caused mine.

But I digress. As I said I thought all was well because the v* was not that bad at all. But come winter of this year (this episode happened in March 2015, right before the weather got nicer here) and it's like PTSD or something - all of my childhood anxiety started in the winter, and all of the illnesses I've had were in the winter, including last year (snow was still on the ground)

SO here I am, relapsing and hard. Unlike many people who v* in the past year I am no longer on my high horse of victory. As a matter of fact, I feel worse than I did in the 17 years prior. I feel like I am susceptible now or something. Tat luck was on my side for 17 years but I jinxed myself. And now I worry every single day. I wash my hands constantly, twice sometimes. I constantly body check. I feel sick when I go to work. I am developing agoraphobia and have to drive 40 min each way to work and am not handling it well. I still do it and get my work done but I don't feel good while doing so :/

I should also note that my general anxieties are flaring, I won't get too into those unless asked as they are not particularly emet related. But I am sure there's some connections there.

I feel really helpless and sad. I feel sad that I am so scared. And I can't explain how isolating the fear is. I like to give advice but in my moments of weakness it is difficult to receive the same advice - even words I myself wrote after I got sick! Because the panic takes over and all I can think it "There HAS to be a way I can stop what's about to happen" It is to the point where it probably won't happen at all but that on-edge feeling is always lingering.

I could just use some comfort.

[XDark_MinxX]

Sorry you are feeling this way, I have had relapse after relapse with emet and many of us are in the same boat as you. I have v* lots of times during my life, mainly due to motion sickness, yuck!

The last time i had noro was on my 4th birthday, I am at the ripe old age of 18 going on 19, and i also fear getting it again. But did you know that 20% of us are somewhat immune to noro? After i had noro, i was the most unsanitary child ever, digging with my bare hands in the garden, never washing my hands, typical kid stuff and i havent had it since!

The best advice is to learn about how your fear started. So you had noro age 3 right? When you are a child, v* is distressing because a childs body, especially a baby, does not have the skills to hold back the act of v*. As a child you are physically unable to stop V* because you body is very early in development, this is why noro can be dangerous for a baby, because the stress the body goes through when they.. you know.

And because of past experience with "it" mainly in the winter season, your young brain, which is still in development associates the winter with v*. I am no doctor, but problems like this seem like Seasonal Affective Disorder (aptly named SAD) which may be co-morbid with your emet.

I get it too, I love giving my own advice to everyone to help them out as much as i could, but when im panicking i find it hard to follow advice let alone my own. Strange huh? That's probably why we are seeking advice on this board so much! lol!

Back to noro, if only everyone washed thier hands! Dont look up horror stories on noro, NOPE!

[Razzle]

Hey Dark Minx, thanks for the reply!

I absolutely do have SAD, I started suffering anxiety around age 9 right after winter break and cried a lot in school that year (ironically enough around the same amount of time had passed when I v*ed at age 8 to when my anxiety started...compared to when I V*ed in 2015 and now. Coincidence? Maybe it takes several months for my body to forget the sensation)

I wish I could say my brain is still developing but at 26 I think it's cooked, lol! I do associate winter with v* and bugs though, as well as overall vulnerability which is terrifying in its own right.

And at 26 I am thinking of my future..having kids and all that. Not only is the morning sickness an issue - although as long as it is not SV I don't think I'd mind TOO much - but having children that will obviously catch a few bugs in their childhood and would most likely pass them on...hearing the horror stories about emet parents catching it from their kids and young relatives...oh man, it's seriously causing my panic just HEARING about it! I don't want to deal with that! Or have a repeat of what I had at age 3 only as the parent, not being able to just cry in my mom's arms but instead having to deal with panic while soothing a child at the same time. Ahhh!

I am looking into therapy but I feel like such a lost cause, like it'll be too good to be true.

I hate noro. Hate hate hate! If only everyone were as diligent as we are with hygiene! Funny thing is I have done some crazy things - last year (about 2 months after my bug) I went to a community "art party" with about 200 others - not only was this around the tail-end of noro season (but still cold out nonetheless!) I was sharing things like pens, markers and supplies with 200 other people...including LOTS of children! And I ate with my hands without washing them afterwards. As a matter of fact at one point I jumped in a huge pile of pillows and another huge pile of shredded paper...both of which were where the kids mainly were. The shredded paper went everywhere including my mouth! But I had such a great time I didn't even pay attention. It was SO unhygienic but I was fine! I want to go back to that almost. And that wasn't even a full year ago.

[tiredofitall]

This phobia waxes and wanes in my experience. I've had some pretty terrible years that involved hardly leaving the house and barely eating and I've had really good years with hardly any anxiety or nausea. There have also been done in between years too. I just try not to think about it excessively. I'm very busy most of the time and have a very busy job as well so I don't have a lot of time to fixate on my fears which is a good thing. That's not to say I don't still have my moments of panic but they don't come as often anymore.

[Razzle]

Hey tireofitall, thanks for the reply!

I have noticed the waxing and waning as well. For some reason I am have a difficult time now but last year I was fine.
I lived at college 2 years ago and was also fine then - living away from home (aka my "safe" zone) and with others, touching door handles and silverware that others have touched/eaten with etc. and was fine. But I think with my job that I have now - which is repetitive and a bit mundane/quiet, my thoughts tend to run away from me and probably fuel the flames of my phobia. It's always curious that I always eel n* or anxious around 1PM while at work :/

Also as a side note, lately - especially today - my stomach noises are freaking me out and making me really jumpy on uneasy. It's been slightly gurgling for awhile now. I notice when I sit up (I've been laying down) I do burp, and I am getting over a cold so it is most likely just more gas than usually but every time I hear my stomach gurgle I get really on edge...which is just silly but I associate it with d* and v*